Ten months...

I can't even begin to wrap my head around the places I have been over the past ten months.  I have dealt with situations that couldn't have happened without the complication of the crash that transferred Madie to a new mission and left Taylor on the brinks of death only to be saved by Bailee.
 To be a witness of his miraculous recovery, and to see the far reaching details of countless people who have supported our family in hundreds of different ways is mind boggling.  

 For example, I haven't been one to deep clean with any regularity at all, but we purchased a new cleaning system this week and as I was cleaning my room a couple of days ago, there were areas like in the closet where the dust was unbelievably thick.  As I was cleaning other areas like my blinds and window sills I thought "these aren't  as bad as I would have thought they should be." 
The thought came that probably when all the people were in my home helping with anything and everything while I was in a daze and then in Las Vegas, there was probably someone who decided to clean these areas.  

It made me stop and wonder how many unnoticed things had been cleaned or done that I hadn't really even been conscience of?  I thought of the meals, the cleaning, the ears and hearts that have listened, the rides offered, etc. The amount of help with the wedding is still overwhelming to me.  I think of how my girls still living at home were supported in myriads of ways.  All the different people who served and helped each of my grown children. The service offered to Taylor as he recovered over several months, is beyond my ability to grasp.  

I was humbled by my lack of acknowledgement for all the many, many  blessings that have been showered upon our family.  It wasn't that I was unaware, and yet I didn't really grasp the depth of the support. 

I thought of the headstone that Larry and I were designing yesterday for Madie and that we wanted to incorporate the sentence that has come to represent her. What started from a simple piece of paper hand written and taped to her bedroom mirror  "Kindness is the essence of Greatness" has come to mean so much to those of us left behind... I can only imagine how shocking it is for her to see the impact of this little act she performed, and yet ironically that her family would be the recipient of this very concept because of her passing and Taylor's injuries.

I have been working again on focusing on gratitude, and it does help, and yet there are moments when it doesn't matter how hard I try the dam is bursting and I can't contain the water any more. Today would be a prime example of that. 
 I woke up, felt great, exercised, was writing the above entry when Wendy Edredge arrived for a visit and trip to the Temple.  Sounds like a pretty ideal day, and yet there were times  when I felt this surge of emotions, tried to contain them, and eventually after several attempts the dam broke and I sobbed. 
 After recomposing myself and arriving home I  discover my computer wasn't working. I tried several things, decided to call Sterling and we tried more things. Eventually it rebooted and decided it would work again. I'm so thankful it wasn't a bigger problem, and yet there went another couple of more hours of not accomplishing anything that a mother needs to do just to maintain some type of order. 

I later had a long chat with a child, feeling happy to reconnect, only moments later to hear some very disturbing news that has left me feeling very vulnerable again late this evening.  
I must confess this isn't the normal tribute to Madie, 

but is a good conceptualization of how my days often seem to go.  

 I put a status on facebook a few minutes ago, and then decided to see what I had written this morning and as I read it I realized this is why my life feels so unpredictable right now. 
 I think my status is fitting to the emotional extremes that my days entail, which often make me wonder if I am going crazy. 

Facebook status: As much as I want to say that today has been good, it started good, it had good moments, but for the most part it was just another roller coaster ride.  I am feeling too old for the amusement park that doesn't seem to have an exit...

The good news is, tomorrow will bring a new ride and hope of the rainbow after the storm, which was how my morning started with this rainbow that was spotted that looked as though it went over our home...

lyrics from the song "If I die Young" that I heard for the first time yesterday only to find out that Madie used to sing this with MarShae. 

"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh, And life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no  Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby"



 Thanks for the rainbow Madie this morning on the 

10 month anniversary of your passing...