Feb 27^th 2013 

Today is just one of those days... another paradigm shift.

Understanding that life is moving along and yet I still feel as shattered as ever. I feel like there is another level of goodbye
today.
As I watch her friends lives move along, doing things that she had planned, there is a place inside of me that screams, how can this be? How do I ever find a place of wholeness again? Why does it continue to hurt so deeply, and how long must I endure this pain? 

I know that there are people everywhere struggling with different problems, it is part of life's journey. I realize I am not the first or the last to walk this path, and yet I don't know how to continue to smile and give the appropriate answers, when the truth is I have a hole inside of me that isn't going away any time soon. It cuts to my very core, and is the most terrifying experience I have ever had to wake up to day after day. 
So even though life moves along for some, I find myself very much stuck in the past today, and I can't talk myself out of it, pray it away or pretend everything is okay because quit frankly, the truth is I can't imagine life without Madeline Morris in it... it just isn't okay with me...

Feb.23,2013  Heaven touched earth today.... In our Temples we do ordinance work for people who have died such as baptisms. This morning I felt a special connection with Madeline Morris, as her sisters were baptized for several of their direct ancestors. 

I haven't ever been able to find direct ancestors. Thursday was too crazy to not see that Madie was involved as these names were discovered. 

One being a 6th great grandmother on Larry's side whose birthday is today and also shares Rachelle Morris's birthday. 

The others were from my side including a 7th great grandmother, Anne Bennett (I know straight out of "Pride and Prejudice") and her daughter's Jane Taylor and her younger sister by almost 5 yrs., Ann Taylor. Too many coincidences as I watched my girls who are almost 5 yrs. apart do these sisters. 

I was baptized for their grandmother. Larry was baptized for the 6 males that were found including Anne Bennett's father in law William Taylor. When I named Taylor, I thought it was for my great grandfather's middle name which is Taylor, I didn't know about this family back there.

When we were driving home MarShae Morris discovered in a purse that belonged to Madie, an old temple recommend of Madie's from 2011 that she had lost inside a pocket of this purse. MarShae had last minute decided to use the bag because it matched a black jacket that she was wearing. It still had things of Madie's in it. Some makeup, a pocket sized Book of Mormon that I had inscribed a message, and given Madie at the beginning of her freshman year of high school, plus this recommend. 

Yes Madie's recommend came into the temple with us... coincidence... again I think not ♥  

Feb 20,2013  Thank you to everyone, who continues to read my entries. It is usually just a thought that is resolved as I write. 

The writing process has been therapeutic for me, but sometimes has been frustrating to implement the changes that feel so important to me, as I struggle to figure out who I am. Many things inside of me changed instantly three months ago today. I am learning to be kinder to myself and allow mistakes, even though my desire is to live life better. 

Since death is a part of life, there is an innocence that is stolen when death robs you of time that you took for granted. There is a fragileness that surrounds every waking moment. Never knowing for sure what unexpected situation may arise either in myself or someone closely connected to Madeline Morris dying so unexpectedly. It is hard to relate to situations that in the past seemed important, they now seem so simplistic. 

At times I have felt like I am on a stage, trying to figure out who it is that is acting out the role that I am in. I am searching for the person that I will become, because the other one is gone...

Time illusions

Time... what is it really?  A measurement of experiences...

So elusive as I try to gauge what 3, 6, 12 months really is... an eternity in some aspects and yet in other ways, something that feels completely blended into one breath, one heartbeat.  At best it is a word to describe the ticking of my clock, something that should be rhythmic, consistent.  A gauge for life moving along. 
And yet it seems to be skipping ticks regularly, a constant stream of twists and turns that I am not prepared for, stopping my beating heart again.... and yet somehow it seems to adjust and continue beating..ticking... moving life along

        I remember grieving in the past 

The painting I painted after my fourth miscarriage,

                         to get me out of bed every morning.... 

The soul searching I went through as each adult child left home, and my life again faced a change, sometimes very suddenly. Oh how I wanted to rewind the clock that continued to tick.
I remember losing passion for everything when my mother died unexpectedly four months after my father died, from Alzheimer’s.  Initially nothing motivated me. I found myself asking the really hard questions.  What will my life start to look like as I find myself empty nested?  What will I do?  Will I feel important? 

It was the beginning of Madie's senior year and I understood that she would also soon be moving on, far away..

           
                    Her growing up presented a life shift for me,

My protected little girls were growing up, the clock seemed to be ticking faster. 
Somehow in the lost days, wandering around my house looking for something to grasp to get me through this paradigm shift, I found passion in embracing the time I had left with Madie. 
I will never regret the inconveniences that I went through to have that time with her.

The hours I stitched my mother's sewing skills into beautiful dresses for her to wear.

 The creating that again helped me grieve the loss of loved ones.

 The many trips to the school to spend a few minutes with her at the gym in between school and rehearsals. Spending much of January helping with "Once Upon a Mattress"  which became a family event.             

