The rollar coaster continues

I hesitate to share this post because I get tired of the unpredictability of my mood swings, and sometimes want to follow the societal rules of  put on your best front,  fake it till you make it or at least pretend  that you are solid, steady, a rock!.
As I have pondered on what to do I remembered a few things...
1- this is ultimately for me to have some recollection of my journey through the unthinkable, and
2 -I am hoping that my transparency will help others whose life for whatever reason is vacillating between awful, and good, to have courage to accept the violent mood shifts, and find the strength to keep seeking the balance somewhere in between.

So here's what I wrote in the wee hours of the morning of June14, 2013, only to find that within 36 hours I was feeling the need to do something amazing. and later that day writing completely opposite type thoughts.

I again share transparently...

 June 14, 2013 1:00 am

I am repeatedly surprised when I am doing really well and something unexpected hits me and bam, I am a mess..
                                      It happened last night, again.. 
 After having four really good days, I saw a few pictures and I couldn't believe the way they affected me..  It continues to be shocking when I am so quickly snatched to another frame of mind, tears flowing, and a realization all over again as to what Madie being dead means to me personally..

Blindsided,  I recalled  the stark reality that I won't ever see her again.. I won't talk to her, write to her, text her, do her hair, design a dress, shop at the mall.. We won't go on a walk, workout at the gym, or even on a run..  There'll be no discussions about her day,  the things that are troubling her, or the obstacles she's working on. We won't discuss the beauty of nature we often observed in flowers, the stars or the cloud formations.
 I won't see her go on a mission..

(well not one where I have any form of normal communication with her and witness her growth). 

 There isn't a happy homecoming to look forward to,
                                                           not in life as I know it..
                             
                                         Her wedding that won't happen

I also realize..
 There won't be phone calls exclaiming that she's pregnant.. She won't call for advice on how to get through morning sickness, or sleepless nights as we anxiously await for her baby to arrive.  Only later for her to discover the struggles of motherhood, again looking for advice..

 I again recognize real is real, she is gone- and gone,  is gone..  Obviously I am not talking about forever gone, just absent from everything that has meaning on a day to day basis..  Basically life as I know it until I leave this world, and really until we are reunited as a family..

 I would love to be pleasantly surprised, to discover that I'm wrong, to know that she is really there for the important events, but only time and faith will reveal that..

 Some of the lessons I'm learning become apparent as I observe the things that won't happen..  It is in these events that the reality of almost seven months starts to sink in.  It is the shortest amount of time until I am with her again, and yet the longest time I have ever experienced, without at least talking to one of my children..

As an understanding of the reality of the rest of my life sets in, I struggle with what that looks like.  In some ways it resembles a death sentence.  I understand I will never experience pure joy again in my lifetime.  It cannot happen without her here, part of me is missing..
   There will always be an empty chair at our family gatherings.

 Christmas won't ever be the same, but we can celebrate the joy of Christ who gives me peace about being with Madie again.
      
 Thanksgiving has been permanently altered.

 I don't know if we will ever have a Thanksgiving dinner again, cooking one seems incomprehensible to me. I have prepared it ever year since I was married until this past Thanksgiving, when Madie died and Taylor nearly died two days before.  The holiday is permanently altered. It is hard to explain how much I lost on Nov. 20,2012.
  I also have observed that to get through the first year as a family we have rallied around each other and tried desperately to make all the firsts bearable, sometimes amazingly good!

  I mean 2 cheesecakes for Mother's day, seriously, that was a tremendous effort to help me not think about what was so wrong, and missing on that day.  I am incredibly grateful for the support and love I have received to brave through all of these landmarks.

 Consequently as I look down the road into the future I see life with meaning, and yet life with emptiness. I know that it won't just be the first year of events, because as I witness others including my own children going through various experiences, I perceive how there will always be a reminder of what just isn't.  What happens when it is 5-10-20 years, and I'm one of the few, who remembers what I have lost. When adjustments have been made and expectations are in place that I should be over it.  The truth is  I don't believe it is something that a mother ever gets over, I believe she just learns to adapt.

As I have observed my friends who have lost children, I've noticed that the ones who I want to emulate have found a way to accept their new life.  Even so, I perceive there is still a vulnerable place, that place that never really heals completely- not in this life.  I recognize building a new life is the only way to heal, because otherwise I am stuck on the day that Madie died.  It plays over and over again,  grief is such an unforgiving process.  It tears you up, runs you over, leaves you mutilated, left for dead, and yet you are still breathing....  Often I'm completely unsure how I'm still alive.  And yet  somehow I am, and it is more real than anything I have ever experienced.

 Some may think "she's in a fog" and while in many ways that is true,  most of the time I am in a reality that completely consumes my thoughts about how real my life is without Madeline Rose.

 It is the most irrefutable thing I have ever had to confront on a daily, hourly, sometimes minute by minute basis.

Yet I don't want pity!  I don't want to be victimized by this,  in fact I want to rise and live!  I want to enjoy my life, regardless of how altered it is..
So I push through, crying as it comes, looking the obstacles straight in the face. Even though I didn't ask for, dream of, or want this, I know the sooner I can embrace, and accept it,  the sooner life will have longer periods of peace.  That happy moments will come and not feel so fleeting, and someday I will again find joy, even if it isn't until I am reunited with Madeline Rose, 
                                            joy will come...