My Christmas thoughts, Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!
It's been three years ago that we finally took our family's picture in front of this big santa that has been a part of our street for about the last 15  years. 

I have pondered recently on the miracles that I have witnessed this past year.  There have been many.

It's important for me to recall and remember.

 Sometimes in the day to day I forget and also forget about my 17 second rule, which has given me a different set of tools to handle the depth of my lose. At times I've inwardly struggled with the whole holiday season. If I stop and remember the miracles I've witnessed this past year, my burden is lightened.  I am spiraling my intentional thinking in a positive direction which lifts my emotional well being. 17 seconds either direction is powerful, especially if you continue for 2 more consecutive 17 seconds, focusing for just over a minute. 
 As I've pondered on these miracles, I've asked myself
What does Christmas really mean to me? 
 Knowing that my Savior Jesus Christ has succored me repeatedly this year, that heaven's window has been less obscure, I can say that without Christmas and the birth, then Easter and Christ's atonement, death and resurrection, I would feel little hope in the battle I continue to struggle with of the loss of Madie.  

Because of Christ and the things I have personally witnessed,  I feel that words are inadequate to express the divinity of God and his love for me, one of his children. 

This love is universal for each of us.  He knows us, he knows our darkest moments, he knows our struggles, and he lets us grow as we process the challenges that life brings.

 I watched this video and of all that I have seen this season, this brought me so many tender feelings. 

 I have often related to Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her broken heart in losing her son.  I know that Christ sacrificed in the Garden of Gethsemane and knew already when he saw his mother while on the cross of her immense pain and heartache because he had just taken it upon himself in the garden.  

This has given me hope as I know he understands

"my broken mother heart"

  Enjoy the beauty and love found in this beautiful video. Merry Christmas!

http://www.lds.org/bible-videos/videos/the-nativity?cid=HPFR121313253&im=true&lang=eng

Lessons I am learning as I work my way through December...

I went and had my hair done today, and I was talking with Melissa who does my hair in details about the 17 second rule.  As we visited, even though she had read some of what I had written, ( I realize it is December and people have better things to do then read my blog) I told her about the application and things I was learning as I had applied it over the past 8 days.  

One thing we discussed is I've discover that in certain situations it is harder to redirect, and that is when you have to have a pre made up list of ways to do that.  I made a list in the beginning like go for a walk, or sing a song, but hadn't thought about specifies, and the wrong song could be loaded not in a good way. Some ideas that I came up with today...
 First I need a happy song, and decided on "Oh what a beautiful Morning" from Oklahoma.  Not only are the words of this song happy, but I have a personal memory of Taylor playing the role of Curly his senior year and starting the show with this song, 

Makes for a  double happy. 

 Another I thought of is remembering Rachelle playing basketball and the 3 pointers swishing.

 It would always give me such a rush when she was on her game. 

 I thought of MarShae playing Meg in "Leading Ladies last year and how funny that show was.

Rachelle hugging MarShae with Marielle in the background

Sterling and MarShae...

 I remember our surprise when she won the award of Best Actress at the Area One Act play competition. 

 I then came across a picture that Sterling had drawn of a scene straight out of our backyard about 20 years ago. 

When I saw it I just smiled.  Smiled at the memory of Sterling and Ben always doing something crazy.  
Also remembering him drawing for hours as a very little boy when I needed some quiet time. 

Another is my grandchildren and their exuberant greetings whenever we are together. 

I love watching Ryan with his children...

 This entire list is something that I can think, without getting up or going anywhere because often the memories come when I am in a group setting and it would be awkward or wrong to get up and leave.  

On another note...
I found myself crying tonight at the Temple for the first time in about a week.  It felt good to just let the tears come.  It also felt different.  I wasn't exhausted afterwards, and felt peaceful as I was coming home, my burdens felt lighter. 
 I love an example from the Book of Mormon that was shared with me tonight by our temple president. It's a story about when the brother of Jared went up into the mount and found a large rock that he then moltened into 16 smaller stones. He needed light for a barge he had been instructed to make to travel across the ocean.  He then took the small stones up into the mountain and asked the Lord to turn them into lights for their voyage. 

 I thought how sometimes in our lives we have a huge rock that we are trying to carry around with us. If we break it down into manageable parts, and then take each one to the Lord with faith that he will turn them into lights for us,  literally enlightening our minds, or lightening our burdens one little piece at a time, the burden is so much more manageable.  

I will end with a picture of Madeline in front of the Houston Temple.

I am grateful to have so many pictures of her...

