Happy Thanksgiving-- Share kindness, KSL.com article

As a family we decided to celebrate Madie's gift of kindness during the 2nd year anniversary of her death. We wanted to shift the focus off of our own grief and find ways to be what she was; kind.

My Daughter Rachelle spearheaded the campaign through instagram, and we have used social media to promote it.  I have received personal messages from friends of ways they were sharing kindness, and it has lifted my spirits to see the effects of Madeline's life reaching out to impact people even two years after her death.  

Unexpectedly Rachelle was contacted last Friday by KSL.com to do a story about her #sharekindness campaign. 

 I was very surprised to get a message from Rachelle telling me Tuesday morning,(two days before Thanksgiving)  to go to KSL.com.  The accident happened two years ago, early in the morning of the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  I love the coincidence
 Click below to read the full story.

Anniversary of BYU student's death becomes celebration of kindness she showed in life

Two years..Time warp

Time is a ridiculously tricky thing.  Our minds can be in the present moment and then with a thought, smell or picture, we are back in a place in time and it feels like it just happened. So it is today as I remember two years ago with clarity.

Nov 20,2012
  I received a text from Taylor announcing his engagement to Bailee at about 1:30 a.m.  I was struggling with falling asleep, and when the text came in I was beyond excited, so I got on facebook to look at pictures they had posted.  Finally I settled down and went to sleep around 2 a.m., but oddly woke up just after 7 a.m. central time, feeling very unsettled, and frustrated at my lack of sleep.  My husband who was sleeping in another room, also woke up about that time.  Both without alarms, and yet hours later I found out it was soon after Madie had died, since the accident happened around 6 am in Utah. I have thought that she somehow was able to arouse both of us. 
  I had a room I was in the middle of  painting, but never got to it that morning.  Instead I taught a piano student, put a gratitude post and birthday posts on Facebook ( including one to my son Sterling),   and then just sat at the table talking to MarShae. I have often thought back about that time chatting with her, the last normal conversation I would have, ever.
 I can say that because nothing has been normal since Madie died.  Everything instantly changed for me, and even though I am working to find what my new normal looks like, I still grasp at straws because it's so foreign to me.   Losing a child isn't something that you  really get over. I believe with time I will learn how to live with it, but I will never be the same again.  I'm fragile because I immediately realized I'm not protected from tragic events, it left  me feeling vulnerable in my deepest of places.  

As a mother from the earliest moments I discovered I was expecting, I shifted my life to nurture, protect and care for the child I was carrying.  Losing four pregnancies, gave me my first experiences with grieving over a child that didn't live to experience all the hopes and dreams I had for that child.  Losing Madie, was not only losing all the hopes and dreams of who she would become,  but it was also losing the fact that I could protect a child from the ultimate parental nightmare, losing them.  
I feel like part of me went with her.  Every mother knows that each of her children gets a part of her physical body, but I believe we also give a part of our soul to each child as we give up part of who we are to make room for helping them grow and thrive.

Early on in my writing I wrote about feeling like I was bipolar.  I have  come to understand that it is a very good description for life after a mother loses a child.  The mood swings are vast, and it gets very exhausting, and yet I feel anything else is not honoring what is really going on inside of me, and putting myself on a stage to be what I and others believe grief should look like. 

 It's complicated. 

 I can be doing great, and then I am not.  Never knowing what might take me to a place that is difficult.  Sometimes it is other life events or changes that amplify the lose.  Losing our pet cat, Kuzo very unexpectedly earlier this month would be an example of that.  it opened up grief, that I assumed I was finished with.  

Over the past few days, I have seen several "Madie Hello's" that were too uncanny to ignore.  It has given me some peace, to realize comfort is coming in ways I couldn't have orchestrated.   One was the new disney trailer for Cinderella.  This was one of Madie's favorite Disney films growing up. One Christmas morning her older siblings played this movie on full volume just to get her out of bed so they could start opening presents. The trailer had Madieism's all over it.  Maybe watching it over and over as a child instilled in her kindness, which was a sweet theme in it..  
Watch here if you haven't seen it 
Another was a new Mormon messages video that shocked me at the end. 
 Watch here to see why   
 Still  another was Mitt Romney speaking at BYU on Nov 18th. 
 I was a big supporter of his campaign and remember with clarity just two weeks before Madie died the discouragement I felt at him losing the election.  Unexpectedly our family received an email from his phone, shortly after Madie died offering his condolences.  I marveled that in his own moments of discouragement he reached out to us. 
 Another happened on the night of the 20th.  After the family dinner celebrating Sterling's birthday, we were watching  "Edge of Tomorrow" and I fell asleep  early in the movie holding a kitten, we were calling "Rose" that had just come to our home that afternoon,  (more about the kittens later).  I happened to wake up right when Emily Blunt was dying in Tom Cruise's arms and said,  "My middle name is Rose"
  I  thought, "Are you kidding me?  I woke up for that line?"  I knew in my heart it was to let me know that it is real.  "Madie Hellos" aren't me just looking for anything that would remind me of her.  No, all of these happened in a matter of days, and  bolstered my courage and confidence when I had been drowning in doubt. 
 A Scripture that has carried me for years as I tried to do unsurmountable things is 

"I can do all things through Christ, who strengtheneth me"  

Philippians (:13.

