Nov 29-30 Madeline's temple work and a favorite blog post

On Friday Nov 29 when so many where shopping, (Black Friday) Larry, Taylor, Bailee and I went to the temple to be there when Madie's temple work  was done by proxy by Rachelle. It was the last thing we could do for her, something that was good, but so hard too. 

 It was a year ago that Larry and I finally saw Madeline, and started our goodbyes to our precious daughter.  I remember that so much of her didn't look like her.too much makeup, bruising, a little swelling..  but her hair still did.  Her hands and toes did too.  For the type of accident and injury she looked good, but there is nothing to prepare a parent for seeing a child's body in a casket.  Larry couldn't touch her, but I had to inspect her to make sure she was all there.  I had cut and styled her hair her entire life except when she took scissors to it.  I was glad it still looked and felt the same.  Everything else was what I had created, but not her.  Just the shell.  What God had created, her spirit- that was so obviously missing.  I am grateful to know that she will be resurrected again, reunited with her spirit and made perfect.  I will always be grateful for this knowledge.   The challenge  from the moment of knowing she was gone, how to do this physical thing.  It's so difficult! The last thing I did was cut a piece of her hair, something tangible to keep before we closed the casket...

 It has been a long year, a year of tears, quiet moments of reflection, change, I became a writer, something I never would have thought I would do in any form, especially not in a public form. To end this month of gratitude, I decided to share one of my favorite blog posts.

Firsts... Prom, weddings and such...

 Firsts... I can't believe how many things I have had to do for the first time since Madie died that have been so difficult.  Last week I found myself doing hand sewing all week getting a dress ready for MarShae to wear to prom.  Honestly, I didn't think I would be doing another formal until MarShae’s senior year for prom because part of doing the dresses for Madie last year was that MarShae would be also able to wear them.  That illusion was shattered…   but seriously it would be too weird, too soon, too memorialized right now. Besides she needed to know she was the girl of the night, right?  Even so, the task completely overwhelmed me… Thankfully I had a dear friend who could see MarShae’s needs, shopped with me for fabric, constructed the basic dress and encouraged me to be able to take on the lace work and finish the dress.  So grateful! 

 I know what "real" angels feel like...

Almost ready, last touches... Prom 2012

Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle... 
Everything  I do is stitched with it's color.
Senior Prom 2012 Madeline Rose 

I was literally up to my eyeballs in MarShae’s dress, crying often as memories flooded my mind of a short year ago when I was in crunch time on Madie’s prom dress, when I was kindly asked if I could possibly do one of Madie's friends hair for her wedding in two days. I burst into tears when I read the message, not knowing how I could even do something so soon, so personal,   what I always did for Madie, on her friend's wedding day… So hard, and yet I felt like Madie would want me to.

Homecoming Senior Year with Sawyer

A little history… Madie's first date was with this couple and she adored them.  We talked extensively about them when she was trying to figure out if she should go to college in a relationship with Sawyer.  It was a dream that I shared with Madie, a possibility, an illusion,,,  No wedding, no happily ever after… how could I do this… I called her mother and she was so kind, understanding that it might be hard both physically and emotionally for me to do.

They shared with me that a hairdresser had done her hair the previous Saturday  for bridal portraits.  It wasn’t what they had hoped for, then it started raining so the photo shoot was canceled.  They said a prayer asking who could maybe do her hair and give her the look she wanted for her wedding day. My name came to both of them…

 I wondered who was playing with my life… I had earlier that day decided I didn't want to attend the reception because I thought it would be too hard, now this choice... I did the only thing I could, I prayed.  I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father and told him how overwhelmed I was with the dress and also I didn't know if I could do her hair. I felt like it was something I have the talent to do, but not sure the heart to be able pull it off.  I again felt Madie would want me to do her friends hair, so I  agreed and went back to sewing, tears rolling down my cheeks. I asked my Savior to sustain me and help me accomplish the tasks at hand.  So many times I felt encouraged while sewing MarShae’s dress, interspersed with flashbacks of Madie's prom exactly a year ago.  I felt prompted numerous times to go put on a conference talk, read scriptures, read Madie's journal...  It always lightened my burdens..

I knew the spirits voice...

 I awoke early and prayed to have the strength and ability to do her hair, knowing how important her day was....  I saw pictures and went to work not sure if I could make it happen.  I found myself crying and silently praying. My brain was so scattered, I don't know how I did her hair, but it happened. I was invited to come to the temple afterwards to see her in her dress while pictures were taken. Back to work on the dress, more tears.. Friends reached out as I stitched....I decided to go see and  was pleasantly surprised when I saw her. How perfect she looked.  It was like a masterpiece... 

 I knew who the "real" creator was...

 I was watching the bride and groom, in my own little world, really happy for the two of them, yet so aware of what wouldn't be happening for me. While taking everything in I had a chance encounter with a general authority who had been told of my situation. He came up to me, looked me in the eyes  put his hands on my arms, and spoke tender words of comfort to me.  I can't remember much of what he said, but I do know I felt enveloped in love.  It was as though my Savior stood there staring into my eyes with a love that consumed me..  It overwhelmed me to my very core, tears streamed down my cheeks, and I felt a love that is beyond description. I remember him gazing into my eyes and telling me that Heavenly Father doesn't allow us to have any experiences here in mortality that aren't necessary for our Eternal progression. I remember nodding my head in understanding of what he was telling me...

Timeless

I knew who the "real" healer was...

I marvel even as I write this of all of the sacred experiences I have had since Madie has died, for that I am so grateful to see the hand of God as he comes through, showing me his power.  

As for prom... 

 well that was really amazing to have so much help come from different places that brought it all together.

 Messages, texts, rides, things dropped off, shoe shopping, her hat created.

 MarShae’s hair styled  by someone besides me..

 I stitched till we put the dress on MarShae, added the completed hat,

 and just stood in awe at what had happened…

 Again I knew who the creator is,

 and for that I give thanks to my Heavenly Father 

for once again showing me nothing is too difficult

 my trust and faith strengthened this week…

Pure joy... Makes it all worth the effort!

                                                                  The design team

Back to  Nov 30, 2013
On a different note, so I will remember...

I sometimes wonder why it is that when the family comes together it seems to be so crazy, loud, fun, very late nights, then it's gone.. quiet, almost silent. Everyone left today, and the house is very still.

 It reminds me of the aftermath of last year.  So much in the beginning, and then so little as time moved along and we felt our way into living on our own again.  It reminds me of a post I wrote on grief and trauma resembling being bipolar.  The opposites of emotions and experiences is strange to have it become normal.

My cat Zuko was still a kitten when Madie died, and I hadn't ever owned a cat before.  He got really weird after Madie died and I wondered if he sensed her or saw her spirit.  I really had so little experience with cats.  Yesterday he  showed me that he doesn't like it when his routine or life is greatly altered, he did some things that if he wasn't such a good companion during my days when everyone was gone, he might find himself as an outdoor cat... I guess he doesn't like it when the house gets loud, full of fun... he likes our quiet scheduled routine. He was very convincing!  It added to the out of control feeling that I felt as our life moved through holidays, lots of fun, but seriously very late nights!  I am grateful to have accomplished the past 10 days.  I have learned that survival, is possible, and that good, sometimes great things can happen, interspersed with the emotional supercharged experiences.  
Last thought...

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Madie's funeral, maybe I will write, I don't know....