Bitter disappointments.....

MarShe has a line in her UIL One Act Play that unsettles me... 

"All life's a bitter disappointment!"

Last week was full of many mixed experiences that brought a plethora of emotions. I have grieved during many moments that surfaced.  I sometimes want to glaze over them and not write about them, and yet I have come to realize that I can't remember very much of specifics that have happened since Madie died.  I remember big things but mostly a big fog of time passing.  I am grateful when I read my blog  to remember experiences and for that reason I am recording some of what has happened this week and  what I've learned in the process. 

No judgment please...

 It is what it is.

 I have agonized over whether to share this publicly. I decided if it helps someone else, then sharing it has served one of my main purposes behind my blog.

SO.....

Tommy Tune nominations were a bitter disappointment for me personally.  Even so I  learned some valuable lessons through the process and was very proud of MarShae and how she handled her personal disappointment for the show and for herself.  I learned again that life isn't fair according to what I want to see happen! 
If it were then Madie would still be here! 

 Is it really fair to bury a child? 

 Fair is something we teach children so that they learn to be less self centered...  It's really just a personal perspective because what is fair to one person may seem completely unfair to another.  That concept has been  liberating to really grasp that fair is an illusion at best.  I also found that the disappointment of Klein's nominations had several personal daggers for me.  I had worked hard on costumes, and while I would normally be so happy that we were nominated for costumes, I felt guilty that my help brought a nomination, and yet my child who had worked much harder then I, didn't get one.  I get it too, it's completely a flawed system on many levels. The first being it's the Arts, and that leaves every competition to opinions and preferences. Second, different judges judging different schools.
Even so, somewhere in my twisted brain I believed because we had lost Madie that somehow carma would work and we wouldn't ever have to have a major disappointment again. Another illusion shattered.
 I observed that MarShae was able to bounce back quicker then I was.  I felt guilty that I couldn't just accept it easily and beat myself up because it was such a personal struggle, my mother bear was all over the place, and yet she after a brief period of time was fine.
 As I pondered on why I realized that it brought up past experiences from when I was around her age and had a bitter disappointment from my own competing.  As I pondered on how hard it was for me at 19 to experience I remembered how much I learned.  I wanted to give up and never compete again.  I felt that it was useless and that I could spent months preparing only to have the same outcome.  As I went through that year I realized that if I didn't go back I would never know if that was the time when my 12 year goal would finally happen.  After months of agonizing I decided that I would return but went in with no expectations, just did my best and let the chips fall as they would.  As it happened I ended up winning and reaching that 12 year goal.  It was the most exciting moment of my life up to that point!
  So why even talk about this now?
   It was this experience that I drew from when I lost my 4th pregnancy in my second trimester, as I was determining if I would try again to get that last child that I felt wanted to come to our home.  This child had haunted my prayers and thought process for  4 years, losing 2 pregnancies after MarShae.  As I struggled with whether to try again, I remembered  the heartache of being a 19 year old who wasn't sure I could handle another disappointment.   And yet the outcome was so joyous, and remembering that experience was why I determined to try again.  I realized that if I tried again and the child made it then all the losses would be worth the personal sacrifices.  
That child would be my precious daughter Marielle. I have often felt she was my test of faith, my walk into the dark, not knowing the outcome.

 My personal miracle...

This experience and the loss of all those pregnancies taught me so much about grief.   They provided a road map of understanding certain things I could never do if I didn't want losing Madie to destroy me. 

 The first I knew immediately.  

It was my only goal ever day the first year;

 to get out of bed. 

 I knew that if I stayed there or in the chair that I spent months in while grieving previously, that the depression would be severe and I may not survive it. 
I also knew that I would learn more then I could through any other loss.  This has proved to be true. It also is liberating to realize that nothing will ever be this horrific to survive again.
 I hope God doesn't show me otherwise....
I have learned that I can expose my weaknesses and not worry about what others may think or how they might judge me.  When you lose a child there are things that happen instantly, one being petty things don't matter like they used to.  Another for me has been to try and bring down some of the barriers that come with traumatic loss hoping to help the process for others.  Whatever that loss may be;  death, divorce, abuse, a child rebelling, disease or illness. Accompanying the loss is a social repositioning, that brings uncomfortable moments for every side. It also brings a shift in your life and the lives of those who are affected that is permanent, and yet each person struggles to find who they now are. I have seen that some members of my family are more resilient then others.  

Oh how this journaling regressed, so back to the past week.  

There were divergent moments.  Moments when I saw myself dig deep asking the hard questions.  Realizing that so much of what MarShae does makes me feel like I have a piece of Madie still.  There are many things they loved in common and they had very similar nuances.  Wondering where I will find passion when she has left home?
  Knowing I have to set MarShae free, is personally stifling after 
losing the last child right after she left home...  
 Realizing I might be faced with losing Madie in a different way as I lose MarShae to her life progressing.  Scary questions, grateful for another year to heal before I am facing this. Understanding it isn't fair to either of my girls left to take care of my emotional needs...
Hard questions...

So some happy moments...

 MarShae was able to sing for Aaron Carter. 

He thought she was amazing, and stated wouldn't change a thing about her performance!

 MarShae also competed in Klein's One Act Play which is like being in March Madness for high school theater.  They had their first round of competition and it was fierce.  Five incredible plays, very different from each other and only 2 could go on to the next round of competition which is District. 
 I seriously went in with no expectations, only hoping the cast would feel good about their performance regardless of the judges decision.  Well I was blown away happy when MarShae was awarded best actress of the night,

 Even more exciting was Klein's play advanced.  

Was it fair? 

 Well completely for me, but I imagine it didn't seem fair to other participants, teachers, and parents  who had also worked very hard and didn't move on. 

If that wasn't enough though I also had the 16th month anniversary, reminding me that time is passing, and it has been so incredibly long since the accident. I shed tears all week long, that felt very connected to losing Madie, and the unfairness of life...

Oh how I miss everything about her....

Larry and I also had our 33rd anniversary that happened to fall on the night of MarShae's One Act Play competition.  It was so weird because all day long I couldn't remember anything about our anniversary the year before.  

Nothing!

 again the fog...

I ended the week taking Marielle on a date to see the movie Divergent and out to eat afterwards.

We had a great time!

  I know that if I asked her if life was fair, she would say no.

 The truth is it never is. 

Going into this weeks District competition I am trusting that whatever happens will be the experiences that will help all of those involved. Easier said then done, but trusting God in his infinite wisdom in all things understanding that how we respond to all that happens in life is the real test....