Birth, Death... new beginnings

Since Madie passed away in November I have looked for things or events to give me reasons to want to keep engaged in life.. I am always looking for the next "thing" that gives me a reason to keep getting out of bed each day, something besides the regular routine. 

 I was grateful for Christmas and the family coming together.

  Klein's musical, that MarShae participated  in gave me something to look forward to,and participate in.

  
  I have eaten more decadent food, traveled, cried, and prayed more than any other seven month period in my  life.

There are special events like the musical, a grandchild on the way, and Taylor and Bailee's wedding, that were already part of our expectations and plans before Madie died.  Each time one has occurred, the completion of it has been weird, with conflicting emotions. Always a reminder that life is moving along, and Madie isn't present for these important occasions, but I can clearly remember telling her about each new exciting event, and her excitment about each of these.  
As I've experienced some of these I find that I internalize more deeply that she won't be a physical presence for other momentous happenings for the rest of my life. I guess this is all part of the process of acceptance.  As strange as it may seem, every morning as I am coming into awareness, I find myself again remembering what my life now is. It's weird to have it always be the first thoughts that I think about.

 But life does continue to move along, and happy events happen.
After months of anticipation, my son Ryan and his wife Klara welcomed a new baby boy into their lives this week on June 27th, at 1:30 a.m.  
(also my grandmother's birthday)

         Ryan, holding his new son, Samuel Hyrum Morris.

I couldn't help but recall that exactly two years earlier Madie, MarShae and I witnessed his older brother Joseph's birth, in the middle of the night on June 26,2011. 

 I clearly remember Madie who was witnessing her first birth stating that it was far more sacred than she had expected.  I am grateful to have this memory with Madie and MarShae, that they could experience this together since we won't experience Madie becoming a mother, giving birth or praying for her safety and the safety of the new baby that she might be delivering. MarShae won't have her sister to experience motherhood with. So many changes that become apparent as life continues to happen.

 How different it felt this time as sweet Samuel entered the world, again in the middle of the night, but being completely unaware of his arrival. I've learned some valuable lessons through this experience though. 

 First in hindsight I realize that I was awakened when he arrived.  I had  been asleep for less than 2 hours and then woke up and laid in bed frustrated that I wasn't sleeping.  I rolled over and looked at the clock.  It was 1:30 something.  I eventually fell asleep again, and awoke at 3:30, again. 
 I was frustrated.  I went downstairs to try and sleep in a recliner, and to take something to help me sleep. 

When I awoke in the morning I soon found out that Samuel had been born during the night. 

 I realized that even though it wasn't the illusion I had hoped for, that Heavenly Father still let me know that He knew I wanted to experience heaven touching earth.  This idea came to me as I pondered what had happened throughout the day. I may not have known Klara was in labor,  but the Lord knew my desires to be a part of Samuel's birth. I began to understand that I was awakened for no explainable reason when Samuel was born.
 This experience felt extremely familiar as I recalled the morning that Madie died. 

 Larry and I both awoke about the same time in different places, soon after the accident had occurred.  I wasn't happy to be awake because I had received a text from Taylor the night before around 1:00 a.m. as I was trying to fall asleep stating he was engaged. Since I was still awake when the text came in I decided to get up and  look on the computer to see if there were pictures posted and sure enough there were.

  I felt like I was a part of the excitement of their engagement as I read all the comments people were making. 
                 I was elated! 
 In my excitement I struggled getting to sleep, but eventually did around 2 or 3 a.m. 

  I awoke a little after 7 a.m., desperately wishing I could go back to sleep, feeling anxious and frustrated, only to have Larry come downstairs saying he had just woke up too.
 I  told him about the engagement, asked him what time it was,then realized I needed to get up because I had a student coming.
  I didn't comprehend how odd it was that we both woke up at the same time without an alarm until hours later, when I realized what time Madie had died.  I knew in my heart that she had come and woke Larry and I up after passing away.  In all of the hysteria, and trauma of the day this was something that I just knew...
 Because of this experience when she died, I linked the similarities with Samuel's birth. Both times the unexplainable arousal, and the frustration I felt that I was awake.   Understanding came and I felt comforted, a new appreciation for being woke up.

 Later we drove over to Ryan and Klara's, experienced their joy, and welcomed the newest member to our family. 

 Was I emotional? 

                                               Yes...

 Is he beautiful?  

                                         Yes!
 Did the birth go well? 

                                 yes.. 
 Was there excitement throughout their home?

  again, yes..

