Dec1, 2013 A year since Madie's funeral, thoughts and feelings...

I went to visit Madie's grave today, something I haven't done for awhile.  I have found that it doesn't offer me much besides sadness.  I hate that her body is there, but that I can't see or hear her.  I talk to her plenty, but oh how I wish she would answer me back.

  We have a new missionary  serving in our area who stopped by with his companion a couple of days ago, and happened to be in Madie's ward at BYU.  He knew that I was her mother, even though I didn't know he knew anything about me. He shared with me some of his thoughts and feelings of being away at BYU when someone he knew, my Madie died. It was sweet to hear him talk about her and her roommates. I told the missionaries that their mothers would love to see what I was seeing, them out being missionaries. I felt connected to their mothers in that moment. I told them the biggest difference between what they are doing and what Madie is doing is that I can't communicate with her. I asked them to write their mothers that night the letter that I so wish Madie could write me. 

 They promised me they would.  

Today has been difficult, remembering the funeral a year ago, our final goodbyes to Madeline Rose. 

I have spent an exhausting year trying to figure out a way to connect to her. I have seen her in happenings of nature around me, but it just isn't the same.   I miss everything about her...

 She sat for hours at the computer that I spend so much time on myself.  It is so weird to think she typed on these keys, doing homework assignments, messaging friends on Facebook, etc.  I find it so weird that I can use things, see things, touch things that were a part of her life and mine, and yet she is gone.
 How do "things" out last a child?

 It is beyond me...

But since I can't get a letter from Madie I continue to write her, hoping she knows and understands my heart...

Dear Madie,

It's been a year since I said goodbye to you, lying in a casket that I hated everything about.  I still find it so hard to believe that you are gone. So strange that it's been a year without hearing your voice when I was just beginning to adjust to you being away at college when this happened.  It's beyond my ability to tolerate at times.      BUT...   
  You would be proud of me, I made Thanksgiving dinner, even though I didn't want to. We had a 5K in honor of you, even though I wanted to stay in the warmth of my bed. It was so cold Thanksgiving morning, but there were lots of people that came to support our family and remember you.. 

 I miss your laugh, the way you always played with your hair, biting your nails, eating apples and walnuts. I miss the grumpy you who hated being woken up. I miss our late night walks, going to the gym, shopping trips to the Mall...

 I wish I could find the mother I was before.  I have lost all control of eating healthy.  I have gained weight, so weird to weigh more then I have since I had Marielle.  The addictions have been coming from places in my past, resurfacing, and I hate that I seem to have no control.

 I am grateful Madie to have learned so much this year, but the learning has been incredibly painful. 

 I'm grateful that you are with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  That you are on a special mission, teaching and helping prepare the world for the Second Coming of Christ, even though I don't like your mission call,  I have felt many times that this is part of the reason you were taken. 

 I hold to faith that even in my darkest moments, that Christ will help me, that the Spirit of the Holy Ghost will comfort me, and that I can figure out who I am and what it is that God wants me to do, because this is so hard! 

 I was reading my scriptures today, and thought "well Madie can't write me the letter that I wish she could, is there a message in my scriptures that she could give me?"  I turned to a place not really thinking, and there it was, my message. Highlighted in Philippians 4:13 the scripture that you would know became my mantra in 2009.  I knew you would know it's significance, and it gave me the added strength I needed to get through today.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" 

 I told you over and over that summer that I would say this to myself to run just a block farther when we started running again.  It also helped me when I had so many foods that would give me migraine headaches.  I became so strong, and there it was... a reminder of days gone by with you as I shared my struggles with my health challenges and how I faced them.  

So even though I struggle with the littlest of things, and find a heaviness has come over me, I'm coming to accept that I don't know who it is that I am suppose to become. I've been seeking inspiration in my personal prayers. I've found insights from  Nephi ( in the Book of Mormon) when faced with incredible odds, he said 

"...Let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord "   

"And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."

"Nevertheless I went forth..."  

1 Nephi 4:1,6,7

So as I stumble daily feeling so worn out, and unsure of how to face this second year, I gain strength from these concepts, these and knowing that I am a daughter of God, understanding that he loved you before I loved you, helps me know you are okay.  God has shown me his love in my darkest of moments.  He has shown me he's aware of me, my needs my thoughts. This helps me to continue forward into the unknown as I face December with so many conflicting emotions and Christmas at home without you. Something that makes me want to run and hide till January arrives...