There are so many different types of tears, today's were a mixture from many feelings spilling out of my heart. Tears of Joy at the soon to be wedding that we are flying out to be a part of this evening. Tears of comfort that Madie isn't forgotten. Tears of gratitude as I read and looked at the memory book complied back in December by girls on Madie's floor in her dorm at BYU that somehow made it to my door today. Tears of heartache as I again ponder on all that was so amazing about her and how she naturally made people feel, a reminder of all the wonderful things that are vacant from my life with her gone.
So the agenda for today was put on the back burner to be continued when I get back in town, because I had a little side trip of memories that I went on.
Madie nuances flooding my brain. I miss her in ways that can't be described, and with my time short before we leave, this post will be brief, but I wanted to remember the coincidence of this showing up today.
I was talking with a good friend who lost her husband suddenly this morning on trying not to have expectations going into the wedding because first of all, it isn't my day, and I don't want to bring my agenda to this long awaited celebration. So many things that have caused me to stop and shed a tear or two this week as I have wondered about how this will feel. The understanding that this will be the first time our whole family will be together since Madie died.
Realizing that at least for me, I will know she is not physically present, but can only imagine how she would be dancing at the celebration if she were.
I like to think that she will be celebrating in her own way too. She was the first one to be with Taylor and Bailee after their engagement was official.
Texts between Madie and Bailee:
B: CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GOING TO BE REAL SISTERS?!?!
M: IT IS SO CRAZY! you already feel like a sister to me :D I'm so glad we are going to be official sisters in a few months!!!
She was super excited that they were getting married. Certain aspects of joy will be incomplete for me until we are together again as a whole family, but I have pondered on the importance of celebrating this wonderful occasion with our family in spite of my grieving heart. I am trusting that I will be held up and surrounded by loving angels as I oh too well feel the absence of what I am about to experience, and that joy will fill my heart.
That said, I can't begin to express from my other mother heart how happy and excited I am for Taylor and Bailee and look forward to this weekend, when great blessings will occur as they are married for not only time, but have the ability to have it sealed into the Eternities..
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