I am grateful...

Several months ago a man that I highly respect asked me if I had thanked my Heavenly Father for taking Madie home and my experiences since then.  I immediately teared up when he asked me because it was as far from my mind or ability to comprehend as I could imagine.  He promised me that when I could find gratitude for losing her that I would find a peace that was unattainable otherwise. 

 As I have struggled up and down,and all over the place since then I have often asked myself how I was doing in regards to this. It has been something that in my heart I knew would help me but my mind screamed differently for many reasons.  

I decided after pondering on it for a couple of days that I could start with being grateful for being Madie's mother, 

and for the wonderful memories and experiences that we shared. I often would remind myself to be looking for positive experiences or blessings that have occurred because of her death.  This has helped to change my focus often when it is in a very low place, but sometimes I have decided to allow the grief and not try to band-aide it that day because it just felt too roller coaster all day, so I called the day a wash  and started over the next day.

Today I went to our church services which once a month is fast and testimony meeting.  The inspiration behind this concept practiced throughout our church is that we fast as a church once a month for specific things that we want to focus our fast on.  Then we take the money from the meals we would have eaten as a family and contribute what we can to the fast offering fund in our church...  This is voluntary, but provides a way to help others who are struggling with financial needs.  It also allows us the blessing of learning about how to overcome the natural man by giving up food and water if possible for two meals.

  When we attend our Sunday worship where we partake of the sacrament we then have the opportunity on our fast Sunday to share our testimonies of our Savior Jesus Christ, the Restoration of the Gospel as well as a short time to share an uplifting experience if we would like.

I felt as I was pondering before our meeting started that I was to share my testimony that day.   I am grateful that I did.  As I briefly explained my journey of trying to find a grateful heart for losing Madie, many things started flowing into my mind that I have come to be grateful for.  I want to record them and others that have come to me as I have written this so I will remember them when days are difficult.

I am grateful that I was Madie's mother and that she was preparing to serve a mission when she died.

I feel after reading her journals that she was in a wonderful place of striving to do what God would have her do and giving up her will and desires to meet his.  I am grateful that I don't have to worry about her and that I know she is with our Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.

I am grateful that I have gained a deeper understanding of  charity as so many acts of charity have been performed for our family in the last 10 months.

 I am grateful that Taylor has recovered in miraculous ways and that I have been a witness of the miracles that God can perform.

I am grateful that he has been able to heal physically, but that he is also healing emotionally and spiritually from the crash that left him with such a heavy burden.

I am grateful that his life was spared 

and that Bailee saved his life.

I am grateful for hundreds of personal witnesses that God is aware of me and my daily struggles, and has brought me relief in countless ways.

I am grateful that I have two daughters still living at home, (and now five adorable grandkids)

that have given me reasons to find the ability to pull myself up out of my despair and grief, and have often been there to comfort me when they heard me crying in the middle of the night, or other times even though I have tried to do so privately.

I am grateful for mothers, fathers, friends 

                                     
                                    and neighbors 

who have stepped in and offered support to us as we dealt with the complications of our family having such a difficult challenge that flattened us as a unit.

I am grateful for friends new and old who have found ways to lift my heavy heart or help with my work load so that I can find some aspects of happiness, because I wasn't too motivated to cook and clean and do what I have done for the past 31 years.

I am grateful that I have seen witnessed to me repeatedly that if there is a desire that I have that is good that the Lord has helped it to happen in a very indirect way.

I am grateful to see my children learn that they can do really hard things, and that they learned to handle the pressure of their world as they knew it suddenly disintegrated, with so many aspects that were foreign to each of us.

I am grateful for the priesthood healing blessing that I received the day of the accident, that facilitated me to be able to do many things that weren't possible before.  I had not traveled for several years because of severe migraines that I would get that repeatedly left me very sick for a few days.

 I found myself traveling and eating whatever food was given, found or desired.  I found that my body responded in ways I knew it hadn't for years, and I knew that God had blessed me in a very tangible way to be able to do many things that were necessary and to also have fun.  I am grateful for the opportunities to travel which has given me time with Taylor that I haven' had since he left home in 2007. Many people have helped make this possible.

I am grateful to Randy and Sue Boothe who have been second parents to Taylor and Bailee as this year unfolded taking Taylor in their home. Feeding, dressing and bathing him while he regained his independence.  I am grateful that Taylor and Randy had developed a close bond before the accident 

which made it so much easier for Taylor to recover than if he had come back to Houston and been away from Bailee, school that he was able to attend, and his friends in Utah who helped him have purpose and desire to recover quickly. 
 I am grateful that Taylor has a fighting spirit and worked so hard to regain his abilities to take care of himself.

 I am grateful that he was able to go to China for several weeks and perform with Young Ambassadors in April still wearing his back brace but able to soon remove it.

  I am grateful that he can still sing, and had a recovery of his voice as well as his physical body.  I am grateful that Bailee supported him through the ups and downs of his recovery, 

and sacrificed her illusion of what a courtship should look like.

I am grateful that Rachelle moved forward proactively starting RoseRunners to honor Madie,

 raising funds for Taylor's medical bills, and openly grieve as she turned to running as a way to cope. I am grateful for her support to each of her siblings.  I am grateful that she worked relentlessly on the funeral for Madie and had the presence of mind to be able to do it.

I am grateful to Sterling and Kathy

 who in a very young place in their marriage, found themselves taking care of our home, and children as Larry and I flew to Las Vegas to be with Taylor the day after the accident.  I am grateful for all the ways they have supported MarShae and Marielle as our family has struggled with finding a new normal.

I am grateful that Ryan and Klara have remained steadfast

as they have had a very stressful year with Ryan's work and Klara pregnant, adding a fifth child to a very busy life.  I am grateful that even though it has been hard they have worked to continue to do the essential things with their children, despite their personal needs.

I am grateful to Larry for being my rock as I grieved very differently then he, in fact I often wondered if he was even grieving.  He held so much of our family together being steadfast and immovable when I was vacillating all over the place emotionally.  I am grateful for covenants we have made to each other that have held our marriage together  as our world feel apart.

  I am grateful for a new purpose in striving to be better each day so that we can be with Madie again.

 I am grateful for the spiritual experiences that I have been through as I have walked this journey.  For coming to know the spirits voice differently then I have before, and also for all the angels that have attended me helping me to be safe and comforted as I have been so unfocused in many aspects of my life because my brain has always been inwardly focused on surviving this most horrible of experiences.  Last I am grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ who I have plead with repeatedly over the past ten months to help me, comfort me and to make me whole.

I am grateful for the temple!

I'm thankful to know that families can be together after this life, that this life is but a small moment in our entire existence.

I am grateful to know that regardless of anything else that I might go through in my life that I have survived the worst and know that I can survive and find some stability and purpose again regardless of what may happen.  It is comforting to know that I will always have this experience to draw on as I continue down the ups and downs of life.

I also understand that not everyday looks like this and it is okay on the days when it just feels too hard , because I have learned that the sun does come out again, and time will help pull me up again as I find my way back to gratitude.