                        Joseph, barely 2 holding Samuel

Even though I understand that things happen that are out of my control, I am grateful to know that unseen angels, maybe even Madie, have worked to lighten my sorrows.  This brings me comfort and peace as I continue to gain understanding about how little control we have in life.  Really, we only control our personal decisions, and so often we are faced with choices as to how we will react to life's events.. 
I again ask myself, Do I accept the bumps and give thanks regardless of how far it is from my illusions?  Do I find things to be grateful for in spite of the obstacles I am confronted with?  Good questions to start each day with...

  I do know this, I can pull myself out of any dark, low place if I remember where to turn, remembering it will pass, and that light will again emerge.
So this morning I awoke early and went for a run, not that I particularly like to run, but it gives me a chance to spend time talking to any who might listen...
 I  repeatedly asked for help; Lots of help, and when I was finished I felt renewed, knowing that the day would be good, and for that I am grateful...

Seven months....

    "Kindness 
            is the essence of 
                                   Greatness"

 I have spent a large amount of time pondering on this quote that Madie had hand written on a piece of paper and taped it to her mirror in her bedroom.  As the past seven months have moved along I have found myself not holding to my earliest convictions after the accident of embracing and becoming this.  As life has settled in and adjusted patterns of living have returned in our home, I have discovered that greatness is earned through our commitment to kindness.

As I have contemplated on what kindness is, I have reflected on hundreds of acts of kindness shown to me and my family. 

 Kindness has made the journey more bearable; lightened the burden, and my heart is overflowing with gratitude.  

Yet I ask myself,  Am I kind in my heart... Lately  this thought has been coursing through my brain, and honestly, I need to work on this.
 When things are going well, (currently at our house that means no one is having a difficult time) then yes, true kindness fills my heart. 
 But what about the disappointments that can hit from some unexpected place?  What about the loneliness that is a part of this type of experience? There are so many different emotions that accompany grief and emotional stability is essential, and yet the need to work through the grieving process, is also a high priority.   That is often when I notice the internal conflict . 

 As I have contemplated  on this thought, "Am I kind in my heart"  I realize my inadequacies, my need to improve... 
 Ultimately in my opinion kindness is charity, and 
                  Charity
                        is the essence of  
                                 Greatness
So what is charity?  
                                                     Well, since this blog was created in honor of Madeline,

.I will share her favorite scripture...

 "And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not,and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing for charity never faileth. wherefore cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all , for all things must fail-




But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever,

 and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day it shall be well with him. 

Wherefore my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hast bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ: that ye may become the Sons of God;  that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is, that we may have this hope;  that we may be purified even as he is pure.
 Moroni 7 :45-48.


 I spent several hours yesterday in the temple and pondered on having a forgiving heart, desiring  to put into practice Charity. 

 For me one of the hardest things that often hits is the things that will never be.  I find myself wishing that my life could be like someone elses, that Madie could be leaving on her mission now as planned, and that she would return afterwards,  go back to college, eventually get married, have children etc 

 As I have seen other's lives moving in these directions my heart is filled with conflict.  I am happy for them and heartbroken for myself.  As I observe joy, it is hard not to reflect on my heartache. This conflict causes so much angst inside.  I want to be able to move forward, enjoying the blessings of every ones life, not  excluding myself, because it might be hard on me, or what if I fall apart and the spirit or mood of the "whatever" is dampened.  I also have discovered as I've repeatedly attempted to find solid ground during the past several months, that a heavy sadness was often a battle, yet sometimes I am doing fine.  Loneliness while hard at times, also has given me time to ponder, write, discover and grow.   

Today as I pondered on these scriptures, I realized that charity envieth not,  beareth all things, and endureth all things...  
This gives me focus of things that I can work on, hopefully to become more charitable in the process. 
 Does it mean the pain vanishes, because I've decided to again work on improving my relationship with God by becoming more like his Son, Jesus Christ?  This is always the hope, the mindset and desire, but often I am snatched and grief consumes me again, always shocking me into reality of my vulnerability...
Oh how I look forward to peace that is consistent, not so fleeting, and yes,  
                     patience is a virtue....

                              Till we meet again....

More than just another day!

