I don't even know how to put an end to this year 12/31/2012

Dec 30,2012   Started the morning perfectly with the Mormon Tab's "Music and the Spoken Word" New Year's broadcast.. Next to hear SisterDanielle Roberts report her mission and shed a few tears... She served in our home ward last year and came over for our family's tradition of orange rolls. She and Sister Crandall were instrumental in Madeline Morris thinking about the possibility of serving a mission... Oh the fun times we had with this sister duo! Sister Crandall and Madie would often come to church in very coordinated outfits...Tender mercies to be here in Utah today to enjoy this time with a dear sister, and friend to our family! With MarShae Morris

Dec 31,2013   I don't even know how to put an end to this year.... It feels so final, like I am closing a chapter that I don't want to close. So many wonderful memories! Madie MarShae, Marielle and I talked many times during the year about it being a landmark year for our family because so many members hit important birthdays.. On Nov. 20th 2011 Sterling Morris turned 25 to start the big year. Then exactly 6 months later Madeline Morris turned 18, four days later Ryan Morris turned 30. Three months later MarShae Morristurned 16, two months later Marielle turned 12. As the birthday year came to a close, Madeline left our family at exactly 18 1/2 on her brother Sterling's birthday. I don't even know how to start a new year, other than with gratitude for being a mother to each of my children. Each so precious and important to me. I am grateful for the wonderful memories, also the hard times when we pull together and keep moving forward. How I wish I could turn back the clock, but instead i must move forward embracing the great and wonderful blessings that I have. a wonderful husband and father, wonderful friends and acquaintances who have been more than kind.... It is knowing that each of us have times of difficulties that help define us and mold our characters... I must look to the future with anticipation of joy and Happiness being intertwined with the heartache and grief that makes up the fabric of our lives..

Happy New Year!

Les Miserables,,,, the Movie

Dec 27,2012  Les Miserables...Has to be an all time favorite movie! I wasn't prepared for how incredibly hard it would be to emotionally get through watching it...Larry and I really struggled and I haven't ever watched a movie that had so many different emotions for me personally to experience. I have loved the music from this for over twenty years.. I have the cd in my car and I remember singing songs from it with Madeline and MarShae while driving around during the last couple of months Madie lived at home ...many points of reference of love and great personal loss, with perspectives from many angles.. 

I was completely touched by the greatness of the movie, and overcome with personal emotion of a loving mother, protecting others, a life that was saved and the happiness of the young love being able to be together, the father willing to sacrifice his own desires for the better good of Cosette.. Not to mention "Bring him home', "Empty Chairs and empty Tables" 

I would like to see it again, now that I am prepared emotionally and can just enjoy the beautiful work that was created without the strong emotional attachment. Oh how I miss Madeline Rose.... I can't imagine that will ever change, hopefully it will get easier with the passage of time...

Dec 28,2013  There's a grief that can't be spoken....... and the pain goes on and on.... Oh how I wish that I didn't understand these words so clearly. 

I am amazed at the process of life and life's experiences. On one hand an absolute knowledge of the Lord's hand in all things. Blessings and miracles... mere coincidences that just aren't...
On the other hand, heartache that is so deep it really can't be spoken, but thankfully can be comforted through the Holy Ghost, and the blessings of others, lifting our burdens, lightening our load.

Oh how I wish this could be different... that I could be the one lifting someone else's load, and yet for whatever reason, this is a part of my life's experience. I have felt in so many ways that I am in the fastest tutorial, and living only what I would have previously called a nightmare, and yet absolute miracles have been a part of my daily walk since this has occurred. 

Such a split of emotions...Absolute humbling gratitude for the grace of God, shown forth in countless tender mercies, love and generosity, kindness beyond words to express... so even though the grief is unspeakable, I also find my heart bursting with gratitude, that also can't be spoken...and and even though I wish I didn't understand the depth of both sides , I am humbled to my core that the Lord has shown me his great power, love and hand in my life and in the lives of those around me...again I must state emphatically..."Be Still, and KNOW, that I am GOD"

but alas... I wish this was easier...

