Personal changes that have occurred since Madie died

On the eve of returning to Houston after a week in Utah with Taylor and Bailee and friends, I wanted to record some of my thoughts about how my life has changed in the past almost 15 months.
I feel like the person I was on November 20, 2012 died with my daughter Madeline Rose, and part of the challenge has been to figure out who I am and how to continue to live with meaning and purpose.

I lived with fear before Madie died, and for some reason I live with very little fear now.  I feared headaches: Traveling because of related migraines, eating anything that wasn't healthy.  In fact my typical diet was a green smoothie for breakfast, loaded with lots of healthy oils, greens fruits, nuts and protein... a salad for dinner, and protein from organic sources.  I ate very little sugar,  dairy, gluten, and never hardly ate anyone else's cooking or restaurant food.  I had lived and breathed this healthy lifestyle for several years.  I feel like it is now another life.  I remember doing those things, but because so much of it happened during Madie's teenage years, and she became my partner in healthy living, including my exercise buddy, I have a very hard time putting the effort into being that person now.  I have attempted several times to return, but it feels like I am trying to live in someone else's life.  Too strange.

I now eat whatever sounds good, and just spent a week eating out at least once every day (it's so weird, but fun).  My diet is the biggest shift that has happened.  I would still like to find a healthy balance, but it is a part of my life that is still completely altered.

I also have traveled extensively since Madie died.  I hadn't been on an airplane in three years when she passed away.(I had developed a phobia of traveling because I found myself with severe migraines that ruined several trips consecutively)  This wouldn't have changed except for the necessity to fly out to Las vegas to be with Taylor.  I found myself in a completely feared environment, but through a priesthood blessing of healing I was given the day of the accident, I was blessed that I wouldn't have problems with headaches, and I can say that it immediately became a personal miracle.
 I have now flown 7 times since she died and have loved the freedom of traveling again.  It has helped to have the trips to look forward to, because being home alone during the day often gets difficult if I am not careful with my thoughts.  I have reconnected with old friends and relatives, and that has been wonderful!

I find that I don't sweat the small stuff like I used to, and that I honor whatever helps me feel happy, avoiding the slippery slope to depression. I have learned that as I have worked my way around this issue, that it isn't something that someone heals from but rather it is something that you figure out how to live with.  The loss is always there not too far from my thoughts, ant really not hard to pull up the emotions of grief and sadness.  I have found that I like doing things for others that is unexpected, that it brings me happiness as I see them surprised, and that helps to make my day feel better.  I also have learned how to use the 17 second rule like it is an old friend.  It doesn't mean that I am never sad or even extremely distraught, but I am able to better control when it happens.  That is true for everything but church.  That is still the place that I am the most vulnerable.  I think it is because it is when I recall my week, and try to figure out how I can do better, what the Lord wants me to do, and it is when I am the most connected to the spirit, which also means I am in my right brain emotional territory.

I must confess that I have developed an addiction to a game on my phone.  It is something that has helped me pass time and for some reason I find when I play that I don't think about being sad.  It is analytically challenging that constantly has new problems to figure out. For that reason, at this point I am taking it as something to get me through more time.  I can say that even though time doesn't heal the wound, it does ease the rawness, and has helped me want to be more engaged in the land of the living instead of the land of the dead.  It is a very real choice that I have to make, but a choice none the less.

I also feel that it is important to me to find ways to lift others as the opportunities arise in my day to day activities.  This brings me purpose, that otherwise would be lacking.

This isn't brilliant writing but it's where I am now in my journey.  I miss Madeline Rose every waking moment, but have learned to live mostly in my left brain as of late, and that seems to make the day to day easier.  The 17 second rule works, and I am grateful to now know when I feel the emotions rising, that I need to shift and just thinking shift, diverts me to letting the emotion subside.