There is something about feeling stuck in a black and white film as life moves forward in
color...It is a swirling of color and events, and I find myself wondering how
to be able to catch the ride, when I'm not sure what my mode of transportation
could be, or if I am even ready to embrace the journey.
Such a tug of emotions, and feelings... the past seems safe, the future seems blurry at best, the present... one breath at a time. Enjoying any reprieve from the weight of the moment... today was another shifting of energy as I felt renewed as the day progressed, realizing that physical pain made it much harder to deal with emotional pain, and that I linked them together.
So much of our experiences are molded in the early years of our lives. I had both my mother and grandmother struggle with grief that was tied to physical pain. My mother's sisters died when she was a small girl, leaving me very influenced by the great lose both to my grandparents who lived close by and my mother. Both women suffered health challenges that resulted in pain, and a subtle depression that hovered over their lives.
I have worked very hard over the past decade to release myself from repeating their patterns, and felt like I had discovered some great tools right before Madie died.
As I experienced a headache over the weekend that finally subsided this afternoon, I realized how much harder it made dealing with grief and how it brought a depression over me that was hard to pull out of. Memories of all the previous years that a migraine had taking my life from me, also recalling my mother and grandmother react to their physical and emotional pain. Like a comfortable blanket that I had been wrapped in so many times, even though I hated the robbing of my days when it would happen. I wondered how to disassociate the grief, headache and depression that seemed so intrinsically linked together. How is it that I succumb to defeat when my head hurts, and yet others seem to carry on when in physical pain?
Again some points to ponder on... I pray for the answers to come as I find myself again looking for new ways to walk through life, trusting that there is more to life than grief and pain. That Heavenly Father is aware of me and my struggles. To trust him and accept that these experiences are to help me discover my divine nature.
Even though I don't see the end of the journey, I cling to hope that I can come out of this with a renewed desire to again participate in a world of color that is brilliant,
looking for the ray of sunshine, the promised rainbow, trusting that I will be better for having gone through this than I would have been without this most painful dark period of my life...
As the realization of our fragile existence is embedded more deeply in my soul, I recall that grief is the shadow of love, and when the day is also grey, laced with physical pain, it is so much harder to find the sliver of light beckoning hope for a bright tomorrow, and yet I must continue forward with hope...
Such a tug of emotions, and feelings... the past seems safe, the future seems blurry at best, the present... one breath at a time. Enjoying any reprieve from the weight of the moment... today was another shifting of energy as I felt renewed as the day progressed, realizing that physical pain made it much harder to deal with emotional pain, and that I linked them together.
So much of our experiences are molded in the early years of our lives. I had both my mother and grandmother struggle with grief that was tied to physical pain. My mother's sisters died when she was a small girl, leaving me very influenced by the great lose both to my grandparents who lived close by and my mother. Both women suffered health challenges that resulted in pain, and a subtle depression that hovered over their lives.
I have worked very hard over the past decade to release myself from repeating their patterns, and felt like I had discovered some great tools right before Madie died.
As I experienced a headache over the weekend that finally subsided this afternoon, I realized how much harder it made dealing with grief and how it brought a depression over me that was hard to pull out of. Memories of all the previous years that a migraine had taking my life from me, also recalling my mother and grandmother react to their physical and emotional pain. Like a comfortable blanket that I had been wrapped in so many times, even though I hated the robbing of my days when it would happen. I wondered how to disassociate the grief, headache and depression that seemed so intrinsically linked together. How is it that I succumb to defeat when my head hurts, and yet others seem to carry on when in physical pain?
Again some points to ponder on... I pray for the answers to come as I find myself again looking for new ways to walk through life, trusting that there is more to life than grief and pain. That Heavenly Father is aware of me and my struggles. To trust him and accept that these experiences are to help me discover my divine nature.
Even though I don't see the end of the journey, I cling to hope that I can come out of this with a renewed desire to again participate in a world of color that is brilliant,
looking for the ray of sunshine, the promised rainbow, trusting that I will be better for having gone through this than I would have been without this most painful dark period of my life...
As the realization of our fragile existence is embedded more deeply in my soul, I recall that grief is the shadow of love, and when the day is also grey, laced with physical pain, it is so much harder to find the sliver of light beckoning hope for a bright tomorrow, and yet I must continue forward with hope...
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