Sacred days...

This past Sunday in church we had a special meeting where leaders from our Stake were there for a once a year "ward conference".  For any who don't understand this jargon, we are divided into "wards" each consisting of about 350 members that live relatively close to each other.  There are about 8-10 wards that will be part of a Stake, and  a group of three men who lead our Stake.
 Our "Stake President" was speaking in our Sacrament Meeting Sunday, and was reviewing the letter issued to all members of the Stake at the beginning of this past year.  One of the areas that he was going over was always having a date set for our next visit to the temple.  I had recently set a goal to go twice a week, since I had gotten out of the habit of going regularly  since Madie had died.  I was going once maybe twice a month, and with the freedom of time I have, I knew I could go a lot more then that.  So even though I had set the goal to go early Wednesday mornings  a few weeks ago, I felt when I got home Sunday from church I needed to write down a plan for my week.   With Sterling and Kathy's baby that was overdue, and with MarShae turning 18 on Thursday and planning a big birthday party for her Friday, I knew that any of the scheduled events could get postponed, but I felt like I should to go to the Temple when it opened Tuesday morning, that way if Kathy went into Labor and Tuesday didn't work I could default to Wednesday morning. 

Tuesday I woke up right before 7 and got ready.  I was excited for the day and had meaningful prayers about working on becoming more charitable in my heart, and bringing it into my home and relationships with my family members.  I realized that if I couldn't become charitable with the people I loved most how could I extend it outside my family?  I pondered on the way to the temple,  on areas that I needed to repent of, and asked for forgiveness for my selfishness.  It was a very sweet moment for me, and why I don't start each day like this is beyond me, but also a good new habit to incorporate.

As I was in the temple I felt like my mind was so clear and promptings were coming very easily.  I felt mentally invigorated and was so happy to feel the connection to above.  I had some beautiful experiences during my 3 hours I was there, and felt very close to Heaven and experienced several "coincidences".

I was told by a general authority, who happened to be also attending the 8 am session, that there are "no coincidences with God".
He knew that our paths had crossed once again, and that for some reason he has crossed the path of family members of mine repeatedly during the past year.  As we visited about how I was doing with all that has happened, and I mentioned that I had a son who's wife was expecting a baby any moment, he gave me some great council concerning various areas in my life. We talked about the mission that Madie was on.   We both knew that God had been in the details of our meeting that day again. 

 Little did I know, Sterling had tried to call me right as I had turned off my phone to let me know Kathy was being induced.  When I got the news around noon, I was overjoyed that so many aspects of the day had fallen so smoothly into place, including feeling like I should stop and get the things for MarShae's party as I left the temple. I felt so blessed to know we could take off for College Station and I had accomplished important details for the needed outcome of my week.
 We arrived at the hospital just as Rowan was born.  All the way there I knew in my heart it was going to be very close, and to hear Rowan greeting the world with a good set of lungs and his new father, Sterling laughing was pure joy to my heart.

Was Madie around today? 

 My guess is she was very close and aware of this momentous occasion. 

 She always has adored her big brother Sterling and his wife Kathy, and knowing that she died on Sterling's birthday I was very sure that the reason my mind was so clear and aware, and that everything lined up perfectly came back to following the council of my Stake President and setting the date for my next visit to the temple.  As he said, "each time you leave the Temple, set a date for when you will return again."  I am learning that when we are obedient to the promptings we receive and follow through with them, greater blessings follow.
I was asked today if I had had a chance to have Madie visit me since she has died, which I answered " not in the way that I am longing for, but I have faith that she is shining through in all of the "Madie hello's" that I see".  I have come to know that Heaven is aware of our very thoughts and there to bless us as we ask in faith, the key for me is keeping my mind open to look for the ways in which I see the miracles around me.

I woke up early this morning, Aug 20th and all day have felt an absolute peace, that defies explanation.  I find it so weird because it is the 21 month anniversary of Madie's death.  It's the first time I have found myself on the 20th of the month without conflicting emotions.  Maybe it's because of the experiences of yesterday, but I can't help but hope that as I put my faith in serving and figuring out what God wants me to do with my time, that he will bless me with a continued peace that isn't so fleeting.

In honor of Madie that I long for, Rowan that I welcome, and MarShae who is now officially 18 years old,

 I leave my testimony that I know God is aware of us as individuals.  That he knows us personally and is aware of our needs.  He loves us more then I can comprehend.  I know it because I saw too many things line up in miraculous ways that still has my brain spinning.

