Diversions

Shopping?                   
                           "Yes please!" 

                      
  Traveling? 
                         "I'm right on it!" 

  Scrumptious food? 
           "The only type worth eating"...

   

Facebook,  Instagram...

 while entertaining and with some great merits,
 it's also another way to escape the passage of life that currently feels devoid of passion...

Diversions take on many forms and often are how I've thrown  interest into my life, and feel they have been great healing tools, and yet I wonder where the balance is...

I just enjoyed a ten day trip to Utah,

                 attending General Conference for the first time

 seeing Bailee and Taylor perform in the BYU Homecoming Spectacular 

with Rachelle and many friends,

  walking around BYU's campus,finding Madie's dorm,

exploring Provo

 trying to make sense of her really being gone.

My last morning in Utah I hiked up Rose Canyon and found myself completely away for any sign of human life.

 I only recently pieced together that the rose street signs that are everywhere in Herriman, Utah 

where I have visited 3 times since Madie died, are because this whole area was Rose Canyon before the homes which were built a few years ago. 
As I was nearing the end of my hike, I came across 3 deer; a buck, doe, and tiny fawn.  I immediately thought of my parents and Madie, a perfect little "hello". 

 So many aspects of the hike reminded me most especially of my dad and Madie.  it was a great way to end this journey to Utah.

As I returned home Monday night and found myself staring normalcy in the face, I struggled . When it was time to get out of bed the next morning, I found myself wanting to hide away into the world of sleep.  But, responsibility stepped in because Marielle needed a parent up while she got out the door to school.

I have felt this distressing reality looming overhead that it doesn't matter how much I escape or diverse, I have to at some point recognize the motive behind my behavior and decide if I am going to keep doing these things (which are blowing through money at a great rate of speed) or come to terms with routine, and the emptiness that is a constant battle within since losing Madie.  I figured  it was time to write and see what was going on inside my head...

I remembered 14 years ago when I had my last miscarriage at 15 weeks at the age of 40, Ryan was a senior in High School, I had six 6 children ranging from 3-17 years old, and I felt this unsettled feeling similar to what I am experiencing lately.  I didn't know what to do then and struggle with what to do now.  Most individuals in my life 14 years ago advised me to be finished and grateful for the children I had.  I clearly remember answers to my pleading heart about whether I should throw in the towel, (I had lost the last 2 pregnancies), or try again.  I sat down with a piece of paper and on one side I wrote the pros and on the other the cons to getting pregnant again.  Both lists were long but in the end I could see that if I got pregnant and delivered a baby that every opposing con was instantly wiped out. Even though this situation was very different, the feelings seem similar.  The perception of "I have tried so hard to do this, and I find myself feeling pretty beat up."
 I again pondered on all the things that have helped me over the past several months, and even with this understanding there are days when it is hard to find the courage to go through the same motions.  Stopping the addictions, diversions, escapes; whatever name I want to put on it sometimes leaves me numb to life.  I realized the only fear that seems prevalent in my life is "could the rest of my life be this devoid of passion?"

As I have pondered on this over the past 24 hours I have come to realize that in a very real way there are big changes that have happened to me in the past 10+ months.  First I have lost fear in most areas.  A state that used to dictate much of my daily decisions.  I lived in a box with fears of migraines, traveling, getting hurt, eating unhealthy, something happening that would be challenging to one of my children, a constant state of worry seemed to permeate much of my life.  Ironically these fears were washed away with so much else, on that fateful morning of  Nov 20, 2012. 

For example, on my last morning hike up Rose Canyon, I was in an unfamiliar place completely isolated, without telling anyone where I was, and yet I felt complete peace.  I wasn't worried, or scared about if something happened to me.  It was drizzling when I took off and I didn't have appropriate rain gear, but I didn't care.  I actually kind of liked the feeling of the light rain, that turned to snow. My hands and feet were freezing, yet I realized that in part it made me feel more alive.  This made me start examining how much my other diversions are doing the same.  
I saw the correlation. 

When Madie died there was a part of me that I created, that had died, gone without a goodbye.  I've come to believe that all of my diversions make me feel more alive.  They're out of my normal routine, reckless to some degree from who I have always been, and yet freeing also to not live with so many fears.  Living in a reality of  my worst nightmare (except if violence had been involved)  I have a sense of carelessness that I can't remember ever having. I have come to understand that stepping outside my box that I lived in for my adult life has been freeing, but it is also very strange for me, and for my family as well.  MarShae recently mentioned that I am a mother she has never known.  I thought that was very insightful because many days I don't know myself either, another strange aspect to my current life.  

I am not saying these diversions are bad necessarily, because I think new things, give us stimulation and enjoyment.  I do believe it is a short term fix, but I also perceive that the alternative is often not getting dressed or going anywhere for days, It's complicated at best!  I don't want to rely on the "fix" or "high" that I get from the adrenaline rush or excitement of a purchase, some delectable food, vacation, etc. 

 So what to do... I believe recognizing the pattern is the first step.  I precieve that it has been helpful to have these diversions because it helped to teach me that I need to find a middle ground somewhere.  Not seeking the thrill, but also not stuck immobilized either.

I can say that so much of what I spent this past month doing was amazing.  I am grateful for each experience, and that there were so many things to be excited about and something to look forward to.  I had a wonderful time, but I also realize that I am not being financially solvent, or responsible as a parent to my last two girls, and need to establish a balance.

 I have felt splintered in so many different ways.  First and foremost, dealing with my own broken heart. Second is staying as connected as possible to Larry as we both try to understand our own journey of grieving the lose of our daughter.  Right behind this is concern for each of my children who are trying to figure out how this has forever changed them and how to process their new life. 

A fork in the road...
 Grateful for the understanding of my behavior, with the challenge of how to proceed, and the determination to keep putting one foot in front of the other regardless of how messy this journey is.    

Also eliminating pressure on myself as I discover and face the fear of "will the rest of my life be devoid of passion?"  I am grateful for the writing process that helps me understand my wanderings and gives them a voice,  hopefully so that I can comprehend what I am really dealing with and running from.  

I firmly believe that healing will come, that a semblance of joy will return, but also understanding that complete joy will not be a part of my life till our family is again reunited with Madeline Rose, 

who was close enough to perfect to be taken from the challenges of living in our world today. 

She does give me the inspiration to want to strive to be better each day so that through the grace of my Savior Jesus Christ I can be reunited with her again.

And that is where complete peace comes...