I can say that this week has been decidedly better, seriously so much better. There have been moments this week when I have thought a bit too long about something involving Madie and felt the tears coming up, feeling the heaviness and sadness emerging, but in those moments I have focused that energy elsewhere.
Sometimes just on gratitude for even having this information, and how to apply it. I am grateful for the simplicity of it. I always felt that controlling our thoughts is part of the natural man, and learning to rise above our inner conflicts. I've believed for years in affirmations and the power they have, but didn't understand how quickly great positive thinking in a different part of my day could go down the toilet in about a minute. One thing that I need to reiterate, is that each 17 seconds in a row that we focus on a thought the emotional shift is exponential. Imagine in the beginning it is like a cool breeze blowing then as you go into the second 17 seconds it becomes a full windstorm, followed by a tornado in the third 17 seconds. It shows how little time we have to redirect.
Today MarShae performed Gloria from "Lamb of God" by Rob Gardner and I accompanied her on the piano. We arrived early so that we would have time to rehearse it before our meetings started. I like to practice on a piano that I will be performing on. It gives me some security that I won't have any surprises. We arrived 25 minutes early and discovered there was a choir rehearsal going on in the chapel where we would be performing. This didn't help my apprehension. The choir finished about 10 minutes before our services were supposed to start. We quickly had a shaky run through and I was not feeling good about how it went.
I realized I could completely psych myself out or try channeling my thoughts. I had spent about 6 hours on Saturday practicing plus quit a bit of time over the past week, and I was frustrated for a bit, then told myself to redirect.
I spent the next while envisioning help and love coming through the music. I asked Madie to help, since she knows how much I have to work to learn music to accompany. I didn't think too much about times I have accompanied her. I knew I needed to keep myself in a good frame of mind. I spent about 20 minutes imagining the beautiful angelic music we were sharing that day. I envisioned things going well. I reverted my thoughts whenever I became worried. I am grateful to have seen that it not only helped with the song, but also realizing the power that comes from my Savior Jesus Christ. As I focused on the beauty of the song, I was filled with a calming of my nerves and apprehension about limited practice time on the piano at the church, and focused on the people that were there and sharing this beautiful song with them. It helped! MarShae was amazing, It went very well.
Sometimes just on gratitude for even having this information, and how to apply it. I am grateful for the simplicity of it. I always felt that controlling our thoughts is part of the natural man, and learning to rise above our inner conflicts. I've believed for years in affirmations and the power they have, but didn't understand how quickly great positive thinking in a different part of my day could go down the toilet in about a minute. One thing that I need to reiterate, is that each 17 seconds in a row that we focus on a thought the emotional shift is exponential. Imagine in the beginning it is like a cool breeze blowing then as you go into the second 17 seconds it becomes a full windstorm, followed by a tornado in the third 17 seconds. It shows how little time we have to redirect.
Today MarShae performed Gloria from "Lamb of God" by Rob Gardner and I accompanied her on the piano. We arrived early so that we would have time to rehearse it before our meetings started. I like to practice on a piano that I will be performing on. It gives me some security that I won't have any surprises. We arrived 25 minutes early and discovered there was a choir rehearsal going on in the chapel where we would be performing. This didn't help my apprehension. The choir finished about 10 minutes before our services were supposed to start. We quickly had a shaky run through and I was not feeling good about how it went.
I realized I could completely psych myself out or try channeling my thoughts. I had spent about 6 hours on Saturday practicing plus quit a bit of time over the past week, and I was frustrated for a bit, then told myself to redirect.
I spent the next while envisioning help and love coming through the music. I asked Madie to help, since she knows how much I have to work to learn music to accompany. I didn't think too much about times I have accompanied her. I knew I needed to keep myself in a good frame of mind. I spent about 20 minutes imagining the beautiful angelic music we were sharing that day. I envisioned things going well. I reverted my thoughts whenever I became worried. I am grateful to have seen that it not only helped with the song, but also realizing the power that comes from my Savior Jesus Christ. As I focused on the beauty of the song, I was filled with a calming of my nerves and apprehension about limited practice time on the piano at the church, and focused on the people that were there and sharing this beautiful song with them. It helped! MarShae was amazing, It went very well.
Tonight is our annual Youth Christmas Fireside. I know that it could be easy to recall how much I loved Madie singing in this annual tradition. Our family has had youth participating in this since the year Madie was born. I remember her conducting the choir her junior year, and how much she practiced, because she worried she would mess up. I remember her singing a duet when she was about 12 or 13 with an older girl, and accompanying the two of them. These memories surfaced as I started thinking about going tonight. It's challenging to remember and focus on the good memories, without letting that go to what is now gone and won't be again in my life time. Sometimes the feelings come up of just what isn't anymore. It's in those moments I decide what to do, and can tell I have to react quickly or just allow the grief to wash over me, again choices.
I am so grateful that I had my light bulb moment last Monday, and that I feel empowered with tools to navigate through the holidays. I am grateful that my attitude about the holidays has changed. I am grateful that my prayers last Sunday were heard, when I asked for inspiration to have a gift that was meaningful that I could give this holiday. I am grateful to have others who are doing the 17 second challenge with me. It has helped me to know others are also experimenting with this.
The rest of the story...
I just returned from the Christmas youth concert and it was amazing. I loved it and worked hard to keep my thoughts focused. The hardest personally was remembering madie singing and the way she lite up like an angel. For those of you who ever saw her sing in anything, you know what I am talking about. She told me once that it was really hard for her to sing without smiling, and so she always sang with her amazing smile. I remembered how often after a choir concert or performance I would have someone come up and tell me they couldn't keep their eyes off of her because she radiated joy when she sang.
These were the memories that I choked up over, so maybe I am due for a good cry before I go to sleep, knowing that I can restart in the morning with positive grateful thoughts as I wake up.
(For any who may want to watch Madie sing in a video I included her last selfie video in this recent blog post at the end of it.)
http://madelineroseoftexas.blogspot.com/2013/12/dec-6-blessing-of-madies-phone-video-of.html
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