Kindness is the Essence of Greatness: May 2013

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Snatched...

On Nov. 20th my beautiful daughter was snatched from my life.

No good byes, just gone in an instant.

My son Taylor's wedding plans were snatched, altered...

His strong body snatched and on a road of pain, surgeries, and a miraculous recovery.

Snatched were the family photos that we were going to take and send out at Christmas..

Snatched were the plans for the holiday's, the Lord provided others..

White Christmas, now that wasn't planned!

Temple Square-Christmas 2012

Snatched were the dreams of security and safety.

Gone was the protective canopy that I instinctively created over my children.

Snatched was the concept that I could control my life, that if I always cross my t's and dot my i's that a certain outcome would occur.

Snatched was the sense of security that God knew and understood that I couldn't survive this kind of trauma, in fact I had told him the day before I could never survive one of my children dying, so how can this be? Didn't he get the memo?

Snatched was life as I knew it previously to that day... With a new life that I didn't ask for, instantly beginning.

Snatched were so many things that I used to believe were vital; eating healthy, excercising, accomplishing my to do list.

Snatched was my heart, so I ask myself how is it still beating?

Snatched was a sense of order and control. Being able to do mundane simple everyday things.

Snatched was the ability to know, how I would do or feel in any given moment or circumstance, on any given day.

Snatched is the social scene, with new undefined rules. I sense the apprehension of others, and understand they don't know what to do, most likely there is fear they might upset me. Group situations are the hardest, there is often a tangible awkwardness. I want to say "it's okay if I cry, it is part of my life now. It's okay to talk about Madie, she is always on my mind. If I seem unapproachable, realize that I don't want to be the little black rain cloud."
I am in pain, it rarely goes away, and I often feel lonely for a normal life. A life where I have dreams that haven't been shattered. One where people don't feel sorry for me, or think they can catch what I have. I miss my life that was organized, capable, strong... I also long to feel happy, carefree, innocent, but that seems to be snatched as well.

Yes snatched describes many of my feelings, but it's also something that happens without warning when all is going rather well. Then something "snatches" me and I am completely emotional, and not sure when or if it will be long or short. It can be anything, a smell, picture, person, event... the possibilities are endless, but leave me feeling vulnerable much of the time.
As I start to put the pieces of my life back together, there is the aspect of anytime, anywhere I could get snatched, and then again another wave of grief, that may or may not be at a good or appropriate time...

What helps?
Family and Friends

Unconditional love is imperative.

Discovering a purpose,
exploring a way to honor Madie
I find myself trying to define what's meaningful, and gives my life hope and direction. I've observed my children and husband as we all search for ways to honor Madie.

  Marielle's story

  Trust...

Trusting that Heavenly Father is in charge, and knows
me by name. Possessing confidence that even in my darkest hours, he is there and will send something, somehow for me to know.

Occasionally I am snatched in a way that is completely unexpected. Something unimaginable happens, and I know I have been "snatched" into a heavenly moment.. My vision and perspective completely altered. I am strengthened and given courage to continue putting one foot in front of the other.

Also having complete faith in "The Plan of Salvation" grounds my deepest sorrows.

Knowing that I existed as a spirit child, with Heavenly
Parents. Grateful that Christ came to earth to satisfy
the demands of justice, and atone for the sins and the
pain of mankind. Breaking the bands of death when he
died on the cross.

Understanding that this earth life is a small moment
when we are tested and gain a physical body. Lacking
experience, we had no comprehension of physical or
emotional pain.

A veil was put over our minds as we came to earth,
lending opportunities to prove ourselves through how
we lived, choices we made, using Christ's Atonement
to repent and be forgiven. Also using his atonement to
heal our wounds and infirmities. His grace is sufficient!

Rising again, regardless of the times we feel our life is

"snatched" out from under us, resolving to be our best

regardless of life's circumstances, to trust the Lord, to

lean on the comfort of our Savior Jesus Christ.

Through the atonement our broken hearts and souls

can be healed. Longing for the day when all tears will

be wiped away. When we'll finally feel the security

and love of never having a snatching moment again,

and return to live with our Savior Jesus Christ and God

the Father. To be reunited with Families and have the

ability to be with our families forever.

This is what brings me comfort, when all else cannot...

Jan 30,2013 edited May 29, 2013

Monday, May 27, 2013

Mirrors... Reflections... Moving forward...

One of the most difficult aspects for me as a mother is vacillating between the past and the present. There is an internal conflict that often plagues me that I am leaving Madie behind if I am living in the present. I struggle that she will be forgotten and that I am abandoning her. It is very real, and ongoing. The problem is that when I am stuck in the past, then I am not really present for my family and others.
I have spent much of the last two weeks buried in the past.

What started out as a photo collage that my children made for me as a gift on Mother's Day,

turned into a very late night of going through old photos.

Envelopes full of pictures were all over the game room floor with favorites my children had pulled out as they were deciding which ones should be included. Initially my goal was to clean up the mess but soon found myself regressing somewhere in time.

I finally forced myself to go to bed at about 4:a.m. with an idea formulating to do blog posts for my two children's birthdays in the upcoming week. It soon became apparent that this was way more involved than I could have imagined. I was completely fixated on this project. Somehow creating this was bringing a sense of order to at least one part of my life... the pictures, the memories...something there had never been the time or desire to organize, even if it was just a few of them. So many needed editing, another new skill I muddled through learning.
As I engrossed myself in selecting photos, then editing, (we were not skilled film photographers) I found myself regressing into each time period. I felt completely detached much of the week, wandering in a sea of memories. My family was sure they had completely lost me to the computer. I was obsessed. I wanted Madie's to be perfect, a place I could escape to when I need to immerse myself in her life, her words. I worked nonstop for days on end. Pictures took on new meaning. Her words, brought to life...

I vividly recall her frantically working on this project exactly a year ago, so she could enjoy her birthday weekend. The project was due the day after her birthday. Madie, Sawyer and I worked on her "ABC" book until midnight Friday night. The book is now a personal treasure because I remember with clarity her choosing each picture, deciding on an adjective to go with each photo and then a sentence to describe the picture using the word. I remember she was exhausted, and was hurriedly writing out each sentence in her own handwriting. At the time I was wishing she had taken more time to neatly write each sentence, but now I am so grateful because it is so her...
She wasn't known for her handwriting legibility. We finally finished all 26 letters with pages. Somewhere during her birthday weekend she wrote the other part of the assignment, her adaptation of Walt Whitman's "There was a Child went forth"

If the birthday's hadn't been a priority, I would have been writing. Often I would wake up and lie in bed, with so many thoughts running through my brain. realizing that I would have to put it off until I got through Madie's birthday and then Ryan's a few days later.
To find myself going through pictures exactly a year later, searching for photos to bring to life her version of "There was a child went forth" has been rather bizarre. I discovered little fragments of my heart healing as I brought Madie's words to life through photos.
The next morning I wrapped my head around creating one for Ryan as well. It seemed like the right thing to do. He loved it and I had accomplished this monumental task.

I woke up this morning ready to be in the present again.

Larry and I went for our first attempt at running to prepare for the 5 K run that RoseRunners is starting to conceptualize over Thanksgiving to memorialize Madie's death.

It felt invigorating, much better than I had invisioned.

We ran/walked at Ehrhardt Elementary School where our family spent a summer running in 2009. It was when I discovered I could start slowly and run again, even though I hadn't ran in years. That year Madie and I became health gurus, running, walking, working out at the gym, yoga and of course, green smoothies.

She was my partner, and when she died I found I couldn't even choke down a smoothie... it would get stuck in my throat. I felt abandoned, left behind, even though I knew she would want me to stay strong, I couldn't. It was too painful, I felt broken..

Unfortunately I find myself again this afternoon, alone, understanding that for the most part, I am all over the place emotionally. Vacillating hour by hour. It is one of the hardest aspects of my life right now. I never know how I will be doing. This can become very frustrating and exhausting. I went from a high this morning to a low this afternoon. I would have thought that the roller coaster of emotions would have calmed down by now, but I am realizing that grief is a much longer process than I want it to be. I often have pep talks with myself saying, "quality of life is determined by your choices. How you deal with this, is the only thing you have control of." Oh how I wish I felt more stability, but the truth is, most of the time I don't.
I learned a long time ago that I can do hard things, I just didn't know life could feel this hard, or that something so unexpected could now be the reality that is constantly on my mind I have hope that if I keep pushing myself along that in time it will get better, and things will level out, I just wish hundreds of times every day that this wasn't my new reality...

Excerpt from Madie's gratitude journal from last years..

Joe, Marielle, MarShae, Madeline, Gabe, Sawyer & Mikella

Madie's ABC Book

Sunday, May 26, 2013

There are days, and then there are days...

If I was to do a life review, about my most "life changing" days, at the top of the list would have been 32 years ago, when I became a mother. Nothing prepared me for the change that would occur in that moment... Love found a whole new meaning.

Dear Ryan,
I didn't know I could feel the emotions I felt as I gazed into your eyes for the first time. Motherhood has been a wonderful, and sometimes painful journey to experience. Even so, with all of the recent heartache I wouldn't choose a different path.
Thank you for being willing to be the guinea pig, my personal trainer.
I feel like we grew up together, I just had some years on you.

Here is some of the journey from my perspective....