Nov 29-30 Madeline's temple work and a favorite blog post

On Friday Nov 29 when so many where shopping, (Black Friday) Larry, Taylor, Bailee and I went to the temple to be there when Madie's temple work  was done by proxy by Rachelle. It was the last thing we could do for her, something that was good, but so hard too. 

 It was a year ago that Larry and I finally saw Madeline, and started our goodbyes to our precious daughter.  I remember that so much of her didn't look like her.too much makeup, bruising, a little swelling..  but her hair still did.  Her hands and toes did too.  For the type of accident and injury she looked good, but there is nothing to prepare a parent for seeing a child's body in a casket.  Larry couldn't touch her, but I had to inspect her to make sure she was all there.  I had cut and styled her hair her entire life except when she took scissors to it.  I was glad it still looked and felt the same.  Everything else was what I had created, but not her.  Just the shell.  What God had created, her spirit- that was so obviously missing.  I am grateful to know that she will be resurrected again, reunited with her spirit and made perfect.  I will always be grateful for this knowledge.   The challenge  from the moment of knowing she was gone, how to do this physical thing.  It's so difficult! The last thing I did was cut a piece of her hair, something tangible to keep before we closed the casket...

 It has been a long year, a year of tears, quiet moments of reflection, change, I became a writer, something I never would have thought I would do in any form, especially not in a public form. To end this month of gratitude, I decided to share one of my favorite blog posts.

Firsts... Prom, weddings and such...

 Firsts... I can't believe how many things I have had to do for the first time since Madie died that have been so difficult.  Last week I found myself doing hand sewing all week getting a dress ready for MarShae to wear to prom.  Honestly, I didn't think I would be doing another formal until MarShae’s senior year for prom because part of doing the dresses for Madie last year was that MarShae would be also able to wear them.  That illusion was shattered…   but seriously it would be too weird, too soon, too memorialized right now. Besides she needed to know she was the girl of the night, right?  Even so, the task completely overwhelmed me… Thankfully I had a dear friend who could see MarShae’s needs, shopped with me for fabric, constructed the basic dress and encouraged me to be able to take on the lace work and finish the dress.  So grateful! 

 I know what "real" angels feel like...

Almost ready, last touches... Prom 2012

Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle... 
Everything  I do is stitched with it's color.
Senior Prom 2012 Madeline Rose 

I was literally up to my eyeballs in MarShae’s dress, crying often as memories flooded my mind of a short year ago when I was in crunch time on Madie’s prom dress, when I was kindly asked if I could possibly do one of Madie's friends hair for her wedding in two days. I burst into tears when I read the message, not knowing how I could even do something so soon, so personal,   what I always did for Madie, on her friend's wedding day… So hard, and yet I felt like Madie would want me to.

Homecoming Senior Year with Sawyer

A little history… Madie's first date was with this couple and she adored them.  We talked extensively about them when she was trying to figure out if she should go to college in a relationship with Sawyer.  It was a dream that I shared with Madie, a possibility, an illusion,,,  No wedding, no happily ever after… how could I do this… I called her mother and she was so kind, understanding that it might be hard both physically and emotionally for me to do.

They shared with me that a hairdresser had done her hair the previous Saturday  for bridal portraits.  It wasn’t what they had hoped for, then it started raining so the photo shoot was canceled.  They said a prayer asking who could maybe do her hair and give her the look she wanted for her wedding day. My name came to both of them…

 I wondered who was playing with my life… I had earlier that day decided I didn't want to attend the reception because I thought it would be too hard, now this choice... I did the only thing I could, I prayed.  I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father and told him how overwhelmed I was with the dress and also I didn't know if I could do her hair. I felt like it was something I have the talent to do, but not sure the heart to be able pull it off.  I again felt Madie would want me to do her friends hair, so I  agreed and went back to sewing, tears rolling down my cheeks. I asked my Savior to sustain me and help me accomplish the tasks at hand.  So many times I felt encouraged while sewing MarShae’s dress, interspersed with flashbacks of Madie's prom exactly a year ago.  I felt prompted numerous times to go put on a conference talk, read scriptures, read Madie's journal...  It always lightened my burdens..