God's in the details...

I love knowing that God is in the details of our lives.

After being up very late I awoke on my own by  7:00 am in time to make a scheduled visit to the Houston Temple with Eleah Boyd.  As we were driving we got stuck at a red light and saw a life flight helicopter taking off. It was right next to us, and it brought up all kinds of emotion.  Evenso, I realized that it was the life flight that transported Taylor to the hospital that he needed to be in, which happened to be the number one trauma center in the western United States.  I am grateful for their expertise in his care, and for the miracles that we witnessed.  I also found it symbolic that we were on our way to the temple to worship our Saviour Jesus Christ and come to understand our Heavenly Father better.   Another life flight symbolically.

In the Temple miracles opened up as we were surrounded by young sister missionaries.   I realized as I was sitting behind a large group of them, that their mothers would absolutely love to be were I was at that moment glimpsing their daughter's experiences.  I have so wanted to know what Madie is doing and see glimpses of her mission.  I can say that in extraordinary ways I have known that her influence is tangible here to individuals as they have shared experiences with feeling her help.  I too have felt her working with me and helping me at times.  I call them my Madie hello's, and yet I wish they were more tangible. I miss the physical connection, hearing her voice, seeing her play with her hair, or bite her nails as she is deep in thought.  I miss her laugh!

 Crazy how we always want what we don't have instead of focusing on what we do.  

As the session started I felt incredibly grateful to be there with Eleah experiencing the Temple so early in the morning. What I hadn't expected was that I would be seeing a new movie.  It had things from the very beginning that brought me to tears.  It was so incredibly beautiful.  It appealed to all of my senses, and tears flowed freely.  As it progressed I realized why it was so special.  It was being created during the last moments of Madie's life and into the period of time after she died. So many aspects reminded me of her.  I couldn't contain my tears.  They were from so many different emotions.  Tears of gratitude, tears of longing, tears of realizing that she isn't so far away, tears of wanting to turn back the clock, yet knowing I need to move forward. 

Beautiful sacred moments happened, as I thought about each girl in front of me and how much their mothers missed them.  I missed my girl too, but knew she is often seen by my own mother and mother in law.  She's busy, doing Heavenly Father's work.


 Eleah and I were the last to enter the Celestial room, and as I walked in there was a girl sitting in a chair right by the door.  She was sobbing, and I felt the need to sit in a chair next to her and put my arm around her.  We sat there for awhile and I had the impression repeatedly to tell her this was from her mother.  I was concerned that it might be taken wrong but eventually she looked up and I told her. We visited and she told me about herself.  She's from Australia, and has been out for about 3 months. A beautiful Samoan girl.   She told me how much her mother misses her, that she has 2 other sisters serving missions right now as well, and that her mother carries their baby clothes around and smells them.  I thought, oh another mother's heart so lonely for her daughters. We discussed how there's opposition in everything.  It's part of the mortal journey..  When we experience pain of any kind it humbles us and helps us realize how much we take for granted when we are feeling good.   I believe when our natural instincts are being stretched, whether it's we are hungry, angry,  sad or in pain, in those times our physical body is weak but our spirits are becoming buff.  That is when we grow.  When we feel better again, we often forget our spirits, and neglect them.

So today was a getting buff day.  Last week when I had a headache over a 4 day time period my spirit was getting buff, as I continued to try to forget the pain, as many great experiences were happening, one of which was Taylor Jones was baptized and confirmed. what a miracle around this experience.

Madie and Taylor were in kindergarten together and attended each other's birthday parties that year.  I remember Madie telling me about Taylor because she thought it was so cool that there was a girl in her class with the same name as her older brother.  That was the end of them having a class together and then a few years later Taylor went to a catholic school and then later moved and went to High School with Sawyer, and was in ROTC with him.  After Madie died a friend of Taylor's texted her that Sawyer's girlfriend was killed in a car accident, and she was in a pretty difficult place at that time but was curious about who his girlfriend was and through facebook figured out it was this girl from her kindergarten class.  She found my blog and eventually reached out to me last April, and through messaging we discussed her rediscovering a belief in God.  I felt impressed to ask her if she had ever thought about learning more about our church, and told her about mormon .org and lds.org.  She replied that she had thought about visiting our church sometime, and eventually decided to be taught by the missionaries.  What a great experience it has been for me to be a part of that and to feel of Heavenly Father's love for her.  We had several discussions in my home with the sister missionaries, and then I left for a 19 day vacation with my family.  On returning her baptism was scheduled  and I was asked to speak about the Holy Ghost.  Since so much of everything about my connection to Taylor had been through personal promptings, it made the talk unique because I learned so much about the Holy Ghost working with her.  There were times when I literally felt like heaven opened up to my mind and I knew things about her worth that were so tender to my heart. I knew that ever ounce of pain I had experienced since losing Madie was worth it to bring Taylor to an understanding of Heavenly Father's great love for her and how much Jesus Christ was aware of her and loved her.  I knew that Madie was working with me, and that she and I were companions in a way.  Sacred experiences that I hope in recording will help others on their personal journeys and struggles.

