Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny

                                                                                      C. S. Lewis.   

Looking for the light, when shadows fill our lives

Marielle braving her new life with playfulness, as innocence was shattered

Larry and I back where we began... Hiking in Zion's National park minutes away from the crash site where we held hands for the first time 33 years ago... April 24,2013

April 15, 2013
I woke up this morning unable to really face another day, knowing the rest of my life I would wake up to the same thoughts coursing through my brain, Madie is dead...

 Since I also had taxes unfinished, a messy house, and an ongoing headache, it made it hard to face the day. It was one of the hardest I have faced... 
Knowing that I had nothing that motivated me to put one foot in front of the other, except the dreaded taxes that were still unfinished.. I pushed myself to the computer, listened to a conference talk, prayed extensively, wrote in my journal, worked on taxes, and still just wanted to throw in the towel. If it hadn't been for the events that I later found out about, I wouldn't be writing tonight, I wanted to keep these thoughts private, and yet I felt that left unsaid, means they don't exist. 
When tragedy happens we all want to see the family is doing well, that they are doing normal things...that they are going to be fine. The truth is it seems to only get harder with the passage of time. I am not looking for sympathy or pity quit the contrary, just documenting parts of my journey through this.
I have been very close to two friends who lost children, and I remember that my life continued on. I supported them, but also I had a full plate, lots of children, activities, very busy days. Now I know the emptiness of trying to find passion for something. I find many band aides that help for awhile. The truth is there really is " A grief that can't be spoken, and the pain goes on and on"... More than great lyrics.. truth. To be on the other side, with wisdom of both sides is a very interesting perspective.
As I learned of this second tragedy in two days, somewhere inside of me I felt this horrible sadness. I knew family's lives were forever altered, forever changed...that a redo of the day would be their greatest desire...I don't understand the whys of tragedies, I do understand that there is the strangest disconnect from who you used to be... It is as though I am a hollow shell trying to find anything to grasp on to, to give me a smile or reason to keep trudging along, with emotions that are like a wave, up and down.....

Then something happens...

 I walk outside and find a white rose that appeared out of nowhere on Madie's rose bush, and I know that my desperate pleas that I felt went unnoticed were heard. That the floodgates of tears from the past four days, were recognized and that as hard as it is each time I hit bottom, if I show patience and the smallest amount of faith, the darkness and gloom are somehow replaced for awhile until the next wave hits....