Insights learned during my 17 second experiment

A tip that I realized today with the 17 second rule is that when I am in the place where I feel like the energy shifted from a nice thought to a difficult one and emotions are shifting, that it takes a very conscious deliberate shifting of thoughts, sometimes several thoughts very quickly together.  An example from last night while watching MarShae and Marielle perform with the youth from Church. 
 I thought about how fun it was to see Madie sing in a choir.  She always lit up when she was singing.  As I thought this last night at the Youth Christmas performance, and also at the Klein Choir concert during the week, I was in a situation where couldn't walk outside, or change what I was doing, and so I had to purposely direct my thoughts various places very hard for about 17 seconds.  I remember wondering if I would be able to get on top of the emotions that had come up.  I thought about how fun it was to see her sing,I also quickly thought about how much I was enjoying watching my girls and many others performing.  I thought about my gratitude for my Savior Jesus Christ, that because of his life, and most especially his death and resurrection, I will be with Madie again.  I thought about how grateful I am for the wonderful opportunities that my children get to participate in.  All of these I did in a very short period of time, and found that I was able to shift.  

Day 7 17 Second Experiment, first week recap

As the week is coming to a close I realize it was just last weekend that I was stumbling through a plethra of horrific days that led me to discover the 17 second rule. 

I can say that this week has been decidedly better, seriously so much better. There have been moments  this week when I have thought a bit too long about something  involving Madie and felt the tears coming up, feeling the heaviness and sadness emerging, but in those moments I have focused that energy elsewhere. 

Sometimes just on gratitude for even having this information, and how to apply it. I am grateful for the simplicity of it.  I always felt that controlling our thoughts is part of the natural man, and learning to rise above our inner conflicts. I've believed for years in affirmations and the power they have, but didn't understand how quickly great positive thinking in a different part of my day could go down the toilet in about a minute. One thing that I need to  reiterate, is that each 17 seconds in a row that we focus on a thought the emotional shift is exponential. Imagine in the beginning it is like a cool breeze blowing then as you go into the second 17 seconds it becomes a full windstorm, followed by a tornado in the third 17 seconds.  It shows how little time we have to redirect.

  Today MarShae performed Gloria from "Lamb of God" by Rob Gardner and  I accompanied her on the piano.  We arrived early so that we would have time to rehearse it before our meetings started.  I like to practice on a piano that I will be performing on.  It gives me some security that I won't have any surprises.  We arrived 25 minutes early  and  discovered there was a choir rehearsal going on in the chapel where we would be performing.  This didn't help my  apprehension. The choir finished about 10 minutes before our services were supposed to start.  We quickly had a shaky run through and I was not feeling good about how it went. 
I realized I could completely psych myself out or try channeling my thoughts. I had spent about 6 hours on Saturday practicing plus quit a bit of time over the past week, and I was frustrated for a bit, then told myself to redirect. 

I spent the next while envisioning help and love coming through the music.  I asked Madie to help, since she knows how much I have to work to learn music to accompany.  I didn't think too much about times I have accompanied her.  I knew I needed to keep myself in a good frame of mind.  I spent about 20 minutes imagining the beautiful angelic music we were sharing that day.  I envisioned things going well.  I reverted my thoughts whenever I became worried.  I am grateful to have seen that it not only helped with the song, but also realizing the power that comes from my Savior Jesus Christ.  As I focused on the beauty of the song, I was filled with a calming of my nerves and apprehension about limited practice time on the piano at the church, and focused on the people that were there and sharing this beautiful song with them.  It helped!  MarShae was amazing, It went very well.

 Tonight is our annual Youth Christmas Fireside.  I know that it could be easy to recall how much I loved Madie singing in this annual tradition. Our family has had youth participating in this since the year Madie was born.  I remember her conducting the choir her junior year, and how much she practiced, because she worried she would mess up.  I remember her singing a duet when she was about 12 or 13 with an older girl, and accompanying the two of them. These memories surfaced as I started thinking about going tonight. It's challenging to remember and focus on the good memories, without letting that go to what is now gone and won't be again in my life time. Sometimes the feelings come up of just what isn't anymore. It's in those moments I decide what to do, and can tell I have to react quickly or just allow the grief to wash over me, again choices. 

 I am so grateful that I had my light bulb moment last Monday, and that I feel empowered with tools to navigate through the holidays.  I am grateful that my attitude about the holidays has changed.  I am grateful that my prayers last Sunday were heard, when I asked for inspiration to have a gift that was meaningful that I could give this holiday.  I am grateful to have others who are doing the 17 second challenge with me.  It has helped me to know others are also experimenting with this.

The rest of the story...

I just returned from the Christmas youth concert and it was amazing. I loved it and worked hard to keep my thoughts focused. The hardest personally was remembering madie singing and the way she lite up like an angel.  For those of you who ever saw her sing in anything, you know what I am talking about.  She told me once that it was really hard for her to sing without smiling, and so she always sang with her amazing smile.  I remembered how often after a choir concert or performance I would have someone come up and tell me they couldn't keep their eyes off of her because she radiated joy when she sang.