Waiting for her to wake up from long naps after school so we could go on a very late night walk, even though I would have loved to go many hours earlier. Yes somewhere I knew that time was my enemy, and yet also my expression of love. I cried freely her senior year as I felt my hours, days and weeks with her slipping away. My deepest love for her, beckoned me to let her spend time with others while my own heart so desperately wanted to cling to her last moments at home.

I find I now have time.. so much time... Each day choices, so many possibilities, and yet I am drawn to taking time for reflection, introspection, soul searching, grieving, cherishing memories. Also realizing that as time  ticks along other moments are possibly being missed with my friends and loved ones. 

Time is illusive, and once gone is lost. It is also a teacher of how to embrace the time remaining, living with minimal regrets... I am grateful for lessons learned as I understand more completely the gift of time... Grateful for the time that was well spent with Madeline Morris... for the privilege of being a mother to each of my children.

Walking through time with a wonderful husband who supports me, loves me, and shares the journey. Also time spent one on one with so many precious children of God, to see the face of God in his creations... 

That makes time meaningful... it is where we have the privilege to discover who we really are, brothers and sisters of a divine creator, who loved us enough to send his son, to atone and sacrifice his life, breaking the bands of death, so that time would be endless....

Feb 20, 2013 

 There is something  about feeling stuck in a black and white film as life moves forward in color...It is a swirling of color and events, and I find myself wondering how to be able to catch the ride, when I'm not sure what my mode of transportation could be, or if I am even ready to embrace the journey. 

Such a tug of emotions, and feelings... the past seems safe, the future seems blurry at best, the present... one breath at a time. Enjoying any reprieve from the weight of the moment... today was another shifting of energy as I felt renewed as the day progressed, realizing that physical pain made it much harder to deal with emotional pain, and that I linked them together. 

So much of our experiences are molded in the early years of our lives. I had both my mother and grandmother struggle with grief that was tied to physical pain. My mother's sisters died when she was a small girl, leaving me very influenced by the great lose both to my grandparents who lived close by and my mother. Both women suffered health challenges that resulted in pain, and a subtle depression that hovered over their lives.
I have worked very hard over the past decade to release myself from repeating their patterns, and felt like I had discovered some great tools right before Madie died. 

As I experienced a headache over the weekend that finally subsided this afternoon, I realized how much harder it made dealing with grief and how it brought a depression over me that was hard to pull out of. Memories of all the previous years that a migraine had taking my life from me, also recalling my mother and grandmother react to their physical and emotional pain. Like a comfortable blanket that I had been wrapped in so many times, even though I hated the robbing of my days when it would happen. I wondered how to disassociate the grief, headache and depression that seemed so intrinsically linked together. How is it that I succumb to defeat when my head hurts, and yet others seem to carry on when in physical pain?

Again some points to ponder on... I pray for the answers to come as I find myself again looking for new ways to walk through life, trusting that there is more to life than grief and pain. That Heavenly Father is aware of me and my struggles. To trust him and accept that these experiences are to help me discover my divine nature. 

Even though I don't see the end of the journey, I cling to hope that I can come out of this with a renewed desire to again participate in a world of color that is brilliant,
looking for the ray of sunshine, the promised rainbow, trusting that I will be better for having gone through this than I would have been without this most painful dark period of my life... 
As the realization of our fragile existence is embedded more deeply in my soul, I recall that grief is the shadow of love, and when the day is also grey, laced with physical pain, it is so much harder to find the sliver of light beckoning hope for a bright tomorrow, and yet I must continue forward with hope...

Feb 14,2013  Bipolar... that is a  good way to describe my experience with grieving. 

Monday and Tuesday were so incredibly hard, then the sun came out yesterday and it felt so symbolic that light had entered my heart again. I had one of the best days I have had. I even made my really healthy cookies and dinner, which for someone who hasn't hardly cooked in 2 1/2 months was crazy. 

Marielle came home from school and we were having U-verse installed which also meant we would have TV again, after many years of just movies. She later told MarShae "When I came home from school mom offered me homemade "healthy" cookies, and there was a man installing cable...what has happened?" Knowing that the day before her mother had spent the day crying she must really be confused...Yes ..THIS IS COMPLICATED!!!! 

Explaining why would take a dissertation, but this is an insight into our life. A house of individuals who can be in any place on any scale living together on any given day or hour.

I was actually happy yesterday, and yet in despair the day before.

Bipolar fits as a description.... so weird

Feb 12,2013   

There are days when what I am feeling are better left unsaid... Today would be one of those days. 
Oh how I long for the problems of old, the things that I thought rocked my world...
How I long for the tears of last years Valentines, which now seem so trite, 
Oh how I wish that every revelation that comes to me in my process of thinking were so easy to implement. 

I wish that I could see myself in 5 years and how this really was for my good, because my vision of that is very clouded.

Oh how I wish that life could be on a straighter course without the deviations of the heart,

How I wish that I wasn't acquainted with grief, that the answers of my faith made it easy to bear.

Oh how I wish that my children could have had a mother who wasn't so richly acquainted with grief.

Oh how I wish I could see clearly, the day when every tear would be wiped away, and I could see the refinement of my soul, that is a puddle of pity today.

Oh how I wish that I didn't understand this horrible heartache and pain.

