Nov 26 & 27-Finding Clarity, Getting real

Taylor and Bailee arrived yesterday,(Nov 26th) and we had such a great day/night watching movies, playing games and eating great food.. 

  Since their flight landed just after midnight, the day for most of the family started really late. 

Everyone except for me.  I awoke with a headache around 6:30 a.m. As my mind drifted to consciousness, 

                          I realized it was Tuesday...

 the Tuesday before Thanksgiving... 

 Tears...

 they tumbled and then exploded out of me.

 With time the headache subsided, I wrote in my journal, 
then captured a happy place as the family awoke. 

A bird's eye view into mornings that happen repeatedly, 

and yet at times a reprieve for untold days. 

 Grieving Madeline Rose is a family event, and yet it's the loneliest journey, which is part of the complication for me.  It isn't like we have a family pow-wow and everyone talks about Madie, tears flowing freely and we get it all out together.  No, rather it happens in the recesses, private moments, when we think no one is looking, no one will hear.  It's the natural progression of grief over days, weeks, months, and now we begin years.

 I have found that even though I've wanted to grieve together, it just doesn't work that way.  Normal routine, happy moments need to happen whenever possible for the sake of others.  I learned after the first couple of months that the family needed me to hide my grief as much as possible, to give some normalcy to their lives. My grief made their lives harder, sadder, 

I wanted to protect them from me...

 As I awoke this morning (Nov 27th)
 noticing the stiffness in my body

 I realized I had slept a long time in a fetal position.
Mind tumbling...

 wondering when I wouldn't feel this need to 

coil back inside my mother,

 a safe place, 

 a place where nothing hurts... 

Again this morning tears found me, the sobbing came. 

 I pled with my Heavenly Father. 

Seeking wisdom,

  understanding of what I am to learn.

 Desiring this to mold me into someone I still can't see.  

Eventually peace washed over me.

 Isn't this part of the whole journey?

  The agony of life, 

seeking relief, 

finding resolve,

 becoming someone new.

Writing again brings clarity,

 understanding...

 Enclosing myself into a rose bud,

 safely waiting to bloom,

 but not today.

Gratitude for God given abilities to step onto a stage.

The family coming together for brief moments,

finding joy as we forget for split seconds,

 and laughter fills the air.... 

Realizing her journey was down a path she didn't understand gives me hope....