These were the memories that  I choked up over, so maybe I am due for a good cry before I go to sleep, knowing that I can restart in the morning with positive grateful thoughts as I wake up.

(For any who may want to watch Madie sing in a video I included her last selfie video in this recent blog post at the end of it.)

http://madelineroseoftexas.blogspot.com/2013/12/dec-6-blessing-of-madies-phone-video-of.html

Day 4 and 5 experiences with my 17 second experiment...Real time applications!

Dec 12, Day 4
I decided that I was going Christmas shopping something I didn't think 5 days ago I would do this year.

 Madie loved shopping!  

I decided to take Madie (mentally as my helper) and I went to some of her favorite shops. Treasured memories came to mind but I was very careful to stay in my happy thoughts. 

Reminiscing...
Oh how excited she was the day I bought this blouse for her!

I will never forget when she showed it to  me and told me how much she loved it. She loved the fabric because it was so soft and the detailing was exquisite!

 I told her "what the heck, go ahead and try it on."

We both loved it!

I splurged and she was beyond thrilled! 

 I am so grateful for this treasured memory with her, and this photo that Cami captured of her. 

Back to yesterday's shopping...
I decided to enjoy the moments and have fun finding things for people I love.  A dear friend met me for a few hours and we had so much fun brainstorming together.   Even so there were a few moments I had to immediately divert
 I stumbled into a Christmas gift of "coincidence" with a girl checking me out of a large transaction. As we were visiting I mentioned something about Madie and how much she loved this store. She already knew my last name and said, "I know some of your children because of mutual friends." She actually knew the person I had asked her opinion on for a gift because she looked to be about the same age, and we had a good laugh about that.   This girl, that was a complete stranger moments before told me she had been thinking about our family and praying for us. 
There are no such things as coincidences! I felt blessed!

Dec13 Day 5
I woke with a slight headache this morning and decided to list things I was grateful for and see if I could redirect my head. I thought "wow day 5 and I am getting a curveball thrown my way."   Those that know me well know that migraines, and headaches ruled many years of my life.  So when the first thought this morning was, darn my head hurts, I instantly thought redirect.  I wanted to experiment with this obstacle.  
I focused a prayer on gratitude, drank my quart of water with electrolytes (something I have found helps me) and soon was teaching my early morning piano student.  I focused on loving her, and how she has worked to overcome  many obstacles.  ( I could write a whole blog post on this little miracle girl) I found when I was finished with my lesson my head had improved but was still lingering, and decided to redirect to facebook.  As I was scrolling I came across the video that I posted below and decided to watch it.  By the time it was over I felt a joy inside and the headache had completely dissipated, gone!  
Talk about a multiplication factor on the 17 second redirect!  This was a spiral in a very positive direction.

 I reclaimed my day and I'm so grateful for the amazing redirect, that I decided to share it and write about it. 
 Watch this and enjoy another gift from me this Christmas Season. Love y'all from Texas! 
 http://chicksontheright.com/posts/item/25085-westjet-might-be-the-best-marketing-story-of-the-year

Mental Shifting... 17 second experiment

For the past several days I have been praying about what I could do that would mean something during this Christmas season because my attitude about the holidays was really pathetic.  As I was thinking and pondering on what would help me get through Christmas, and not dread this time of year, I had some profound experiences and learned some very interesting, possibly life changing things in the past several days.

I was introduced to a new concept Monday from my physiotherapist that's also a friend.   I was telling her about a few experiences from Saturday and Sunday that were like being on a roller coaster of emotions. As I explained my Saturday she said "well of course everything went downhill because of the 17 second rule." 
 What? 
I never remembered hearing this although I feel like she may have mentioned it someplace before.  Even So, before I explain it I want to share what I wrote Saturday when I was in the moment of extreme emotional upheaval.

"The day started so great in the temple with my girls and Larry, and then we got out the Christmas tree, and decorations from the attic.  I knew this needed to happen for the family but as we started setting up the Christmas tree and unpacking ornaments and decorations my head started hurting and then things seemed to spiral out of control. The memories were flooding my brain, each ornament, each decoration had a story, and in about two hours I found that I wanted to start throwing up and that I was shaking all over with a full blown headache that hadn't responded to medication.  I wanted to start screaming but held it in.  Finally I retreated to a safe place my car and everything exploded out of me. 
Crying, screaming, sobbing uncontrollably.... 
 No one prepares you for how hard this can be as my gut is turning inside out."

the 17 second rule... 
 It only takes 17 seconds to completely shift our emotions through thoughts.  In other words when we focus our thoughts on something for 17 seconds our emotions shift. This can work any direction good or bad, happy or sad. 

 It was a profound "ah ha" moment for me.  