Saturday and again Sunday during the baptism I felt an outpouring of the spirit speaking to me as I continually tried to redirect my focus from the physical pain in my head, to the spiritual "buffing up" that was taking place. As the headache went away yesterday I realized how grateful I was to have a day to get things done when I felt no pain in my head.  I realized how much more I need to express gratitude when I don't have physical pain instead of taking it for granted.

Last of all my new friend, took a picture with me outside the Temple and told me she was going to write me every week because I was her mother in America.   I couldn't help but reflect on a quote that I had recently come across.

God loves broken things....

The past two months have been a personal healing time for me on a physical, spiritual, and emotional basis.  As I have pulled myself up from the ashes of this experience, I have recently recalled the experience that happened nine months ago that I blogged about "I am Grateful" 
 I reread it and knew the answers I was seeking were right there. 

That said, I have also realized that I am somehow stronger because of what I have gone through during this very difficult couple of months.  I have learned that I can have disappointments, that I can feel broken and that I will still be faced with the choice, of will this break you or make you?  

 I've come to understand that God loves broken things.
He breaks clouds into rain, and then the promised rainbow.  
He breaks soil, and the grain becomes wheat that is broken into bread.
He breaks our hearts, because in our brokenness we have a choice that can bring us to him...

I recently went through Madie's 20th birthday with healing moments surrounding it. I captured this picture early on her 20th birthday, May 20th,2014. 

 I saw so much symbolism that morning!  The golden sunrise on her golden birthday, the birds that danced around me, the M the wings made on this bird. Several groups of 8 birds flying in a row that symbolized one for each letter of her name, M A D E L I N E

Galveston was a perfect place for finding some answers that I needed, it was the last place Madie wanted to go before she left for BYU, and where we spent many family moments during her growing up years.

 I recalled on that personal historic day,(her 20th birthday and 18 month anniversary) that I had in my heart before she died already come to terms with giving her to the Lord for 18 months while she served a mission that she was preparing for. 

 As I struggled with her decision to serve a mission, and not seeing her for 18 months, and little contact during that time period, I had decided I would  consecrate my personal desires, so she could serve him. I was turning my will over to him, and setting her free, because I already was struggling with her just being away at BYU. It was a deep personal sacrifice I was preparing for.

 I had no clue what was around the corner...

 As I realized that her 20th birthday was also the 18 month anniversary of her death, and that was the time I had agreed to in my heart before she died, I came to understand that really the rest of my life was my complete consecration of my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father.

 It's like something changed in moving past the 18 month mark. 

 It became sacred 

 I wanted to somehow change my heart from the complaining spirit of 

"Why do I have to do this?"

to 

"Okay I am willing to walk this path"

and

"I trust this will be for my good"  

This has brought a peace that I haven't been able to find since she died. 
 I am striving to be the consecrated daughter of God that I was born to become, 

 and somehow this understanding has turned the tide....

Do I miss her? 

There are no words... But this is how I envision she would look serving the mission she was called on, a mission I wish I could see...

Getting accountable, thoughts on how to proceed from where I am...

I find that some of the time it is in becoming accountable for the addictions or issues that I struggle with that helps me actually do something about them.  I finally opened up as is slightly evident in my last blog post that I was out of control with my eating.  To be honest it has been the biggest area of my life, that and spending money, that I have had complete reckless abandonment in since Madie died.  So I told a couple of friends how bad I was really doing in those areas, and in doing so I think it helped me to realized I had someone to be accountable to besides myself, because I have over and over just let myself down in both areas.  It has become a vicious cycle of "you can do this JoLynn, to ya well maybe later."  When I am faced with something to buy that I may or may not need, or something to eat that seems fun.  It is weird to have such a new life that I am trying to control, and often finding that the addictions are the things that gives me some kind of pleasure when days are stale.  I have tried to figure out where I can put some passion.  As many know I have found purpose in helping with costumes for MarShae's shows, but when the need to help is over I found myself very empty of purpose.  I realized that I didn't have a purpose in being at the school, and so it was time for me to fade until I was needed in some way again, or just found something else to do.  I have found at least at this point that anything that isn't involving one of my children and having a connection there has been hard for me to find much passion in.  I guess that would be because I have spent my adult life trying to support raising children that are developing their talents, and how to be good people that help society.  I also for whatever reason, and there are many but it would involve a very long story, I struggle greatly with connecting to my kids during junior high school.  It is because of issues I personally experienced, and  hard as I try it's difficult for me.  I seem to enjoy the early years and the high school years more.

Anyways accountability... I decided that more important then food being something that made me feel happy (even temporarily) that the effects were a two edged sword.  Loathing myself and my lack of self discipline. I also realize that it was only hurting myself, no one else would blame me or care too incredibly much if I did continue to gain weight.  I finally decided that enough was enough. ( here's hoping to have success and realizing it will take a lot of focused effort)  The problem is how to do this in a way that I won't feel like I have taken the last thing away from me that is constant and brings me happiness.  So weird, but it's the truth and I don't believe I am alone in this dilemma.
 No, my guess is there are others who are here, or have been here in their lives.   My feeling is that we live in a world of being very disconnected from each other, and in so doing often the addictions are the thing that is constant in our life.  Unfortunately we often isolate from others feeling that the addiction is the one thing we can count on.  Food, shopping, gaming, television, social media all play into a world of disconnected people.  Busyness has become the way of life for so many and the ones who aren't find addictions to fill the empty place in their heart.  Accepting this is my first step out.  I have to be proactive because the path of least resistance is spiraling out of control.
So my game plan is...

 I decided that I would start by limiting my desserts to only one a day, and being accountable to a friend on that.  We walk at times together and so I thought that is a start.  I don't want to take all the fun of food away, but I need to figure out a way to not gain 100 pounds because of losing Madie.  I can see that in 5 years it is what I could be facing,and that would be awful for me personally.  I already struggle but am accepting that I have used food since she died to give me some sort of comfort and enjoyment and it has been fun.  Now to face hunger again.  I am on day two of limited desserts and not being full most of the day from about noon on.  Before regardless of what I had eaten through out the day I would take a dish of ice cream to bed with me because I deserved the reward of getting through another day. The problem is the scales just don't lie, and facing the truth is difficult at best.Tanking off at nights with a dish of ice cream in bed.  Yes that is what has been happening,   I have to find it within myself to be willing to hurt inside, emotionally, with hunger, or at least not satisfaction that the food has brought.  It has felt good, but at the same time it has been very hard, because I haven't had the treat to give me the momentary endorphin release, or well that was nice and I deserve it, because Madie died.  How many times that has crossed my mind as I have been eating over the past 17 months.
That said as I was visiting with someone today she pointed out a very interesting thing that I had completely not been factoring in.  That of not loving myself, and asked me the very obvious question of where those feelings are coming from.  It was really good to realize that I have been allowing satan to add guilt and disgust to my heap of burdens that I already am carrying.  I had an ah ha moment as I realized that I had forgotten how much my Heavenly Father loves me and my Savior jesus Christ, and the way I have been talking to myself I wouldn't talk to anyone that way.  It was beneficial to say, "ok, so you want to get a handle on this.  that's a good idea so that you don't add health issues to your burdens. BUT, you need to love yourself regardless, try to envision the other side and how they are seeing you.  Also that I need to work to not let Madie dying, canker the rest of me.  So lots of good things.  I am again starting over, isn't it what we do all the time, and realizing that my Savior isn't saying, "Seriously JoLynn, when are you going to be as strong as you used to be?"  No he is seeing me with love and compassion and I need to do the same for myself.

So if anyone wants to join me on this journey of connecting to people rather then food,  let me know.  I do believe that it is in accountability to at least one other person that it gives a strength that is missing.  I have also pleaded in prayer to have help to rise above this.  It isn't the first time I have asked but maybe with a bit more resolve right now. 
  I realize that  Madie will always be a part of my life, I may never understand why I had to lose her, but somehow I have to go on.   The last question I've been pondering is will I choose to live with her memory as a spring of gratitude, or a fountain of bitterness?
I have found the battle to be real, and exhausting, because the pain isn't something that can be measured, or medicated, and I have to continue to get back on the path of gratitude, because the bitterness is all encompassing, and even though at times I feel I have the right, it isn't how I want to define the rest of my life. with bitterness I am losing sight of my Savior's outstretched arms, encouraging me and cheering me on. 

