Kindness lives on as miracles came from Madie today

Miracles happened in the temple this morning as random schedules lined up and I was in the right place at the right time to hear this sweet girls name, Avery Ivonosky.

 I knew Madie and her sister Emma were pretty pleased with their efforts for our paths to cross and for me to not only hear her name but know that she lost her sister Emma just four months ago in a freak accident.

Later in the day I realized that Avery's father had started a 13 days of random acts of kindness in honor of Emma that began today to help get through their first Christmas without Emma.



 If I hadn't been in the act of helping Avery (she was in the temple for her first time), as I thought she looked a bit unsure of what to do when she came into the dressing room so I proceeded to explain where things were and how to do certain things.

 

  

My purpose in being at the temple at this particular time was to be a part of Celeste Heck's first experience going to the temple since she was baptized in November.

My intentions were to finish quickly because Marielle was in a drama tournament that I was going to be attending the rest of the day.

A little while later as I was helping Celeste I was asked by a temple worker if I could stay and help the next girl because they were short workers for a few minutes.. 

It was as I was helping Avery that I heard her grandfather say her name and the tears started flowing.  I looked at her grandmother who was about 15 feet in front of me watching Avery and was sure she was Tiffany's mother because the resemblance was so striking. I hadn't met any of the Ivonosky family but have followed their story because mutual friends shared it with me when Emma died. 

I've felt empathy and understanding of their journey that feels so familiar. Both of our daughter's legacy of being kind. Both family's honoring our girls through spreading kindness..
Memories started flooding my mind.
I remembered Marielle going to this same temple when she was 12 just a few months after Madie died with Sawyer. I remembered him picking her up early that morning and still being in my pajamas. I recalled as soon as they left realizing I was going to miss something special, throwing on a dress and quickly driving to the temple. 
All these memories came flooding back to my mind as I watched sweet Avery's first experience of being baptized for her ancestors, and the tears streamed down my face.
 I realized how much all of us are loved by our Heavenly Father for this to just randomly occur this morning. I understood just how close our loved one's are. I knew Madie and Emma were pretty excited that this had happened, and their kindness came through the veil 
together today.


  As for the rest of my day, it was fun to see Marielle do so well, and place in several events.

My heart is full of gratitude as I reflect on the  many witnesses over the past month, while in the temple of Madie's involvement in my life.today's was extra special.

. ‪#‎forouremma ‬‪#‎madelinerose‬

Anniversaries with peace at 27 months...

I have always had a thing for numbers.  I love doing Sudoku and math always came easy for me. I also remember dates like the day we closed on our house April 23rd, only to purchase our first new car a few years later on the same date.  I also discovered twice on April 27th, that two babies I was carrying had died during my second trimester.
Because of this I have thought that the 20's in a calender month hold special significance to me.  Larry and I were married 34 years ago today on March 21st.

 I had my first child on May 24, only to have each of my other children born on a day in the 20's except for Marielle. After a full day of labor at 11:30 p.m. on Oct.19th my doctor said, "you have been pushing for 2 hours,which seems like a long time for your 7th child."  I told him I thought she was waiting to be born on the 20th. He determined I had pushed long enough and out came forceps, a first for me. He carefully pulled her out during my next contraction just before midnight. I have often thought she was supposed to be born on the 20th, maybe so that I would know that there was some kind of order in the heavens.
 Now some could say that is just how my cycle runs but I have had children born two weeks late, two weeks early, and right on time.  Madie was born on May 20th, sharing Sterling's half birthday November 20th. The accident happened on November 20th, which seemed wrong but significant at the same time.
 Maybe all of my fascination with numbers was a way for me to later recognize that God was in charge. 
In the beginning it seemed so weird and awful to me that it happened on such an important date, but over time I saw the wisdom in the "coincidence" of it.  With an accident that kills a child and almost another child, with the circumstances around the accident, it could be easy to think, "how is this possible?"  
Did God have his back turned or did the angels just forget their assignments? 
Was the Holy Ghost's promptings completely unavailable or maybe it was precisely what was supposed to happen. Possibly Heavenly Father knew that I would see the dates line up in such a way as to give another witness to the order that is in Heaven. As I have searched for answers I felt like pieces of the puzzle have continued to fall into place.

 I am also grateful that even though November 20th is a complicated day, celebrating Sterling's birthday provides distractions to help shift the focus of the day, and the memories of losing Madie.

