Birth, Death... new beginnings

Since Madie passed away in November I have looked for things or events to give me reasons to want to keep engaged in life.. I am always looking for the next "thing" that gives me a reason to keep getting out of bed each day, something besides the regular routine. 

 I was grateful for Christmas and the family coming together.

  Klein's musical, that MarShae participated  in gave me something to look forward to,and participate in.

  
  I have eaten more decadent food, traveled, cried, and prayed more than any other seven month period in my  life.

There are special events like the musical, a grandchild on the way, and Taylor and Bailee's wedding, that were already part of our expectations and plans before Madie died.  Each time one has occurred, the completion of it has been weird, with conflicting emotions. Always a reminder that life is moving along, and Madie isn't present for these important occasions, but I can clearly remember telling her about each new exciting event, and her excitment about each of these.  
As I've experienced some of these I find that I internalize more deeply that she won't be a physical presence for other momentous happenings for the rest of my life. I guess this is all part of the process of acceptance.  As strange as it may seem, every morning as I am coming into awareness, I find myself again remembering what my life now is. It's weird to have it always be the first thoughts that I think about.

 But life does continue to move along, and happy events happen.
After months of anticipation, my son Ryan and his wife Klara welcomed a new baby boy into their lives this week on June 27th, at 1:30 a.m.  
(also my grandmother's birthday)

         Ryan, holding his new son, Samuel Hyrum Morris.

I couldn't help but recall that exactly two years earlier Madie, MarShae and I witnessed his older brother Joseph's birth, in the middle of the night on June 26,2011. 

 I clearly remember Madie who was witnessing her first birth stating that it was far more sacred than she had expected.  I am grateful to have this memory with Madie and MarShae, that they could experience this together since we won't experience Madie becoming a mother, giving birth or praying for her safety and the safety of the new baby that she might be delivering. MarShae won't have her sister to experience motherhood with. So many changes that become apparent as life continues to happen.

 How different it felt this time as sweet Samuel entered the world, again in the middle of the night, but being completely unaware of his arrival. I've learned some valuable lessons through this experience though. 

 First in hindsight I realize that I was awakened when he arrived.  I had  been asleep for less than 2 hours and then woke up and laid in bed frustrated that I wasn't sleeping.  I rolled over and looked at the clock.  It was 1:30 something.  I eventually fell asleep again, and awoke at 3:30, again. 
 I was frustrated.  I went downstairs to try and sleep in a recliner, and to take something to help me sleep. 

When I awoke in the morning I soon found out that Samuel had been born during the night. 

 I realized that even though it wasn't the illusion I had hoped for, that Heavenly Father still let me know that He knew I wanted to experience heaven touching earth.  This idea came to me as I pondered what had happened throughout the day. I may not have known Klara was in labor,  but the Lord knew my desires to be a part of Samuel's birth. I began to understand that I was awakened for no explainable reason when Samuel was born.
 This experience felt extremely familiar as I recalled the morning that Madie died. 

 Larry and I both awoke about the same time in different places, soon after the accident had occurred.  I wasn't happy to be awake because I had received a text from Taylor the night before around 1:00 a.m. as I was trying to fall asleep stating he was engaged. Since I was still awake when the text came in I decided to get up and  look on the computer to see if there were pictures posted and sure enough there were.

  I felt like I was a part of the excitement of their engagement as I read all the comments people were making. 
                 I was elated! 
 In my excitement I struggled getting to sleep, but eventually did around 2 or 3 a.m. 

  I awoke a little after 7 a.m., desperately wishing I could go back to sleep, feeling anxious and frustrated, only to have Larry come downstairs saying he had just woke up too.
 I  told him about the engagement, asked him what time it was,then realized I needed to get up because I had a student coming.
  I didn't comprehend how odd it was that we both woke up at the same time without an alarm until hours later, when I realized what time Madie had died.  I knew in my heart that she had come and woke Larry and I up after passing away.  In all of the hysteria, and trauma of the day this was something that I just knew...
 Because of this experience when she died, I linked the similarities with Samuel's birth. Both times the unexplainable arousal, and the frustration I felt that I was awake.   Understanding came and I felt comforted, a new appreciation for being woke up.

 Later we drove over to Ryan and Klara's, experienced their joy, and welcomed the newest member to our family. 

 Was I emotional? 

                                               Yes...

 Is he beautiful?  

                                         Yes!
 Did the birth go well? 

                                 yes.. 
 Was there excitement throughout their home?

  again, yes..

                        Joseph, barely 2 holding Samuel

Even though I understand that things happen that are out of my control, I am grateful to know that unseen angels, maybe even Madie, have worked to lighten my sorrows.  This brings me comfort and peace as I continue to gain understanding about how little control we have in life.  Really, we only control our personal decisions, and so often we are faced with choices as to how we will react to life's events.. 
I again ask myself, Do I accept the bumps and give thanks regardless of how far it is from my illusions?  Do I find things to be grateful for in spite of the obstacles I am confronted with?  Good questions to start each day with...

  I do know this, I can pull myself out of any dark, low place if I remember where to turn, remembering it will pass, and that light will again emerge.
So this morning I awoke early and went for a run, not that I particularly like to run, but it gives me a chance to spend time talking to any who might listen...
 I  repeatedly asked for help; Lots of help, and when I was finished I felt renewed, knowing that the day would be good, and for that I am grateful...