First Christmas without Madie

Dec. 22, 2012  We express the Love of our Savior Jesus Christ to all our friends and fellowmen during this Christmas Season. Our hearts are overflowing with the example of people that we know and don't know of love, generosity, kindness, charity, lifting another's burdens, going the extra mile, countless prayers that truly are unbelievably powerful and helping our family as we try to define this new path that is so unexpected and difficult to comprehend... 
The outpouring of love has been something that has made me appreciate in a new way the goodness of mankind.. May each of us hug our families a little longer, smile at a stranger or help someone who seems to be having a rough day...Everyone has challenges, burdens that they carry, oh how I wish I didn't have the heartache that I do, but my heart will be a witness forever of the power of Jesus Christ, he who is acquainted with grief, who knows our sorrows! Miracles happen, one happened over 2 thousand years ago as our Savior Jesus Christ came to the earth, lived and died for all mankind breaking the bands of death. He taught by example, things that I have personally witnessed in countless others...
Oh yes, Christmas will look different this year! In so many ways... I will never forget how I experienced firsthand the goodness of people living a Christ like life, exemplifying all that he taught... Merry Christmas! ♥ The Morris'

Dec 24,2013   What a wonderful day..Many firsts for several members of our family.. First time to see music and the spoken word...So beautiful...hard to take it all in..when the live recording was finished they sang "God be with you till we meet Again" acapella... A perfect ending! Later a lovely evening with Courtney Merrill and her family..So wonderful ♥...Then off to Temple square for a breathtaking experience! The lights were more than I had ever imagined..Lovely!
I am so grateful to be here,living life as fully as I could imagine considering all we have experienced recently...

Approaching Christmas, remembering our favorite Christmas

Dec 17, 2012   Last year was our family's favorite Christmas ever... 
Rachelle took over the task of Santa and she filled everyone's expectations, and beyond with perfect gifts from favorite stores that brought squeals of delight over and over.. 

Sterling and Kathy were a busy Santa team as well, designing and drawing a family portrait... such a treasure! They also made new custom designed shoes for Madie and MarShae.. their most beloved gift, and all who knew them knew how they loved their shoes that their big brother Sterling personally designed for them...

Ryan and Klara bring us the gift of family that continues with little children so excited for all the events of Christmas morning..so grateful for their wonderful family...

Taylor brought music home... he brought a new song that we sang together as a family Christmas morning, and sang with his dear Madeline Morris "Oh Holy Night" in our Christmas morning services... She was so excited to get to sing with her big brother and it was just beautiful... Madie, MarShae and Marielle were so excited to have all the big kids home together for a few cherished moments together... sugar plums discovered in Old town Spring, shooting range with the whole family, orange rolls, super mario cart races, Elf, dance parties etc... 

As I have approach Christmas this year, it has been hard to hear the laughter of the season, joy and excitement... Christmas will never return the same for us because there will always be a missing person at the table, one less stocking to fill, and one less smile and laugh to bring added joy to our family...The only thing that brings me comfort is knowing that we will be reunited as a complete family someday, but for now we can rebuild the shattered dreams of a future that looks different, enjoy the moments of family and friends! That is all that really matters... time spent with each other, talking crying, laughing, singing, wishing there wasn't the hole left in each of our hearts, but grateful to have had each member of our family... just one missing makes the heart ache in a way that is hard to put into words...

Rachelle’s thoughts, 12/17/2012

As I reflect on this particularly unique Christmas season - one that has been marred in this nation by the tragic shootings in Connecticut, and one that has been uprooted in my own family as we mourn the loss of our dear Madeline - there are a few thoughts that continually come to mind: 

Christ lived perfectly, but His life was anything but perfect. As noted by the prophet Isaiah (Isa. 53:3), the Lord is "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief." When Jesus declared to His disciples, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27), He was not stating it as a being who bypassed sorrow and grief himself. For Jesus experienced the pains and afflictions of mortality, just as we do, and because of His experience, He can perfectly succor each of us in our times of need. 

Make no mistake, my heart aches for Madie. Oh how I wish I could chat/laugh/dance with her one more time. I know all of her loved ones wish for one more memory with her. But alas, her time in mortality was shorter than what we had all anticipated, and we must face our lives without her physical presence. 

Nevertheless, while I feel pain I have never felt before (pain I hope many reading this post never have to endure), I also feel comfort from the Lord in ways I have never experienced. Indeed, the Lord IS the Prince of Peace, and I am grateful I can celebrate His birth during this tumultuous time. 