This picture helped me see that joy is available, through continuing to watch my children grow as their lives move on.

Last of all part of what helped me really look at myself and get real was watching this video.  I've listened to it 3 times in the past few days and it's amazing!

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/are-you-sleeping-through-the-restoration?lang=eng&media=video#watch=video

Easter and 17 months April 20, 2014

I awoke at 3 a.m. thinking.... wondering where the sanity is in death and being left behind.  Realizing the importance of today, Easter Sunday, and yet also realizing that it is the 17 month anniversary, and feeling lost.  I can't explain it, it just feels like being in a dream that continues day after day, wishing I could wake up, and yet knowing that death is the only thing that will release me from this dream, accepting that this is my new reality.

Yes enough time has passed that I no longer wake startled at the idea of Madie being gone.  No, there's a heaviness that I carry around with me in all consciousness. I pray regularly to help me just handle it.  It seems like so much work.
 I feel in many ways as I observe Larry and myself that we are in a pattern of self destruct.  Not like "let me see how quickly I can die", no let me see if I abandon being responsible and taking care of myself as a person should,  then will I eventually get released from this life?  I heard Larry leave our bedroom as I woke up at 3 a.m. thinking he probably has a  headache or at least body aches that he often has Sunday mornings.  Why?  Because he literally abuses himself doing as much as he can all week long, then pushing Saturdays to the limits.  He then collapses and can hardly move on Sundays, never complaining just recuperating.

As for me, I am just eating myself into I don't know what.  Every day I tell myself "okay today just eat when you are hungry."  That works for awhile because I don't eat until I am hungry but then boredom sets in as the day drags on and food has become my companion that never fails me.  It's pitiful to see me going down this path.  Again from my last post, an infant with no ability to turn off the pain, meaning I cry and food comforts me temporarily.

 Madie, you probably don't believe what has happened to me,

 it is so weird....

I used to talk to you about having an eating disorder when I was younger and how I had turned a weakness into a strength. It was the mother you knew.   So how all these years later is my lack of control in this area completely gone?
 I've discovered that grief has taken me to a lower place then I ever thought I could exist through, and then it takes me lower.  Do I understand what's happening?  Yes,  and yet the food has become my friend.  It is always there for me when I feel  alone.  This sounds like I don't have a friend in the world, and that isn't the case, but I respect that friends have lives that are busy and I am stuck in trying to figure out what to do with my life.

 Are people great? 

Yes! 

 Do they support me?

 Again yes. 
I have seen the best in people finding ways to reach out,

yet there is so much time that I spend just lost in my own world of nothing to motivate me. 

 I have been reading lately trying to see if I can get lost in books.  It is so weird, while reading I can see through all the lack of understanding that some author is trying to write about, it feels so fake. 

 I know probably not the right books, but I keep looking for something that is going to help me find some passion, that isn't dependant on one of my kids or someone else. I want to be emotionally healthy and not just trading one coping skill for another. I sometimes wonder where I will be in 5 years, or 10. 

 I can't even imagine if I don't figure out a way off of this path.

To offset the mind game and inability to go back to sleep, I spent time pondering this morning on Easter, watched a beautiful video on Christ, and shed some more tears.  I am so grateful for his life and death. Grateful seems inadequate to express what it means to me personally that he broke the bands of death.  Yet, it doesn't take away the pain of just living without Madie.  The sting of death is such an oxymoron. 

 I always believed that Christ took away the pain of death, that because of him, it would be manageable.  Well that has proved to be a fallacy, either that or I am failing miserably.  Christ took away the absolute horror and hopelessness of never being with Madie again, and yet I hurt in ways that continue on and on and seems to have no end.  The sting of death is still very real for me.  She is gone for the rest of my time here on earth.  This feels like a horrible way to exist, and yet it is my responsibility to find my way through this, nobody can really do this for me.  So much of the time my life feels empty.  There have been some great moments but much of my time is spent contemplating life and what it now is, and that comes up with more unanswered questions then answered ones.  It feels very devoid of contentment, just existing...  

Last of all as I have spent much of this writing complaining, I want to end with gratitude.  It has always been my ticket to some kind of peace.  That and trying to enjoy whatever comes along that breaks up the monotony.  I find at times I am like a prickly cactus.  I am hurt, and tired of working so hard, and I don't always respond in kind ways.  Sometimes I just feel like everyone is busy and yet want to make time for me, but I find so much alone time, and that gets, challenging at best.  So here's to remembering!  I am grateful for all that is amazing in my life.  It's imperative that I remember because it helps balance the pain of the loss.  Yes I have some really great kids, that bring happy moments.  I have adorable grandkids, and that is such a gift, and I also have wonderful friends, who continue to find time in their hectic lives to spend time with me.  It is hard for me to reach out to others, cause to be honest I don't think many people have as much time to do nothing as I do, and because of that I tend to not want to bother people.  It is part of the challenge I face.   The whole social life is just messed up.  I wouldn't have understood why without going through this.  Anyways, enough of a pity party!
 I am grateful for my Savior and that he loves me, and that I know that I can talk to him and ask for help regardless of the time of day or night.  I don't always feel immediate relief, but I find in time usually within the day, that I start to feel better. This picture I took early this morning spoke to me.  I feel like I am the dead tree and Christ is the light.  I am still standing, but needing the light to heal me.

I spent a couple of hours here today, pondering on how to move ahead in a positive way...

Easter fun at the end of the day with my kids and grandkids...

Major breakthrough, some much needed insights....

I have struggled over and over lately, and really over the past year with how hard it is for me to be the person I used to be.  I have repeatedly stated that I died the day Madie died, but really I didn't, and really I remember who I was before. 
 So why do I struggle so much with simple things that I did without thinking before?  
I have analyzed this over and over and have come up with reasons for many things, but not really something that helped me give myself an emotional break and not be so hard on my lack of productivity.
 Hard to admit, but even not wanting to take care of myself, basically wishing with all my heart that I had a mother that could sweep in and help me till I feel like I am on top of my life again.  And yet I don't and won't. That is one of the hardest things for me, my mother dying the year before Madie.

 I have really been asking myself the hard questions, about rejection that are deeply rooted in my past.  About why I isolate, about why I don't reach out for help.  I know pride is part of the reason, wanting to be self sufficient, not wanting to burden others, wanting relationships to be genuine not out of guilt or pity. 

 I feel I have made good progress over the past few days and gotten myself in a shower that was long overdue, admitted to some people that I was deeply struggling, but the lightbulb moment came last Friday morning as I was walking and telling a friend about where I have really been lately.  Not the glossed over kind of transparent that I have shared publicly.  No, I mean the deep agonizing place of loathing myself for how lazy I am and how disconnected from a purpose I feel.  I have realized some of it is a life change that has been coming on since before Madie died. 
 I will be an empty nester in a  few years.  I have spent the past 32 years being a mother with children with needs and most of those children need me very rarely now.

This has been difficult to have at the same time I am grieving and feeling so unproductive still 16  months out. Then the lightbulb came on...

To understand I must share an experience from when Madie was an infant. 

 I was working with the 14 and 15 year old girls at church and had a swimming activity with them.  I brought Madie because she was just a few months old.  Because it was hot I had her in the pool with me in a tube that she slipped into a swim suit to be in.  I used her as an object lesson with these teenage girls concerning boys, and their natural desires to be attracted to them.  I was trying to make a point as to why it is good to wait to date until they are at least 16.  I likened their stage of life to the same stage that Madie was in.  She loved the water, she wanted to splash and play in it.  But she was an infant with no understanding of the dangers that the water could present if she wasn't closely watched. 

Camping with Madie as an infant,
 she loved the water from the beginning of her life!

 I then asked the girls how long they had  existed.  
We discussed that we don't really know, but we do know we were spirit children before we came to earth.  Our Heavenly Father not only created us but taught us and prepared us to come to earth and learn with a mortal body.  I then asked "how long have you had feelings of attraction to guys?"  Maybe a couple of years, but not a really long time and for some of them it was very new and recent.  So with that I asked "Can you see that you are really "infants" then in the whole boy/ girl attraction thing?"  It was a powerful moment. 

Still being safe, but in new territory (infancy) on a date...

What I realized Friday morning, is Heavenly Father sees my life right now in the same way.  I might be in my 50's with lots of life experiences, but I haven't ever in my lifetime had to experience the emotions, devastation and feelings that accompany losing a child, and also losing the needed place in mothering that I have had for all of my adult life.