I knew the spirits voice...

 I awoke early and prayed to have the strength and ability to do her hair, knowing how important her day was....  I saw pictures and went to work not sure if I could make it happen.  I found myself crying and silently praying. My brain was so scattered, I don't know how I did her hair, but it happened. I was invited to come to the temple afterwards to see her in her dress while pictures were taken. Back to work on the dress, more tears.. Friends reached out as I stitched....I decided to go see and  was pleasantly surprised when I saw her. How perfect she looked.  It was like a masterpiece... 

 I knew who the "real" creator was...

 I was watching the bride and groom, in my own little world, really happy for the two of them, yet so aware of what wouldn't be happening for me. While taking everything in I had a chance encounter with a general authority who had been told of my situation. He came up to me, looked me in the eyes  put his hands on my arms, and spoke tender words of comfort to me.  I can't remember much of what he said, but I do know I felt enveloped in love.  It was as though my Savior stood there staring into my eyes with a love that consumed me..  It overwhelmed me to my very core, tears streamed down my cheeks, and I felt a love that is beyond description. I remember him gazing into my eyes and telling me that Heavenly Father doesn't allow us to have any experiences here in mortality that aren't necessary for our Eternal progression. I remember nodding my head in understanding of what he was telling me...

Timeless

I knew who the "real" healer was...

I marvel even as I write this of all of the sacred experiences I have had since Madie has died, for that I am so grateful to see the hand of God as he comes through, showing me his power.  

As for prom... 

 well that was really amazing to have so much help come from different places that brought it all together.

 Messages, texts, rides, things dropped off, shoe shopping, her hat created.

 MarShae’s hair styled  by someone besides me..

 I stitched till we put the dress on MarShae, added the completed hat,

 and just stood in awe at what had happened…

 Again I knew who the creator is,

 and for that I give thanks to my Heavenly Father 

for once again showing me nothing is too difficult

 my trust and faith strengthened this week…

Pure joy... Makes it all worth the effort!

                                                                  The design team

Back to  Nov 30, 2013
On a different note, so I will remember...

I sometimes wonder why it is that when the family comes together it seems to be so crazy, loud, fun, very late nights, then it's gone.. quiet, almost silent. Everyone left today, and the house is very still.

 It reminds me of the aftermath of last year.  So much in the beginning, and then so little as time moved along and we felt our way into living on our own again.  It reminds me of a post I wrote on grief and trauma resembling being bipolar.  The opposites of emotions and experiences is strange to have it become normal.

My cat Zuko was still a kitten when Madie died, and I hadn't ever owned a cat before.  He got really weird after Madie died and I wondered if he sensed her or saw her spirit.  I really had so little experience with cats.  Yesterday he  showed me that he doesn't like it when his routine or life is greatly altered, he did some things that if he wasn't such a good companion during my days when everyone was gone, he might find himself as an outdoor cat... I guess he doesn't like it when the house gets loud, full of fun... he likes our quiet scheduled routine. He was very convincing!  It added to the out of control feeling that I felt as our life moved through holidays, lots of fun, but seriously very late nights!  I am grateful to have accomplished the past 10 days.  I have learned that survival, is possible, and that good, sometimes great things can happen, interspersed with the emotional supercharged experiences.  
Last thought...

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Madie's funeral, maybe I will write, I don't know.... 

Nov 28- First Remember Madeline Turkey Trot, with video from Sterling's gyrocopter

I am  grateful for having a purpose this morning when I woke up.  Knowing that a walk to remember Madeline was in place, was a wonderful way to start this first Thanksgiving. My heart is full of gratitude for the people who woke up on this very cold morning and joined our family for the first Remember Madeline Turkey trot. 

