The power of Gratitude

Gratitude post day 15: The power of gratitude.

When I started this exercise 15 days ago, it was because my thoughts had become consumed with anger, bitterness, rejection and loneliness. I was also still recovering from a 3 week bout with flu that turned into pneumonia and a sinus infection (with some cracked ribs) , so I was physically spent as well.

Some history...

 My cat died unexpectedly right before the two year anniversary of Madie's death, and I was also trying to accept that MarShae would soon be gone to BYU.  I found myself questioning God's love for me.

 Didn't he know I had all I could handle? 

More loss felt cruel, and that didn't fit the loving image I had for my Heavenly Father.  Still I fought back by immersing myself in my girls lives, which involved most of their free time at Les Miserables rehearsals. It is such a beautiful story but it also carried heavy burdens for me surrounding Madie's death. I pushed down those feelings and focused on helping with the production. At times I would come home and cry myself to sleep. For a couple of months I hid the grief this show carried for me. But as it got closer to opening and the hours of sewing got longer (several 10-12 hour days), the grief turned to sickness, really sick. 

Opening weekend, I attended the shows, loving moments that were so tender.

  I had also planned for six months to fly to Utah between the two weekends both shows were running, to see Taylor in his performance of The Count of Monte Cristo, 

which was running the same two weekends. He had a Tuesday  and Wednesday show I had tickets for. 

As the flight approached, I realized I was too sick to go. This drove the heartache deeper, because I was so disappointed to miss his last show at BYU.  I eventually found peace after a priesthood blessing about staying home.

Even so, during the second weekend of Les Miserables there were some really sweet moments that happened.

 One night as I watched MarShae playing Fantine, at the end of the show, looking angelic, she is gazing down on Val Jean and Cosette lovingly.  

I felt this overwhelming presence that Madie and my mom are often times looking down on me, very aware of my human struggles. The tears flowed freely as I felt loved.

Also we had family that came into town and I experienced treasured moments as we watched this incredible production together.

 I was so proud of MarShae and Marielle, for their commitment to giving their very best to their characters.

I was in awe of the production that so many people had spent countless hours working on. It was a beautiful work of art. This was a blessing to see the fruits of so much work and talent. 

There was also a tragic event that happened during the second weekend.  A  girl who loved and adored Maddie passed away suddenly from an illness.  Her funeral was the day after the show ended. It was cold and rainy, and I got soaked at the cemetery. I was freezing but her sweet mother was so broken, stirring memories of the rawness of the beginning.  At the cemetery I left roses on Madie's grave, and this sweet mother asked me to go back to the church where there would be a meal after the burial. I felt so much compassion for her heartache.  It's such a shocking, devastating place to be. By the time I got home late that afternoon I was physically and emotionally drained. Instead of getting better I seem to take a step backwards for several days. 

Throughout my life I have used "creating" to pull me out of difficult or grieving situations. I also knew my time working on shows with MarShae was over. I felt lost and without purpose. 

It was at this point, in desperate prayer I sought guidance to pull myself out of this hole I had slowly fallen into.  In my anguish the thought came "you were writing gratitude posts when Madie died and continued sharing them for some time after she died. This saved you emotionally during that time period. You need to do this again, and you need to share it publicly, because that is what works best for you." As I have thought about this I realize for me I  spend more time pondering on what I'm grateful for when I share it publicly. 

 I decided to do it and committed in my heart to at least 30 days. Surprisingly within a week I found that my thoughts were focused  more on looking for what I was grateful for so I would have something meaningful to write about the next day. A few days later I was struggling to decide what I should share because I had several to choose between. I realized the bitterness, loneliness and feelings of despair had diminished immensely, replaced with peace and happy moments. I am still in awe of the shift, because it's been so profound for me personally.  
 I found this quote yesterday, which inspired my writing about gratitude today.

"It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."