Nine Months

It takes approximately nine months to create a new life.

Madie's first photo

 This thought has coursed through my brain over and over this week ,how is it possible to be at such a landmark of nine months, the time that I counted down seven times in anticipation of each one of my children?  Something that always felt like an eternity when I was pregnant, and now feels the same with how long it has been since I have talked to Madie, since she passed away. Add to that I am approaching the one year mark as to when I last said goodbye to her, which happens to fall on this Saturday, August 24th, which ironically is when we are having our reception for  Taylor and Bailee. 
As I pondered this morning (with a very long to-do list) about it being the 20th today, and so many directions my brain is going I also realized that I needed to write down some of my thoughts.
This will probably be a bit jumbled, but here is where I am at nine months.

I have learned in  the past 7 weeks that diversions are beneficial.  Grieving is ugly hard work, and hits in the most complicated, unusual, unexpected , sometimes unappreciated moments. 

 I hit a fork in the road about two months ago and decided that I needed to scrap what I thought I would do for the reception, which was as little as possible, and take it on and do this thing. 

 I knew I had the abilities, but really didn't think I wanted to engage in all of the overwhelming aspects of trying to take on a project of any kind. 

 I am grateful in hindsight that Heavenly Father knew this would be a really good diversion, and a place to give me something else to think about when I woke up in the morning other than how much I felt lost in the process of grieving. 
I really thought every creative juice in my body had died with Madie.  I have kicked and screamed almost not wanting to engage in creating anything and everything, since my life blew up nine months ago.  I think there was a part of me that felt like, really does any of this really  matter?  It's just things, and things don't matter. 

 I believe when you lose someone so unexpectedly, with all of the complications that come in the aftermath, it is hard to think otherwise.  Over and over I have thought in the past several months, how much time did I waste on silly things that don't matter, that could have been spent doing more important things. This became a huge roadblock to me in so many aspects of my life. And yet I have found because I went forward with doing this reception that I have been blessed in countless ways. 

 I have over and over seen the Lord's hands working through others who have offered help, or had what I was looking for, or was willing to take on aspects to help with the wedding, that the creation  of the reception has become a community supported event. (Check out these adorable aprons that were made by a wonderful friend)  This is just an example of so much love from so many different people contributing their talents, support, items and abilities.http://amaidenhairfern.blogspot.com/2013/08/vintage-aprons.html I am really excited to see it all come together, because I have felt so much love as I have worked on this, and been offered help that has been heart warming, and taught me how really kind and wonderful people really are.

Madie, now to you...

 I miss you and have seen you in little ways throughout this wedding journey.  I have felt help as I have organized some of your things so I could have a little "Madie corner" at the reception, and my mind was enlightened and helped in how to do it.  I have loved working on things to memorialize your life, and yet honor our family's lives who are still here.  I have seen beauty everywhere come together, and feel like the reception will have a wonderful spirit or magical feeling to it.  I have felt angels from on high and angels all around me in lovely, wonderful, caring people here on earth who have taught me about charity.  I am changed for the better because I have known you Madie, and I hope to be someone that you are proud to call mom.  I miss you today,and everyday, and will be missing you Saturday, as I remember saying goodbye a year ago, but will also be celebrating life that continues to move forward here with our family and friends.  I hope to see you in the details of our lives, and will continue to look for you there.  I love you and wish you were part of our latest family photo.

 I have tried to imagine what you would be doing in it.

Till we meet again, all my love little one...