Amazing turnout to support our family 

Morris family after the 5K

My walking buddy, Alicia Eichorn, Madie's AP English teacher from her senior year


 As we were walking past our home we caught the Lyman family tying yellow ribbons around our trees. I love the texas star and Madie's star together in this picture.  so touching to see 4 trees in our front yard with big beautiful yellow ribbons.  


  Starting and finishing from Ehrhardt Elementary where our family just finished 25 consecutive years,  Taylor who last Thanksgiving was lying in a hospital bed not able to move, 

finished the 5K first in 21 minutes. 

Taylor's first place finish, unbelievable that he even can run 

 The Thanksgiving miracle, would be seeing how far he has come this year.

As a family we will never forget the outpouring of love, prayers, and every act of service imaginable that surrounded our Thanksgiving holiday last year. 

 I remember with humility and gratitude, eating Thanksgiving dinner on a picnic blanket on a cold concrete floor of the waiting room in a hospital last year.  We tried to share with any who walked by realizing that we had turkey and the fixings, brought by friends, that so many people there didn't have. 

 I know there are families today in hospitals across this country, praying for miracles, not caring too much about what day it is, just very aware that their lives are playing out with a script they had no agenda for.  My heart and prayers go out this morning to all of them.  I will never forget!  
I clearly remember not knowing if Taylor would ever walk again, knowing that he had very little ability to move any part of his body.  I will never forget the look in his eyes, when I first saw him on Thanksgiving eve last year.  It's imprinted on my mind forever. 

"Deer in headlights"

He was intubated, pain coursed through his body both emotionally and physically, in ways I hope I never understand, and yet I would have taken it from him if there had been a way to do so. 
Remembering Madeline, Taylor and Bailee, plus our family's journey,  I again share this video for any who may have missed it last week. I will never forget seeing this on a megatron screen in October at the BYU homecoming Spectacular then watching  Taylor perform(singing and dancing) for an audience of around 10,000 people on two consecutive nights.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hI3mKNiX8w&hd=1
Last of all...
 Sterling, the artist in our family has the coolest tools for his business and so we have some footage from the beginning of our walk. Not your average video, it's amazing!

Nov 26 & 27-Finding Clarity, Getting real

Taylor and Bailee arrived yesterday,(Nov 26th) and we had such a great day/night watching movies, playing games and eating great food.. 

  Since their flight landed just after midnight, the day for most of the family started really late. 

Everyone except for me.  I awoke with a headache around 6:30 a.m. As my mind drifted to consciousness, 

                          I realized it was Tuesday...

 the Tuesday before Thanksgiving... 

 Tears...

 they tumbled and then exploded out of me.

 With time the headache subsided, I wrote in my journal, 
then captured a happy place as the family awoke. 

A bird's eye view into mornings that happen repeatedly, 

and yet at times a reprieve for untold days. 

 Grieving Madeline Rose is a family event, and yet it's the loneliest journey, which is part of the complication for me.  It isn't like we have a family pow-wow and everyone talks about Madie, tears flowing freely and we get it all out together.  No, rather it happens in the recesses, private moments, when we think no one is looking, no one will hear.  It's the natural progression of grief over days, weeks, months, and now we begin years.

 I have found that even though I've wanted to grieve together, it just doesn't work that way.  Normal routine, happy moments need to happen whenever possible for the sake of others.  I learned after the first couple of months that the family needed me to hide my grief as much as possible, to give some normalcy to their lives. My grief made their lives harder, sadder, 

I wanted to protect them from me...

 As I awoke this morning (Nov 27th)
 noticing the stiffness in my body

 I realized I had slept a long time in a fetal position.
Mind tumbling...

 wondering when I wouldn't feel this need to 

coil back inside my mother,

 a safe place, 

 a place where nothing hurts... 

Again this morning tears found me, the sobbing came. 

 I pled with my Heavenly Father. 

Seeking wisdom,

  understanding of what I am to learn.

 Desiring this to mold me into someone I still can't see.  

Eventually peace washed over me.

 Isn't this part of the whole journey?

