Eight months...

  I was talking with Larry last evening and he mentioned he was grateful we have pictures of Madie because he sometimes forgets what she looks like.

I showed him a video in Madie's phone and we cried together as we saw it full of Madie innuendos.   He was also realizing that her pictures would always stop as a BYU freshman.

 This concept came to him as he was scrolling through pictures of some of her friends and their lives as time moves along. 
 I was pondering this morning about this time in our lives as a couple, and individually, realizing it probably is the hardest period of our lives regardless of what else may come.  Partially because even though I may experience additional shocks or tragic losses, because I have lived through this one, I now understand that I can and would survive my worst nightmare. I used to think there was no way I could do this, and yet I have found that somehow I have, whether I want to or not.
 For me, daily the options are,  how will I face today?   There is something in going through this that removes fear of the unexpected.  Not to say I think that unwise choices should occur or that we can live life with reckless abandon, it's just that I know what a great personal loss feels like, and have a different understanding.  Experience being an invaluable teacher.

I haven't written lately because I've needed to focus my efforts on preparing for Taylor's upcoming wedding.  Even so I have missed the healing that writing brings to me as I contemplate and resolve the present conflicts that invariably seem to arise in day to day living, and coming to terms with the shift that my life and the life of others around me are experiencing.

Some have asked if it gets easier?  That would depend on how I am doing when I am asked.  Overall, I would say yes. I have longer windows of time when I have removed myself from the pain, but then at times no because the reality becomes more poignantly stark, cutting like a knife through my heart.  As I have visited with other mothers who have lost a child, I find varying experiences and yet so much that is common to the process of dealing with the loss of a child.  One aspect for mothers I have repeatedly heard is that the first year is kind of surreal.  Reality staring me in the face every waking moment, and yet at times I find myself removed from the pain, like I just put it away and talk about it as though it happened to someone else.  It is so weird.
 I have been told that the second and third year the lose becomes more realistic as you  comprehend  the absence more completely, and for some it is harder as they go through those years. Even though I believe we do make up much of our life's experience through our thoughts it helps me to mentally be prepared for whatever it might look like to me. I know that it is a personal journey taking into account variables that each situation brings to it.

The first couple of weeks of July were the best I have had since Madie died.  I was feeling confident that maybe the hardest moments were behind only to feel the rug pulled out from under me during this past week.  It is always hard to return to a depressive state, but I am learning to embrace the grief and ride the wave knowing it will eventually come back up.  I have pushed it many times this week not wanting to be down, and as the week has worn on I have found myself tired, uptight and snippy.  As I have reflected today it has made me realize that as much as I dislike the lows I can't rush the process, or positive talk it away.  I have tried all the tricks and yet I still cycle back around to very sad.  

I haven't known what to write because it is hard to publicly state that I am struggling again, when I want to pretend otherwise. Fake it till you make it!  
While I think there is merit in this I find that my body responds in not a good way when I put that pressure on myself. I have also found that sleep has been readjusting and I have slept a lot more at times, and then not well at all.  I figure that my body is working to find a new normal and I need to exhibit patience. 

 Even so when I stop and think about Madie being gone I again feel an emptiness that hurts in ways that can't be explained. 

 I even find that happy things aren't as happy because she isn't a part of them.  I still want to optimistically believe that with time the pain will dim and it will be less obtrusive to life's occurrences..   I am not saying what I am doing is right, but I am trying to honor myself and not pressure myself too much on being better, or happier. My experience repeatedly has shown me that doing so makes the day to day more stressful.

I have also faced this month several of Madie's friends leaving on missions or preparing to go soon.  This has been challenging as I can't help but reflect that she would be leaving around this time herself if this hadn't happened.  I understand it doesn't help to ask why me,  so I turn it around when those thoughts creep in and say why not me?  It happens to people, so what good can you gain from this?  What blessings have you received because of this? 
 When I focus in this avenue it at least gives me a window of time that I feel some lifting of the gloom, and even though I can't see them I pray often for angels to support me and my family.  More than I ever have in my life I utter those words.  help me, lift me, succor me. I am grateful for this quote that was shared with me today.  It gave me a visual that brought me comfort as to what might be happening that I cannot see.

I trust that the help is there, and I'm grateful for the return of the light again and again, to heal another part of my broken heart. 

 To Madeline Rose...
                                 I love you,
 I miss you more and more with the passage of time! 
                         I'm trying my best,

                                   Till we meet again, ...