Wandering

As I have navigated through the past six months I find a sense of wandering in and out of different things, events, experiences.  I know from my past journeys through grief that I must keep going, looking for something to keep me upright.   I think it's similar to being in a maze, looking for a way out, trying lots of different routes only to find another dead end or stopping point for awhile..
 May became a month to endure with a few scattered bright spots, but so much tension because of not knowing how so many different events would effect me.  I  believe "the firsts" are tricky  because there is an underlying nervousness about what it will feel like to go through each event without Madie.  I have often been sideswiped with unexpected emotions when I thought something wouldn't be that hard.
  As I reflected on all of the firsts that have happened, I have discovered a pattern for me.  The days leading up to the event have been much worse than the actual day, with the exception of Madie's birthday.  That whole weekend was privately excruciating.  Partly because I held so many mixed emotions inside for the benefit of my children,  partly because I didn't know how to celebrate her birth with her now gone..  I found myself wanting to either cry hysterically or scream much of the weekend.  I have an idea of what hell feels like, and I bottled it up nicely over her birthday weekend.
  To be in June is a bit of a relief, and even though my birthday comes right after a" BIG" month of events, this birthday was nice. 

Marielle and MarShae sang Happy birthday at midnight baring a wonderful gift from Rachelle 

 I think because I didn't have expectations, and just wanted to get another "first" over with, I was pleasantly surprised.

 So much love was shown to me that wasn't expected that I felt renewed, and hopeful that maybe a new corner was in sight. 
 MarShae's Surprise video for my birthday..How could I not feel grateful with so many tender & thoughtful expressions of love.

 I chatted with a special friend last night who lost her daughter 16 years ago, and she told me that during the first year you are living in a state of  anxiety leading up to each new thing.  I replied  "well that explains my entire month of May, and actually the past six months!"  I continue to hope that the worst is behind me, but I have learned not to get too comfortable in the good moments.  It is easier to just accept the roller coaster ride than to find myself resisting or shocked when I am pulverized again.  My experience has taught me that grief is long, hard and ugly, but also refining...

 It's helpful recalling the early moments after I received news of the accident.  I was hysterically crying and then was handed a phone that Taylor was on.   A peace came over me, and I found myself saying words that weren't mine.  He didn't know that Madie had died and through barely a whisper, insisted  that I tell him what had happened to her.  I wanted to shelter him.. protect him.  He would be going in for surgery soon, but he was adamant.  Somehow I told him Madie was gone, and he started crying saying it was all his fault.  I remember stating  "she could have been saved, walked away, if that was the Lord's plan, and I didn't want to  hear him say that again".  The words calmly coming out of my  mouth.  They were from a higher source.  I had been hysterically crying moments before. The contrast was stark. I still recall with clarity how odd it was to go from one extreme to the other and know exactly what to say.  It was mothering at it's finest,  something beyond my capacity.

 I have repeatedly felt that Heaven is near.  I have had many remarkable, extraordinary occurrences that testify of the love of my Heavenly Father, and his son Jesus Christ.  I have never heard so clearly the spirit's voice,  or seen my despair answered by another, who felt prompted to call, text, drop by, send a message at the most needed of times.  I've found as time has past, it is important for me to recall these experiences.  As the reality of physically being without Madie has become more and more real, my faith has suffered,  my heart has ached, the passage of time has been brutal.. 

It has taken time and resilient searching, to see that this was the Lord's plan. I'm a bit stubborn and have needed witnesses repeatedly to help me not give up and just crawl in a hole and shrink.  The evidences have come in so many different ways and places, often finding a new one when my faith has faltered, again.  I have seen rainbows, that only Madie would know would be a significant  message to me.
This street sign at the hospital in Las Vegas.

I thought I was hallucinating when I looked up and saw this.

 Unexpected white flowers, 

unexplainable notes in Madie's journals. 
                     A beautiful sunset the night Madie died.

  Others also had what seemed to be insignificant experiences, several before the accident, that when brought together have helped me see that Madie was taken, she was needed...

There is still the natural me the person who is having a physical experience, and misses everything about Madeline.  It seems like there is always something reminding me of what I have lost, what is gone and will never be again in my lifetime.
  I am always looking for something to help me get through another day, the 10 pounds I have gained are evidence of that  :)  
 Over the last few days I decided to try an experiment.  I decided to pray  that I can find gratitude for Madie's death.  We are told to express thanks in "all things" not some things, not the good things, but all things. (1 Thessalonians 5 16-18)  Even so, I didn't begin to know how to do this.  It is beyond my mother heart, the words  seemed to get choked up in my throat.  After feeling unsuccessful , I decided I could pray to be shown or taught how to be grateful for this journey of losing my sweet girl.   It's a starting point, and I can exercise faith that he can help me, even if it takes a long time. 
As I have done this a few things have come to mind that I am grateful for. I am thankful to know where she is, to know she won't have to experience any of the pain, heartache and grief that life can bring, and that she died having turned her heart and will over to her Heavenly Father.  Her journals are a priceless treasure; sacred.

 I am also grateful that as we visited the accident site that I felt an unexpected peace there. 

 I knew I was standing on holy ground, that heaven touched earth there, and that far too many coincidences lined up for this to be a fluke, a time that God  had his back turned, a "wrong place, wrong time" occurrence. I came to know that instead of an accident a "crash" occurred..  

The crash happened in a place that Madie had never been to in her life, and yet her paternal grandfather was born only a mile away.  Her great-great uncle's barn could be seen from the crash site. (see the bronze building on the far left in photo above)  We were less than 15 minutes away from Zion's National Park, where Larry and I went on one of our first dates.

It is where he held my hand for the first time. It was where we began.  

Her body was taken to Kanab Utah, where  both of her paternal grandparents had been buried less than 2 years prior to this. The mortician that handled her body knew Larry's relatives. Larry had met him when he went out for his parents burials.  Larry's cousin lived across the street and Bailee was given a priesthood blessing by this cousin's husband even though they didn't know who Bailee was at the time. 
 I have slowly come to realize that instead of all the things that many of us didn't do, (plane tickets that weren't bought, phone calls that were delayed,  cell phones turned off)  things we so wished we would have done, that possibly everything lined up exactly correctly!  As impossible as it is to accept,  the evidence points me in this direction.
 I must have needed the experience of being blindsided,  maybe because there is more for me to learn about faith and acceptance. Hopefully the passage of time will bring clarity to me.

 While writing today, I've felt confirmation again that this is my journey, and part of what I need to experience.  As much as I hate it, I need to work on changing my attitude and see it as an opportunity for growth.  Realizing that each time I falter, and get up again, I am learning, being stretched.  If I choose to, I can become more aligned with my Heavenly Father's will.   To become submissive and childlike.  So difficult to do.
Wandering.  
          Where will this lead?
                                          Who knows?
                            Maybe we're all wanderers, but I believe we have more help than we realize. 
I love this quote from a conference talk by Richard G. Scott from April 2012.  

Another example of revelation is this guidance given to President Joseph F. Smith: “I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves."