Change is in the air...

  This morning as I reflected on all the things that have occurred in the past week my heart was overcome with gratitude, and yet I realized that with the wedding over and school starting that change is in the air, and I feel a bit lost as to where my life is now heading.
 I reflected on what the end of August means to me as I said goodbye to Taylor and Bailee on Sunday the 25th for them to begin their new life together.  Monday  the 26th, Marielle began a new chapter for our family, no child at Ehrhardt Elementary School after 25 years.  She is now off to the bus stop just a few houses down,

 starting her journey into middle school at our third junior high living in the same home.

 A year ago I said goodbye to Madie for the last time as I put her on a plane on Aug 24, 2012 to return for fall semester.. 

           This was her last night in her room, and our home,

 as she was repacking up her things to go back to BYU after being home for her 2 week break. So grateful that MarShae grabbed several pictures that night.


On August 26th,2011 now two years ago my mother unexpectedly passed away without me saying goodbye. Taylor was in town for American Idol auditions and our family went to Galveston for round two on August 28th, and watched the sun rise.  I recall  the strangeness I felt of having lost both parents in 4 months, a feeling that seems very familiar still today but for different reasons. 

 
 Two years later I am still seeking to figure out this shift in my life, realizing how much it has been complicated since November 20,2012  I find myself looking for a window to open, not sure where my life is headed, but trying to align my will with my Heavenly Fathers.

Searching for answers, I was reading through the beginning of my  blog this morning, and I came across this early post after the accident that expressed so many current feelings in my heart from the past several weeks. I seriously could have written this today....

[Nov 29, 2012... Today I am grateful to have witnessed Psalm 46 "Be still and know that I am God " This has been powerfully witnessed to me over the past 9 days. Every time I have expressed a desire, he has witnessed to me his presence and given to me the desire. He has even given me things that I didn't know I needed but then became apparent how that would lift me and show me the miracle of his love. I can not express enough gratitude for all that has been done because so much I am not even aware of. The many acts of kindness, service, thoughts, prayers, compassion have not gone unnoticed. If I haven't thanked you personally please know that every act of kindness in any form, is greatly appreciated. The Relief Society motto is "Charity never Faileth" I can say that this has never meant so much to me. It is true!! Kindness from the heart is never wrong. ♥ ♥ ♥]

Continuing today...
 It is comforting for me to see that each day as I strive to see the Lord's hands in my day that he shows me in little ways his love for me. 
This morning I decided to take my Ipod with me walking and spent some time reading and pondering scriptures.  I was grateful that I came across this first as I read  today's LDS daily verse: 
D&C 84:88 And whoso receiveth you there I will be also, for I will go before your face.  I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you to bear you up. 
 I thought of how often I pray to have angels helping me and my family get through our days. I am grateful.
 I also realized how many days I have let these opportunities go by and missed out on these types of experiences. 

Some things that I have pondered on today that have been witnessed to me repeatedly over the past 9 months. 

 I testify that he knows us, 
                          our thoughts 
                                   and our needs.

  I testify that he loves us,
                but allows us to go through difficult experiences to grow and to find him. 

I testify that it is a constant choice,
 who will I choose to follow, who will win?  There is a battle going on in my head most of the time.

 I testify that I could view this as the biggest trial of my life,
                 or the biggest opportunity.
 It really is my choice, and some days I do better than others, but I do allow myself to grieve when it washes over me.  

I testify that as I look for things to calm my troubled heart,
                         that they do, in time come. 

Here are two that I have listened to many times in the past little while.  This quick video that MarShae recorded Sunday for a project.

Second this short clip with insight into one of my favorite men who's wisdom always gives me hope.  I hope this gives you the same courage it gives me each time I listen to it. <3 

The aftermath

When things in life come to an end that I have looked forward to, or put a lot of energy into I find there is always a let down, a period of what now?  I must say that I have felt this over the past few days, and yet the conflicting emotions of being so blessed to have had it come together so wonderfully, and witnessing nothing short of a miracle as we did our only run of staging the reception and then taking it all down.
It was like watching a masterpiece be created by a whole team of individuals who took care of their portion and handled it so incredibly well.
I learned so many different things as I went through the process of having the reception and wedding.  The first was that I could do something like this, with lots of help and inspiration that came as I turned to Heavenly Father for help.  Only a week before I still didn't know how I would transfer what I was creating piece by piece in my home, with only an hour and a half to set it all up at the reception location.  I prayed to know what or how and ideas started formulating.  I learned the art of delegation, and that a lot of people doing tasks can accomplish great things when directions are fairly clear.  I also asked for heavenly help in it coming together and we were ready to go just about 10 minutes before it was time to start.  I quickly scanned every aspect and then changed into my clothes and  greeted friends who came to congratulate Taylor and Bailee.  One thing that was  hard for me on a personal level is I wanted to just walk around and soak in the event.  I wanted to look at everything set up together, because it had all been in stages one at a time in my home then packed away.  I had lived in a construction zone for weeks and to see it all cleaned up and set up was a bit overwhelming with how lovely everything looked.  I was so aware of enjoying the moments with each person that I met, and trying to soak it in because I knew that all of the hours and hours of work were happening in 2 hours and then would disappear forever.  I loved seeing that people seemed to be enjoying themselves and having fun.  I loved watching my children and grandchildren creating memories together in the photo booth.  I loved watching others do the same. Most of all I loved the peaceful feeling I felt during the night.  it felt like a piece of heaven was there.  I felt a spirit of love that seemed to permeate everything about the evening. I loved seeing so many friends and family members all together in one place seeming to be enjoying themselves. I remember one time looking down the line and seeing the Madie corner and it kind of took my breath away.  From my vantage point the 6 tiered candle decor on her table next to the painting of her being welcomed into the Savior's arms  completely lite up Madeline and she was radiating.  It was as though Christ's light was illuminating on her and it was so weird because I hadn't seen her table look like that when i was staging it with friends the last few days.  it was the table that had Madie memories, but kind of also got what was left over after having done all the other tables.  I could see that there was so much help that I had received as I created each of the tables, but for me the real masterpiece was this final table, Madie's table

Nine Months

It takes approximately nine months to create a new life.

Madie's first photo

 This thought has coursed through my brain over and over this week ,how is it possible to be at such a landmark of nine months, the time that I counted down seven times in anticipation of each one of my children?  Something that always felt like an eternity when I was pregnant, and now feels the same with how long it has been since I have talked to Madie, since she passed away. Add to that I am approaching the one year mark as to when I last said goodbye to her, which happens to fall on this Saturday, August 24th, which ironically is when we are having our reception for  Taylor and Bailee. 
As I pondered this morning (with a very long to-do list) about it being the 20th today, and so many directions my brain is going I also realized that I needed to write down some of my thoughts.
This will probably be a bit jumbled, but here is where I am at nine months.

I have learned in  the past 7 weeks that diversions are beneficial.  Grieving is ugly hard work, and hits in the most complicated, unusual, unexpected , sometimes unappreciated moments. 

 I hit a fork in the road about two months ago and decided that I needed to scrap what I thought I would do for the reception, which was as little as possible, and take it on and do this thing. 

 I knew I had the abilities, but really didn't think I wanted to engage in all of the overwhelming aspects of trying to take on a project of any kind. 

 I am grateful in hindsight that Heavenly Father knew this would be a really good diversion, and a place to give me something else to think about when I woke up in the morning other than how much I felt lost in the process of grieving. 
I really thought every creative juice in my body had died with Madie.  I have kicked and screamed almost not wanting to engage in creating anything and everything, since my life blew up nine months ago.  I think there was a part of me that felt like, really does any of this really  matter?  It's just things, and things don't matter. 

 I believe when you lose someone so unexpectedly, with all of the complications that come in the aftermath, it is hard to think otherwise.  Over and over I have thought in the past several months, how much time did I waste on silly things that don't matter, that could have been spent doing more important things. This became a huge roadblock to me in so many aspects of my life. And yet I have found because I went forward with doing this reception that I have been blessed in countless ways. 

 I have over and over seen the Lord's hands working through others who have offered help, or had what I was looking for, or was willing to take on aspects to help with the wedding, that the creation  of the reception has become a community supported event. (Check out these adorable aprons that were made by a wonderful friend)  This is just an example of so much love from so many different people contributing their talents, support, items and abilities.http://amaidenhairfern.blogspot.com/2013/08/vintage-aprons.html I am really excited to see it all come together, because I have felt so much love as I have worked on this, and been offered help that has been heart warming, and taught me how really kind and wonderful people really are.

Madie, now to you...

 I miss you and have seen you in little ways throughout this wedding journey.  I have felt help as I have organized some of your things so I could have a little "Madie corner" at the reception, and my mind was enlightened and helped in how to do it.  I have loved working on things to memorialize your life, and yet honor our family's lives who are still here.  I have seen beauty everywhere come together, and feel like the reception will have a wonderful spirit or magical feeling to it.  I have felt angels from on high and angels all around me in lovely, wonderful, caring people here on earth who have taught me about charity.  I am changed for the better because I have known you Madie, and I hope to be someone that you are proud to call mom.  I miss you today,and everyday, and will be missing you Saturday, as I remember saying goodbye a year ago, but will also be celebrating life that continues to move forward here with our family and friends.  I hope to see you in the details of our lives, and will continue to look for you there.  I love you and wish you were part of our latest family photo.

 I have tried to imagine what you would be doing in it.

Till we meet again, all my love little one...

Unexpected package...

I received a very unexpected surprise in the mail today, August 7th. 

 It is such a treasure and brought me to tears as I read thoughts and feelings about Madie from girls I haven't met, that she got to know during her brief time at BYU.

  There are so many different types of tears, today's were a mixture from many feelings spilling out of my heart.  Tears of Joy at the soon to be wedding that we are flying out to be a part of this evening.  Tears of comfort that Madie isn't forgotten.  Tears of gratitude as I read and looked at the memory book complied back in December by girls on Madie's floor in her dorm at BYU that somehow made it to my door today. Tears of heartache as I again ponder on all that was so amazing about her and how she naturally made people feel, a reminder of all the wonderful things that are vacant from my life with her gone.
 So the agenda for today was put on the back burner to be continued when I get back in town, because I had a little side trip of memories that I went on.
Madie nuances flooding my brain. I miss her in ways that can't be described, and with my time short  before we leave,  this post will  be brief, but I wanted to remember the coincidence of this showing up today.

 I was talking with a good friend who lost her husband suddenly this morning on trying not to have expectations going into the wedding because first of all, it isn't my day, and I don't want to bring my agenda to this long awaited celebration.  So many  things that have caused me to stop and shed a tear or two this week as I have wondered about how this will feel.  The understanding that this will be the first time our whole family will be together since Madie died.

  Realizing that at least for me, I will know she is  not physically present, but can only imagine how she would be dancing at the celebration if she were. 

 I like to think that she will be celebrating in her own way too.  She was the first one to be with Taylor and Bailee after their engagement was official.  

Texts between Madie and Bailee:

B: CAN YOU BELIEVE WE ARE GOING TO BE REAL SISTERS?!?!

M: IT IS SO CRAZY! you already feel like a sister to me :D I'm so glad we are going to be official sisters in a few months!!!

 She was super excited that they were getting married.   Certain aspects of joy will be incomplete for me until we are together again as a whole family, but I have pondered on the importance of celebrating this wonderful occasion with our family in spite of my grieving heart.  I am trusting that I will be held up and surrounded by loving angels as I oh too well feel the absence of what I am about to experience, and that joy will fill my heart.

That said, I can't begin to express from my other mother heart how happy and excited I am  for Taylor and Bailee and look forward to this weekend, when great blessings will occur as they are married for not only time, but have the ability to have it sealed into the Eternities..