I had floods of memories that came back from just the past several days and how I found that I shifted when I stayed in a memory or thought too long about something tied to Madie, and what isn't or won't ever be.  
 I decided to work on some genealogy after my walk in the morning when she shared these thoughts with me.  I found myself lost in the work and found a group of family members that were my husbands 3rd great grand uncles family because I had his 3rd great grandmother's name and  found all of her siblings. I then found names of some of their children and spouses.  There is still more for me to do.  I believe Madie is helping me with this for very sacred reasons that have come since she died. It is a way to feel like she is connected to me here and now.  In the past we couldn't find names and it was so frustrating.  I know that she understood this because ever time she was suppose to have a name for something for church we couldn't find anyone.  

My thoughts all day were great.  I even did things around the house, and decided to get out a few more Christmas decorations but knew not to think about memories. It ended up being one of the best days I have had in over a month.  An idea started formulating...

Experiment... 

I decided to quickly write about what happened Sunday morning as I was waking up to see how writing about it affected me. Here's what I wrote today...

" I woke up Sunday morning and had a thought about what the scene of the accident might have looked like, soon I was recalling a trip we were on when we came across an accident, a body was in the road with a white sheet over it.  Before long I was hysterically crying, with all kinds of imagined thoughts."

 I found by the time I had brought up this memory, quickly typed it out that my happiness had dropped considerably.
 I knew that I needed to immediately focus my thoughts elsewhere so I went outside, focused on the beauty of the day. I thought about the sun shining through the trees, with the contrast of the cold nippy air..

 I also texted two friends to see how they were doing. Thinking of others, and how to help is also a trick in my bag. I walked around the house and thought of happy memories of Madie. This was trickier and I had to exhibit more control here.  I found that my mood wasn't as good as it had been just ten minutes earlier, and so I decided to say and think a couple of times, 

 "I am grateful for the good times and 

memories I have with Madie" 

I am grateful for the beautiful pictures I have to remember her...

I also decided to have some fun hot chocolate while I kept working.

Being alone so much this year has probably made this much more difficult because I could go down what ever path of memories I wanted. I stated to Larry early in November I just wish it was January, I couldn't see anything but really difficult days getting through the holidays, I remembered how awful it felt last year, being around the hustle and bustle and happiness at parties, and wanting to disappear. 

 I decided to see if I can alter the rest of this month... 

the experiment is on!

One important thing I have found is being aware of the thoughts and feelings shifting as I go down a memory path. It's crazy how quickly my emotions can shift into a downward spiral.

An example from this morning... 
I woke up refreshed having had a really good nights sleep and felt fantastic.  I got on Facebook briefly and saw a picture of a friend of Madie's  saying goodbye to her brother 6 months ago when she was leaving for her mission. Her mom had posted it stating that a year from now her daughter would be home.
  At first I thought "Oh that is so cool she has been out 6 months now." Then I thought of the farewells that have been part of my life ,most especially Ryan and Taylor leaving for two years on missions, and their homecomings. But then I thought of saying goodbye to Madie and how long it will be till I can embrace her.  Soon my insides started clenching up and I immediately thought, "shift your focus, NOW!" 
 It was profound!  I discovered because I caught it quickly that I was able to divert the path that most likely would have set up the rest of my day, and not in a good way... 
As I was writing this it's been interesting to see how often I have needed to divert my attention with something positive. 
 I can see why the writing process has been helpful when I have struggled this year. As I have written seeking comfort understanding or resolve, I have gradually shifted my focus. 

I also know that each day I write, much of the day is spent focusing on the experience and then the understanding.  It has been very helpful but I'm open to change.
 another important thing  I was taught is that sleeping resets the brain better then anything else.  That means that each morning as we wake up the first thoughts that we think are so important. 
 Is it any wonder that starting the day with prayer is powerful if we remember to do it. then it occurred to me that a prayer of gratitude as my thoughts come into consciousness has been one of the best things I have done at times this year... It makes perfect sense now why that is so. 

Here's a recap...
 17 seconds is all it takes to completely change your emotions or mood. Being aware of this, we then have the ability (if we choose) to shift or divert the thought as soon as we feel the change coming, and it happens pretty quickly. 
 Have a list of ideas of ways to shift the thoughts. 

 Reach out to someone, 

Go outside and observe anything to be grateful for 

even if it's the gloomy weather that helps me appreciate the wonders of God. 

 I can be grateful for the witness of God in the constant shift of the weather, the clouds, and trees with leaves that are always different.

 Music,

 praying or meditating,

 listening to something uplifting.

  All of these shift our focus, the key is speed.  

17 seconds...

 Loved this quote posted by a friend this morning that went with my thoughts today...
"Our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward." --President Dieter F Uchtdorf

This concept took on new meaning adding 

the 17 second rule to it. 

I also like knowing that if I  go down the path of thoughts and have a rough day,

 that I get a reset every night.