I have always had a thing for dates and numbers. It's something my brain does, that's kind of weird, but always gets my attention.. I can remember with clarity events that happened on certain dates, often from many years ago.
 Here's a few examples.. April 23, 1987 we closed on the only house that we've ever purchased..  Without realizing it, two years later on the same date we were car shopping and bought our first new car.  I told Larry maybe we should avoid shopping for any major purchases on that day.
April 27, 1993 I was at my OB GYN appointment,  for a regular visit at 17 weeks pregnant. The nurse couldn't find a heartbeat,  my baby had died since my last appointment.   April 27th, five years later, at the same doctors office, now 15 weeks pregnant, exact same thing;  there wasn't a heartbeat.  I clearly remember wondering why on earth I had scheduled a follow up visit for the date when I had lost a pregnancy 5 years earlier.  When Larry and I got on a flight on April 23rd this past year to go back to Las Vegas, this time for a convention, and returned with him really sick on the 27th, believe me I took note!  The good thing was the trip was filled with healing moments, accept for Larry getting so sick!
 Another interesting numbers/date coincidence is all of my seven children except Marielle were born on the 20 something of various months. Marielle was holding out for the 20th, until I mentioned to my doctor at 11:30 p.m. after pushing for 1 1/2 hours that she wanted to be born in the 20's like her siblings..  Out came the forceps, and she was born on the 19th just before midnight..

Obviously the most traumatic date line up would be the day of the accident when Taylor broke his neck and back, and Madie died on Nov. 20 2012.  I may never understand why it happened on Sterling's 26th birthday and Madeline's half birthday.
This past week I knew that the time when Madie left for college was fast approaching, but it wasn't until yesterday that I realized that  June 15th was the anniversary of when Madie left home to begin her first experience at BYU.  I clearly remember going to Ryan and Klara's home from the airport.  It was my grand daughter Evelyn Rose's 5th birthday, and I was so emotional that I called my husband and asked him to pick up a birthday gift and bring it over to Ryan's after work. ( I had lost my mother 10 months earlier, and my father 4 months before my mom and Madie leaving was really hard to accept another change so quickly)

 I remember Madie safely arriving in Utah, and being picked up by Sawyer's aunt and his cousin, Shaylee.  They took her to do some shopping for supplies and Madie lost her wallet in Walmart.  She was absolutely beside herself with all her id's and access to any money missing.  Shaylee and Madie decided to pray and soon decided to see if it had been turned into the lost and found.  Sure enough it was, and Madie was so incredibly relieved, as was I..  I missed her so much, but wanted her to know I believed in her, that she was ready for this shift in her life.
As I woke up this morning, I started realizing how much was happening and lining up on this day.  With the American Fork half marathon on my mind,  knowing that 4 people would be running in honor of Madie, and to support Taylor and Bailee as RoseRunners, (the new none profit organization my older children started in honor of Madeline Rose).. They were spotlighted on good morning Utah the morning before the race, which can be viewed on the RoseRunners websight..
 I immediately checked my computer to see if any pictures were up and found the first photo of the group before the race.

 As I shared the photo on FaceBook other photos and a video came across my news screen.

I realized my daughter Rachelle with  Bailee, CiCi, and Shannon were taking it to the streets. 

 I felt this need to go run -whatever that might look like while they were running.

  Larry left for his run ( I avoid concrete),
                                                      while I headed down to the creek. 

 It was our spot, the place that Madie and I would go to get away either for a walk or a run, but I had quit running 5 years ago because of some health challenges, so this was something I never saw myself doing again..

Earlier in the week I had been at the creek for my 3rd attempt at training for a 5K this fall.  Since I am starting over, and 25 pounds heavier than when I was running 5 years ago, I was taking this re entry very slowly.  Barely jog 1 minute, walk 1 1/2 minutes, then repeat it up to 8 times.

 So that was the plan this morning, but having watched the video before I left the house live from the race, something happened to me as I was running.  I found myself setting mini goals.. Run to the street with the bridge, (About 3/4 of a mile) then as I was approaching it I just had this desire to keep going to see what I could do.  I was all alone, back in our spot where many runs in our family had taken place, and I just couldn't quit.

                         I thought
                  "Madie I am pretty sure you are helping the crew in American Fork,

                       but if you can help me out here, I'd be grateful".  

I kept going... I felt invigorated.  I remembered the adrenaline rush I hadn't felt in years, and it moved me along. I talked to Madie asking her to help my knees and shoulders, praying for all the help I could get.

 Little did I know but my son Ryan was on his own personal challenge, running 8.25 miles during the same time, his personal best.  I thought "Madie is probably cheering us all on"..  I really wanted  to finish the whole loop around the creek, which is about a 2 1/2 to 3 mile run..

