Struggling with Sacrifice

I have been contemplating on many things over the past few days.,  One being a feeling of trying to come to terms with the personal sacrifice I struggle with daily on losing Madie.

  I can see many blessings, and miracles and wonderful lessons that I have personally learned, but at the end of the day, the lessons behind, she is still gone, and my life has been forever altered.  As I work to figure out how to bridge the two different worlds of my life before Madie died and since I find that it is like having two gears spinning in opposite directions and when they touch there is just a collision of the two.  I often try to slow them down working to find a way to mesh the two and it seems to work only to find that it isn't permanent.  I often feel that my sacrifice for all this good is too much for me and I succumb to grief.. I just really miss her and realize in a very tangible way that as the years go by that I will continue to miss her dearly. 

 I believe it is because she is a part of me, and that part is dead.  So whatever band aids or diversions of creating or whatever I do to escape these deep feelings, I still come back to feeling like part of me is dead..

I have tried to look at this from a different perspective.  I know she is in a great place, busy and working and learning.  I don't have to worry about her any more.  Those things help but I still miss her in ways that can't be explained.  I wonder if with the wedding over that was a part of the accident if I don't feel like the last door has closed and now I just get to figure this thing out.   Missing her in ways that can't be spoken.  Feeling like I have been hitting my head against a wall this week so I am just going to let it flow, so that I can see where I will go from here.  

I came across this today and it gave me some comfort. I pray to be able to become the person I need to be.

 I think sometimes I just have to allow the grief to sit and not try and move through it so quickly... That is my latest challenge ...