Life brings other challenges

I am grateful for six hours of sleep!

I have been dealing with shingles for the past 2+ weeks, and this past week struggled to sleep without medications to ease some of the pain.

I was starting to become worried about the addiction to the meds that I could see was happening, and so I decided to not take the hydrocodone or anything that might help me sleep. I have had 3 nights this week where sleep didn't come till after 5:30 am and then only for about 3 hours. That was enough crazy for one week, because I am also in varrying degrees of phsical pain.

The parodox was understanding that sleep was where healing could come and a break from the pain, and yet deep concerns about the long term effects of the drugs. In the past I have struggled with insomnia and addiction to pain meds from years of migraines, so the inability to sleep without something helping, even if it was benedryl was causing me additional stress and concern. (Benydryl often results in waking with a headache, so not the best option for me).

Stress is a large factor in a shingles outbreak, that and a compromised immune system. So more stress over the worry of not sleeping, and the drug addiction I could see was forming was what led me to starting gratitude posts publicly again.

Some additional things I am grateful to be learning.

Even though I woke up at 3 am I was incredibly grateful to have slept drug free, and med free. I am grateful for comfort that has come through my Savior when I felt broken. I am thankful for people who have reached out and been kind and loving. I am grateful for being able to wean myself off of pain meds during an 8 hour day in the temple Saturday. Even though sleep didn't come that night, and I felt I like I was losing it mentally all day Sunday, I had some breakthrough inspirations that came during church. One was that my physical pain had been lifted almost completely. I had thought maybe I was finished with shingles pain, until I woke up with renewed spirits but searing burning pain again this morning. It was then very clear that I had been spared physical pain all day Sunday. I could see that I was being helped to continue my quest to remain drug free. It has encouraged me to ride this pain cycle out again, because I also feel that I am healing physically, and grateful for direction and answers that have come during this experience. I am grateful to have a different level of compassion then I had before experiencing something that doesn't have an end date. (I have heard and read many horror stories, and honestly feel like I can't imagine this being a chronic condition).

I have been grateful that having shingles has given me the motivation that nothing else has been able to do since Madie died to return to a healthy lifestyle. It was something that Madie and I did together, and I struggled from the beginning being able to continue.

It has been easier then I thought it ever could be, but I have learned from this that intense pain makes other things like hunger or food, not seem so appealing. I realized that every time I have attempted to return to eating healthier, I haven't had the ability to last more then a few days. This is an added gift and blessing from this experience, and helps me have hope for the future.

I am grateful that Marielle decided to take charge of a very difficult situation yesterday, because I was beyond discouraged. She made dinner, got a puzzle out for me to work on to distract me, and quoted a scripture to me as I drove her to a youth activity.

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life” (2 Nephi 31:20).

I marveled at who she is becoming and felt immense gratitude that she is here during this period of my life.