Larry and I have been going to the temple early Saturday mornings lately. I had prayed that we would have a wonderful experience, realizing tomorrow is Mother's Day and Madeline's birthday is just a short time after Mother's Day.
In light of that, and because I wanted to wear a long necklace I grabbed a special necklace a friend made for me after Madeline passed away. It has an inscription Madeline had included on a Mother's Day card she made me the last year she was alive.
As I was changing into my temple clothes I was about to take off the necklace and realized tomorrow it would be seven years since that Mother's Day. Seven equals perfection; rest.
I teared up a bit and opted to leave the necklace on under my temple dress close to my heart.
I recently decided to not resist whatever feelings come up but to instead just experience them. Vulnerable I went into the chapel and sat next to Larry.
During the Endowment I again teared up and wanted to believe Madeline was possibly there with me. I thought about all the Mother's Day's I had experienced since becoming a mother almost 37 years ago.
I resolved to look at Mother's Day through a different lens this year. As I contemplated, some thoughts I considered were; "It's okay, Mother's Day can be a beautiful experience. You can choose to think about all the amazing women in your life. All those who have been a powerful influence on you and your family."
I pondered on the gift of each of my children, daughters-in-law, and grandchildren. How grateful I am for them and the joy they bring to our family.
I then reflected on the 4 babies I lost, and the lessons I learned going through those experiences. The most important being I can do all things through Christ. When heartbreaks are devastating, he is the strengthening source to help us as we stumble. This knowledge prepared me when Madeline's unexpected death crushed my soul.
I thought about my own mother, my mother-in-law, and grandmothers. I reflected on their qualities and guidance. Their impact seems incomprehensible.
I thought about female role models, old and young who have mentored me and family members.
As I was contemplating and praying in the Celestial Room, I felt immersed in love and was incredibly grateful for our experience in the temple that morning. It was tender and endearing. I seriously had no idea what was just around the corner.
A bit later as I was leaving the bathroom in the dressing room, I noticed two girls names on lockers that I assumed were getting married today. The name right in front of me was Madeline.
I stopped cold in my tracks, and my heart was filled with this extra witness that heaven was aware of me and my thoughts personally.
Oh, how I wished I could see what this Madeline looks like, but realized it was early and she might not be in the temple yet.
I walked over to a table to add names to a prayer roll. As I was writing I noticed a card on the counter with a girls name on it that said Live Endowment. This meant it was her first time and she was receiving the blessings herself. Her name was Elizabeth Rose Leone. I stared in disbelief. There was Madeline's middle name Rose and my mother's middle name Leone, which is also my grandmother's first name.
All of these were people I had hoped to feel a connection with during our endowment session that morning. Oh, how I wished I could see who these women were.
Just then a girl walked up and picked up the card. I asked, "Are you Elizabeth Rose Leone?" She said "yes". I smiled and told her I loved her name. I was delighted to see she was young, about Madeline's age when she passed away.
I knew Larry was probably waiting for me and I was tempted to peek in the bridal room but resisted.
Right after exiting the dressing room a girl and her mother passed and as soon as they walked by I thought "That's Madeline!" I looked back and said "Madeline?" She turned around surprised. I said, "You're Madeline." She responded "yes". I said, "you're getting married." Again she said "yes".
I then decided to look at her mother, and to my surprise there stood a woman I had known since I moved to Houston 38 years ago when she was a young girl.
I was shocked, and said, "Your daughter's name is Madeline?" She smiled and said. "Yes". I responded, "You know I lost my daughter Madeline, and I was hoping to somehow have an experience here today, just to know she was around and that I was missing her". I told them about the middle name of the other girl, and then I apologized for stopping them. The mom said, "No, thank you!"
I walked out to the waiting area where Larry was, wondering if the girl with Rose for her middle name was around. I saw her across the room and as I was turning back towards Larry a lady waved at me. I wasn't sure who she was but it looked like she was the escort of Elizabeth Rose. I felt kind of unsure and said "You waved at me right? Have we met before?"
She said "yes, and reintroduced herself to me".
I immediately remembered her but hadn't seen her in years. I inquired, "Is Elizabeth Rose your daughter?" "Yes". Then Elizabeth walked over and joined us. I discovered she is going on a mission and just finished her first year at North Texas as a vocal performance major. A singer no less. Some of my fondest memories with Madeline involved accompanying her and mentoring her as she prepared for singing auditions and performances.
This was amazing!
I couldn't believe I got to see both girls. They were both beautiful inside and out and doing something extremely important today.
My mind swirled as I contemplated on Madeline's, my mom's, and grandmother's hellos being orchestrated perfectly. It was beautiful to think just like my children were allowed to call home from their mission's on Mother's Day, Madeline also is able to check in from time to time, and I am so thankful to know what I believed before she died. Which is that we still exist and are aware of loved ones when we pass away. It's real. Death isn't the end. It's a rebirth to another world of experiences, one that I will forever be grateful to have seen glimpses of as a gift from a loving Heavenly Father.
It's hard to express the gratitude my heart is experiencing on a weekend that has in the past held such tender feelings, having neither my mother or my daughter alive, and yet my life continues with purpose knowing they aren't far away.
For me, that makes living filled with hope and commitment to somehow honor them, magnifying the lessons I've learned from both of their untimely deaths.
I believe truly living means living with courage in spite of vulnerability. It's getting up when we fall and becoming something we couldn't have achieved without the crushing blows that living brings. It's empowering to know that with our Savior we become the authors of our lives. We write our own stories, crafted from heartbreak and failure. We decide. The power is ours.
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