 Focusing on good memories or of things I'm grateful for as I go to sleep will help start the next day.

 When we wake, regardless of what the day before was, 

our brains naturally reset us for success. 

Each day gives us the opportunity for a clean slate. 

The rest is staying outside the 17 seconds of destructive thoughts, knowing that 17 seconds of positive thoughts also has a very strong impact, and can exponentially multiply as we continue down that path..

 I am committed to my experiment!

 Join me if you would like, I would love to get feedback from any who do...

Dec 6, The blessing of Madie's phone- video of her singing "What it Means to be a Friend"

For anyone who knew Madie very well, they would  know that she didn't have a cell phone until July of 2011.  The deal was, I didn't want my kids to become too immersed in texting, and social media.  I wanted them to learn how to talk to their peers. I remember her begging me for a phone all through junior high and I kept saying no. She eventually accepted it wouldn't happen until she was 18 and was fine with that. She could see it kept her focused on her studies, but she also said it affected her social life considerably.  

Then one day it happened...Because she had worked so hard the first three years of high school  I surprised her and we went and picked out a phone before she went to Especially for Youth during the summer before her senior year.  She was so excited to finally have a cell phone with her own phone number.  

It was the beginning of her dating gone crazy!

We would sneak away for walks and she would tell me all the things happening in her life.

 She was new to the whole texting world that her friends were so advanced in

 so she sought advice on many of the texts  

 (especially from boys), 

wondering what I thought would be a good way to respond.  

  We were friends.

  As her senior year started, my mother passed away unexpectedly, which put me into a daze as I had just lost my father four months earlier. Madie had early release from school, and so I often picked her up and we would go the the gym together to work out. 

When she needed a break from her studies we would go on ridiculously late night walks.I am so grateful for all those times she sought advice trying to prepare herself for leaving home. We talked about everything, which leaves me with little regrets, but also such a hole in my heart, she had become my closest friend. 

 She confided so many of her inner feelings.

 She also listened to me as I talked about my mother, and how hard it was to have her gone. 

 I've discovered that it's hard for my children to hear me talk about Madie so obsessively, so writing has become an outlet.  It has been a great place to go, because I never feel like I am burdening someone with my obsessions over missing her, or making them feel unimportant..

A bit of history

 Madie had  focused on getting excellent grades to reach her goal to attend BYU. 

Found this in Madie's phone

 Her ACT scores were low so I took her to a tutor several times a week to help with the reading aspects of the ACT.  We finally realized that she had a reading processing issue, and she would only be able to complete half of the reading and would need to bubble in the rest.  It took a lot of the pressure off of her to understand, why it was so stressful when she took tests, and gave her a game plan.  With that plan she scored a 27 on the ACT, with a class rank of 21 and other great qualities she was accepted into BYU.  

Oh the celebrating we did the day she was accepted! 

She was so excited!

 Had I only known, 

and yet I feel like a part of me did. 

Those who were close to me over the last 10 months Madie lived at home have talked with me about the struggles I had with her going away to college.  I thought it was because I had just lost both of my parents and the thought of her leaving overwhelmed my heart.  But as I have searched my soul, I believe I have always known on a subconscious level something was going to happen to her. 

 I remember telling Madie's boyfriend Sawyer

 that it would be easier for me to let MarShae go away to BYU then Madie. 

 I even told MarShae!

 This doesn't make any sense, and yet it was how I felt.

I was super protective of her.

  Madie had a naive innocence about her.

 I often worried that something might happen to her. 

She had some blonde moments...

 I rented a bike for her after she got up to BYU and she told me to cancel it.  She said she was too afraid that something might happen, or she might get in an accident.  She told me she wouldn't ride it and she didn't want one. She had written things in her journal that lead me to believe on some level she knew too. 

The last thing she asked Taylor and Bailee,  was what would be the safest way for her to sleep, with her seat belt off and laying down, or belted in but leaning against the window.  They advised the seat belt on...

 I remember her asking me on trips the very same question. 

 It  makes me wonder, 

"Did she know, somewhere inside?"

I have read a wonderful book called "Trailing Clouds of Glory" and while reading this I have come to believe that both of us knew.  It has become my favorite book I have read since Madie died.

While this makes it easier to accept on some levels,
 it is still so hard...

Last thoughts...

A few days before Madie left for  BYU,  less then a year since I had signed a 2 year contract on her cell phone, we stopped by Verizon  store to get a new case for my phone. While we were there I spontaneously felt like I should get her an Iphone and let MarShae have her phone.  Even though she was elated at the idea of the new phone she told me it wasn't necessary and she would be fine with the phone she had.  We left but over the next 24 hours I felt like I was suppose to do this, so we went back and got her the Iphone.  She loved it and it helped her to organize herself, something she had always struggled with.  

What I couldn't have realized was the gift was for me.  