  I have come to believe that we do have things that happen that are by their very nature, things that can destroy us.  They are bigger then us.  They take us to dark places that we didn't know we could ever live through.   It's not a one time occurrence either.  Rather a repeated situation of sorrow or discouragement that is  impossible to explain.  It's only through reaching for help from  above that we are able to survive. 

 In these moments, sometimes all I could do was think,

" please help" 

"I can't do this" 

 "It's killing everything inside of me"

Always in time the windows of hope opened to me..  

Call me crazy, but I have witnessed them and know, we have help from above, and that is the greatest blessing of losing Madie, knowledge that no matter how many times I falter, that "hope" is available and eventually rises again.  I know we aren't alone as we walk our mortal journeys.  I know Christ and departed loved ones are aware.  I know that the spirit prompts others to reach out, or to be kind at just the right moment.  I know that a butterfly or rainbow will appear out of nowhere, and dance around me. That texts, messages, phone calls, and "kittens" will come in the most needed of hours.  And for all of these things, I am grateful, and learning that I can do this.  The mountain that was dumped upon me is being lifted one rock at a time, by angels here and from above.

And since I mentioned"Kittens", I want to share the miracle of them being brought into my life early in the afternoon of the anniversary, Nov. 20th. 

 Marielle didn't want to go to school that day so we went to the temple that morning.  Even though it was a good thing to do, there was a heavy energy in the car as Larry, Marielle and I drove to the temple and also as we left.  It felt like a good thing to do, but every little while my eyes would fill with tears, and I wished it would feel easier.  I then asked Marielle if she wanted to go look at some kittens that I had heard were at a veterinary hospital and were up for adoption.  She was super excited so the two of us went, but they didn't have the kittens even to look at so it felt like a dead end. 

 I was visiting with a receptionist who told me this isn't the time of year that kittens were available, something I had no idea about.  Then the Veterinary walked in and I instantly recognized him from over a decade earlier.  He didn't know who I was but I told him I was Sterling Morris' mom, and he instantly remembered.  His son had played soccer with Sterling for several years.   As we were exchanging what our sons were doing, I meantioned that it was Sterling's birthday and the anniversary of one of the little girls who used to be on the sidelines at the games accidental death.  I had already told him we had put our cat to sleep two weeks earlier, and with the added events of the day, and it's significance, he said to his receptionists, "we need to find them a kitten".  "Call Donna and see if she has any kittens by chance".  Well Donna did and soon we were on our way to her house.  She rescues cats, and then they are placed for adoption through Petco.  We told her we wanted a girl which she had two, and when we saw them I instantly was drawn to a little white one with pink ears and tail.

Introducing "Rose"

  It reminded me of Madie's rose bush and I thought here's our kitten if she's nice.  Donna told me that she is shy, and the runt, but after watching and holding her and asking Marielle if she felt good about her,  I told Donna we wanted to take her.  She instantly responded, "they can't be adopted till after they are fixed on Dec 1st".  (which happens to be the two year anniversary of Madie's funeral)

  I then told her why we were hoping to adopt one that day, because it would give us something happy to remember about the two year anniversary.  She said, well she can't go alone, because she's really shy and has been kind of fragile.  She said if you will take the sister,

Rose's sister we are calling "Bella"

 then I will let you take them but only if we promised to bring them back to be spade on the 1st.  We readily agreed and I realized it would give us a chance to see if they liked us and were social.  Soon we were off with our happiness fix.  It felt like a huge weight had been lifted to have these little tiny kittens to care for and love.  We had a few issues with them which meant going back to get some medicine for them, but they have adjusted to humans very well, because they hadn't been acclimated yet.  The rest of the day felt so happy, and I realized maybe Zuko had served his purpose and I needed sisters to adopt, two of them, and coincidentally take them on the two year anniversary.  Everything to give me something to take care of,  I was finally back in a happy zone.

That's one last thing to explain, for any who might still be reading.  When dealing with a very difficult loss it's easy to have any number of things on any given day be like a slide into grief and dispair.  It's a constant battle, but I never know when something will trigger tears.  It happens everywhere, and it's completely unpredictable.  I never know if it will be for a few moments, hours, days, weeks, or even sometimes months that the battle is going on.  This fall has been a loaded dice for me in regards to this, but I have wanted to not really be public about it because I want to be happy.  So I am always looking and searching for something to literally cling to that will pull me up for an unknown amount of time, and give me some joy.  It is something that when it comes I cling to it as long as it carries me.  Then the slide again.  Sometimes the happiness makes it to where the slide is really small and I recover quickly.  Sometimes it is just one after another where it's hard to find solid footing.  The kittens have been a big one.  I told Larry I felt like they would carry me through at least the anniversary of the accident, Thanksgiving and the funeral.  I am hoping for Christmas and beyond, but will take whatever it gives me.  