Yesterday was another anniversary 27 months. For the first time the anniversary felt completely peaceful. I was busy engaged in other things. I saw his hand in answering specific prayers in my morning scripture study. I was asked by the sister missionaries to come to a missionary discussion, which meant rescheduling my evening plans. I almost turned down the invitation but then I felt I should rearrange things and so told the sister missionaries I would come.
 I wasn't expecting to have a mini reunion with Sister Nelson who was on splits, which means she is assigned to another area but was working with Sister Peterson who is serving in our ward, while both of their companions were also working together. 

A picture we took last summer at on of the baptisms.

 Sister Nelson taught three of Madie's friends that were baptized last summer. We were both ecstatic to see each other again.  She shared with me that over and over she has felt Madie's presence in her experiences as a missionary. Just the day before she had thought about me and wished she could see me again.  She even decided she would write me a letter the following Monday on her preparation day. Imagine both of our surprise when I arrived, and she realized that we were going to have another missionary discussion together. With all of the excitement I forgot that it was the 20th.  We visited afterwards and shared some sacred experiences and feelings.

 
This morning I realized that over and over I have been able to witness rewarding experiences of Sister Nelson's mission. I'm sure her mother would love to experience these important events with her daughter but can't because of mission rules.  I saw the similarities because I can't experience Madie's mission and the work she is doing.  At times I get clues and insights into some of what she might be involved with, it's just not as clear as a weekly email would be. 

Perspective often helps when things in life don't seem fair according to what we thought would happen. Often understanding comes in retrospect, or through insights like these.
I am grateful to have a wonderful beginning of the 20's for March. Our anniversary has been nice going to lunch at Peli Peli and also assisting Larry while he installed a new kitchen faucet.

 If you were to ask Larry about our anniversary, he'd say lunch was great, but any plumbing repair he ever does brings many frustrating moments.  Funny how one simple job often brings light to other needed repairs and additional trips to the hardware store.
 Isn't that the way life is?  Fun and exciting events mixed with everyday struggles and frustrations, interspersed with joyous and tragic events.  The trick is to learn how to experience the journey while allowing the changes that will mold us into who we need to become.

Blessings come from waiting on the Lord Gratitude post 35

I listened to this song today and realized how many blessings have come because of not feeling like he was blessing me. In the process of the struggle, going into the valley of bitterness and sorrow, my greatest blessings have come.
I have experienced the blessings of struggling to get up one more time. I am grateful to have had the 1,000 sleepless nights, the healing that has come through more tears then I ever thought were possible for a body to create. This greatest trial of my life, is becoming his mercies in disguise, and for this I am grateful. To have come to recognize how many things I was prideful in and needed humbling and a greater understanding of charity. 

One of the attributes of charity is long suffering. 

 What if the the sweet experiences I have recently had,

 came early after Madie died?  

Would I have understood the beauty of the healing blood of Christ if it had come without the length of the struggle, during the fog of the first two years?  I believe that through the extension of time,  the enduring lessons seem more poignant. 

 I'm grateful to have written about this journey, because I can go back and see that time and time again, he showed me his love.  Even so it was extremely difficult to hold onto the peace he gave. 

The pain was so raw;

 so deep.

As the pain of grieving came back over and over, and the drops of healing came little by little,

 the pain was much bigger then the drops. 

The anguish seemed to always win. 

As  life moved along and other challenges were heaped upon the already existing pain, this was where my greatest trials and eventually healing came. It was here, that showing any amount of faith became exhausting, and grueling. 

 In these moments I gave into the anguish and wondered If he heard my pleas, and if I would ever feel alive again. 

I can say that in the struggle, and the depths of the pain, that I have had the sweetest life changing experiences. I have felt engulfed in a love that defies all description.

 I know who I am; 

a precious daughter of a loving Father in Heaven.

 I have been succored by my Savior Jesus Christ.

 I've been repeatedly humbled, and hope to never take up the banner of pride that I carried so proudly.
 I hope to be his hands, and find others to lift. That is the prayer of my heart. I am grateful for the blessings he has showered upon me, and for his light illuminating my life.

MarShae Morris, "The Diva's Medley", One of my favorite performances of MarShae's!

Look who's 30...

I have contemplated for a long time about doing a blog post for Rachelle on her 30th Birthday.  The task seemed a bit daunting, because I felt like I wouldn't do her justice, but since  I love her and I am incredibly proud of her I decided I would start at the beginning....

