Nov 18 Grateful for insights that have come.. Why anniversaries of traumatic events are tricky...

I have felt since General Conference like I was on a slippery slope to the dreaded anniversary of the crash on Nov 20, 2012. I've noticed a rising apprehension over and over that I've tried very hard to squelch down. 
I don't want to make this harder then it will just naturally be.  So I have filled my life with distractions.  I've immersed myself as much as possible in events that MarShae has been a part of, events that I have been involved in many times before with her and her older siblings, but in the past few weeks I have felt an anxiety that is tangible.  

 Recently MarShae had Region choir auditions, 

a week of Homecoming activities including a dance.  

Larry, MarShae and I judged at the drama tournament. 
Musical auditions and cast list.

 Marielle's, my grand daughter Laura's, and Larry's birthdays.   

 Each of these events are linked to experiences from last year, and for many years for most of them.  

 Memories surfaced with each event, but most especially memories from last year. 

Reminiscing... 

Life seemed to be going well, too well...

 I told a friend just 2 days before the accident that I finally  felt like I was back.  She asked me what I was talking about..  "Well with losing my father a year and a half ago, then my mother 5 months later, and it being Madie's senior year while I was grieving the loss of my parents,  I felt all year like I was getting ready for another loss with Madie leaving for college in  June." 

"it's just been a lot to process, but I am doing so much better!" 

 I will never forget her looking at me and saying with a quizzical expression,

 "Madie just went away to college it isn't like she is gone." 

 I replied, "I know... but it's felt that way and since she will be going on a mission as soon as this year is over,
 I just feel like she is gone."

It was so weird for us to recall that conversation a few days later... A foreshadowing of events.   

What makes anniversaries challenging?

 For me I realized it is that there are events that get memorialized with the death. 

The weeks leading up to the event feel so familiar, like you were just there.

Everything since the accident has been in a new corridor of my brain, a new beginning, but with serious complications. And yet as we have done these activities
 I feel a connection to last year,
 somehow time has been warped..  

Starting with October 2012, General Conference and the historic announcement of the change in age for missionaries. Madie had felt for 3 weeks prior to conference that she was suppose to be preparing to serve a mission, which didn't make any sense considering her personal life.

Madie's first time to attend General Conference Oct 2012

 She wouldn't be old enough for over 2 1/2 years.  She had a boyfriend, Sawyer that she loved dearly who would be leaving to serve when he turned 19. Their birthdays were very close together,so she wouldn't be able to leave on her mission (with the age limit at 21 for girls) until he returned. 

 When the announcement came to lower the age when young men and young women could serve missions for boys to 18, and girls to 19 there was some serious excitement from both families.  

It seemed perfect, 

and as Sawyer stated, "too perfect!"

 I will never forget the last time we skyped with her the Sunday night after conference weekend. 

She was beyond excited! 

 She kept rolling her eyes, and saying

 "I finally know what I am suppose to be doing!!!" 

 I love that this is the last memory I have of seeing her.  

She couldn't contain her happiness! 

 I personally believe she was called on a mission to help from the other side of the veil to hasten the work of the return of our Savior Jesus Christ. 

So...
 ever since my trip to Utah and attending General conference for the first time,

 I have felt like something was in the air, 
something almost tangible. 

 A small stone was rolling and gathering momentum. 

Last week I finally pinpointed why anniversaries are so hard... 

I have felt like I was reliving last year,

 and yet now I know there is a bomb  heading our way, 

and it will soon go off.  

We had an incident yesterday of us rushing out the door to go back to church to meet with the bishop as a family, an appointment we had forgotten.  

In the rush to get out the door, I had set our house alarm, we didn't have our cell phones with us in the church, and the alarm had somehow gone off, either a door that didn't get closed tightly enough or Larry not hearing it go off as he closed the door. 

 Regardless shortly after we returned home I looked out the window to see a police car pulling up to our home. 

 It would be me sitting at the computer and seeing the car, me who remembered looking out the same window almost a year ago wondering why a cop car had pulled up to our house as I was going to answer the knock on the door...

 Even though I realized why he was here, it still just unnerved me as I saw the police car parked in the same spot in front of my house.. 

                   too many similarities..

 As the  20th approaches, I realize it isn't quit over there.. 

There will be the Tuesday before Thanksgiving...

Then Thanksgiving..

The day of the funeral..
 finding myself into December..

 Wondering if holidays will ever feel like holidays again.

I am determined to rise above this... 

  As I have worked around this, and thought of how I want to be brave and have fun with my family, I have thought 

"it's just a stage to step onto."

 "A time to remember, but also a time to live in the moment, and enjoy family and friends." 

(these are my pep talks)

I saw these trees this morning while I was walking,
 and thought "If these trees could talk, what would they say?"

I identified in a strange way with the challenges their life had presented to them.

  I noticed a tree by a soccer goal post and knew in this silent, peaceful morning, that this tree had heard, (if it could hear) every imaginable expression, that is uttered during heated soccer games..

I wondered how it had survived the storms and hurricanes that have swept through this area.

I thought of the recent drought when we lost hundreds of trees in this very park, and yet, here it stood. 

LEANING

As I walked on this foggy gray morning, I thought, 

"I am like this tree,

 somehow still rooted but leaning"...

 Sometimes it feels like more then I am capable of, but I am still rooted.

 I recalled all the stepping stones of my life.  

All the times that life felt too hard, and somehow in those darkest moments I found that I am strong enough..

even with my worst days, 

my mortality rate has been 100%

So I tell myself again,

 "I do my best, and that's good enough"

I take comfort from friends who have walked this path who have told me that once I get to January the hardest 14 months of my life will be over. 

 Not that I won't hurt anymore, but it will never be quit this hard so consistently again. 

The journey will start to improve.

 I cling to the hope that the sun will surely come up again. 

Even if it seems to be coming up for others around me,  

regardless of how many times I wonder if it will ever come up again for me... 

 I hold to the hope that as I turn to my Savior over and over, that the sun will rise again,  and life will again have sprinkles of sunrays that turn into a glorious beautiful day...