Mirrors... Reflections... Moving forward...

One of the most difficult aspects for me as a mother is vacillating between the past and the present.  There is an internal conflict that often plagues me that I am leaving Madie behind if I am living in the present. I struggle that she will be forgotten and that I am abandoning her. It is very real, and ongoing. The problem is that when I am stuck in the past, then I am not really present for my family and others.
I have spent  much of the last two weeks buried in the past.

What started out as a photo collage that my children made for me as a gift on Mother's Day,

     turned into a very late night of going through old photos.

  Envelopes full of pictures were all over the game room floor with favorites my children had pulled out as they were deciding which ones should be included.  Initially my goal was to clean up the mess but soon found myself regressing somewhere in time.

 I finally forced myself to go to bed at about 4:a.m. with an idea formulating to do blog posts for my two children's birthdays in the upcoming week.  It soon became apparent that this was way more involved than I could have imagined.  I was completely fixated on this project.  Somehow creating this was bringing a sense of order to at least one part of my life... the pictures, the memories...something there had never been the time or desire to organize, even if it was just a few of them.  So many needed editing, another new skill I muddled through learning.
As I engrossed myself in selecting photos,  then editing, (we were not skilled film photographers) I found myself regressing into each time period.   I felt completely detached much of the week, wandering in a sea of memories.  My family was sure they had completely lost me to the computer.  I was obsessed. I wanted Madie's to be perfect, a place I could escape to when I need to immerse myself in her life, her words.  I worked nonstop for days on end.  Pictures took on new meaning.  Her words, brought to life...

 I vividly recall her frantically working on this project exactly a year ago, so she could enjoy her birthday weekend. The project was due the day after her birthday. Madie, Sawyer and I worked on her "ABC" book until midnight Friday night. The book is now a personal treasure because I remember with clarity her choosing each picture, deciding on an adjective to go with each photo and then a sentence to describe the picture using the word. I remember she was exhausted, and  was hurriedly writing out each sentence in her own handwriting. At the time I was wishing she had taken more time to neatly write each sentence, but now I am so grateful because it is so her...
 She wasn't known for her handwriting legibility. We finally finished all 26 letters with pages. Somewhere during her birthday weekend she wrote the other part of the assignment, her adaptation of Walt Whitman's "There was a Child went forth"

If the birthday's hadn't been a priority, I would have been writing.  Often I would wake up and lie in bed, with so many thoughts running through my brain. realizing  that I would have to put it off until I got through Madie's birthday and then Ryan's a few days later.
 To find myself going through pictures exactly a year later, searching for photos to bring to life her version of "There was a child went forth"  has been rather bizarre. I discovered little fragments of my heart healing as I brought Madie's words to life through photos.
The next morning I wrapped my head around creating one for Ryan as well. It seemed like the right thing to do. He loved it and  I had accomplished this monumental task.

 I woke up this morning ready to be in the present again.

Larry and I went for our first attempt at running to prepare for the 5 K run that RoseRunners is starting to conceptualize over Thanksgiving to memorialize Madie's death. 

It felt invigorating, much better than I had invisioned. 

We ran/walked at Ehrhardt Elementary School where our family spent a summer running in 2009.  It was when I discovered I could start slowly and run again, even though I hadn't ran in years. That year Madie and I became health gurus, running, walking, working out at the gym, yoga and of course, green smoothies.

 She was my partner, and when she died I found I couldn't even choke down a smoothie... it would get stuck in my throat.  I felt abandoned, left behind, even though I knew she would want me to stay strong, I couldn't.  It was too painful, I felt broken.. 

 Unfortunately I find myself again this afternoon, alone, understanding that for the most part, I am all over the place emotionally.  Vacillating hour by hour.  It is one of the hardest aspects of my life right now.  I never know how I will be doing.  This can become very frustrating and exhausting.  I went from a high this morning to a low this afternoon.  I would have thought that the roller coaster of emotions would have calmed down by now,  but I am realizing that grief is a much longer process than I want it to be.  I often have pep talks with myself  saying, "quality of  life is determined by your choices.  How you deal with this, is the only thing you have control of."  Oh how I wish I felt more stability, but the truth is, most of the time I don't.  
 I learned a long time ago that I can do hard things, I just didn't know life could feel this hard, or that something so unexpected could now be the reality that is constantly on my mind   I have hope that if I keep pushing myself along that in time it will get better, and things will level out,  I just wish hundreds of times every day that this wasn't my new reality...

Excerpt from Madie's gratitude journal from last years..

  Joe, Marielle, MarShae, Madeline, Gabe, Sawyer & Mikella

Madie's ABC Book