On Feb 22, 1995 Larry and I went to see the newly released movie "Amadeus".  It was three hours long and we got home very late. A big storm was coming through much like this year, and my water broke about 2 hours later, (barometric pressure change)

I was soon induced, and by late afternoon Rachelle was born. 

I was beyond elated when I was told she was a girl.  I had longed for sisters, but was surrounded by brothers, and I was sure I finally had a girl that could fill that longed for relationship. 

 From the beginning I dressed her in frilly dresses,

 bows and pink as many pictures will attest. 

 But by the time she was about six I realized she had no desire to be a girly musician.

 I was a bit dense because I religiously curled her hair in sponge rollers every Saturday night for several years. 
 I remember finally having some light bulb moments.






One Sunday she came home from church, wet her hair (combing out all the curls) and put on a hat.

 Piano lessons with her were a disaster!  I finally realized, she was a very different girl then me, and I needed to give up my vision of making a "mini me", and let her emerge and discover who she was.
When Rachelle was five, I signed her up for swim team, and that was when I started understanding she was a girl who focused on goals, and didn't give up till she accomplished what she determined needed to happen. I watched her improve that year, and become an excellent swimmer.  She wanted to win, and win she did!

She talked me into playing soccer next, and the first game I went to, I was shocked to see her bulldoze her way down a field, determined to do all she could to help her team win.

This determination I have witnessed for over 20 years.  She's a leader who steps up and gets things accomplished.

We soon added softball to the mix, and I watched her practice pitching,fielding and batting for a few years. She was part of an all star team when she was 10 and loved playing with a talented group of athletes.
The next sport on her list to try was basketball. Volleyball was added right behind it, and these became her sports during Junior High School. She started on both teams, and loved them both, but had to make a choice as she started High School.  As a freshman she chose basketball, and started on the JV team that year, and the Varsity team  her sophomore year.

  She was amazing to watch!  She practiced shooting for hours and became brilliant at 3 pointers, and free throws.  I loved watching her play.  Shot's repeatedly swished and her energy was contagious to her teammates, she was a leader.

Rachelle also has an incredible work ethic.  She learned how to juggle work or practices with a demanding academic schedule.  She life guarded starting at 15, got a job at a research company doing phone surveys at 16, She learned the art of persuasion, and often was their top producer of the shift, even though she was their youngest employee.





Somehow she always squeezed in some time for fun!

Rachelle was determined to go to BYU, and when she realized she wouldn't be tall enough to play on their women's Basketball team, she quit basketball her senior year to take a promotion to night supervisor at her job, and added Academic Decathlon. 

She was awarded a full tuition Scholarship to BYU plus she received the Jesse Jones Scholarship which gave her s few thousand dollars each year for living expenses.  She mastered the art of setting goals, breaking them down and accomplishing her vision, while she still found time for fun, hanging with friends, playing intramural football, and basketball, on winning teams.

Upon graduating from BYU''s Business School she was offered a position at Godmann Sachs. I remember her telling me that during her interview they said, "You have a really impressive resume for someone just leaving college.  How did you do it?"
She started in the Salt Lake office, then took a new position in the Dallas office after a couple of years, and this past year took another promotion and came home to Houston, which has been a great blessing to our family.

With Rachelle being the second to the oldest, she had lot's of opportunities to learn about caring for children. 

 She is the cool big sister,

the glue in the family always planning trips, and outings with her siblings. 

 She is a mentor to her younger sister's inspiring them to work hard and achieve greatness.  When Madie' was 12 Rachelle took her on a little date, and told her that if she earned her Young Women medallion, got accepted into BYU and graduated in the top 10% of her class, she would take her on a trip to New York. Even though school was difficult for Madie she worked for 7 years, and reached these goals.
  The New York  trip was the first sister trip,

 because MarShae happened to win a National Scholastic competition, which included receiving her award at Carnegie Hall. 

They combined the trips and the three of them had a fabulous time.

Rachelle has always made a point to get to the important events her siblings are involved in,

regardless of what state it may be happening in.

When Madie passed away, Rachelle stepped into the role of leading the family through that most difficult of times, as we spent over a week in the hospital with Taylor, planning a funeral. She was a rock.  The funeral, much because of her vision, was beautiful, and I learned she is rock solid under extreme pressure.
She has done incredible things to help our family rebuild after losing Madie.  She started Rose Runners, and then #sharekindness this past year on the two year anniversary.
I couldn't be prouder of this incredible girl that I was privileged to give birth to 30 years ago.  I can't wait to see where the next 30 years takes you!
Love, Mom

The power of Gratitude

Gratitude post day 15: The power of gratitude.

