Nov 22, Emotional Fatigue..Healing in the Garden

As we passed the year mark a couple of days ago I felt a bit of relief to know we had experienced many landmark events without Madie at least once, everything but Thanksgiving and Christmas in our home. Last year felt surreal, so now to figure out the holidays with memories of tragedy associated with them. 
 I have felt exhausted over the past several days, so have taken life as easily as possible.

My spirits have been lifted by beautiful flowers, 

 but even so I feel kind of empty inside.  I think it is just part of the realization that days are melting into weeks, which turn into months, and eventually into years. It's hard not to wonder how I will fare as we move into this next year without Madeline. 

So I looked through my blog again, looking for strength from days when I felt not as worn down. I desired something happy on this cold grey day to recall the miracles and beauty that was in my garden earlier this year.

Healing in the Garden                                      June 23, 2013

Sacred places... I have wanted to write for awhile about the places that I feel connected to heaven, where I feel assurance that Madie is aware of me along with other departed loved ones, like my parents, in laws and grandparents.   I believe anyplace can be sacred if we slow down and quiet the distractions around us, but some places for me have seemed more pronounced...

 I have often felt close to Madie in our gardens. 

I guess it makes sense since Larry and I created two beds specifically for the baby I lost before her and then the healing bed for her with a special rose bush each time. 

Madeline Rose's bed under construction (Taylor being adorable)

 When she passed away the first remarkable occurrence in the garden was a single small rose bud that I noticed when I returned home the day of her funeral. 

 It was Dec 1, 2012 the weather was nice but winter was settling in.  I looked at her rose bush as I walked up the path and noticed the tiny bud.  
I distinctly remember thinking after this day of days, "Oh my, when all the beautiful flowers from the funeral are dead there will be a rose on her bush, symbolizing why I planted rose bushes in the first place..  I took a moment thinking, "thank you Madie, for reminding me that new life springs forth even at the end of a growing season".

In my daze of the next week I forgot all about her rose, until early Sunday morning on Dec. 9th. 

 Larry came into the house saying,  "You've got to come and see this flower".  I wondered if he was referring to the rose on Madie's bush. Not expecting much I walked outside. The tiny bud of a week ago had grown straight up on a thick stalk, about 18 inches and produced the most magnificent rose I had ever seen.

 It lifted my spirits for the rest of the week as I watched, photographed and marveled over her bloom that held on for days,

   showing the world that miracles do happen,
                                     right here in an ordinary garden.

In early December, exploring Old Town Spring with Larry and our girls I was looking for a star to put on top of the Christmas tree,while the girls were in a tea shop,

                           having afternoon tea with Rachelle.

(The last thing Madie did with Taylor and Bailee just before the accident was star gaze)  As I searched for a star,  I looked across the street and saw a huge star on top of an iron arch arbor.

 The star and arch spoke to me, and I couldn't get if off my mind for the rest of the week. 

First photo looking through the arch on the day of the "Remember Madeline" walk

I had wanted an iron trellis for a bleeding heart vine that I planted several years earlier, and I knew this was perfect .

I have often feel the symbolism as I walk through the arch into Madie's garden, a reminder that she isn't far away,

 the flowers so symbolic of my own bleeding heart.

I love to imagine the dance parties that might be going on, that she is still around; just unseen.

Rachelle had dance parties with the 'little girls" starting early in their childhood when she visited from BYU.. 

Madie and Marielle 

(Concrete we poured when all seven children were living at home with each child's hand prints, now border Madie's garden.)

Continuing....

 It would be a few months before something grabbed my attention again.

I took a trip in late Feb. to Washington State visiting Lake Quinault with Tara Mereth, Debbie Hodgkin and Lori Rogers. I got a surprise photo as I was learning how to use my new ipod that felt like a"Madie Hello" sunbeams streaming into rainbows!

When I returned home springtime was erupting with the azaleas opening up.

They were a sea of white flowers, just the beginning of the white spectacle that I would notice as springtime blossomed.

  Soon the amarillys' pink and red showered beauty on my eyes that were stained with a constant flow of tears. I knew something special was happening, like a finely tuned orchestra,flower replacing flower for a constant display of beauty.

As springtime unfolded nature smiled on our garden, as Larry grieved in privacy while laboring there.  

Then some unexplained blooming occurred.

 A white calla lily that 

hasn't bloomed in at 

least 20 years, decided 

to bloom this spring.

 A few days later the first rose buds on Madie's bush were opening, and the first two roses of spring gave me an unexplainable surprise... the timing on this miracle occurred when I was at one of my lowest points. Having just heard about the Boston bombings, with an all too clear understanding of the horror of so many people's lives which were instantly changed. My already difficult morning took a turn for the worse and I pleaded with Heavenly Father to send all the help he could spare. Was I ever surprised as I looked upon this miracle! I thought I was imagining things at first, that out of nowhere this white rose had appeared, and I knew my prayers were heard, and He knew my sorrow.

I then became more involved with our gardens getting out of the house and purchasing some annuals to add some color.

    I found and enjoyed some new flowers that I added to our garden,

only to be surprised by this lone white flower that bloomed on the same plant weeks later.

 I started conceptualizing some healing areas. Marielle and I began a "Madie's last journey"

garden by our  front door, a way to bond and heal a little together. 

Larry and I brought back things from the crash site, that we added to this garden.

 I have discovered that grieving is a very personal, often lonely journey as each individual finds their way through the maze.  It is rare that any of us are in the same place emotionally at the same time.  It is part of the confusing aspect for me that I have come to accept.

 I mentioned to Larry after Madie died that this year I wanted beauty in my garden over vegetables and herbs that had been the priority over the past several years. I'd like to think Madie heard...

or at least someone heard because this bush hasn't ever bloomed like this before...

   

 Sometimes when I write, I feel additional healing as I recall and work through my latest struggles.  Today it was good to remember the miracles that have happened in my gardens this year, and the healing of new life around me.  Even so, as often happens I dropped some serious tears as I came across things in Madie's phone that were her last texts, and her last video singing in the car with Taylor and Bailee. her final good byes, were full of life, happiness, beauty and joy. I am grateful for the extraordinary beauty to offset the absence of happiness and joy that I daily strive to recover as I continue on my path of healing...

A path that often leads through my garden, mindlessly walking, looking for comfort and strength...

 realizing she is walking on a new path,

and somehow miraculously, I have this picture that gives me a visual of her leaving, entering a new garden, since there were no goodbyes....