Junior High was my first experience without stable ground under me.
My family moved from Las Vegas, Nevada where I spent my first 12 years of life, to Green River, Wyoming (cultural shock) before I started junior high. I lost many things, my best friend since early childhood, my accordion teacher that a lot of my world revolved around, the only place I had ever known was now gone. And need I throw in puberty was also in the works... It was horrific, on many levels. I was made fun of in PE, bullied really in today's terms, and felt like I had been dropped on another planet where all the rules were different and I didn't have a rule book.
My next experience was falling in love the first time. I can say it wasn't like anything I had ever experienced, but in a good way. I thought I was floating on air, and that the world revolved around this boy. Oh my...
Marriage,
WOW! I wasn't at all prepared for happily ever after, I just thought my life would be different then others because I knew how to set goals and make things happen. I found out that marriage is just the beginning of a lot of challenges, but rewarding as well, and I had been duped by Disney .
Pregnancy..
Nothing prepared me for the overtaking of my physical body that occurred when I became pregnant with Ryan. I threw up almost daily and never wanted to eat because it made it worse, but it was also so amazing to have a child growing inside of me, ever decision of food, sleep, plans etc revolved around my baby and upcoming birth, the beginning of realizing the world didn't revolve around me.
And then...
Motherhood...
I didn't know I could feel the feelings I felt for my first child after he was born. It overwhelmed me and I often told teenage girls after I became a mother, "don't give up on becoming a mother for other goals or purposes." It was the most rewarding and life changing experience I had been through up to that point. I remember stating that you will love in ways you didn't know were possible and your life is forever changed when you become a mother.
Miscarriages..
I remember sitting in Dr. Hulme's office at 17 weeks pregnant after we couldn't find the heartbeat and so an ultrasound confirmed my baby had died someplace since my last visit. I remember like it was yesterday thinking how insensitive I had been to other women who lost pregnancies. I didn't have a clue, and i suddenly realized the horror of a pregnancy gone wrong Nothing prepared me for the loss of a child... I was devastated and found it was a very lonely misunderstood journey.
Health issues..
I learned that pain can make you crazy when it is chronic, and sleep deprivation can make you do very weird things. I found that there are very lonely times when depression is easy to come as you are awake in pain while the rest of the world sleeps around you... I found my Savior in a new way.
The accident...
Nov 20, 2012 will be the day for me that marked the death of me and the emergence of someone else, who a year later still doesn't have a clue who that person is. I have been tutored in the cruelest of ways, as I have found what a broken heart feels like. I have ached in the core of my being as can't be described. At times breathing is difficult, and then sometimes it is way too easy, when I feel an ache that I wish life didn't allow me to feel. It is by far the hardest adjustment, and the one that has the farthest reaching consequences. I wish I could pinch myself and find I am dreaming, but alas I have come to realize that this is now my life, and it will probably take years to really find out what that looks like. I have found out what it feels like to live in a daze. I am sure I have offended people, hurt people, and been very self centered. I feel like a wounded animal who is trying to protect herself, but also her young offspring, and yet can't do much of anything...
Thanksgiving/Christmas...
Forever altered.. A day to get through a season to endure. That is how it feels at this point, something I wish I didn't have to experience. The day to day is hard enough, but holidays... they feel like a sick joke! Yet I realize at the same time that I have family that will be together for Thanksgiving and I want to enjoy that time together. I also realize that I don't want our holiday's forever tainted, but it is so hard at this point to not have them tied to trauma. My challenge becomes how to tuck away the obvious and relish in the moments, so that the present isn't lost in the past that overshadows it...
So even though I have always felt like I was a self reliant person who was prepared for the unexpected I have learned that some things there is little preparation for. They flatten your world, and yet you are still alive to figure out how to rebuild some normalcy.
It is when you learn the most about who you really are.
It breaks you in ways that nothing else could.
It's when you discover how much oil you have in your lamp.
It's when you come to understand a broken heart and turning your will over to God.
It's when you come to understand vulnerability in the deepest places of your soul...
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