 No wonder I feel like an infant,

 I seriously am!  

No wonder I feel like I need someone to take care of me...

 I do!  

No wonder on top of missing Madeline, 

 I miss my mother so incredibly much!  

My mom was the one who always helped me when I didn't know how to manage the infancy experiences of life. 

This insight finally gave me the green light....

 "It's okay if you don't clean your house, cook healthy meals,  take regular showers, or take care of all that you used to do without thinking, you are an infant!  

God isn't rejecting my efforts!

He isn't thinking,

 "oh you pathetic girl, why can't you get your act together!"   Instead he understands, and loves me in spit of how much I am not doing that I have always found the ability to do by now when I am struggling with a loss or issue of being overwhelmed.  He is teaching me about what happens to people when they don't look like an infant but truly are.

 It gave me permission to let myself learn to crawl, walk, then run... To quit being so hard on myself, an understanding that only the spirit can bring, and for this I am grateful!

(I wrote this on April 4th, then enjoyed General Conference April 5th and 6th.) 
Conference brought needed insights and encouragement. 

 Some favorite quotes:

"There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings...we are eternal beings.  There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."
"How much of life do we miss by waiting for the rainbow before thanking God that there is Rain?"-Dieter F. Uchtdorf 

Is the load I am carrying providing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ.... and avoid getting stuck?  Sometimes we mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of a load [of care]" -David Bednar

"This life is our 4-minute olympic event" -Gary E. Stevenson 

Once any of us conclude-
 'That's just the way I am, we give up our ability to change.  We might as well raise the white flag, put down our weapons, concede the battle and just surrender- any prospect of winning is lost... 
WHO WE ARE IS NOT WHO WE CAN BECOME!" - Donald Hallstrom

Referring to the Savior,
 "Realize how close he is willing to come, and how far he is willing to go." -Thomas S. Monson 


Last of all I wanted to share a video  about my 4th great grandfather John Tanner.  After watching this I thought "I can't let him down, he had faith that way surpassed mine."
I like to think that he and other ancestors are pulling for me, trying to help me make it through this dark period of my life.

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2010-07-139-treasure-in-heaven-the-john-tanner-story?lang=eng

Bitter disappointments.....

MarShe has a line in her UIL One Act Play that unsettles me... 

"All life's a bitter disappointment!"

Last week was full of many mixed experiences that brought a plethora of emotions. I have grieved during many moments that surfaced.  I sometimes want to glaze over them and not write about them, and yet I have come to realize that I can't remember very much of specifics that have happened since Madie died.  I remember big things but mostly a big fog of time passing.  I am grateful when I read my blog  to remember experiences and for that reason I am recording some of what has happened this week and  what I've learned in the process. 

No judgment please...

 It is what it is.

 I have agonized over whether to share this publicly. I decided if it helps someone else, then sharing it has served one of my main purposes behind my blog.

SO.....

Tommy Tune nominations were a bitter disappointment for me personally.  Even so I  learned some valuable lessons through the process and was very proud of MarShae and how she handled her personal disappointment for the show and for herself.  I learned again that life isn't fair according to what I want to see happen! 
If it were then Madie would still be here! 

 Is it really fair to bury a child? 

 Fair is something we teach children so that they learn to be less self centered...  It's really just a personal perspective because what is fair to one person may seem completely unfair to another.  That concept has been  liberating to really grasp that fair is an illusion at best.  I also found that the disappointment of Klein's nominations had several personal daggers for me.  I had worked hard on costumes, and while I would normally be so happy that we were nominated for costumes, I felt guilty that my help brought a nomination, and yet my child who had worked much harder then I, didn't get one.  I get it too, it's completely a flawed system on many levels. The first being it's the Arts, and that leaves every competition to opinions and preferences. Second, different judges judging different schools.
Even so, somewhere in my twisted brain I believed because we had lost Madie that somehow carma would work and we wouldn't ever have to have a major disappointment again. Another illusion shattered.
 I observed that MarShae was able to bounce back quicker then I was.  I felt guilty that I couldn't just accept it easily and beat myself up because it was such a personal struggle, my mother bear was all over the place, and yet she after a brief period of time was fine.
 As I pondered on why I realized that it brought up past experiences from when I was around her age and had a bitter disappointment from my own competing.  As I pondered on how hard it was for me at 19 to experience I remembered how much I learned.  I wanted to give up and never compete again.  I felt that it was useless and that I could spent months preparing only to have the same outcome.  As I went through that year I realized that if I didn't go back I would never know if that was the time when my 12 year goal would finally happen.  After months of agonizing I decided that I would return but went in with no expectations, just did my best and let the chips fall as they would.  As it happened I ended up winning and reaching that 12 year goal.  It was the most exciting moment of my life up to that point!
  So why even talk about this now?
   It was this experience that I drew from when I lost my 4th pregnancy in my second trimester, as I was determining if I would try again to get that last child that I felt wanted to come to our home.  This child had haunted my prayers and thought process for  4 years, losing 2 pregnancies after MarShae.  As I struggled with whether to try again, I remembered  the heartache of being a 19 year old who wasn't sure I could handle another disappointment.   And yet the outcome was so joyous, and remembering that experience was why I determined to try again.  I realized that if I tried again and the child made it then all the losses would be worth the personal sacrifices.  
That child would be my precious daughter Marielle. I have often felt she was my test of faith, my walk into the dark, not knowing the outcome.