I wish that it was easier to heal,

Yes I wish for many things, but I guess that would make the journey too easy...

So for now help me Lord to accept this burden as a little child, to see it as an opportunity to understand others with a kinder heart, help me to appreciate the journey....

I will honor Madie by...

Feb 11,2013   Taking the past into the present... This has occupied many of my thoughts over the past few days. How do I move forward without feeling like I am leaving Madeline Morris behind? It seems like I am bungee jumping, trying to live in the present while my heart is very stuck in the past. As I have worked on the concept of combining the two worlds, I have felt polarized.
How to move forward with Madie... she isn't a physical presence anymore and yet she is almost constantly in the recesses of my thinking. The battle lies between my ears...

How to honor her, and keep her a part of who I am... I did have 7 children, not 6 and I have poured my heart in different ways into each of them. My life is defined in many ways by choices to have a large family. I am who I am because of that choice. A mother, a partner with Larry and God. Bringing his spirit children to the earth.

There was a fork in the road that took me down this path instead of another to follow a career as a performer. It was a difficult choice at the time, and yet I realize that the gift of being a mother far outweighs what I left behind. 
I have pondered as of late, the joy and heartache that has accompanied that decision. I feel it has given me a richness of experiences that have stretched me beyond my capacity to really grasp. Again polarized.... Joy and grief...

The fact that my path seems confusing right now should come as no surprise, and yet it does.. I long for the steady, predictable path, that doesn't vary or stray from my expectations. A path that feels safe.. but how can it feel safe when a land mine has exploded and left the terrain unrecognizable? 

Again I come back to my knees... asking for comfort and guidance, when nothing carries the same weight of importance as previously.
I find myself asking the really hard questions... How do I define myself? I am a mother! Eleven pregnancies, four miscarriages, 7 children I gave birth to, 6 living, one daughter who has died...My path of life has experienced so many twists and turns, but here I stand at another fork... how to move forward???

Taking Madie forward by remembering the qualities about her that I loved and trying to implement them, it doesn't bring her back but helps me feel like I am not abandoning her. I feel like the past two months I have been existing. I am still breathing, looking for comfort and joy in the journey, since I was left to figure out how to keep putting one foot in front of the other, regardless of the lead that is in my shoes... 

SO... How will I honor Madeline Rose?

I will honor Madie by remaining faithful, like a child accepting God's will in my life. 
I will honor Madie by sharing my knowledge of God the Father, his son Jesus Christ and the Holy ghost who have been so ever present in my days and nights, regardless of the depth of my sorrow and pain..
I will honor Madie by loving All of God's children guilelessly, and looking for their divine nature.
I will honor Madie by showing forth charity, the pure love of Christ, and listening to the Holy Ghost's promptings of when I am falling short.
I will honor Madie by singing, even when I am too choked up to sing.
I will honor Madie by continuing to dance.
I will honor Madie by looking for something every day to be grateful for.
I will honor Madie by working hard, but also allowing myself the understanding that working hard right now is getting out of bed and living.
I will honor Madie by smelling the roses.
I will honor Madie by going to the Temple, and serving there.
I will honor Madie by loving her siblings and father better than before.
I will honor Madie by staying the course, living in the present, with whatever of her I must carry forward with me to feel okay about letting go of the past... 

Feb 7,2013 

  Life is calming down for the first time since the accident... I am not sure what to think but I did take a very long nap today. 

I have enjoyed so many wonderful chats/visits with old friends, family and new acquaintances. I can't begin to express gratitude for the love that has been shown to our family in so many numerous ways. It helps lighten the load, that is ever present and feels so heavy. 

I never knew that life could seem so undirectional (the opposite of 1D :) ) Not sure what to do or where to go. Each day I just see where the day takes me and give myself space to not do anything that I don't feel like doing. I have so many things I need to do, or want to do, or desire to see done. 

I realize the one thing I have is time. Madie's time is gone, but I am left with trying to figure out how to fill my time. I would be kidding myself if I said, it doesn't seem like it will be forever until I am with her again, but I am grateful for little things that make her not seem so completely gone, coincidences that are just too perfect not to acknowledge that a loving Heavenly Father is trying to let me know, he knows I am in a constant struggle with Madeline Morris leaving our lives so unexpectedly.

The musical being over leaves me feeling somewhat alone... I can truly say that it was nothing short of a miracle to have this parallel our live, with so much meaning that was applicable to our situation. How to have hope and rebuild when your dreams or wishes are shattered. MarShae Morris seems to naturally embody the spirit of hope. She had a personal witness the day of the accident to know that Madie didn't leave early. I loved watching her share the message of hope, that we are never alone. I will always love and cherish this journey "Into the Woods" With my heart full of grief; I was nurtured by my sweet daughter's courage to offer my broken heart hope. 

I can hope for a bright tomorrow without denying the darkness of today. I can keep my faith in Heavenly Father, hoping for a happier future, while allowing myself to grieve in the present.

Oh how I wish that the lessons of life, that teach us the most didn't come with such a tremendous price tag, but grief is the natural byproduct of love.