Yes enough time has passed that I no longer wake startled at the idea of Madie being gone. No, there's a heaviness that I carry around with me in all consciousness. I pray regularly to help me just handle it. It seems like so much work.
I feel in many ways as I observe Larry and myself that we are in a pattern of self destruct. Not like "let me see how quickly I can die", no let me see if I abandon being responsible and taking care of myself as a person should, then will I eventually get released from this life? I heard Larry leave our bedroom as I woke up at 3 a.m. thinking he probably has a headache or at least body aches that he often has Sunday mornings. Why? Because he literally abuses himself doing as much as he can all week long, then pushing Saturdays to the limits. He then collapses and can hardly move on Sundays, never complaining just recuperating.
As for me, I am just eating myself into I don't know what. Every day I tell myself "okay today just eat when you are hungry." That works for awhile because I don't eat until I am hungry but then boredom sets in as the day drags on and food has become my companion that never fails me. It's pitiful to see me going down this path. Again from my last post, an infant with no ability to turn off the pain, meaning I cry and food comforts me temporarily.
Madie, you probably don't believe what has happened to me,
it is so weird....
I used to talk to you about having an eating disorder when I was younger and how I had turned a weakness into a strength. It was the mother you knew. So how all these years later is my lack of control in this area completely gone?
I've discovered that grief has taken me to a lower place then I ever thought I could exist through, and then it takes me lower. Do I understand what's happening? Yes, and yet the food has become my friend. It is always there for me when I feel alone. This sounds like I don't have a friend in the world, and that isn't the case, but I respect that friends have lives that are busy and I am stuck in trying to figure out what to do with my life.
Are people great?
Yes!
Do they support me?
Again yes.
I have seen the best in people finding ways to reach out,
I have seen the best in people finding ways to reach out,
yet there is so much time that I spend just lost in my own world of nothing to motivate me.
I have been reading lately trying to see if I can get lost in books. It is so weird, while reading I can see through all the lack of understanding that some author is trying to write about, it feels so fake.
I know probably not the right books, but I keep looking for something that is going to help me find some passion, that isn't dependant on one of my kids or someone else. I want to be emotionally healthy and not just trading one coping skill for another. I sometimes wonder where I will be in 5 years, or 10.
I can't even imagine if I don't figure out a way off of this path.
To offset the mind game and inability to go back to sleep, I spent time pondering this morning on Easter, watched a beautiful video on Christ, and shed some more tears. I am so grateful for his life and death. Grateful seems inadequate to express what it means to me personally that he broke the bands of death. Yet, it doesn't take away the pain of just living without Madie. The sting of death is such an oxymoron.
I always believed that Christ took away the pain of death, that because of him, it would be manageable. Well that has proved to be a fallacy, either that or I am failing miserably. Christ took away the absolute horror and hopelessness of never being with Madie again, and yet I hurt in ways that continue on and on and seems to have no end. The sting of death is still very real for me. She is gone for the rest of my time here on earth. This feels like a horrible way to exist, and yet it is my responsibility to find my way through this, nobody can really do this for me. So much of the time my life feels empty. There have been some great moments but much of my time is spent contemplating life and what it now is, and that comes up with more unanswered questions then answered ones. It feels very devoid of contentment, just existing...
Last of all as I have spent much of this writing complaining, I want to end with gratitude. It has always been my ticket to some kind of peace. That and trying to enjoy whatever comes along that breaks up the monotony. I find at times I am like a prickly cactus. I am hurt, and tired of working so hard, and I don't always respond in kind ways. Sometimes I just feel like everyone is busy and yet want to make time for me, but I find so much alone time, and that gets, challenging at best. So here's to remembering! I am grateful for all that is amazing in my life. It's imperative that I remember because it helps balance the pain of the loss. Yes I have some really great kids, that bring happy moments. I have adorable grandkids, and that is such a gift, and I also have wonderful friends, who continue to find time in their hectic lives to spend time with me. It is hard for me to reach out to others, cause to be honest I don't think many people have as much time to do nothing as I do, and because of that I tend to not want to bother people. It is part of the challenge I face. The whole social life is just messed up. I wouldn't have understood why without going through this. Anyways, enough of a pity party!
I am grateful for my Savior and that he loves me, and that I know that I can talk to him and ask for help regardless of the time of day or night. I don't always feel immediate relief, but I find in time usually within the day, that I start to feel better. This picture I took early this morning spoke to me. I feel like I am the dead tree and Christ is the light. I am still standing, but needing the light to heal me.
Have you ever sought professional help such as a therapist or psychiatrist. I know there is a stigma behind mental health, but there's really no shame in seeking help. I haven't experienced the death of someone that close, but I do have PTSD and major depressive disorder as well as autism. I would struggle to get out of bed and think "I hate the world" for no reason. I'm not comparing my experience to yours, i have not been through what you have and therefore cannot comprehend what it must feel like. I was in a mental fog and would smoke, eat junk food, and drive recklessly to numb the pain. The PTSD is from a rape when I was 15. I sought out professional help for the depression(I wouldn't tell anyone about the rape until I was 18, I was also too deep in my depression to develop ptsd which didn't start manifesting with flashbacks and nightmares until I went to college). The therapist was extremely helpful and helped me change my thought process so I won't have depressive thoughts as much. When you are depressed for a long time, your brain gets used to the chemical imbalance and it sometimes stays that way. That's how clinical depression can develop. I'm on Zoloft and it helps with the feelings of not wanting to get out of bed and "I hate the world" for no reason, it doesn't solve my problems but it makes living more bearable. Everyone manifests depression differently so just because someone doesn't have the same symptom sets doesn't mean they do or do not have depression. Please don't take this as me judging you, I just want you to get help if you need it. Professional help doesn't "cure" depression or ptsd. I still feel blue occasionally and have flashbacks about every two weeks but it has greatly increased my quality of life. I hope for the best and I'm still praying for your family. I'm Taylor by the way. I commented earlier under the name nerdy gal.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reaching out. Yes I have been seeing someone, and yes I do understand what you are saying exactly. I just needed to find something to give me some passion, and finally have again. It will be temporary but I do know that the passion is what keeps life interesting for all of us. Thank you for reaching out when I was most definitely struggling with depression, and yet I knew that at times I am really good again, ti is the cycling of grief. I just needed to find my way back up, and this one was a bit longer.
DeleteI'm glad to hear that! As I said I don't understand grief to the level you have experienced and wasn't aware it is cyclical. Yet another benefit of your blog, it educates lay people
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