  The agony of life, 

seeking relief, 

finding resolve,

 becoming someone new.

Writing again brings clarity,

 understanding...

 Enclosing myself into a rose bud,

 safely waiting to bloom,

 but not today.

Gratitude for God given abilities to step onto a stage.

The family coming together for brief moments,

finding joy as we forget for split seconds,

 and laughter fills the air.... 

Realizing her journey was down a path she didn't understand gives me hope....

Nov 25 Grateful for recorded memories of Madie

Today I am grateful for family, friends and acquaintances who have taken the time to send memories of Madie.  I treasure each one of them. Much of Madie's life she was at school, studying, or other events.  I am grateful when I learn of some of the things she did as she grew and matured.

A favorite memory of mine...


I can't look at this picture without fond memories with Madie and Cami Hogan (Madie's best friend who captured many of our treasured photos of Madie)  It was Dec 28,2011 Cami had gotten a new camera for Christmas and  had wanted to do some experimenting with natural sunlight so we took lots of pictures that day with Madie in different outfits, some of which she had just gotten for Christmas.  This outfit was a favorite of hers from what became her last Christmas. 
 I remember distinctly Cami getting so excited when she captured this picture of her.  She exclaimed "Oh my gosh, I just got some amazing pictures and the lighting was perfect!" Madie and I rushed over and looked.   We were so excited!

 Every time I look at the pictures from that photo shoot I remember fondly the day, and some interesting outfit changes that created some hysterical moments. 
We were in an abandoned strip center that had never been completed and had lots of graffiti on the walls.  There wasn't any place to change outfits and Madie was very self conscious of changing even though it was a bit remote.  Each time we told her "Madie no one is here", and she quickly modestly was trying to change her outfit, but very uncomfortable.  
All of a sudden Madie exclaimed, "Look people!!!"  we turned around and over on the other side of the area where we were, some guys were coming in to do a photo shoot as well.  Madie was dying! I have never seen her so completely mortified!  Cami and I were laughing so hysterically that I wasn't sure if my bladder would hold! She was so mad! 
 So many memories from that day...
 here are some of the pictures Cami captured.

The infamous outfit 

I am grateful for the shopping trips to buy the clothes, the photo shoots that Madie loved to do, and that Madie invited me to come along on this adventure, because 
    When someone you love becomes a memory,

              their memory becomes a treasure....  

 To finish off  I wanted to share a link of memories from family members  from my blog post "Hero's all around us"   

Nov 24- Grateful for promptings this week from the Holy Ghost

This morning I spent some time on lds.org looking at tools they have for making scripture study more effective.  I came across the statement below in a lesson I was reading titled "Using Scriptures to Meet Personal Needs"  As I read these words several situations from this past week came to mind when I knew that I had been taught by the spirit, as this describes.  I am grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost, and promptings that come even if they are hard at times to accept.

“The scriptures can also help us obtain answers
to highly specific personal questions. It is obvious,
of course, that the scriptures do not contain a
comprehensive list of specific answers to every
question we could ask about a particular subject.
The scriptures are not like a telephone book or an
encyclopedia
" We often hear it said that the scriptures have the answers to all of our questions. Why is this so?
 It is not that the scriptures contain a specific answer to every question—even to every doctrinal question. We have continuing revelation in our Church because the scriptures do not have a specific answer to every possible question. We say that the scriptures contain the answers to every question because the scriptures can lead us to every answer."
 The reading of the scriptures will help us obtain a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. They will also put us in a position where we can obtain inspiration to answer any doctrinal or personal question, whether or not that question directly concerns the subject we are studying in the scriptures. That is a grand truth not understood by many. To state it again, even though the scriptures contain no words to answer our specific personal question, a prayerful study of the scriptures will help us obtain such answers. This is because scripture study will make us susceptible to the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, which, as the scriptures say, will ‘guide [us] into all truth’ (John 16:13), and by whose power we can ‘know the truth of all things’ (Moroni10:5).

