Real time, Nov 20, 2013

As the world is falling asleep tonight I find my heart breaking again and sleep evading me. My mind is racing to a year ago tonight when I tossed and turned trying to sleep, when a text came in at 1:00 a.m. from Taylor announcing that he was engaged, and since I wasn't sleepy I got up and looked at facebook to see if there were pictures posted.  Sure enough- I watched as their world congratulated them on their engagement.

 I finally went to sleep after 2 a.m. but didn't sleep soundly.  

Did I know what was around the corner? 

 I have often wondered, but eventually I did fall asleep only to wake a little after 7 a.m.

 I was agitated that I was awake, and laid there trying to go back to sleep. 

 Larry was also awake even though we had fallen asleep in separate places.  

Both of us awake, minutes after the fateful accident, has often made me wonder if Madie didn't somehow come and wake us...  

None the less, as I was struggling to sleep tonight I realized that just like a year ago, on that fateful night when I had been awake and distraught for hours, I again can't sleep.

  I vividly remember wandering around the house that had finally become silent, 

trying to sleep in various places.

  I recall laying in Madie's room, crying and wondering where she was, and not wanting to sleep because she had been alive that day, and I knew once I went to sleep I would loose that connection with her.
 So I wandered from room to room, and cried the endless tears of the day that wet my pillow all night 

 Tears that  have followed me throughout this year. 

 Tears that I continue to shed, as I don't want to sleep tonight.

Strangely because then it means that I have gone through an entire year with her gone,

 and I truly don't know how that is possible.

 There is something horrific knowing that I have experienced a year in a living nightmare, and yet, I recall  moments that my nightmare has been tucked away. 

I have faith reprieves will return again, once this well of tears has washed over me. 

 There are no words that can touch how much I ache,

 and this is as raw as it gets....