Dec 6, The blessing of Madie's phone- video of her singing "What it Means to be a Friend"

For anyone who knew Madie very well, they would  know that she didn't have a cell phone until July of 2011.  The deal was, I didn't want my kids to become too immersed in texting, and social media.  I wanted them to learn how to talk to their peers. I remember her begging me for a phone all through junior high and I kept saying no. She eventually accepted it wouldn't happen until she was 18 and was fine with that. She could see it kept her focused on her studies, but she also said it affected her social life considerably.  

Then one day it happened...Because she had worked so hard the first three years of high school  I surprised her and we went and picked out a phone before she went to Especially for Youth during the summer before her senior year.  She was so excited to finally have a cell phone with her own phone number.  

It was the beginning of her dating gone crazy!

We would sneak away for walks and she would tell me all the things happening in her life.

 She was new to the whole texting world that her friends were so advanced in

 so she sought advice on many of the texts  

 (especially from boys), 

wondering what I thought would be a good way to respond.  

  We were friends.

  As her senior year started, my mother passed away unexpectedly, which put me into a daze as I had just lost my father four months earlier. Madie had early release from school, and so I often picked her up and we would go the the gym together to work out. 

When she needed a break from her studies we would go on ridiculously late night walks.I am so grateful for all those times she sought advice trying to prepare herself for leaving home. We talked about everything, which leaves me with little regrets, but also such a hole in my heart, she had become my closest friend. 

 She confided so many of her inner feelings.

 She also listened to me as I talked about my mother, and how hard it was to have her gone. 

 I've discovered that it's hard for my children to hear me talk about Madie so obsessively, so writing has become an outlet.  It has been a great place to go, because I never feel like I am burdening someone with my obsessions over missing her, or making them feel unimportant..

A bit of history

 Madie had  focused on getting excellent grades to reach her goal to attend BYU. 

Found this in Madie's phone

 Her ACT scores were low so I took her to a tutor several times a week to help with the reading aspects of the ACT.  We finally realized that she had a reading processing issue, and she would only be able to complete half of the reading and would need to bubble in the rest.  It took a lot of the pressure off of her to understand, why it was so stressful when she took tests, and gave her a game plan.  With that plan she scored a 27 on the ACT, with a class rank of 21 and other great qualities she was accepted into BYU.  

Oh the celebrating we did the day she was accepted! 

She was so excited!

 Had I only known, 

and yet I feel like a part of me did. 

Those who were close to me over the last 10 months Madie lived at home have talked with me about the struggles I had with her going away to college.  I thought it was because I had just lost both of my parents and the thought of her leaving overwhelmed my heart.  But as I have searched my soul, I believe I have always known on a subconscious level something was going to happen to her. 

 I remember telling Madie's boyfriend Sawyer

 that it would be easier for me to let MarShae go away to BYU then Madie. 

 I even told MarShae!

 This doesn't make any sense, and yet it was how I felt.

I was super protective of her.

  Madie had a naive innocence about her.

 I often worried that something might happen to her. 

She had some blonde moments...

 I rented a bike for her after she got up to BYU and she told me to cancel it.  She said she was too afraid that something might happen, or she might get in an accident.  She told me she wouldn't ride it and she didn't want one. She had written things in her journal that lead me to believe on some level she knew too. 

The last thing she asked Taylor and Bailee,  was what would be the safest way for her to sleep, with her seat belt off and laying down, or belted in but leaning against the window.  They advised the seat belt on...

 I remember her asking me on trips the very same question. 

 It  makes me wonder, 

"Did she know, somewhere inside?"

I have read a wonderful book called "Trailing Clouds of Glory" and while reading this I have come to believe that both of us knew.  It has become my favorite book I have read since Madie died.

While this makes it easier to accept on some levels,
 it is still so hard...

Last thoughts...

A few days before Madie left for  BYU,  less then a year since I had signed a 2 year contract on her cell phone, we stopped by Verizon  store to get a new case for my phone. While we were there I spontaneously felt like I should get her an Iphone and let MarShae have her phone.  Even though she was elated at the idea of the new phone she told me it wasn't necessary and she would be fine with the phone she had.  We left but over the next 24 hours I felt like I was suppose to do this, so we went back and got her the Iphone.  She loved it and it helped her to organize herself, something she had always struggled with.  

What I couldn't have realized was the gift was for me.  

Since she was in a long distance relationship she took pictures and videos of so many things to share with Sawyer.  I also have a history of so much of the last 5 months of her life.  

I came across this picture today from her phone and was grateful to read this little clue she left for me and any one else who misses her deeply.

Last of all I wanted to share a video of a song Madie was working on with Bailee .