  As I was on the last 1/4 of the loop I texted Larry and he came to the finish and captured my personal victory.

 It felt good to participate on this landmark day.
                    Video with a surprise at the finish line

As soon as I returned home, it was off to Evelyn Rose's birthday celebration. 

 I remember with clarity 6 years ago driving to Austin to make it in time for her birth.  She was the first grandchild I was privileged to witness her arrival into the world.

We returned home, MarShae went for her "commemorative Madie run" and Larry and I went to a movie after my shower..

            I thought I should wear my Remember Madeline shirt

                        from the first event to memorialize her

 What a carefully planned surprise for our family on Dec 22, 2012

as if all of this wasn't enough there was even another landmark today.  Madie's friend, Megan Weaver was married.
                                     They co-chaired girls camp

                   which coincidentally included  June 15th, 2 years ago.

 We attended her reception this evening, to finish off our "more than just another day".

Now that's a lot of big things falling on one day!

The rollar coaster continues

I hesitate to share this post because I get tired of the unpredictability of my mood swings, and sometimes want to follow the societal rules of  put on your best front,  fake it till you make it or at least pretend  that you are solid, steady, a rock!.
As I have pondered on what to do I remembered a few things...
1- this is ultimately for me to have some recollection of my journey through the unthinkable, and
2 -I am hoping that my transparency will help others whose life for whatever reason is vacillating between awful, and good, to have courage to accept the violent mood shifts, and find the strength to keep seeking the balance somewhere in between.

So here's what I wrote in the wee hours of the morning of June14, 2013, only to find that within 36 hours I was feeling the need to do something amazing. and later that day writing completely opposite type thoughts.

I again share transparently...

 June 14, 2013 1:00 am

I am repeatedly surprised when I am doing really well and something unexpected hits me and bam, I am a mess..
                                      It happened last night, again.. 
 After having four really good days, I saw a few pictures and I couldn't believe the way they affected me..  It continues to be shocking when I am so quickly snatched to another frame of mind, tears flowing, and a realization all over again as to what Madie being dead means to me personally..

Blindsided,  I recalled  the stark reality that I won't ever see her again.. I won't talk to her, write to her, text her, do her hair, design a dress, shop at the mall.. We won't go on a walk, workout at the gym, or even on a run..  There'll be no discussions about her day,  the things that are troubling her, or the obstacles she's working on. We won't discuss the beauty of nature we often observed in flowers, the stars or the cloud formations.
 I won't see her go on a mission..

(well not one where I have any form of normal communication with her and witness her growth). 

 There isn't a happy homecoming to look forward to,
                                                           not in life as I know it..
                             
                                         Her wedding that won't happen

I also realize..
 There won't be phone calls exclaiming that she's pregnant.. She won't call for advice on how to get through morning sickness, or sleepless nights as we anxiously await for her baby to arrive.  Only later for her to discover the struggles of motherhood, again looking for advice..

 I again recognize real is real, she is gone- and gone,  is gone..  Obviously I am not talking about forever gone, just absent from everything that has meaning on a day to day basis..  Basically life as I know it until I leave this world, and really until we are reunited as a family..

 I would love to be pleasantly surprised, to discover that I'm wrong, to know that she is really there for the important events, but only time and faith will reveal that..

 Some of the lessons I'm learning become apparent as I observe the things that won't happen..  It is in these events that the reality of almost seven months starts to sink in.  It is the shortest amount of time until I am with her again, and yet the longest time I have ever experienced, without at least talking to one of my children..

As an understanding of the reality of the rest of my life sets in, I struggle with what that looks like.  In some ways it resembles a death sentence.  I understand I will never experience pure joy again in my lifetime.  It cannot happen without her here, part of me is missing..
   There will always be an empty chair at our family gatherings.

 Christmas won't ever be the same, but we can celebrate the joy of Christ who gives me peace about being with Madie again.
      
 Thanksgiving has been permanently altered.

 I don't know if we will ever have a Thanksgiving dinner again, cooking one seems incomprehensible to me. I have prepared it ever year since I was married until this past Thanksgiving, when Madie died and Taylor nearly died two days before.  The holiday is permanently altered. It is hard to explain how much I lost on Nov. 20,2012.
  I also have observed that to get through the first year as a family we have rallied around each other and tried desperately to make all the firsts bearable, sometimes amazingly good!

  I mean 2 cheesecakes for Mother's day, seriously, that was a tremendous effort to help me not think about what was so wrong, and missing on that day.  I am incredibly grateful for the support and love I have received to brave through all of these landmarks.

