Why Does God Let People Die Young? (Madie's boyfriend Sawyer's blog post from yesterday)

1/20/2014

This week was good. We are getting ready for Courtney's baptism this weekend.  I'm so excited to meet with her and get her all prepped and ready for her big day!!

Today is January 20th. 14 months since Madeline Rose's passing. I miss her so much. I’m excited to be doing the same work that she is doing. The plan of salvation is real!

This past week I had the opportunity to use Madie’s story to grow closer with an investigator. Her name is Nia. She is 13. She lost her mother about 8 months ago. She has had little to no religious background, so there were heavy questions weighing on her."Why is God leading people in different directions?"  "Why would a God who you say loves all of us let my mother die?" 

The Spirit was strong. We taught about Joseph Smith and how he wondered where he needed to go and who he could join with to find the truth, much like how Nia wondered; there were so many people going in different directions. We told her the story of the first vision and how Joseph Smith received his answer. 

http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2009-02-04-the-message-of-the-restoration?category=mormon-messages/mormon-messages-2009&&lang=eng

We testified of the truthfulness of this story and how it can and has changed us. We then started talking about her second question.  This was a hard one for me to answer. I know our Heavenly Father loves us. I know he gives us trials to give us strength. But why would he do this to her? This is the hardest part. We do not understand all of Gods ways. 

 Isaiah 55: 8-9:

8:For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

9:For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Its hard to accept what we do not understand. But the Spirit testified to me that this is true. Yes I did lose Madie. Yes I will miss her for the rest of my life. But I must, we all must, accept our Fathers will and continue in Faith.

Your Missionary,  Elder Eldredge

The perfect storm

I have found with the best of intentions sometimes I am hit with the perfect storm.  I would say one has been in the making over the past 24 hours, but came to a head during church this morning.  I have had a really great January so far, enjoying my involvement with Klein's musical that MarShae is participating in.

I have sewn costumes, and  witnessed some happy faces from the girls whose costumes I have worked on.  It's nice to make others happy.  I am grateful to have had these opportunities.
  Even so the show is in crunch time and their are numerous costumes for this show. As I was working yesterday I found myself struggling and had some Madie moments as well.  I got some sleep but not enough probably because we have church early and it takes me awhile to unwind sometimes, but I still felt ready for church but wasn't prepared to get hit with several songs that opened up a deep gashing wound inside.  Church is a hard place to divert that combined with the fatigue I was soon having the meltdown that I have diverted from for awhile now.

 The opening song was, "I'll go where you want me to go dear Lord"  Since Madie has died we have sang it in church over 10 times when I include Relief Society.  I kind of laughed it off and thought I am not going to let this get me.  I felt like I diverted well.

After the sacrament there were two youth speakers  and as the second talked I had some memories surfacing.  She's a beautiful girl  that I have distinct memories of conversations with Madie concerning her.  I still was doing alright until the choir sang a song that could easily be my theme song that I directed and rehearsed during the last weeks Madie lived at home. We performed it on her 18th and last birthday during Stake conference.  I immediately identified the accompaniment with a song that I knew that I loved, but the song initially evaded my recollection as to why.  Then with the first lyrics "Have I Done Any Good in the World Today"   the memories came tumbling back and I remembered all the tears I shed directing this song during rehearsals and even a few when we performed it.  Partially because the words are powerful but more so the arrangement is inspired.  I found my tears flowing; no diversion was coming.  It spoke everything to my heart of the final days I spent with Madie.
 Three of the weekends that I was directing this song I had spent the day before fixing Madie's hair for various proms that she went to with Sawyer.  Those memories and my fatigue as a mother for that child came back.  Even though my fatigue presently is for a different child the effect of the music was the same, I wept.
  I then redirected briefly to my phone to silence my tears.  I soon was back in control only to have the closing hymn be "Called to Serve"  That was the final straw for my perfect storm.  Madie sang this song the first time she was attending conference in the conference center with Rachelle, during the conference weekend of the historic change in missionary age.  I then attended a year later for my first time only to have the same song be the intermediate hymn while I was singing between Taylor and Wendy Eldredge. 
 I understand we are called to serve, I actually sang this song the year it was written as a solo at the age of 11 in church.  BUT now it is too connected to the last year and a half, and I was already vulnerable.

When the meeting was over I decided that I was finished for today, and went out to the cemetery which I have wanted to do for some time.  I sat in the sun on a beautiful day and let the grief wash through me.
When I returned home it was a tender mercy to have scrolling through my computer pictures from Madie's senior photo shoot with Cami.  I noticed her in the white dress that we buried her in and I thought how symbolic that I returned from sitting on her grave wondering about what was still left in the casket, and there it was Madie in the flesh in her 3rd white dress.  I cried some more tears as I recalled how happy she was at this time in her life.

I miss you Madeline Rose, some days it's just too hard to live in the present, and today I needed to spend with you.
I see a long nap this afternoon, and hope that the sleep will give me a fresh start, a do over for the rest of the day.

January brings blessings

This past week has been personally amazing! 

 I have been involved in Klein High's musical as I have mentioned before, and there is something magical for me personally to be able to help with their production and get to know many of the students and spend time with the instructors. 

(a few members of the cast and crew)

 I have come to appreciate what devoted service the directors offer as they give up their spare time during musical season tutoring students from so many different backgrounds, abilities and needs.