 My personal miracle...

This experience and the loss of all those pregnancies taught me so much about grief.   They provided a road map of understanding certain things I could never do if I didn't want losing Madie to destroy me. 

 The first I knew immediately.  

It was my only goal ever day the first year;

 to get out of bed. 

 I knew that if I stayed there or in the chair that I spent months in while grieving previously, that the depression would be severe and I may not survive it. 
I also knew that I would learn more then I could through any other loss.  This has proved to be true. It also is liberating to realize that nothing will ever be this horrific to survive again.
 I hope God doesn't show me otherwise....
I have learned that I can expose my weaknesses and not worry about what others may think or how they might judge me.  When you lose a child there are things that happen instantly, one being petty things don't matter like they used to.  Another for me has been to try and bring down some of the barriers that come with traumatic loss hoping to help the process for others.  Whatever that loss may be;  death, divorce, abuse, a child rebelling, disease or illness. Accompanying the loss is a social repositioning, that brings uncomfortable moments for every side. It also brings a shift in your life and the lives of those who are affected that is permanent, and yet each person struggles to find who they now are. I have seen that some members of my family are more resilient then others.  

Oh how this journaling regressed, so back to the past week.  

There were divergent moments.  Moments when I saw myself dig deep asking the hard questions.  Realizing that so much of what MarShae does makes me feel like I have a piece of Madie still.  There are many things they loved in common and they had very similar nuances.  Wondering where I will find passion when she has left home?
  Knowing I have to set MarShae free, is personally stifling after 
losing the last child right after she left home...  
 Realizing I might be faced with losing Madie in a different way as I lose MarShae to her life progressing.  Scary questions, grateful for another year to heal before I am facing this. Understanding it isn't fair to either of my girls left to take care of my emotional needs...
Hard questions...

So some happy moments...

 MarShae was able to sing for Aaron Carter. 

He thought she was amazing, and stated wouldn't change a thing about her performance!

 MarShae also competed in Klein's One Act Play which is like being in March Madness for high school theater.  They had their first round of competition and it was fierce.  Five incredible plays, very different from each other and only 2 could go on to the next round of competition which is District. 
 I seriously went in with no expectations, only hoping the cast would feel good about their performance regardless of the judges decision.  Well I was blown away happy when MarShae was awarded best actress of the night,

 Even more exciting was Klein's play advanced.  

Was it fair? 

 Well completely for me, but I imagine it didn't seem fair to other participants, teachers, and parents  who had also worked very hard and didn't move on. 

If that wasn't enough though I also had the 16th month anniversary, reminding me that time is passing, and it has been so incredibly long since the accident. I shed tears all week long, that felt very connected to losing Madie, and the unfairness of life...

Oh how I miss everything about her....

Larry and I also had our 33rd anniversary that happened to fall on the night of MarShae's One Act Play competition.  It was so weird because all day long I couldn't remember anything about our anniversary the year before.  

Nothing!

 again the fog...

I ended the week taking Marielle on a date to see the movie Divergent and out to eat afterwards.

We had a great time!

  I know that if I asked her if life was fair, she would say no.

 The truth is it never is. 

Going into this weeks District competition I am trusting that whatever happens will be the experiences that will help all of those involved. Easier said then done, but trusting God in his infinite wisdom in all things understanding that how we respond to all that happens in life is the real test....