9/11.. Insights into my feelings on grieving

Today is my mother's birthday and also a day  as a nation when we stop and remember life and the fragileness of the illusions that we create of safety and security.  The idea that life will always be how we envisioned it.
 9/11 is a day that we realize collectively what it feels like to be vulnerable, a feeling that has permeated my life since Madie died..

My mother, Madeline and I in Kanab Ut,  for Larry's sister Vickie's memorial service. The only other time Madie had been to Kanab, where her body was taken care of after the accident in Orderville Ut.

I find myself facing the unknown again, feeling precarious now that the big events that were in the works when Madie died are over. 

 The wedding has happened,

the new babies have come,

Samuel Hyrum Morris 6/27/2013

Belle Elise Maxon 6/29/2013

 the hype has worn down and I am trying to figure out the direction I should move my focus to.

  I have so much that needs my attention, rooms to clean, bathrooms to remodel, the front of our home needs to be completely redone, and yet none of these seem right at this point. I also have my girls into a new school year with the adjustments of junior high for Marielle and scheduling demands for MarShae.  Maybe I need to take a month and just get my bearings. 

 I often feel pressure to fit into some kind of box. I imagine it is self imposed, kind of like there is some right way to grieve and I need to do it right.  I wonder if it has anything to do with the perfectionist side of me, who knows...

 I do know this thing called grief is something that almost everyone gets their turn at, and yet there is a small part of our culture and conditioning that believes with time, it is something that will magically get better.  I don't know that I will ever really get over losing Madie, but I do believe I am learning how to live with the reality that she is gone.

 I realize I need to go through this process of grieving, yet I also enjoy regular diversions, something new to look forward to. They seem to help avoid the slide into a deep cavern of depression.  Even so, I have come to  believe that grief mirrors depression, and yet is different. 

 There are the feelings of apathy, and not wanting to engage in the trivial things of life that is often a battle, yet at other times seem to be okay and almost enjoyable again. With the fun experiences I find an inner conflict of feeling guilty if I find myself having a great time, thoughts like "how can you be enjoying yourself with Madie not here as a part of your life?"  As her mother I feel like I am betraying my loyalty to her, hence the internal conflict.. 

Grief at times is debilitating.  At other times I feel almost normal, and yet in the recesses of my mind I know that I am dealing with a pretty abnormal situation.  This doesn't mean that I feel picked on or sorry for myself, (well sometimes I do feel sorry for myself because I don't like what has happened, and wish that Madie was still here.)  But I mean sorry for myself,  like I have the worst life ever, or this is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone.  It may be the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I am grateful to know that I can't think of anything worse that could happen... well, except to have lost more children or to be in excruciating pain and dealing with the lose as well, or violence tied to the death. So it could be worse, but to lose Madie at the prime of her life, when I felt like I had given her everything I could for her to fly on her own, is really hard. 
 I have wondered if it would have been easier if it had been a few years later, when I was more used to her being gone, and better adjusted to not having her around.  I guess a few months helped me get used to it in some way, but I hate that the last time she was home to visit we didn't get much time together.  I hate that I can't remember hugging her goodbye, or even much about the last morning I was with her.  I remember the night before, and think it might be that I had a headache that morning when I was driving her to the airport, so I don't have much of a memory of her leaving.  I do remember the last time I skyped with her and how excited she was about serving a mission.  She kept saying "I finally know what I am supposed to do!" Then she would roll her eyes, classic Madie 

I was asked at one point if I thought it would be harder to have lost her after she was married and had children.  My immediate reaction was "No!" and yet I don't know what that would feel like.  I do feel like it would help though to have children that were hers, that I could love and a piece of her to live on, but I am sure there would be complications with that loss that would be very difficult that I don't have to face with losing her at this stage of her life. 
 I have also been asked if it would have been easier to lose her when she was young, and again my response was NO!  I don't know what that would feel like, but I am grateful to have had the 18 1/2 years with her.  I imagine in some ways it would be double edged.  There would be less invested emotionally and physically in a younger child, but then there would be all the things that I wouldn't get to experience with her that I was able to experience with Madie.  
This has taught me a few things. 
 First, it is impossible to know what someone else is going through.  Even if there are similarities, it is still not possible.  We can have some understanding of loss, or of grief, and of deep penetrable sadness, but every life situation, challenge and prior experience creates a different path for the individual. I have learned that I can't really judge or understand someone else's suffering, but I can offer an ear to listen, a smile, a hug, a note or a text. I can also pray for them, which I have felt the power of personally. Sometimes I have learned it is best to leave them alone, and that is the hardest part for me is to know what is the right approach. 

Because of this, I do understand that others may not know what to do with me for the same reason.  I have found for me that listening is very helpful. I have learned that people are really great, and they want to see that I am doing well.  I want to please them, and yet at times it is impossible to pretend.  I have always been a very sensitive person, and my emotions are easily brought to the surface, and yet it isn't anyone's fault or a bad thing if it happens when I am talking with them. (just to clear the air on that one)  It actually means that I trust you with my feelings to let them come up.  Otherwise I would do a lot more stuffing down of what might be on the surface, and not allow myself to be anything but stoic when around others. Sometimes it just isn't possible the emotions just come tumbling out.  Allowing me to express my feelings and talk about Madie or how I am doing is therapeutic.  I sometimes worry when I am away from someone,  if it wasn't too much talk about me and my problems, or if they were overwhelmed or really uncomfortable.  I trust that they will be blessed for having listened to me. 
I often remind myself that this is a phase of my life right now that I have no experience with, so even if I am writing, or talking to myself, it helps to just let my brain flow. If someone else is listening often it flows better, bringing clarity of where I am at that point in my journey. 

Another thing that I have discovered is that there aren't exactly stages of grief.  I think there is just more a sense of in and out of different aspects, but getting angry once doesn't mean it won't come boiling out again.   I remember a lady asking me once what stage of grief I was in and which ones I had been through. I tried to explain that for me it is layers and layers of different emotions that come and go  that I revisit at different times depending on the circumstances.  At times I am in denial, like this is someone else's life that I am discussing.  Other times I am angry or frustrated.  Sometimes I am despondent. Nothing sounds good, or worth putting energy into.Then there are moments when I have a lot of stored grief that is about to come boiling over. It's like a dam that has just broke, with all the force behind the rushing water, spilling out.  I often try to hold back this eruption, unless I am in a private setting. This is the really ugly kind, (not eyes tearing up or even a bit of crying) no I mean the I can't breath because it hurts so deeply. Tears that are filled with despair and sorrow, I have come to understand the term "wailing women or mothers."  
Then there are times when life feels kind of normal and really okay.  This is a really nice break, but so far seems to be temporary moments, although they do seem to stretch for longer periods of time then they used to.  I tell myself frequently, "life is a series of choices, each day choosing how you will live with what challenges or opportunities life has presented."

 I have discovered that there are so many ways to grieve.  I see it in my own family and in others.  I have often wondered why I was directed by the Lord to be so open about my journey, because there are times I want to go hide some place and not let anyone in.  But as I really think about doing that, and promptings I received right after Madie died, I remember that complete private grieving isn't to be my journey.  I think the Lord knew for me to find healing, that being open would be best. I believe for this reason he gave me the prompting that writing about my journey would bless other peoples lives, but it was my choice. 
 He knew me well enough to know that I wouldn't write for myself, because I haven't ever been prone to record my life experiences, but that it would help me if I wrote consistently.  So by my thinking I could bless others, it would give me purpose behind writing.  I hope that in sharing it has benefited others as well, because there are times it is difficult to open up again with the ramblings coursing through my brain. Honestly it is hard to say, "this is still really excruciating, and I don't know if it will ever be something that isn't broken within my heart."
 Ultimately though I think the writing has been a blessing for me. 

 There is so much in my life that I need to be grateful for, and as often seems the case, it is easy to focus on the lose instead of the blessings. That's when I have chats with myself and with Heavenly Father. Gratitude in any form usually helps to some degree. 
 Since I have been in a what's been hard mode today,  I will end with one more. It has been hard to observe the effects on each family member, and yet feel so helpless to do very much to sustain them through their grieving. Again I have seen countless angels who have filled in offering help or happiness where needed.
 I will be forever grateful for Taylor's miraculous recovery, and yet it has been challenging as his mother to see him go through something of this magnitude, and yet feel so helpless and dependent on others to take care of him and to be removed from his journey of healing both physically and emotionally. I will be forever grateful most especially to the Booth's  and Bailee who cared for him in very personal ways as he slowly gained his independence back. There are so many people who have added support to this being so much easier than it would have been. I am often amazed at the many different things that have been offered that has lightened this burden. I am grateful!

                                          I continually pray that my family will heal. 
                                                   Each member in their own way.
           That we will be stronger and closer for having gone through this experience.

 I ask my mother, on this her birthday to be close by and help me grow into who I need to become.

 I continually pray to see Madie in the details of our lives and am so grateful for all the little coincidences that remind me of her that course throughout each of my days. 
 I pray for guidance and direction  to know what I can do, to help each of us get back to the presence of our Heavenly Father, and to be reunited with our family members who are now gone. That each one of us can find peace in our Savior's Atonement as we go through this opportunity to become more like him... 

I guess that's the journey of life...