First rehearsal with the orchestra

I also was able to be a part of my grand daughter Laura's baptism that I watched my son Ryan perform, another milestone in my life. 

 I ask myself repeatedly how I am old enough to be having these experiences? 

 Laura was so happy and it was a wonderful time with her and her family.  
Both of these activities were part of what I knew I had to look forward to, but was caught completely by surprise when a dear friend decided this week to honestly investigate my religion and began meeting with the missionaries.  This is the first time I have been a part of something like this.  The joy I feel to know I played a part in her journey and to see her joy as she feels like so much of it makes sense.  Witnessing the spirit confirm truth to her has been a treasured experience.  
I was able to attend a discussion with the missionaries at her home this week. I felt like a kid on Christmas morning witnessing her excitement.  

I attended church with her today in the ward she lives in and was able to hear a friend of our family, speak about his experiences from his mission.  He served in the Bronx and Manhattan and to see the change in him was amazing. He spoke about diligence, patience and faith. He shared a few incredible stories where he learned these principles.  

He ended with a quote that Taylor shared when he returned from his mission.  I have had it on a door in our home  since Taylor returned  a few years ago. It is something I like to review often.

"I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed.  The dye has been cast.  The decision has been made.  I have stepped over the line.  I won’t look back, let up, slow down, or be still .

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future, is secure.  I’m finished and done with low living, small planning, smooth knees,colorless dreams,tainted visions, mundane talking, cheap giving and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity.  I don’t have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.  I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk with patience, am uplifted by prayer and labor with power.

My face is set, my gait is fast my goal is Heaven. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my guide is reliable, my mission is clear.  I can not be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed.  I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won’t give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, spoken for the cause of Christ.  I am a disciple of Jesus Christ.  I must go ‘till He comes, give ‘till I drop, preach ‘till aIl know, and work ‘till He stops me. And when he returns for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear."

Happy Sunday!

Hope of good things to come,..

As the new year was approaching, I found myself constantly pondering on the significance of the end of the holiday season for me personally. I was grateful to have a way to mark off the end of the most trying year of my life.  It was strange to have the New Year approaching at the end of the most personally challenging holiday season I have been conscience through.  Last year with Madie dying at Thanksgiving time, and Taylor's near death, then miraculous recovery occurring during the holiday's I find myself with only faint recollections of 2012's holidays.  

This year was completely different, and my gut instinct was to run fast and hard, but my responsible self knew that I needed to find a way to celebrate for my family.  
I am grateful for discovering the 17 second rule because it gave me tools to maneuver through all the landmines of our holiday traditions. Although there were some rough moments during the last half of December, it was far better then the first half had begun.  Christmas day was better then I expected on many levels even though I woke with a dull  headache that followed me through the next few days. In spite of that I thoroughly enjoyed how happy everyone was, and watching the joy my children felt at really surprising others with wonderful gifts. It was a beautiful experience to see them grow into being "Santa's", and the joy that comes from making others really happy.

 On the flip side though, I finally realize I had to let some pent up emotions explode .  It was hard because I wasn't alone, but finally determined that my headache wasn't going to improve until I did.  I went out to my car and had a full blown temper tantrum (it happens).  I found it helped my headache to finally dissipate. I was so angry that Madie was dead, and that getting through the holidays took so much mental focus and discipline. To try and explain the depth of my longing to have some kind of physical connection with her is impossible.  
Even so as I looked to the new year I wanted to know what the Lord's will was for me.  "What things could I do or change to help 2014 be better?" 
  After much thought and prayer the answer came fairly simply, your super power this year is Love.  Unconditionally loving others will be what brings the most peace, and makes the most profound changes in the quality of my life.  I have thought about this relentlessly over the past week.

  My super power is love!  

It is what every human longs for. Love works when nothing else will.  I'll admit it's easier said then done, but having  pondered on it at length I am more aware when I find myself judging, frustrated or unhappy with someone or their actions.  As I try to see each person through eyes of unconditional love, then my 17 second rule becomes a new way of living.  I find myself applying it's concepts with the principles of unconditional love, realizing I have a very short window of time to redirect my thoughts.  It is the next step in my 17 second challenge.  So far it has brought peace and joy when I chose to overlook the irritants that are human nature in all of us, and envision children of God who are struggling through mortality. 2014 has seemed easier, better.  There is something symbolic I guess to closing off a year and beginning another.  I've already had some wonderful moments.
My favorite would have to be the privilege of attending a vocal concert Jan 3rd featuring soprano Rachelle Woolston. Even though the music was diverse and technically challenging, Rachelle was brilliant. Her musicality stirred emotions deep within my soul.  I knew I was experiencing something rare, as I felt my soul connect with her. 
She concluded the evening with "Abide with Me Tis Eventide"  I found cleansing tears flowing unashamedly.  I sensed that heaven was aware of me, as I experienced the beauty of her performance.

It was a perfect beginning to 2014.

I have also been working on some costumes for Klein's musical that MarShae is participating in and have had some treasured moments with MarShae and others who are involved in the production. 
This would be another favorite  moment as MarShae 

 entered the land of sewing, and helped with her costumes. She also made a skirt for another cast member with her friend Rachel working on a skirt as well.  I enjoyed the process of teaching them a new skill and their personal satisfaction when they realized what they had accomplished and that's what 2014 looks like so far in my world...