The ebbs and flow of Grief

I have diverted and 17 second shifted away from grief for the past 2 months.  It has helped and yet when I find myself with nothing exciting to focus on it comes at me like a ton of bricks, and the flood gates open again.  I have come to accept that I may never completely heal from losing Madie, and yet I hope for it to be different.

That said, I have talked with several mothers who have lost children with many years behind them who have shared that the wound that encompasses your whole being initially eventually shrinks, but at times is just as huge as it ever was.  They've said it's less frequent and not as lasting when the periods come. 

 I have struggled with still expressing my vulnerability because there is a part of me that has performed much of my life on some type of stage.  That part wants to pretend that I am now for the most part okay.  While I am much better then I was a year ago, I still have times that I wish I had been the one who died, and didn't have to walk this path that is so difficult.
So why share now?
 I guess it is because I realize there are so many others who are grieving and many who don't understand the journey.  Therefore  if exposing the depths of my pain again (15 months out), maybe it will help others to better understand as they walk the path either personally or as the onlooker.  As hard as it is to still share my weakness when I want to be better all the time, in sharing I'm doing what I initially set out to do with this blog; share my journey regardless of how messy it may be....

This isn't a cry for help or sympathy, 

just understanding.  

As I wander down this path, and find myself again looking for the next ride to get more time between the present and returning home to my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ, and my sweet girl, I realize that it's just a series of steps.  My hope is that in looking for my next big divergence, that it will carry me to a happier place then I currently find myself.  I have a game on my phone that has become an addiction for me.  I have played it in all my spare time to avoid my right brain, (creative, spiritual, emotional hemisphere) and it has helped me to escape to a very safe left brain existence over the past month(analytical hemisphere of the brain).  But even though this game has given me a nice break from grieving, I don't want to spend my whole life in one addition after another, and I have vacillated through many, shopping, eating etc.  

How to proceed, 

that's what I am trying to figure out.
 I feel like I am at a point of discovery.

 I'm grateful for the things that my children are involved with that bring me joy.  These things help time to pass and bring wonderful fulfilling experiences.  They also bring me joy in moments and let me escape my grief for periods of time.  But then I find myself again facing the very jaws of hell, as I again have to find meaning in the aspects of time. Have I mentioned time?  It is such a weird aspect to how our brains work. 

 We store many memories in long term storage, they aren't in our conscious moments, and yet it only takes a smell or a thought to take us back to the experience feeling like it just happened.  That is why the 17 second rule is so helpful, a wonderful tool, but I have discovered that after diverting away from grief over many accumulating moments that my body starts to let me know that I have to let it go.  This weekend it would have appeared in a ridiculous headache that stuck around for three days.  (It gave me a lot of time to ponder, and pray for help)  It's part of why I am writing because I feel like grief can be controlled with the 17 second rule but eventually at least for me I had to take time to honor it and really let it surface again.  I also want to find peace, not something that I am always trying to manage the fallout, but internal peace....

The rest of my post is my thoughts to Madie...

Dear sweet Madeline Rose,
I have now lived 464 days, without you and it has been the longest hardest period of my life, but you already know that.  I miss everything about you!  I am grateful for your hard work to communicate to me through various things that I take as "Madie hello's"  I wish I could communicate with you better, but I am thankful to now not have faith in a belief, but to know that we exist when we die, and that the spirit world that you are now a part of is right here, so very close.  I am so grateful for the help you continue to send, and wish I could see what it is you are doing, but my eyes don't pierce the veil as I wish they could.  The massage chair this morning was really a cool hello from you.  When it sat me up minutes before my piano lesson I thought, "Madie's telling you to get up and get ready!"
  I am jealous so often of your perspective on the big plan, but I know that you are always watching out for us as we grope through the sludge of recovery.
I would give anything to feel you and give you a hug, to tell you how very, very much I miss you.  Until my eyes see as you can now see, I continue to work at finding peace and happiness in life  without your physical presence.
Thanks for all you help me to be,
Love Mom