When I started this exercise 15 days ago, it was because my thoughts had become consumed with anger, bitterness, rejection and loneliness. I was also still recovering from a 3 week bout with flu that turned into pneumonia and a sinus infection (with some cracked ribs) , so I was physically spent as well.

Some history...

 My cat died unexpectedly right before the two year anniversary of Madie's death, and I was also trying to accept that MarShae would soon be gone to BYU.  I found myself questioning God's love for me.

 Didn't he know I had all I could handle? 

More loss felt cruel, and that didn't fit the loving image I had for my Heavenly Father.  Still I fought back by immersing myself in my girls lives, which involved most of their free time at Les Miserables rehearsals. It is such a beautiful story but it also carried heavy burdens for me surrounding Madie's death. I pushed down those feelings and focused on helping with the production. At times I would come home and cry myself to sleep. For a couple of months I hid the grief this show carried for me. But as it got closer to opening and the hours of sewing got longer (several 10-12 hour days), the grief turned to sickness, really sick. 

Opening weekend, I attended the shows, loving moments that were so tender.

  I had also planned for six months to fly to Utah between the two weekends both shows were running, to see Taylor in his performance of The Count of Monte Cristo, 

which was running the same two weekends. He had a Tuesday  and Wednesday show I had tickets for. 

As the flight approached, I realized I was too sick to go. This drove the heartache deeper, because I was so disappointed to miss his last show at BYU.  I eventually found peace after a priesthood blessing about staying home.

Even so, during the second weekend of Les Miserables there were some really sweet moments that happened.

 One night as I watched MarShae playing Fantine, at the end of the show, looking angelic, she is gazing down on Val Jean and Cosette lovingly.  

I felt this overwhelming presence that Madie and my mom are often times looking down on me, very aware of my human struggles. The tears flowed freely as I felt loved.

Also we had family that came into town and I experienced treasured moments as we watched this incredible production together.

 I was so proud of MarShae and Marielle, for their commitment to giving their very best to their characters.

I was in awe of the production that so many people had spent countless hours working on. It was a beautiful work of art. This was a blessing to see the fruits of so much work and talent. 

There was also a tragic event that happened during the second weekend.  A  girl who loved and adored Maddie passed away suddenly from an illness.  Her funeral was the day after the show ended. It was cold and rainy, and I got soaked at the cemetery. I was freezing but her sweet mother was so broken, stirring memories of the rawness of the beginning.  At the cemetery I left roses on Madie's grave, and this sweet mother asked me to go back to the church where there would be a meal after the burial. I felt so much compassion for her heartache.  It's such a shocking, devastating place to be. By the time I got home late that afternoon I was physically and emotionally drained. Instead of getting better I seem to take a step backwards for several days. 

Throughout my life I have used "creating" to pull me out of difficult or grieving situations. I also knew my time working on shows with MarShae was over. I felt lost and without purpose. 

It was at this point, in desperate prayer I sought guidance to pull myself out of this hole I had slowly fallen into.  In my anguish the thought came "you were writing gratitude posts when Madie died and continued sharing them for some time after she died. This saved you emotionally during that time period. You need to do this again, and you need to share it publicly, because that is what works best for you." As I have thought about this I realize for me I  spend more time pondering on what I'm grateful for when I share it publicly. 

 I decided to do it and committed in my heart to at least 30 days. Surprisingly within a week I found that my thoughts were focused  more on looking for what I was grateful for so I would have something meaningful to write about the next day. A few days later I was struggling to decide what I should share because I had several to choose between. I realized the bitterness, loneliness and feelings of despair had diminished immensely, replaced with peace and happy moments. I am still in awe of the shift, because it's been so profound for me personally.  
 I found this quote yesterday, which inspired my writing about gratitude today.

"It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."

Gratitude post day 13: Mentors, the power of influence

As I was cleaning up from our  family Valentine's Day, I was pondering on what I would write about.  Mopping the floor with remnants from my grandchildren's cookie making,  cleaning smudges from glass doors and  toys needing reorganization, I felt this incredible gratitude for the mentors in my life. 
 I thought of my first mentor my mother, (maybe it was the cleaning) whose influence has blessed me in ways I continue to discover.  She had this neverending ability to believe in me and tell me I was amazing.

