I have sewn costumes, and witnessed some happy faces from the girls whose costumes I have worked on. It's nice to make others happy. I am grateful to have had these opportunities.
Even so the show is in crunch time and their are numerous costumes for this show. As I was working yesterday I found myself struggling and had some Madie moments as well. I got some sleep but not enough probably because we have church early and it takes me awhile to unwind sometimes, but I still felt ready for church but wasn't prepared to get hit with several songs that opened up a deep gashing wound inside. Church is a hard place to divert that combined with the fatigue I was soon having the meltdown that I have diverted from for awhile now.
The opening song was, "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord" Since Madie has died we have sang it in church over 10 times when I include Relief Society. I kind of laughed it off and thought I am not going to let this get me. I felt like I diverted well.
After the sacrament there were two youth speakers and as the second talked I had some memories surfacing. She's a beautiful girl that I have distinct memories of conversations with Madie concerning her. I still was doing alright until the choir sang a song that could easily be my theme song that I directed and rehearsed during the last weeks Madie lived at home. We performed it on her 18th and last birthday during Stake conference. I immediately identified the accompaniment with a song that I knew that I loved, but the song initially evaded my recollection as to why. Then with the first lyrics "Have I Done Any Good in the World Today" the memories came tumbling back and I remembered all the tears I shed directing this song during rehearsals and even a few when we performed it. Partially because the words are powerful but more so the arrangement is inspired. I found my tears flowing; no diversion was coming. It spoke everything to my heart of the final days I spent with Madie.
Three of the weekends that I was directing this song I had spent the day before fixing Madie's hair for various proms that she went to with Sawyer. Those memories and my fatigue as a mother for that child came back. Even though my fatigue presently is for a different child the effect of the music was the same, I wept.
I then redirected briefly to my phone to silence my tears. I soon was back in control only to have the closing hymn be "Called to Serve" That was the final straw for my perfect storm. Madie sang this song the first time she was attending conference in the conference center with Rachelle, during the conference weekend of the historic change in missionary age. I then attended a year later for my first time only to have the same song be the intermediate hymn while I was singing between Taylor and Wendy Eldredge.
I understand we are called to serve, I actually sang this song the year it was written as a solo at the age of 11 in church. BUT now it is too connected to the last year and a half, and I was already vulnerable.
When the meeting was over I decided that I was finished for today, and went out to the cemetery which I have wanted to do for some time. I sat in the sun on a beautiful day and let the grief wash through me.
When I returned home it was a tender mercy to have scrolling through my computer pictures from Madie's senior photo shoot with Cami. I noticed her in the white dress that we buried her in and I thought how symbolic that I returned from sitting on her grave wondering about what was still left in the casket, and there it was Madie in the flesh in her 3rd white dress. I cried some more tears as I recalled how happy she was at this time in her life.
I see a long nap this afternoon, and hope that the sleep will give me a fresh start, a do over for the rest of the day.
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