Some additional things I want to remember.

Some of the day to day challenges--

 Passion has been hard to find.  Projects involving my other children seem to be the best for passing time, and enjoying life.  But when they are finished, I find myself alone with my thoughts, and that can be difficult.  I have learned to divert my thoughts, and look for things to do, but for the most part, there is a lot of time to process the various changes that my life is adjusting to.  After years of struggling to find time for myself, I have come to know the opposite, time...
 Empty nester is lurking around the corner, and with having such a large family, things have definitely gotten a lot quieter around our house, which gives me other aspects to process while I am trying to figure out the loss part.  What does life look like for me after spending my adult life raising children as my main focus.  

Two years--
I now enter  new uncharted territory, not like the past two years has been charted, but twice I have gone two years without seeing sons of mine while they were serving missions, and something about hitting the two year mark has really messed with my  brain.    I remember counting down the months till my sons would return.  Their homecoming's were the best of life's experiences.  Even though I have known from the beginning she wouldn't be returning,  I now am struggling with the longing that never is satisfied. 

Kindness--
I will always remember the kindnesses and concern that we have been shown.  I have learned, that tragedy brings out the best in people.  I will forever be grateful!

Roses always remind me of Madeline Rose

I have fought my way through the past two years, and have found that even though people tell me I am doing better, I think it's mostly I have gotten better at handling it, and controlling the grief.  I read several blog posts from last year around the one year mark, and I thought, "These sound like you are describing so many things that you have been feeling".  It was a bit discouraging, but for those who have lost children, a common thing that I have heard, is that it takes years to feel like you have a handle on life and aren't going crazy on the inside.  I am grateful to those who have reached out and shared some of their experiences.  it has helped me feel normal in my dysfunctional state, the normal that I have been trying to establish.

Last of all--
Dear Madie, 

 You have changed more lives then you could have ever expected to do.  When I think of the people who have been changed for the good, it makes me proud of the life you lived.  I love you, I miss you, and can't wait to hug you again.  Keep sending me hello's, it is what keeps me here living the life I am destined to finish.
Two years, seems like a lifetime, and yet a blink of the eye.  I hope it is what it feels like when we are finally reunited, but until then, I have come to know that it's a complicated road to walk, one I wish I didn't understand.

Mom  

It's a mother thing... 23 months and counting

You know the drill, your baby has been sleeping for a bit too long, and you have to check to see if they are still breathing.. 

 I wouldn't begin to know how many times in my life I have done that or looked in on a child while they are sleeping, even when they are grown. 

 It's instinctual, something mothers do.  Sometimes I can see in that full grown body, the baby that I checked so often in their sleep. 

So what does that have to do with anything?

I have felt over the past several months that my grief for Madie needed to be reined in, and while I know for the sake of others, it does, I have suffered physically for doing so. When I push down feelings they seem to manifest as a headache.  It took me awhile to see the connection.  
For example, I am at an event and something brings up a memory of  Madeline.  I feel the emotions rising, the tears coming and I tell myself,  "Not now!"  This isn't about Madie, it's about______   
BUT, it's not like when I find some time alone I can say 

"okay... let those feelings go". 

It doesn't work that way. 

 I might find that I have pushed down feelings for days or weeks, and then something finally hits and I can't hold them back anymore.   A headache is often a part of it. Sometimes it happens right after I'm stifling feelings, often after I finally let them go.  

Why acknowledge this?  
I believe that many of us punish ourselves physically by not embracing our feelings.  It may manifests itself  differently,  but understanding the connection helps me to find a solution.  I have to honor and release the feelings as they come, easier said then done because it involves change.  

Again the difficulty is I want to protect my children from seeing it.  I want them to have life return to normal, and so it's a battle between the love I have for them, and the love I feel for Madie. 
I also want to engage in a more normal social life, but fortunately I'm not the norm...

Part of the conflict lies in wanting to enjoy life, and not have everything have a twinge of regret or remembrance of Madie, but just like the mother checking to see if her child is still breathing, so it is with this.

 The instinct within my very being is 

to take her with me.

 My mother heart wants to keep checking in on her. 
I know she still exists, but I don't have a physical way to check her. 

My heart is the only heart still beating.  

The same heart that beat with her's for 9 gestational months.  

She lives on inside of me. It's the only way I know to move forward. 

When I'm involved with an event, she's always there, never far from my thoughts. Things repeatedly remind me of her, and while I love remembering, I feel like I'm vacillating between living in the moment, and a memory from the past.  
 I want to live, and yet I want her to live too.  It is the most unnatural experience a mother can go through.

 It's complicated.

So after an incredibly busy month, full of many exciting and important events, I find myself today, putting a voice to the rest of the story.  It's Oct 20th, 23 months since Madie's  heart stopped beating,  and a new life for me began.  Even though I am learning how to move forward, it is a new path, a new way of living, so I leave my inner thoughts to Madie...

Dear Madie,

This is so incredibly complicated.  I love you beyond words.  I miss you in every breath I take.  I am grateful that I do remember, but I can't wait to be with you again.
I used to think life gave me difficult challenges, Miscarriages, financial issues,etc,  but this has taught me that life is precious, and that experiencing life is important.  Making the most of the moments, and not taking anyone for granted.
 I miss your laugh!  
Seeing you sitting at the computer biting your nails or the ends of your hair. 
 I miss you eating apples and walnuts.
 Shopping, doing your hair, making beautiful dresses for you...  
Our late night walks, our talks about life will always be a treasure. I will never forget your senior year, and how often you listened to me as I talked about how much I missed my mom that had just died. 
I miss your grumpy sleepiness.  That there won't ever be a wedding,or little Madie's running around.  

I am grateful to see things daily that make me feel like you are sending "Hello's"  Keep sending them, and till I leave this earth and can hold you once again,  

I love you 

more then any words....  
mom  

Sacred days...

This past Sunday in church we had a special meeting where leaders from our Stake were there for a once a year "ward conference".  For any who don't understand this jargon, we are divided into "wards" each consisting of about 350 members that live relatively close to each other.  There are about 8-10 wards that will be part of a Stake, and  a group of three men who lead our Stake.
 Our "Stake President" was speaking in our Sacrament Meeting Sunday, and was reviewing the letter issued to all members of the Stake at the beginning of this past year.  One of the areas that he was going over was always having a date set for our next visit to the temple.  I had recently set a goal to go twice a week, since I had gotten out of the habit of going regularly  since Madie had died.  I was going once maybe twice a month, and with the freedom of time I have, I knew I could go a lot more then that.  So even though I had set the goal to go early Wednesday mornings  a few weeks ago, I felt when I got home Sunday from church I needed to write down a plan for my week.   With Sterling and Kathy's baby that was overdue, and with MarShae turning 18 on Thursday and planning a big birthday party for her Friday, I knew that any of the scheduled events could get postponed, but I felt like I should to go to the Temple when it opened Tuesday morning, that way if Kathy went into Labor and Tuesday didn't work I could default to Wednesday morning. 

Tuesday I woke up right before 7 and got ready.  I was excited for the day and had meaningful prayers about working on becoming more charitable in my heart, and bringing it into my home and relationships with my family members.  I realized that if I couldn't become charitable with the people I loved most how could I extend it outside my family?  I pondered on the way to the temple,  on areas that I needed to repent of, and asked for forgiveness for my selfishness.  It was a very sweet moment for me, and why I don't start each day like this is beyond me, but also a good new habit to incorporate.

As I was in the temple I felt like my mind was so clear and promptings were coming very easily.  I felt mentally invigorated and was so happy to feel the connection to above.  I had some beautiful experiences during my 3 hours I was there, and felt very close to Heaven and experienced several "coincidences".

I was told by a general authority, who happened to be also attending the 8 am session, that there are "no coincidences with God".
He knew that our paths had crossed once again, and that for some reason he has crossed the path of family members of mine repeatedly during the past year.  As we visited about how I was doing with all that has happened, and I mentioned that I had a son who's wife was expecting a baby any moment, he gave me some great council concerning various areas in my life. We talked about the mission that Madie was on.   We both knew that God had been in the details of our meeting that day again. 

 Little did I know, Sterling had tried to call me right as I had turned off my phone to let me know Kathy was being induced.  When I got the news around noon, I was overjoyed that so many aspects of the day had fallen so smoothly into place, including feeling like I should stop and get the things for MarShae's party as I left the temple. I felt so blessed to know we could take off for College Station and I had accomplished important details for the needed outcome of my week.
 We arrived at the hospital just as Rowan was born.  All the way there I knew in my heart it was going to be very close, and to hear Rowan greeting the world with a good set of lungs and his new father, Sterling laughing was pure joy to my heart.

Was Madie around today? 

 My guess is she was very close and aware of this momentous occasion. 

 She always has adored her big brother Sterling and his wife Kathy, and knowing that she died on Sterling's birthday I was very sure that the reason my mind was so clear and aware, and that everything lined up perfectly came back to following the council of my Stake President and setting the date for my next visit to the temple.  As he said, "each time you leave the Temple, set a date for when you will return again."  I am learning that when we are obedient to the promptings we receive and follow through with them, greater blessings follow.
I was asked today if I had had a chance to have Madie visit me since she has died, which I answered " not in the way that I am longing for, but I have faith that she is shining through in all of the "Madie hello's" that I see".  I have come to know that Heaven is aware of our very thoughts and there to bless us as we ask in faith, the key for me is keeping my mind open to look for the ways in which I see the miracles around me.

I woke up early this morning, Aug 20th and all day have felt an absolute peace, that defies explanation.  I find it so weird because it is the 21 month anniversary of Madie's death.  It's the first time I have found myself on the 20th of the month without conflicting emotions.  Maybe it's because of the experiences of yesterday, but I can't help but hope that as I put my faith in serving and figuring out what God wants me to do with my time, that he will bless me with a continued peace that isn't so fleeting.

In honor of Madie that I long for, Rowan that I welcome, and MarShae who is now officially 18 years old,

 I leave my testimony that I know God is aware of us as individuals.  That he knows us personally and is aware of our needs.  He loves us more then I can comprehend.  I know it because I saw too many things line up in miraculous ways that still has my brain spinning.

God's in the details...

I love knowing that God is in the details of our lives.

After being up very late I awoke on my own by  7:00 am in time to make a scheduled visit to the Houston Temple with Eleah Boyd.  As we were driving we got stuck at a red light and saw a life flight helicopter taking off. It was right next to us, and it brought up all kinds of emotion.  Evenso, I realized that it was the life flight that transported Taylor to the hospital that he needed to be in, which happened to be the number one trauma center in the western United States.  I am grateful for their expertise in his care, and for the miracles that we witnessed.  I also found it symbolic that we were on our way to the temple to worship our Saviour Jesus Christ and come to understand our Heavenly Father better.   Another life flight symbolically.

In the Temple miracles opened up as we were surrounded by young sister missionaries.   I realized as I was sitting behind a large group of them, that their mothers would absolutely love to be were I was at that moment glimpsing their daughter's experiences.  I have so wanted to know what Madie is doing and see glimpses of her mission.  I can say that in extraordinary ways I have known that her influence is tangible here to individuals as they have shared experiences with feeling her help.  I too have felt her working with me and helping me at times.  I call them my Madie hello's, and yet I wish they were more tangible. I miss the physical connection, hearing her voice, seeing her play with her hair, or bite her nails as she is deep in thought.  I miss her laugh!

 Crazy how we always want what we don't have instead of focusing on what we do.  

As the session started I felt incredibly grateful to be there with Eleah experiencing the Temple so early in the morning. What I hadn't expected was that I would be seeing a new movie.  It had things from the very beginning that brought me to tears.  It was so incredibly beautiful.  It appealed to all of my senses, and tears flowed freely.  As it progressed I realized why it was so special.  It was being created during the last moments of Madie's life and into the period of time after she died. So many aspects reminded me of her.  I couldn't contain my tears.  They were from so many different emotions.  Tears of gratitude, tears of longing, tears of realizing that she isn't so far away, tears of wanting to turn back the clock, yet knowing I need to move forward. 

Beautiful sacred moments happened, as I thought about each girl in front of me and how much their mothers missed them.  I missed my girl too, but knew she is often seen by my own mother and mother in law.  She's busy, doing Heavenly Father's work.


 Eleah and I were the last to enter the Celestial room, and as I walked in there was a girl sitting in a chair right by the door.  She was sobbing, and I felt the need to sit in a chair next to her and put my arm around her.  We sat there for awhile and I had the impression repeatedly to tell her this was from her mother.  I was concerned that it might be taken wrong but eventually she looked up and I told her. We visited and she told me about herself.  She's from Australia, and has been out for about 3 months. A beautiful Samoan girl.   She told me how much her mother misses her, that she has 2 other sisters serving missions right now as well, and that her mother carries their baby clothes around and smells them.  I thought, oh another mother's heart so lonely for her daughters. We discussed how there's opposition in everything.  It's part of the mortal journey..  When we experience pain of any kind it humbles us and helps us realize how much we take for granted when we are feeling good.   I believe when our natural instincts are being stretched, whether it's we are hungry, angry,  sad or in pain, in those times our physical body is weak but our spirits are becoming buff.  That is when we grow.  When we feel better again, we often forget our spirits, and neglect them.

So today was a getting buff day.  Last week when I had a headache over a 4 day time period my spirit was getting buff, as I continued to try to forget the pain, as many great experiences were happening, one of which was Taylor Jones was baptized and confirmed. what a miracle around this experience.

Madie and Taylor were in kindergarten together and attended each other's birthday parties that year.  I remember Madie telling me about Taylor because she thought it was so cool that there was a girl in her class with the same name as her older brother.  That was the end of them having a class together and then a few years later Taylor went to a catholic school and then later moved and went to High School with Sawyer, and was in ROTC with him.  After Madie died a friend of Taylor's texted her that Sawyer's girlfriend was killed in a car accident, and she was in a pretty difficult place at that time but was curious about who his girlfriend was and through facebook figured out it was this girl from her kindergarten class.  She found my blog and eventually reached out to me last April, and through messaging we discussed her rediscovering a belief in God.  I felt impressed to ask her if she had ever thought about learning more about our church, and told her about mormon .org and lds.org.  She replied that she had thought about visiting our church sometime, and eventually decided to be taught by the missionaries.  What a great experience it has been for me to be a part of that and to feel of Heavenly Father's love for her.  We had several discussions in my home with the sister missionaries, and then I left for a 19 day vacation with my family.  On returning her baptism was scheduled  and I was asked to speak about the Holy Ghost.  Since so much of everything about my connection to Taylor had been through personal promptings, it made the talk unique because I learned so much about the Holy Ghost working with her.  There were times when I literally felt like heaven opened up to my mind and I knew things about her worth that were so tender to my heart. I knew that ever ounce of pain I had experienced since losing Madie was worth it to bring Taylor to an understanding of Heavenly Father's great love for her and how much Jesus Christ was aware of her and loved her.  I knew that Madie was working with me, and that she and I were companions in a way.  Sacred experiences that I hope in recording will help others on their personal journeys and struggles.

Saturday and again Sunday during the baptism I felt an outpouring of the spirit speaking to me as I continually tried to redirect my focus from the physical pain in my head, to the spiritual "buffing up" that was taking place. As the headache went away yesterday I realized how grateful I was to have a day to get things done when I felt no pain in my head.  I realized how much more I need to express gratitude when I don't have physical pain instead of taking it for granted.

Last of all my new friend, took a picture with me outside the Temple and told me she was going to write me every week because I was her mother in America.   I couldn't help but reflect on a quote that I had recently come across.

God loves broken things....

The past two months have been a personal healing time for me on a physical, spiritual, and emotional basis.  As I have pulled myself up from the ashes of this experience, I have recently recalled the experience that happened nine months ago that I blogged about "I am Grateful" 
 I reread it and knew the answers I was seeking were right there. 

That said, I have also realized that I am somehow stronger because of what I have gone through during this very difficult couple of months.  I have learned that I can have disappointments, that I can feel broken and that I will still be faced with the choice, of will this break you or make you?  

 I've come to understand that God loves broken things.
He breaks clouds into rain, and then the promised rainbow.  
He breaks soil, and the grain becomes wheat that is broken into bread.
He breaks our hearts, because in our brokenness we have a choice that can bring us to him...

I recently went through Madie's 20th birthday with healing moments surrounding it. I captured this picture early on her 20th birthday, May 20th,2014. 

 I saw so much symbolism that morning!  The golden sunrise on her golden birthday, the birds that danced around me, the M the wings made on this bird. Several groups of 8 birds flying in a row that symbolized one for each letter of her name, M A D E L I N E

Galveston was a perfect place for finding some answers that I needed, it was the last place Madie wanted to go before she left for BYU, and where we spent many family moments during her growing up years.

 I recalled on that personal historic day,(her 20th birthday and 18 month anniversary) that I had in my heart before she died already come to terms with giving her to the Lord for 18 months while she served a mission that she was preparing for. 

 As I struggled with her decision to serve a mission, and not seeing her for 18 months, and little contact during that time period, I had decided I would  consecrate my personal desires, so she could serve him. I was turning my will over to him, and setting her free, because I already was struggling with her just being away at BYU. It was a deep personal sacrifice I was preparing for.

 I had no clue what was around the corner...

 As I realized that her 20th birthday was also the 18 month anniversary of her death, and that was the time I had agreed to in my heart before she died, I came to understand that really the rest of my life was my complete consecration of my heart and soul to my Heavenly Father.

 It's like something changed in moving past the 18 month mark. 

 It became sacred 

 I wanted to somehow change my heart from the complaining spirit of 

"Why do I have to do this?"

to 

"Okay I am willing to walk this path"

and

"I trust this will be for my good"  

This has brought a peace that I haven't been able to find since she died. 
 I am striving to be the consecrated daughter of God that I was born to become, 

 and somehow this understanding has turned the tide....

Do I miss her? 

There are no words... But this is how I envision she would look serving the mission she was called on, a mission I wish I could see...

Getting accountable, thoughts on how to proceed from where I am...

I find that some of the time it is in becoming accountable for the addictions or issues that I struggle with that helps me actually do something about them.  I finally opened up as is slightly evident in my last blog post that I was out of control with my eating.  To be honest it has been the biggest area of my life, that and spending money, that I have had complete reckless abandonment in since Madie died.  So I told a couple of friends how bad I was really doing in those areas, and in doing so I think it helped me to realized I had someone to be accountable to besides myself, because I have over and over just let myself down in both areas.  It has become a vicious cycle of "you can do this JoLynn, to ya well maybe later."  When I am faced with something to buy that I may or may not need, or something to eat that seems fun.  It is weird to have such a new life that I am trying to control, and often finding that the addictions are the things that gives me some kind of pleasure when days are stale.  I have tried to figure out where I can put some passion.  As many know I have found purpose in helping with costumes for MarShae's shows, but when the need to help is over I found myself very empty of purpose.  I realized that I didn't have a purpose in being at the school, and so it was time for me to fade until I was needed in some way again, or just found something else to do.  I have found at least at this point that anything that isn't involving one of my children and having a connection there has been hard for me to find much passion in.  I guess that would be because I have spent my adult life trying to support raising children that are developing their talents, and how to be good people that help society.  I also for whatever reason, and there are many but it would involve a very long story, I struggle greatly with connecting to my kids during junior high school.  It is because of issues I personally experienced, and  hard as I try it's difficult for me.  I seem to enjoy the early years and the high school years more.

Anyways accountability... I decided that more important then food being something that made me feel happy (even temporarily) that the effects were a two edged sword.  Loathing myself and my lack of self discipline. I also realize that it was only hurting myself, no one else would blame me or care too incredibly much if I did continue to gain weight.  I finally decided that enough was enough. ( here's hoping to have success and realizing it will take a lot of focused effort)  The problem is how to do this in a way that I won't feel like I have taken the last thing away from me that is constant and brings me happiness.  So weird, but it's the truth and I don't believe I am alone in this dilemma.
 No, my guess is there are others who are here, or have been here in their lives.   My feeling is that we live in a world of being very disconnected from each other, and in so doing often the addictions are the thing that is constant in our life.  Unfortunately we often isolate from others feeling that the addiction is the one thing we can count on.  Food, shopping, gaming, television, social media all play into a world of disconnected people.  Busyness has become the way of life for so many and the ones who aren't find addictions to fill the empty place in their heart.  Accepting this is my first step out.  I have to be proactive because the path of least resistance is spiraling out of control.
So my game plan is...

 I decided that I would start by limiting my desserts to only one a day, and being accountable to a friend on that.  We walk at times together and so I thought that is a start.  I don't want to take all the fun of food away, but I need to figure out a way to not gain 100 pounds because of losing Madie.  I can see that in 5 years it is what I could be facing,and that would be awful for me personally.  I already struggle but am accepting that I have used food since she died to give me some sort of comfort and enjoyment and it has been fun.  Now to face hunger again.  I am on day two of limited desserts and not being full most of the day from about noon on.  Before regardless of what I had eaten through out the day I would take a dish of ice cream to bed with me because I deserved the reward of getting through another day. The problem is the scales just don't lie, and facing the truth is difficult at best.Tanking off at nights with a dish of ice cream in bed.  Yes that is what has been happening,   I have to find it within myself to be willing to hurt inside, emotionally, with hunger, or at least not satisfaction that the food has brought.  It has felt good, but at the same time it has been very hard, because I haven't had the treat to give me the momentary endorphin release, or well that was nice and I deserve it, because Madie died.  How many times that has crossed my mind as I have been eating over the past 17 months.
That said as I was visiting with someone today she pointed out a very interesting thing that I had completely not been factoring in.  That of not loving myself, and asked me the very obvious question of where those feelings are coming from.  It was really good to realize that I have been allowing satan to add guilt and disgust to my heap of burdens that I already am carrying.  I had an ah ha moment as I realized that I had forgotten how much my Heavenly Father loves me and my Savior jesus Christ, and the way I have been talking to myself I wouldn't talk to anyone that way.  It was beneficial to say, "ok, so you want to get a handle on this.  that's a good idea so that you don't add health issues to your burdens. BUT, you need to love yourself regardless, try to envision the other side and how they are seeing you.  Also that I need to work to not let Madie dying, canker the rest of me.  So lots of good things.  I am again starting over, isn't it what we do all the time, and realizing that my Savior isn't saying, "Seriously JoLynn, when are you going to be as strong as you used to be?"  No he is seeing me with love and compassion and I need to do the same for myself.

So if anyone wants to join me on this journey of connecting to people rather then food,  let me know.  I do believe that it is in accountability to at least one other person that it gives a strength that is missing.  I have also pleaded in prayer to have help to rise above this.  It isn't the first time I have asked but maybe with a bit more resolve right now. 
  I realize that  Madie will always be a part of my life, I may never understand why I had to lose her, but somehow I have to go on.   The last question I've been pondering is will I choose to live with her memory as a spring of gratitude, or a fountain of bitterness?
I have found the battle to be real, and exhausting, because the pain isn't something that can be measured, or medicated, and I have to continue to get back on the path of gratitude, because the bitterness is all encompassing, and even though at times I feel I have the right, it isn't how I want to define the rest of my life. with bitterness I am losing sight of my Savior's outstretched arms, encouraging me and cheering me on. 

This picture helped me see that joy is available, through continuing to watch my children grow as their lives move on.

Last of all part of what helped me really look at myself and get real was watching this video.  I've listened to it 3 times in the past few days and it's amazing!

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/are-you-sleeping-through-the-restoration?lang=eng&media=video#watch=video

Easter and 17 months April 20, 2014

I awoke at 3 a.m. thinking.... wondering where the sanity is in death and being left behind.  Realizing the importance of today, Easter Sunday, and yet also realizing that it is the 17 month anniversary, and feeling lost.  I can't explain it, it just feels like being in a dream that continues day after day, wishing I could wake up, and yet knowing that death is the only thing that will release me from this dream, accepting that this is my new reality.