Looking back, I realize that a four year old isn't very amazing at anything, but she convinced me that I was an artist, a clothing designer and that music had come with me from heaven. She told me stories of me joyfully singing as I pretended to wash dishes before I could talk.  (I'm sure I made a complete mess)

Music and a little dance...
As I grew she budgeted for many years of private instruction

(about 7 years old)

(Singing "Anything you can do I can do better" with my brother Jeff)

Dance Recital around 10

These provided ongoing opportunities to perform. We never had a lot of money, but she taught me to work hard, and never give up. 

Competing...
She would listen to me practice for hours, offering encouraging words when I was discouraged. For twelve years I competed annually in AFNA (Accordion Federation of North America) finally winning top categories including "Queen" which was open to girls 15-20 years old. There were usually around 50 girls entered, and each was required to play the same selection.    

At my first competition, for whatever reason, my 8 year old little girl decided someday I would win this.  I was now 20, in college and wanted to give up.  I had come very close the previous two years, too much work, and afraid of never reaching the goal.  My mother encouraged me to let go of my pride and try again.  I have drawn on this experience over and over in my adult life.  

Painting...
My mother also encouraged me as an artist and purchased different types of paints for me to experiment with including the classic paint by number.  I was fortunate to have a 2nd & 3rd grade teacher that mentored my painting skills.  For whatever reason, my mother allowed me to paint in my room, which resulted in me spilling paints and ruining things. Regardless she helped me clean it up and continued to let me paint.

Sewing...
I remember her giving me fabric, and letting me design an outfit when I was about 5 without a pattern.  I wish I had a picture of what I made.  I remember wearing it proudly, but thinking back it must have looked ridiculous although I was oblivious.  She eventually taught me to sew correctly something I personally hated. Even so she found ways to work sewing into life. At the time I despised everything about it.  She was a seamstress; I wanted to create. In my mind most of my time I spent unpicking and upset that we couldn't just buy me a new dress.  "That's what other families do, by the way". (Yes, I got snotty with her) ugh. 
 I was difficult, or obnoxious whenever we were sewing together. Even with the struggles, she was relentless, and I eventually became a proficient seamstress.

 I recall us brainstorming on the design of this dress for my upcoming competition, but the fabric was so cheap my mom bought enough for us to make dresses for the three of us.
   (yes this happened)  

 I sewed for my older children occasionally while they were young, but later found I enjoyed making matching dresses for the little girls.  Yes my mother was rubbing off on me, and I was enjoying it at times.

Christmas gifts, and sewing fun

 Over the years, the place I have used these skills the most would be costume construction for musicals and theater my children have been a part of. As I helped with Les Miserables, I resolved some of my love/hate sewing issues as I shared and taught a few students and adults basic sewing skills. It made me happy to see others excited to learn.  I also realized sewing is like life.  Often times there is unpicking and starting over because of careless mistakes, poor planning, or lack of knowledge.  Just like life, correcting mistakes is frustrating, takes time and patience, but there's a sense of accomplishment for not giving up.  I occasionally felt like my mother was working through me, still mentoring me on how to be more patient with the teaching process then she was with me.

Self Reliance...
Another thing my mother taught me was the joy of a clean and organized home.  I didn't like how she accomplished it, but none the less I learned that I was happier in order and cleanliness. She taught me through years of patience to cook everything from scratch.  We ground whole grains into flour and made bread. pancakes, cookies etc.  With four brothers, and a tight budget she knew how to feed a hungry crew cheaply.  We grew a garden, harvested, canned and preserved it.  My father hunted elk and moose that we ate many years.   I learned how to be self reliant, which became a way of life, during many lean years of our early marriage.

 Was she a perfect mom? 

No, she made mistakes; lots of them. 

But, 

as I pondered over this past weekend, the wonderful family moments,the sounds of beautiful music, and happy grandchildren who learned they could do new skills,

(cookie making first for Peter). 

 I thought how differently my life would be without my mother's influence and belief in me. 

 So much joy fills my life because of her tenacity to not give up on me, to believe in me and to not let me give up on myself.  Quitting was never an option, and that has helped me pick myself up time and time again, and start over.  

Thanks Mom,you were right, I hope you are aware of how your influence is impacting future generations.

 How I would love to have a chat with you!

                                 I miss you...

Taylor and Bailee share about drowsy driving on KSL news and with Zero Fatalities

I wanted to archive both of these videos because it is important for all of us to realize how easily this happens even when you put all the safeguards in place that you "think" will keep you safe.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=33022868#VyTV7DFOtv3jZ4gR.01











https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTb0hCt9FEI&feature=youtu.be