Since she was in a long distance relationship she took pictures and videos of so many things to share with Sawyer.  I also have a history of so much of the last 5 months of her life.  

I came across this picture today from her phone and was grateful to read this little clue she left for me and any one else who misses her deeply.

Last of all I wanted to share a video of a song Madie was working on with Bailee .

Dec 3 When Heaven feels close

Some days try as I might, the grief comes in like a shadow, and covers my being.  Sometimes it is because I haven't any direction for the day.  Occasionally it's because the things I have planned fall through and I find myself in solitary moments... and yet  knowing it is in the solitude that the two sides meet. 

One of the last pictures in Madie's phone,@ BYU a few weeks before her accident.

 The memories that surface, washing my soul, tears falling from an unlimited reservoir.. meeting solace, peace, that comes from above, as Heaven witnesses it knows my thoughts, tears and feelings.....

It gets frustrating, no tiring  to have a good day, only to find a cloud hover on the following day, wondering how it can be that the good didn't last a few hours longer, the highs and lows get exhausting.

As I look around the neighborhood, seeing Christmas descending on many homes, I sometimes feel like I can do this, It could be fun..  Remembering the Christmas photo that we took now 3 years ago in front of the giant Santa that neighbors have put up for many, many years.

It was something we talked about doing for several years and finally did.

Then today I think "no, it's too much effort, for something that will be so hard." 
 I just went through a holiday, and while it was great to have the family together, it completely wore me out physically and emotionally. 
 I hate that my favorite time of year as a youth has turned into something that feels dreaded, a responsibility, something that's necessary, yet overwhelming at the same time. 

It's the hardest kind of work. 

 The overcoming of me,

 rising above my own pain to meet the needs of my family.

I am always amazed that when I am struggling there is something that comes... I was writing this blog entry when I got a message on Facebook.  I clicked over to check it and read some sweet words from a friend, who must have heard, "send JoLynn a message".  What I wasn't expecting though was that I noticed a video that had been sent by her a couple of weeks ago, and decided to watch it thinking I had seen it before, but couldn't remember what it was about. I was surprised to realize I'd never watched it. 
 It was an answer to my heart as I understood and was comforted to know again that Heaven is really close.

I knew that this was for me but also knew it went perfectly with my feelings today, and I needed to share it in this blog post that I was working on. 
  So for whoever it is that needs this today,(besides me) 
I love you, and so does our Heavenly Father.

Enduring in Faith
http://www.lds.org/prophets-and-apostles/unto-all-the-world/enduring-in-faith?lang=eng&l=fb

Dec1, 2013 A year since Madie's funeral, thoughts and feelings...

I went to visit Madie's grave today, something I haven't done for awhile.  I have found that it doesn't offer me much besides sadness.  I hate that her body is there, but that I can't see or hear her.  I talk to her plenty, but oh how I wish she would answer me back.

  We have a new missionary  serving in our area who stopped by with his companion a couple of days ago, and happened to be in Madie's ward at BYU.  He knew that I was her mother, even though I didn't know he knew anything about me. He shared with me some of his thoughts and feelings of being away at BYU when someone he knew, my Madie died. It was sweet to hear him talk about her and her roommates. I told the missionaries that their mothers would love to see what I was seeing, them out being missionaries. I felt connected to their mothers in that moment. I told them the biggest difference between what they are doing and what Madie is doing is that I can't communicate with her. I asked them to write their mothers that night the letter that I so wish Madie could write me. 

 They promised me they would.  

Today has been difficult, remembering the funeral a year ago, our final goodbyes to Madeline Rose. 

I have spent an exhausting year trying to figure out a way to connect to her. I have seen her in happenings of nature around me, but it just isn't the same.   I miss everything about her...

 She sat for hours at the computer that I spend so much time on myself.  It is so weird to think she typed on these keys, doing homework assignments, messaging friends on Facebook, etc.  I find it so weird that I can use things, see things, touch things that were a part of her life and mine, and yet she is gone.
 How do "things" out last a child?

 It is beyond me...

But since I can't get a letter from Madie I continue to write her, hoping she knows and understands my heart...

Dear Madie,

It's been a year since I said goodbye to you, lying in a casket that I hated everything about.  I still find it so hard to believe that you are gone. So strange that it's been a year without hearing your voice when I was just beginning to adjust to you being away at college when this happened.  It's beyond my ability to tolerate at times.      BUT...   
  You would be proud of me, I made Thanksgiving dinner, even though I didn't want to. We had a 5K in honor of you, even though I wanted to stay in the warmth of my bed. It was so cold Thanksgiving morning, but there were lots of people that came to support our family and remember you.. 

 I miss your laugh, the way you always played with your hair, biting your nails, eating apples and walnuts. I miss the grumpy you who hated being woken up. I miss our late night walks, going to the gym, shopping trips to the Mall...

