Feb 11,2013 Taking the past into
the present... This has occupied many of my thoughts over the past few days.
How do I move forward without feeling like I am leaving Madeline
Morris behind? It seems like I am bungee jumping, trying to live in
the present while my heart is very stuck in the past. As I have worked on the
concept of combining the two worlds, I have felt polarized.
How to move forward with Madie... she isn't a physical presence anymore and yet she is almost constantly in the recesses of my thinking. The battle lies between my ears...
How to honor her, and keep her a part of who I am... I did have 7 children, not 6 and I have poured my heart in different ways into each of them. My life is defined in many ways by choices to have a large family. I am who I am because of that choice. A mother, a partner with Larry and God. Bringing his spirit children to the earth.
There was a fork in the road that took me down this path instead of another to follow a career as a performer. It was a difficult choice at the time, and yet I realize that the gift of being a mother far outweighs what I left behind.
I have pondered as of late, the joy and heartache that has accompanied that decision. I feel it has given me a richness of experiences that have stretched me beyond my capacity to really grasp. Again polarized.... Joy and grief...
The fact that my path seems confusing right now should come as no surprise, and yet it does.. I long for the steady, predictable path, that doesn't vary or stray from my expectations. A path that feels safe.. but how can it feel safe when a land mine has exploded and left the terrain unrecognizable?
Again I come back to my knees... asking for comfort and guidance, when nothing carries the same weight of importance as previously.
I find myself asking the really hard questions... How do I define myself? I am a mother! Eleven pregnancies, four miscarriages, 7 children I gave birth to, 6 living, one daughter who has died...My path of life has experienced so many twists and turns, but here I stand at another fork... how to move forward???
Taking Madie forward by remembering the qualities about her that I loved and trying to implement them, it doesn't bring her back but helps me feel like I am not abandoning her. I feel like the past two months I have been existing. I am still breathing, looking for comfort and joy in the journey, since I was left to figure out how to keep putting one foot in front of the other, regardless of the lead that is in my shoes...
SO... How will I honor Madeline Rose?
I will honor Madie by remaining faithful, like a child accepting God's will in my life.
I will honor Madie by sharing my knowledge of God the Father, his son Jesus Christ and the Holy ghost who have been so ever present in my days and nights, regardless of the depth of my sorrow and pain..
I will honor Madie by loving All of God's children guilelessly, and looking for their divine nature.
I will honor Madie by showing forth charity, the pure love of Christ, and listening to the Holy Ghost's promptings of when I am falling short.
I will honor Madie by singing, even when I am too choked up to sing.
I will honor Madie by continuing to dance.
I will honor Madie by looking for something every day to be grateful for.
I will honor Madie by working hard, but also allowing myself the understanding that working hard right now is getting out of bed and living.
I will honor Madie by smelling the roses.
I will honor Madie by going to the Temple, and serving there.
I will honor Madie by loving her siblings and father better than before.
I will honor Madie by staying the course, living in the present, with whatever of her I must carry forward with me to feel okay about letting go of the past...
How to move forward with Madie... she isn't a physical presence anymore and yet she is almost constantly in the recesses of my thinking. The battle lies between my ears...
How to honor her, and keep her a part of who I am... I did have 7 children, not 6 and I have poured my heart in different ways into each of them. My life is defined in many ways by choices to have a large family. I am who I am because of that choice. A mother, a partner with Larry and God. Bringing his spirit children to the earth.
There was a fork in the road that took me down this path instead of another to follow a career as a performer. It was a difficult choice at the time, and yet I realize that the gift of being a mother far outweighs what I left behind.
I have pondered as of late, the joy and heartache that has accompanied that decision. I feel it has given me a richness of experiences that have stretched me beyond my capacity to really grasp. Again polarized.... Joy and grief...
The fact that my path seems confusing right now should come as no surprise, and yet it does.. I long for the steady, predictable path, that doesn't vary or stray from my expectations. A path that feels safe.. but how can it feel safe when a land mine has exploded and left the terrain unrecognizable?
Again I come back to my knees... asking for comfort and guidance, when nothing carries the same weight of importance as previously.
I find myself asking the really hard questions... How do I define myself? I am a mother! Eleven pregnancies, four miscarriages, 7 children I gave birth to, 6 living, one daughter who has died...My path of life has experienced so many twists and turns, but here I stand at another fork... how to move forward???
Taking Madie forward by remembering the qualities about her that I loved and trying to implement them, it doesn't bring her back but helps me feel like I am not abandoning her. I feel like the past two months I have been existing. I am still breathing, looking for comfort and joy in the journey, since I was left to figure out how to keep putting one foot in front of the other, regardless of the lead that is in my shoes...
SO... How will I honor Madeline Rose?
I will honor Madie by remaining faithful, like a child accepting God's will in my life.
I will honor Madie by sharing my knowledge of God the Father, his son Jesus Christ and the Holy ghost who have been so ever present in my days and nights, regardless of the depth of my sorrow and pain..
I will honor Madie by loving All of God's children guilelessly, and looking for their divine nature.
I will honor Madie by showing forth charity, the pure love of Christ, and listening to the Holy Ghost's promptings of when I am falling short.
I will honor Madie by singing, even when I am too choked up to sing.
I will honor Madie by continuing to dance.
I will honor Madie by looking for something every day to be grateful for.
I will honor Madie by working hard, but also allowing myself the understanding that working hard right now is getting out of bed and living.
I will honor Madie by smelling the roses.
I will honor Madie by going to the Temple, and serving there.
I will honor Madie by loving her siblings and father better than before.
I will honor Madie by staying the course, living in the present, with whatever of her I must carry forward with me to feel okay about letting go of the past...
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