And even though I lack the musical talents that Taylor, Ryan, MarShae, Bailee,Kathy, etc possess, all I yearn to do right now is sing these lyrics of our family's favorite Christmas carol:

Sweet hymns of joy
In grateful chorus raise we
Let all within us praise His holy name
Christ is the Lord, let ever ever praise Thee
Noël, Noël
Oh night, Oh night divine 

May we all feel the Spirit of Christ during this special season, and through feeling the Spirit of Christ, may we all be a little kinder, a little more thoughtful, and a little more generous to those around us. —

My thoughts...
Dec 18,2013  I can't believe it was 4 weeks ago tonight that Madeline Morriswas packing a bag, so excited that her brother Taylor Morris and Bailee Brinkerhoff had just announced their engagement, and decided to take off early to share their excitement with Bailee's family in Arizona. 
One of the challenges for me personally is I didn't get to say goodbye...Who could have known... It has made me realize that it really is important to treat each other with the love that we would feel if it was our last encounter with them... Not always easy, but having no regrets is really powerful ... How often do we harbor ill feelings because someone hurt our feelings, or upset us...Human nature tells me it happens way more than I want to live with any more... Life can be short, and easy to take for granted...

Kindness always wins... It is never the wrong response...

Dec 16,2012   As we walk through this journey of life often things happen that pull the rug out from under us. Illness, financial difficulties, problems in relationships, accidents, disappointments in so many forms... It is part of the journey to help us learn how to be more like our Savior Jesus Christ... We can call these things many things. Obstacles, challenges, trials, tests of faith, and it would and could be a good way to assess the situation.... We can also look at these things through different eyes... God's eyes, for he is always on our team! God is for us, never against us! As hard as it can be some days, I choose to look at this painfully difficult experience as an opportunity. I know... strange choice of words, but it seems like it puts this in a different light... He isn't testing me or trying me... he wants me to succeed, and hopes I will lean on him and my Savior Jesus Christ, allowing him to teach me ....... As I let this experience go through my very core, may I have the courage to accept it and know he won't leave me alone, he hasn't yet, and won't as long as I continue to turn to him, allowing him to carry me through this unimaginable lose.. He is for me and wants me to take this opportunity and grow... learn... stretch... and witness of his love for all his children. I know that he knows our thoughts and each of us personally. 

May Christmas take on a little different meaning this year... I know it has for us... it is hard to imagine ever having the same thoughts or concerns at Christmas again... what I wouldn't give to have one more hour with Madeline Morris ~ to talk, laugh and hold her... to have one more late night walk, and just talk about the happenings of her day...to hear her sing once more and bust out laughing...

But... "Sometimes people leave you... halfway through the woods" and those opportunities are lost forever...

Focusing on Gratitude, journal entries

Dec 4,2012   Today I am grateful for beautiful music that calms my troubled heart... I am grateful to have lyrics that speak to my soul... I am thankful to wonderful people who have reached out in numerous ways to bless and comfort me and my family, as we have walked through this altering of what my illusion of our life would be. I am thankful for knowledge that families can be eternal, and that I will see my beautiful Madeline Morris again....without that knowledge I don't know how I could continue with hope in this life...I will so miss everything about her until then ♥

 Dec. 6,2012

Sometimes people leave you, halfway through the woods... others may decieve you.... you decide what's good... you decide alone, but no one is alone..... 
Who would have thought when my daughter MarShae Morris was cast in the role of Cinderella in the musical "Into the Woods" less than a month before her sisters tragic accident, that she would learn first hand what it feels like to lose someone who is like your twin,.... That said I am sure that Madeline Morris will be with her as she grows and develops her talents, and cheering her on every step of the way. Madie was so proud of her little sister and all the wonderful opportunities that were coming to her this year. She will now be able to watch her as she so desired to do, and be with her to help her gain greater insights and abilities as MarShae reaches out to others through her gifts and talents... I am so grateful for the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ..