 I wish I could find the mother I was before.  I have lost all control of eating healthy.  I have gained weight, so weird to weigh more then I have since I had Marielle.  The addictions have been coming from places in my past, resurfacing, and I hate that I seem to have no control.

 I am grateful Madie to have learned so much this year, but the learning has been incredibly painful. 

 I'm grateful that you are with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  That you are on a special mission, teaching and helping prepare the world for the Second Coming of Christ, even though I don't like your mission call,  I have felt many times that this is part of the reason you were taken. 

 I hold to faith that even in my darkest moments, that Christ will help me, that the Spirit of the Holy Ghost will comfort me, and that I can figure out who I am and what it is that God wants me to do, because this is so hard! 

 I was reading my scriptures today, and thought "well Madie can't write me the letter that I wish she could, is there a message in my scriptures that she could give me?"  I turned to a place not really thinking, and there it was, my message. Highlighted in Philippians 4:13 the scripture that you would know became my mantra in 2009.  I knew you would know it's significance, and it gave me the added strength I needed to get through today.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" 

 I told you over and over that summer that I would say this to myself to run just a block farther when we started running again.  It also helped me when I had so many foods that would give me migraine headaches.  I became so strong, and there it was... a reminder of days gone by with you as I shared my struggles with my health challenges and how I faced them.  

So even though I struggle with the littlest of things, and find a heaviness has come over me, I'm coming to accept that I don't know who it is that I am suppose to become. I've been seeking inspiration in my personal prayers. I've found insights from  Nephi ( in the Book of Mormon) when faced with incredible odds, he said 

"...Let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord "   

"And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."

"Nevertheless I went forth..."  

1 Nephi 4:1,6,7

So as I stumble daily feeling so worn out, and unsure of how to face this second year, I gain strength from these concepts, these and knowing that I am a daughter of God, understanding that he loved you before I loved you, helps me know you are okay.  God has shown me his love in my darkest of moments.  He has shown me he's aware of me, my needs my thoughts. This helps me to continue forward into the unknown as I face December with so many conflicting emotions and Christmas at home without you. Something that makes me want to run and hide till January arrives...

Nov 29-30 Madeline's temple work and a favorite blog post

On Friday Nov 29 when so many where shopping, (Black Friday) Larry, Taylor, Bailee and I went to the temple to be there when Madie's temple work  was done by proxy by Rachelle. It was the last thing we could do for her, something that was good, but so hard too. 

 It was a year ago that Larry and I finally saw Madeline, and started our goodbyes to our precious daughter.  I remember that so much of her didn't look like her.too much makeup, bruising, a little swelling..  but her hair still did.  Her hands and toes did too.  For the type of accident and injury she looked good, but there is nothing to prepare a parent for seeing a child's body in a casket.  Larry couldn't touch her, but I had to inspect her to make sure she was all there.  I had cut and styled her hair her entire life except when she took scissors to it.  I was glad it still looked and felt the same.  Everything else was what I had created, but not her.  Just the shell.  What God had created, her spirit- that was so obviously missing.  I am grateful to know that she will be resurrected again, reunited with her spirit and made perfect.  I will always be grateful for this knowledge.   The challenge  from the moment of knowing she was gone, how to do this physical thing.  It's so difficult! The last thing I did was cut a piece of her hair, something tangible to keep before we closed the casket...

 It has been a long year, a year of tears, quiet moments of reflection, change, I became a writer, something I never would have thought I would do in any form, especially not in a public form. To end this month of gratitude, I decided to share one of my favorite blog posts.

Firsts... Prom, weddings and such...

 Firsts... I can't believe how many things I have had to do for the first time since Madie died that have been so difficult.  Last week I found myself doing hand sewing all week getting a dress ready for MarShae to wear to prom.  Honestly, I didn't think I would be doing another formal until MarShae’s senior year for prom because part of doing the dresses for Madie last year was that MarShae would be also able to wear them.  That illusion was shattered…   but seriously it would be too weird, too soon, too memorialized right now. Besides she needed to know she was the girl of the night, right?  Even so, the task completely overwhelmed me… Thankfully I had a dear friend who could see MarShae’s needs, shopped with me for fabric, constructed the basic dress and encouraged me to be able to take on the lace work and finish the dress.  So grateful! 

 I know what "real" angels feel like...

Almost ready, last touches... Prom 2012

Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle... 
Everything  I do is stitched with it's color.
Senior Prom 2012 Madeline Rose 

I was literally up to my eyeballs in MarShae’s dress, crying often as memories flooded my mind of a short year ago when I was in crunch time on Madie’s prom dress, when I was kindly asked if I could possibly do one of Madie's friends hair for her wedding in two days. I burst into tears when I read the message, not knowing how I could even do something so soon, so personal,   what I always did for Madie, on her friend's wedding day… So hard, and yet I felt like Madie would want me to.