 Consequently as I look down the road into the future I see life with meaning, and yet life with emptiness. I know that it won't just be the first year of events, because as I witness others including my own children going through various experiences, I perceive how there will always be a reminder of what just isn't.  What happens when it is 5-10-20 years, and I'm one of the few, who remembers what I have lost. When adjustments have been made and expectations are in place that I should be over it.  The truth is  I don't believe it is something that a mother ever gets over, I believe she just learns to adapt.

As I have observed my friends who have lost children, I've noticed that the ones who I want to emulate have found a way to accept their new life.  Even so, I perceive there is still a vulnerable place, that place that never really heals completely- not in this life.  I recognize building a new life is the only way to heal, because otherwise I am stuck on the day that Madie died.  It plays over and over again,  grief is such an unforgiving process.  It tears you up, runs you over, leaves you mutilated, left for dead, and yet you are still breathing....  Often I'm completely unsure how I'm still alive.  And yet  somehow I am, and it is more real than anything I have ever experienced.

 Some may think "she's in a fog" and while in many ways that is true,  most of the time I am in a reality that completely consumes my thoughts about how real my life is without Madeline Rose.

 It is the most irrefutable thing I have ever had to confront on a daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute basis.

Yet I don't want pity!  I don't want to be victimized by this,  in fact I want to rise and live!  I want to enjoy my life, regardless of how altered it is..
So I push through, crying as it comes, looking the obstacles straight in the face. Even though I didn't ask for, dream of, or want this, I know the sooner I can embrace, and accept it,  the sooner life will have longer periods of peace.  That happy moments will come and not feel so fleeting, and someday I will again find joy, even if it isn't until I am reunited with Madeline Rose, 
                                            joy will come...

Restoring order....

Yesterday we began cleaning out some of the accumulated clutter of the last couple of years. When Madie died in November, we were in the middle of a big project of  texturing, and painting a room that I was transforming into a small guest room from a large storage closet..

 The entire house was being reorganized.. My life was in complete disarray. The accident compounded the lack of harmony- chaos everywhere...

 There were countless hours of service rendered to put things away and bring some sense of order to our home. I can't begin to thank all who helped, it helped us be able to manage the past 6 months so much easier. 
 The thing was I knew it was lurking behind closed doors, and it has been very hard to even know where to start. My house was already full , and then it became even fuller as we accumulated more things.  

All of Madie's belongings came back from BYU.   Beautiful pictures and memorial items that I love have been added. Nothing having a permanent location. My main  goal has been to get to the end of the school year. Anything more than that is "gold star" accomplishments. Nevertheless I have felt stuck in limbo since day one. So...
 I have escaped to many things.  trips,  food,  plays and musicals, a little gardening, and also the computer. If I sit here editing photos or writing, then I don't have to look around and see how much needs to be done and how overwhelmed I feel.
 A dear friend and her daughters came to help yesterday, and I asked her to be ruthless.
                           

 Everything is sentimental when something like this happens, and yet really so much doesn't matter it is just hard to streamline because every where you turn brings up memories.
 All was going really well.
                       My friend worked with my girls,

                                                         (miracles happened)
 and I worked on little things everywhere else. I didn't expect to have some items be so hard to part with, even though it made perfect sense to let it go. I found as the day wore on that I suddenly started having strong stomach cramps. It reminded me of early labor pains. I tried ignoring it for awhile and then the little stroller went out to the curb and I had a flash of little girls with twin dolls pushing them around in their miniature stroller. My mind screamed, "not the stroller" even though I could see it was falling apart. It had provided many hours of make believe to my three little girls and my grandchildren.  I reminded myself that I desperately wanted to lighten the space in our home and to have less to take care of.
I found it so weird to see how my body was reacting. So often in life, change is really hard, even if we know it's a good thing. I'm sure it didn't help that I had come across a book that Madie had written for an English project at the end of her freshman year. It was tucked away in our closet. I didn't remember ever seeing it, but as I read a few of the stories she had recorded from growing up it seemed more familiar. And yes, the tears and memories followed. The difference was seeing these occurrences through her eyes. Wow, mothering is full of mistakes...
                                        But I'll let Madie tell the story...
                             

                                           

It was perfect, I promise !

Spencer and Madie 

 

Well, instead of cleaning out the closet I was planning on doing today, I got lost in preserving this treasure...  



Now back to the other treasures awaiting me in these closets, like this one....

A few Mission memories from Ryan and Taylor