Life is an illusion... the past is gone, and the future isn't here yet...to think we can control the outcome of things, is part of the illusion... I am grateful that even when the illusion is shattered, that we still have a choice as to how we will handle the dreams that don't occur... I am so grateful for the outpouring of love to me and my family... I wouldn't have chosen this in any fashion, but I am grateful for the goodness of people, to show forth compasion and love to help us on this rocky path called life 

Gratitude post Nov 30, 2012

   Day 30..Today I am grateful for witnessing firsthand the goodness of human nature. I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love from so many different sources! I have learned the importance of kindness... it was a post that I posted right before our shocking news of the accident with Madeline Morris, Taylor Morris and Bailee Brinkerhoff I didn't then have any clue that I would shortly see the power of kindness bestowed upon our family. I also didn't understand how kind our Heavenly father would be to me personally. Each time I would think " I wish this would happen or wouldn't this be nice, he would bring it into my life. Two happened yesterday... The first on the way to the hospital.. I had a very sweet experience with Madie in the summer of 2011 when we were going to the Temple one morning. My father had recently passed away and I told her about when I was a teenager I loved rainbows. I told her about a song of a little boy who's mother was dying and in the chorus the song talks about her telling him that she would build him a rainbow, way up high above, sprinkle down sunlight , all plum full of love, sprinkle down raindrops, teardrops of joy, I'll be happy in heaven watching over my boy. As we went around the corner after telling her this there in the sky was a big rainbow. I started crying and told her my father was saying hello... I wondered if Madie would send me the same message. Yesterday morning without any rain there it was as we were driving.. a wide rainbow...I started crying in the car... Then as we were flying home I would hope we would fly over where the accident occurred. sure enough, I was watching... along came the grand canyon, then soon I saw off in the distance Flagstaff, and the road leading there.. 89 . As we flew over I was grateful for twice in a day Heavenly father granting something that had only been a thought in my mind... ♥

Gratitude post Nov 29, 2012

Day 29, 2012... Today I am grateful to have witnessed Psalm 46 "Be still and know that I am God " This has been powerfully witnessed to me over the past 9 days. Every time I have expressed a desire, he has witnessed to me his presence and given to me the desire. He has even given me things that I didn't know I needed but then became apparent how that would lift me and show me the miracle of his love. I can not express enough gratitude for all that has been done because so much I am not even aware of. The many acts of kindness, service, thoughts, prayers, compassion have not gone unnoticed. If I haven't thanked you personally please know that every act of kindness in any form, is greatly appreciated. The Relief Society motto is "Charity never Faileth" I can say that this has never meant so much to me. It is true!! Kindness from the heart is never wrong. ♥ ♥ ♥

Gratitude post Nov 28, 2012

  Day 28... Today I am grateful for the Gift of the Holy Ghost... I understand differently then I ever have before that having been given the Gift of the Holy Ghost and it being confirmed upon me after baptism is truly the greatest gift our Heavenly Father can give to us while on the earth except for the sacrifice and atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ.
I am so grateful for this gift, because I have it I have felt it holding me up, carrying me through, helping me to see clearly, and giving me many opportunities to have brought to my mind different situations that occurred before and since the accident to witness that this was the Lord's hand and that he is aware of my pain, but also that he will carry me and give me more than I could even think or ask for. Blessings beyond measure, to show me that he is God and that he knows the very thoughts and things I would need or desire to make this part of my life's journey easier!
I now see clearly what it means to have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. 

gratitude post Nov 26

Nov 26, 2012  Day 26... Today I am grateful that Taylor Morris is through with the surgeries needed to be able to get him on the road to recovery... he is my hero with his precious new fiance Bailee Brinkerhoff who saved his life... he is in immense pain... heartbreaking for me to watch him suffer tonight, but heaven willing he will get a little rest. The next few days will be very excruciating for him, and then we move forward... I have never felt so splintered and yet so completely glued together from countless angels holding the pieces together so I don't completely disintegrate. It confirms to me the power of prayer, service, brotherly love, and generosity of time, talents, prayers and resources, all trying to ease our families burdens. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for my Savior Jesus Christ, who continues to fill me with his immense love, and also to all those individuals who have dropped out of their world and carried us through the heartache and pain of this past week... Miss you Madeline Morris♥

. First gratitude post after the accident Gratitude post

Nov 24, 2013  Day 24....I am grateful to understand in a different way "I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me"..... It is interesting to still be breathing, talking, laughing, and crying... doing two things simultaneously I didn't think I would ever be capable of ... I am so grateful for the knowledge that has been burned into my soul this week of Eternal Families.... I believed it before, but the spirit has soothed my heart in a way I can't describe, that this is a true principle... The Lord is My Sheppard...He has witnessed to me so many times in the past 3 days that this was his plan... not one that I like, but that he would let me know he was powerfully there ... anything I have thought, or not thought of has been provided almost instantly ...because of this witness I have to trust that he will help to carry me through the next several years as I process the reality of our lives without my sweet Madeline Morris ♥