Homecoming Senior Year with Sawyer

A little history… Madie's first date was with this couple and she adored them.  We talked extensively about them when she was trying to figure out if she should go to college in a relationship with Sawyer.  It was a dream that I shared with Madie, a possibility, an illusion,,,  No wedding, no happily ever after… how could I do this… I called her mother and she was so kind, understanding that it might be hard both physically and emotionally for me to do.

They shared with me that a hairdresser had done her hair the previous Saturday  for bridal portraits.  It wasn’t what they had hoped for, then it started raining so the photo shoot was canceled.  They said a prayer asking who could maybe do her hair and give her the look she wanted for her wedding day. My name came to both of them…

 I wondered who was playing with my life… I had earlier that day decided I didn't want to attend the reception because I thought it would be too hard, now this choice... I did the only thing I could, I prayed.  I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father and told him how overwhelmed I was with the dress and also I didn't know if I could do her hair. I felt like it was something I have the talent to do, but not sure the heart to be able pull it off.  I again felt Madie would want me to do her friends hair, so I  agreed and went back to sewing, tears rolling down my cheeks. I asked my Savior to sustain me and help me accomplish the tasks at hand.  So many times I felt encouraged while sewing MarShae’s dress, interspersed with flashbacks of Madie's prom exactly a year ago.  I felt prompted numerous times to go put on a conference talk, read scriptures, read Madie's journal...  It always lightened my burdens..

I knew the spirits voice...

 I awoke early and prayed to have the strength and ability to do her hair, knowing how important her day was....  I saw pictures and went to work not sure if I could make it happen.  I found myself crying and silently praying. My brain was so scattered, I don't know how I did her hair, but it happened. I was invited to come to the temple afterwards to see her in her dress while pictures were taken. Back to work on the dress, more tears.. Friends reached out as I stitched....I decided to go see and  was pleasantly surprised when I saw her. How perfect she looked.  It was like a masterpiece... 

 I knew who the "real" creator was...

 I was watching the bride and groom, in my own little world, really happy for the two of them, yet so aware of what wouldn't be happening for me. While taking everything in I had a chance encounter with a general authority who had been told of my situation. He came up to me, looked me in the eyes  put his hands on my arms, and spoke tender words of comfort to me.  I can't remember much of what he said, but I do know I felt enveloped in love.  It was as though my Savior stood there staring into my eyes with a love that consumed me..  It overwhelmed me to my very core, tears streamed down my cheeks, and I felt a love that is beyond description. I remember him gazing into my eyes and telling me that Heavenly Father doesn't allow us to have any experiences here in mortality that aren't necessary for our Eternal progression. I remember nodding my head in understanding of what he was telling me...

Timeless

I knew who the "real" healer was...

I marvel even as I write this of all of the sacred experiences I have had since Madie has died, for that I am so grateful to see the hand of God as he comes through, showing me his power.  

As for prom... 

 well that was really amazing to have so much help come from different places that brought it all together.

 Messages, texts, rides, things dropped off, shoe shopping, her hat created.

 MarShae’s hair styled  by someone besides me..

 I stitched till we put the dress on MarShae, added the completed hat,

 and just stood in awe at what had happened…

 Again I knew who the creator is,

 and for that I give thanks to my Heavenly Father 

for once again showing me nothing is too difficult

 my trust and faith strengthened this week…

Pure joy... Makes it all worth the effort!

                                                                  The design team

Back to  Nov 30, 2013
On a different note, so I will remember...

I sometimes wonder why it is that when the family comes together it seems to be so crazy, loud, fun, very late nights, then it's gone.. quiet, almost silent. Everyone left today, and the house is very still.

 It reminds me of the aftermath of last year.  So much in the beginning, and then so little as time moved along and we felt our way into living on our own again.  It reminds me of a post I wrote on grief and trauma resembling being bipolar.  The opposites of emotions and experiences is strange to have it become normal.

My cat Zuko was still a kitten when Madie died, and I hadn't ever owned a cat before.  He got really weird after Madie died and I wondered if he sensed her or saw her spirit.  I really had so little experience with cats.  Yesterday he  showed me that he doesn't like it when his routine or life is greatly altered, he did some things that if he wasn't such a good companion during my days when everyone was gone, he might find himself as an outdoor cat... I guess he doesn't like it when the house gets loud, full of fun... he likes our quiet scheduled routine. He was very convincing!  It added to the out of control feeling that I felt as our life moved through holidays, lots of fun, but seriously very late nights!  I am grateful to have accomplished the past 10 days.  I have learned that survival, is possible, and that good, sometimes great things can happen, interspersed with the emotional supercharged experiences.  
Last thought...

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Madie's funeral, maybe I will write, I don't know....