Getting accountable, thoughts on how to proceed from where I am...

I find that some of the time it is in becoming accountable for the addictions or issues that I struggle with that helps me actually do something about them.  I finally opened up as is slightly evident in my last blog post that I was out of control with my eating.  To be honest it has been the biggest area of my life, that and spending money, that I have had complete reckless abandonment in since Madie died.  So I told a couple of friends how bad I was really doing in those areas, and in doing so I think it helped me to realized I had someone to be accountable to besides myself, because I have over and over just let myself down in both areas.  It has become a vicious cycle of "you can do this JoLynn, to ya well maybe later."  When I am faced with something to buy that I may or may not need, or something to eat that seems fun.  It is weird to have such a new life that I am trying to control, and often finding that the addictions are the things that gives me some kind of pleasure when days are stale.  I have tried to figure out where I can put some passion.  As many know I have found purpose in helping with costumes for MarShae's shows, but when the need to help is over I found myself very empty of purpose.  I realized that I didn't have a purpose in being at the school, and so it was time for me to fade until I was needed in some way again, or just found something else to do.  I have found at least at this point that anything that isn't involving one of my children and having a connection there has been hard for me to find much passion in.  I guess that would be because I have spent my adult life trying to support raising children that are developing their talents, and how to be good people that help society.  I also for whatever reason, and there are many but it would involve a very long story, I struggle greatly with connecting to my kids during junior high school.  It is because of issues I personally experienced, and  hard as I try it's difficult for me.  I seem to enjoy the early years and the high school years more.

Anyways accountability... I decided that more important then food being something that made me feel happy (even temporarily) that the effects were a two edged sword.  Loathing myself and my lack of self discipline. I also realize that it was only hurting myself, no one else would blame me or care too incredibly much if I did continue to gain weight.  I finally decided that enough was enough. ( here's hoping to have success and realizing it will take a lot of focused effort)  The problem is how to do this in a way that I won't feel like I have taken the last thing away from me that is constant and brings me happiness.  So weird, but it's the truth and I don't believe I am alone in this dilemma.
 No, my guess is there are others who are here, or have been here in their lives.   My feeling is that we live in a world of being very disconnected from each other, and in so doing often the addictions are the thing that is constant in our life.  Unfortunately we often isolate from others feeling that the addiction is the one thing we can count on.  Food, shopping, gaming, television, social media all play into a world of disconnected people.  Busyness has become the way of life for so many and the ones who aren't find addictions to fill the empty place in their heart.  Accepting this is my first step out.  I have to be proactive because the path of least resistance is spiraling out of control.
So my game plan is...

 I decided that I would start by limiting my desserts to only one a day, and being accountable to a friend on that.  We walk at times together and so I thought that is a start.  I don't want to take all the fun of food away, but I need to figure out a way to not gain 100 pounds because of losing Madie.  I can see that in 5 years it is what I could be facing,and that would be awful for me personally.  I already struggle but am accepting that I have used food since she died to give me some sort of comfort and enjoyment and it has been fun.  Now to face hunger again.  I am on day two of limited desserts and not being full most of the day from about noon on.  Before regardless of what I had eaten through out the day I would take a dish of ice cream to bed with me because I deserved the reward of getting through another day. The problem is the scales just don't lie, and facing the truth is difficult at best.Tanking off at nights with a dish of ice cream in bed.  Yes that is what has been happening,   I have to find it within myself to be willing to hurt inside, emotionally, with hunger, or at least not satisfaction that the food has brought.  It has felt good, but at the same time it has been very hard, because I haven't had the treat to give me the momentary endorphin release, or well that was nice and I deserve it, because Madie died.  How many times that has crossed my mind as I have been eating over the past 17 months.
That said as I was visiting with someone today she pointed out a very interesting thing that I had completely not been factoring in.  That of not loving myself, and asked me the very obvious question of where those feelings are coming from.  It was really good to realize that I have been allowing satan to add guilt and disgust to my heap of burdens that I already am carrying.  I had an ah ha moment as I realized that I had forgotten how much my Heavenly Father loves me and my Savior jesus Christ, and the way I have been talking to myself I wouldn't talk to anyone that way.  It was beneficial to say, "ok, so you want to get a handle on this.  that's a good idea so that you don't add health issues to your burdens. BUT, you need to love yourself regardless, try to envision the other side and how they are seeing you.  Also that I need to work to not let Madie dying, canker the rest of me.  So lots of good things.  I am again starting over, isn't it what we do all the time, and realizing that my Savior isn't saying, "Seriously JoLynn, when are you going to be as strong as you used to be?"  No he is seeing me with love and compassion and I need to do the same for myself.

So if anyone wants to join me on this journey of connecting to people rather then food,  let me know.  I do believe that it is in accountability to at least one other person that it gives a strength that is missing.  I have also pleaded in prayer to have help to rise above this.  It isn't the first time I have asked but maybe with a bit more resolve right now. 
  I realize that  Madie will always be a part of my life, I may never understand why I had to lose her, but somehow I have to go on.   The last question I've been pondering is will I choose to live with her memory as a spring of gratitude, or a fountain of bitterness?
I have found the battle to be real, and exhausting, because the pain isn't something that can be measured, or medicated, and I have to continue to get back on the path of gratitude, because the bitterness is all encompassing, and even though at times I feel I have the right, it isn't how I want to define the rest of my life. with bitterness I am losing sight of my Savior's outstretched arms, encouraging me and cheering me on. 

This picture helped me see that joy is available, through continuing to watch my children grow as their lives move on.

Last of all part of what helped me really look at myself and get real was watching this video.  I've listened to it 3 times in the past few days and it's amazing!

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/are-you-sleeping-through-the-restoration?lang=eng&media=video#watch=video