Yes enough time has passed that I no longer wake startled at the idea of Madie being gone.  No, there's a heaviness that I carry around with me in all consciousness. I pray regularly to help me just handle it.  It seems like so much work.
 I feel in many ways as I observe Larry and myself that we are in a pattern of self destruct.  Not like "let me see how quickly I can die", no let me see if I abandon being responsible and taking care of myself as a person should,  then will I eventually get released from this life?  I heard Larry leave our bedroom as I woke up at 3 a.m. thinking he probably has a  headache or at least body aches that he often has Sunday mornings.  Why?  Because he literally abuses himself doing as much as he can all week long, then pushing Saturdays to the limits.  He then collapses and can hardly move on Sundays, never complaining just recuperating.

As for me, I am just eating myself into I don't know what.  Every day I tell myself "okay today just eat when you are hungry."  That works for awhile because I don't eat until I am hungry but then boredom sets in as the day drags on and food has become my companion that never fails me.  It's pitiful to see me going down this path.  Again from my last post, an infant with no ability to turn off the pain, meaning I cry and food comforts me temporarily.

 Madie, you probably don't believe what has happened to me,

 it is so weird....

I used to talk to you about having an eating disorder when I was younger and how I had turned a weakness into a strength. It was the mother you knew.   So how all these years later is my lack of control in this area completely gone?
 I've discovered that grief has taken me to a lower place then I ever thought I could exist through, and then it takes me lower.  Do I understand what's happening?  Yes,  and yet the food has become my friend.  It is always there for me when I feel  alone.  This sounds like I don't have a friend in the world, and that isn't the case, but I respect that friends have lives that are busy and I am stuck in trying to figure out what to do with my life.

 Are people great? 

Yes! 

 Do they support me?

 Again yes. 
I have seen the best in people finding ways to reach out,

yet there is so much time that I spend just lost in my own world of nothing to motivate me. 

 I have been reading lately trying to see if I can get lost in books.  It is so weird, while reading I can see through all the lack of understanding that some author is trying to write about, it feels so fake. 

 I know probably not the right books, but I keep looking for something that is going to help me find some passion, that isn't dependant on one of my kids or someone else. I want to be emotionally healthy and not just trading one coping skill for another. I sometimes wonder where I will be in 5 years, or 10. 

 I can't even imagine if I don't figure out a way off of this path.

To offset the mind game and inability to go back to sleep, I spent time pondering this morning on Easter, watched a beautiful video on Christ, and shed some more tears.  I am so grateful for his life and death. Grateful seems inadequate to express what it means to me personally that he broke the bands of death.  Yet, it doesn't take away the pain of just living without Madie.  The sting of death is such an oxymoron. 

 I always believed that Christ took away the pain of death, that because of him, it would be manageable.  Well that has proved to be a fallacy, either that or I am failing miserably.  Christ took away the absolute horror and hopelessness of never being with Madie again, and yet I hurt in ways that continue on and on and seems to have no end.  The sting of death is still very real for me.  She is gone for the rest of my time here on earth.  This feels like a horrible way to exist, and yet it is my responsibility to find my way through this, nobody can really do this for me.  So much of the time my life feels empty.  There have been some great moments but much of my time is spent contemplating life and what it now is, and that comes up with more unanswered questions then answered ones.  It feels very devoid of contentment, just existing...  

Last of all as I have spent much of this writing complaining, I want to end with gratitude.  It has always been my ticket to some kind of peace.  That and trying to enjoy whatever comes along that breaks up the monotony.  I find at times I am like a prickly cactus.  I am hurt, and tired of working so hard, and I don't always respond in kind ways.  Sometimes I just feel like everyone is busy and yet want to make time for me, but I find so much alone time, and that gets, challenging at best.  So here's to remembering!  I am grateful for all that is amazing in my life.  It's imperative that I remember because it helps balance the pain of the loss.  Yes I have some really great kids, that bring happy moments.  I have adorable grandkids, and that is such a gift, and I also have wonderful friends, who continue to find time in their hectic lives to spend time with me.  It is hard for me to reach out to others, cause to be honest I don't think many people have as much time to do nothing as I do, and because of that I tend to not want to bother people.  It is part of the challenge I face.   The whole social life is just messed up.  I wouldn't have understood why without going through this.  Anyways, enough of a pity party!
 I am grateful for my Savior and that he loves me, and that I know that I can talk to him and ask for help regardless of the time of day or night.  I don't always feel immediate relief, but I find in time usually within the day, that I start to feel better. This picture I took early this morning spoke to me.  I feel like I am the dead tree and Christ is the light.  I am still standing, but needing the light to heal me.

I spent a couple of hours here today, pondering on how to move ahead in a positive way...

Easter fun at the end of the day with my kids and grandkids...