“We may also find that a specific verse of scripture that was spoken for quite a different purpose in an entirely different age will, under the interpretive influence of the Holy Ghost, give us a very personal message adapted to our personal needs today”

I personally want to remember experiences as I went through this week of personal answers that came. 

 First that there wasn't another way for me to learn and become who I need to be without the experience of losing Madeline,

 almost losing Taylor and everything that has happened as a fall out of the crash a year ago. 

 I also learned this week that even though I want to have certain experiences, and have longed for them, that I am being given the gift of faith, which is a belief in things not seen.  Even though I have desired things that haven't happened as I had hoped, I am being stretched in the process of showing forth faith.

Nov 23, Region Choir, deja vu

Fun family times today, seeing Catching Fire with Ryan, Sterling and Kathy, Marielle and I.  Now we are off to listen to MarShae perform in the Region Choir concert, and enjoy some amazing music. The Region Choir Concert was the last activity Larry and I did with our girls last year just 3 days before the accident.  It feels weird to be going, because if I knew last year what was around the corner I don't know if I would have enjoyed the music like I did.  Last years concert was so incredibly beautiful.   I remember Madie called as we were driving to the concert to ask me about  how to pick avocados and cuties. 

Update after this years concert...

It gets weird...

So we were looking for food after the concert and were the front car on a 4 car pile up.  No one was hurt, but seriously???

 It was really strange.  So tonight I am grateful to be reminded that accidents happen, and that sometimes everything turns out fine, and no one gets hurt...

Nov 22, Emotional Fatigue..Healing in the Garden

As we passed the year mark a couple of days ago I felt a bit of relief to know we had experienced many landmark events without Madie at least once, everything but Thanksgiving and Christmas in our home. Last year felt surreal, so now to figure out the holidays with memories of tragedy associated with them. 
 I have felt exhausted over the past several days, so have taken life as easily as possible.

My spirits have been lifted by beautiful flowers, 

 but even so I feel kind of empty inside.  I think it is just part of the realization that days are melting into weeks, which turn into months, and eventually into years. It's hard not to wonder how I will fare as we move into this next year without Madeline. 

So I looked through my blog again, looking for strength from days when I felt not as worn down. I desired something happy on this cold grey day to recall the miracles and beauty that was in my garden earlier this year.

Healing in the Garden                                      June 23, 2013

Sacred places... I have wanted to write for awhile about the places that I feel connected to heaven, where I feel assurance that Madie is aware of me along with other departed loved ones, like my parents, in laws and grandparents.   I believe anyplace can be sacred if we slow down and quiet the distractions around us, but some places for me have seemed more pronounced...

 I have often felt close to Madie in our gardens. 

I guess it makes sense since Larry and I created two beds specifically for the baby I lost before her and then the healing bed for her with a special rose bush each time. 

Madeline Rose's bed under construction (Taylor being adorable)

 When she passed away the first remarkable occurrence in the garden was a single small rose bud that I noticed when I returned home the day of her funeral. 

 It was Dec 1, 2012 the weather was nice but winter was settling in.  I looked at her rose bush as I walked up the path and noticed the tiny bud.  
I distinctly remember thinking after this day of days, "Oh my, when all the beautiful flowers from the funeral are dead there will be a rose on her bush, symbolizing why I planted rose bushes in the first place..  I took a moment thinking, "thank you Madie, for reminding me that new life springs forth even at the end of a growing season".

In my daze of the next week I forgot all about her rose, until early Sunday morning on Dec. 9th. 

 Larry came into the house saying,  "You've got to come and see this flower".  I wondered if he was referring to the rose on Madie's bush. Not expecting much I walked outside. The tiny bud of a week ago had grown straight up on a thick stalk, about 18 inches and produced the most magnificent rose I had ever seen.

 It lifted my spirits for the rest of the week as I watched, photographed and marveled over her bloom that held on for days,

   showing the world that miracles do happen,
                                     right here in an ordinary garden.

