So elusive as I try to gauge what 3, 6, 12 months really is... an eternity in some aspects and yet in other ways, something that feels completely blended into one breath, one heartbeat. At best it is a word to describe the ticking of my clock, something that should be rhythmic, consistent. A gauge for life moving along.
And yet it seems to be skipping ticks regularly, a constant stream of twists and turns that I am not prepared for, stopping my beating heart again.... and yet somehow it seems to adjust and continue beating..ticking... moving life along
.JPG)
to get me out of bed every morning....
The soul searching I went through as each adult child left home, and my life again faced a change, sometimes very suddenly. Oh how I wanted to rewind the clock that continued to tick.
I remember losing passion for everything when my mother died unexpectedly four months after my father died, from Alzheimer’s. Initially nothing motivated me. I found myself asking the really hard questions. What will my life start to look like as I find myself empty nested? What will I do? Will I feel important?
It was the beginning of Madie's senior year and I understood that she would also soon be moving on, far away..
Her growing up presented a life shift for me,
.JPG)
My protected little girls were growing up, the
clock seemed to be ticking faster.
Somehow in the lost days, wandering around my house looking for something to grasp to get me through this paradigm shift, I found passion in embracing the time I had left with Madie.
I will never regret the inconveniences that I went through to have that time with her.
The hours I stitched my mother's sewing skills into beautiful dresses for her to wear.
The
creating that again helped me grieve the loss of loved ones.
The many trips to the school to spend a few minutes with her at the gym in between school and rehearsals. Spending much of January helping with "Once Upon a Mattress" which became a family event.
Waiting for her to wake up from long naps after school so we could go on a very late night walk, even though I would have loved to go many hours earlier. Yes somewhere I knew that time was my enemy, and yet also my expression of love. I cried freely her senior year as I felt my hours, days and weeks with her slipping away. My deepest love for her, beckoned me to let her spend time with others while my own heart so desperately wanted to cling to her last moments at home.
I find I now have time.. so much time... Each day choices, so many possibilities, and yet I am drawn to taking time for reflection, introspection, soul searching, grieving, cherishing memories. Also realizing that as time ticks along other moments are possibly being missed with my friends and loved ones.
Time is illusive, and once gone is lost. It is also a teacher of how to embrace the time remaining, living with minimal regrets... I am grateful for lessons learned as I understand more completely the gift of time... Grateful for the time that was well spent with Madeline Morris... for the privilege of being a mother to each of my children.
Walking through time with a wonderful husband who supports me, loves me, and shares the journey. Also time spent one on one with so many precious children of God, to see the face of God in his creations...
That makes time meaningful... it is where we have the privilege to discover who we really are, brothers and sisters of a divine creator, who loved us enough to send his son, to atone and sacrifice his life, breaking the bands of death, so that time would be endless....
And yet it seems to be skipping ticks regularly, a constant stream of twists and turns that I am not prepared for, stopping my beating heart again.... and yet somehow it seems to adjust and continue beating..ticking... moving life along
I remember grieving in the past
The painting I painted after my fourth miscarriage,.JPG)
The soul searching I went through as each adult child left home, and my life again faced a change, sometimes very suddenly. Oh how I wanted to rewind the clock that continued to tick.
I remember losing passion for everything when my mother died unexpectedly four months after my father died, from Alzheimer’s. Initially nothing motivated me. I found myself asking the really hard questions. What will my life start to look like as I find myself empty nested? What will I do? Will I feel important?
It was the beginning of Madie's senior year and I understood that she would also soon be moving on, far away..
Her growing up presented a life shift for me,
.JPG)
Somehow in the lost days, wandering around my house looking for something to grasp to get me through this paradigm shift, I found passion in embracing the time I had left with Madie.
I will never regret the inconveniences that I went through to have that time with her.
The hours I stitched my mother's sewing skills into beautiful dresses for her to wear.
The many trips to the school to spend a few minutes with her at the gym in between school and rehearsals. Spending much of January helping with "Once Upon a Mattress" which became a family event.
Waiting for her to wake up from long naps after school so we could go on a very late night walk, even though I would have loved to go many hours earlier. Yes somewhere I knew that time was my enemy, and yet also my expression of love. I cried freely her senior year as I felt my hours, days and weeks with her slipping away. My deepest love for her, beckoned me to let her spend time with others while my own heart so desperately wanted to cling to her last moments at home.
I find I now have time.. so much time... Each day choices, so many possibilities, and yet I am drawn to taking time for reflection, introspection, soul searching, grieving, cherishing memories. Also realizing that as time ticks along other moments are possibly being missed with my friends and loved ones.
Time is illusive, and once gone is lost. It is also a teacher of how to embrace the time remaining, living with minimal regrets... I am grateful for lessons learned as I understand more completely the gift of time... Grateful for the time that was well spent with Madeline Morris... for the privilege of being a mother to each of my children.
Walking through time with a wonderful husband who supports me, loves me, and shares the journey. Also time spent one on one with so many precious children of God, to see the face of God in his creations...
That makes time meaningful... it is where we have the privilege to discover who we really are, brothers and sisters of a divine creator, who loved us enough to send his son, to atone and sacrifice his life, breaking the bands of death, so that time would be endless....
Feb 20, 2013
No comments:
Post a Comment