In early December, exploring Old Town Spring with Larry and our girls I was looking for a star to put on top of the Christmas tree,while the girls were in a tea shop,

                           having afternoon tea with Rachelle.

(The last thing Madie did with Taylor and Bailee just before the accident was star gaze)  As I searched for a star,  I looked across the street and saw a huge star on top of an iron arch arbor.

 The star and arch spoke to me, and I couldn't get if off my mind for the rest of the week. 

First photo looking through the arch on the day of the "Remember Madeline" walk

I had wanted an iron trellis for a bleeding heart vine that I planted several years earlier, and I knew this was perfect .

I have often feel the symbolism as I walk through the arch into Madie's garden, a reminder that she isn't far away,

 the flowers so symbolic of my own bleeding heart.

I love to imagine the dance parties that might be going on, that she is still around; just unseen.

Rachelle had dance parties with the 'little girls" starting early in their childhood when she visited from BYU.. 

Madie and Marielle 

(Concrete we poured when all seven children were living at home with each child's hand prints, now border Madie's garden.)

Continuing....

 It would be a few months before something grabbed my attention again.

I took a trip in late Feb. to Washington State visiting Lake Quinault with Tara Mereth, Debbie Hodgkin and Lori Rogers. I got a surprise photo as I was learning how to use my new ipod that felt like a"Madie Hello" sunbeams streaming into rainbows!

When I returned home springtime was erupting with the azaleas opening up.

They were a sea of white flowers, just the beginning of the white spectacle that I would notice as springtime blossomed.

  Soon the amarillys' pink and red showered beauty on my eyes that were stained with a constant flow of tears. I knew something special was happening, like a finely tuned orchestra,flower replacing flower for a constant display of beauty.

As springtime unfolded nature smiled on our garden, as Larry grieved in privacy while laboring there.  

Then some unexplained blooming occurred.

 A white calla lily that 

hasn't bloomed in at 

least 20 years, decided 

to bloom this spring.

 A few days later the first rose buds on Madie's bush were opening, and the first two roses of spring gave me an unexplainable surprise... the timing on this miracle occurred when I was at one of my lowest points. Having just heard about the Boston bombings, with an all too clear understanding of the horror of so many people's lives which were instantly changed. My already difficult morning took a turn for the worse and I pleaded with Heavenly Father to send all the help he could spare. Was I ever surprised as I looked upon this miracle! I thought I was imagining things at first, that out of nowhere this white rose had appeared, and I knew my prayers were heard, and He knew my sorrow.

I then became more involved with our gardens getting out of the house and purchasing some annuals to add some color.

    I found and enjoyed some new flowers that I added to our garden,

only to be surprised by this lone white flower that bloomed on the same plant weeks later.

 I started conceptualizing some healing areas. Marielle and I began a "Madie's last journey"

garden by our  front door, a way to bond and heal a little together. 

Larry and I brought back things from the crash site, that we added to this garden.

 I have discovered that grieving is a very personal, often lonely journey as each individual finds their way through the maze.  It is rare that any of us are in the same place emotionally at the same time.  It is part of the confusing aspect for me that I have come to accept.

 I mentioned to Larry after Madie died that this year I wanted beauty in my garden over vegetables and herbs that had been the priority over the past several years. I'd like to think Madie heard...

or at least someone heard because this bush hasn't ever bloomed like this before...

   

 Sometimes when I write, I feel additional healing as I recall and work through my latest struggles.  Today it was good to remember the miracles that have happened in my gardens this year, and the healing of new life around me.  Even so, as often happens I dropped some serious tears as I came across things in Madie's phone that were her last texts, and her last video singing in the car with Taylor and Bailee. her final good byes, were full of life, happiness, beauty and joy. I am grateful for the extraordinary beauty to offset the absence of happiness and joy that I daily strive to recover as I continue on my path of healing...

A path that often leads through my garden, mindlessly walking, looking for comfort and strength...

 realizing she is walking on a new path,

and somehow miraculously, I have this picture that gives me a visual of her leaving, entering a new garden, since there were no goodbyes....