Recent moments when Heaven has felt close...

.  I had an experience last week, on July 21, 2013  filling in at the last minute as the primary children's chorister during the last two hours of church.   I have had that assignment, or calling about seven times in my life starting as a teenager, again right before I was married and several times over the past 32 years.  All of my children have had me as their chorister at some point in their primary experiences.  The song of the month was" Families can be Together Forever".

 (I have a family here on earth, they are so good to me , I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

(chorus)

 Families can be together forever, through Heavenly Father's plan, I always want to be in my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can. 

 While I am in my early years, I'll prepare most carefully, so I can marry in God's temple for eternity.( Chorus) 

 As I was working on it with the older children the spirit told me to share my experiences with this song.  I had taught this song for the first time in 1980 when it was the new song composed that year for the primary program along with" I love to see the Temple".  I was engaged to be married, and preparing to go to the temple while I was teaching this new song to the children ages 3-11. I shared this history with the children and we sang it again, only to feel prompted that I needed to talk about Madie. 

 I wasn't sure if I could and keep my emotions intact but went forward and witnessed a beautiful spirit enter primary, just a day after the 8 month anniversary of Madie's death.  I explained to them that these words that tell a story in this song have always been an idea of hope that I have based many of my life decisions on, but since losing Madie I have needed to know that they are true, in a different way than I have desired to know before.  I felt power from on high as I bore testimony to them that I know we can be together as families after this life. I expressed to them that I have had sacred experiences that have helped me know she isn't too far away. 

I was so grateful when I had another one on this past Sunday, July 28,2013 also my son Taylor's 24th birthday.

During Sacrament Meeting I play the sacrament hymn on the organ each Sunday and fill in when one of the youth organists can't learn their song for that week or have a conflict.  I was playing and the chapel was filled.  Dannee Clay was speaking prior to leaving on her mission, so we had lots of visitors.  Dannee and Madie have been friends since they were 4 or 5 when the Clay's moved here. 

Memories are flowing...

I am remembering many years ago when Madie was standing exactly where Dannee is now speaking giving her first talk..
I am remembering girls playing dress up,

               I am realizing this quartet is now a trio-

                the memories running through my brain.

 I suspected it might be hard for me to have yet another friend of Madie's leaving on their mission, knowing that Madie was called to "special forces" as I like to think of it.  

I usually don't get emotional while I am playing the organ, because my left brain is engaged in focusing on the music but I felt the emotions rising.  I was able to finish then had a sweet experience during the sacrament. I felt love and renewal enter my body and spirit, but filled with an unusual amount of tears.  I wanted them to stop but they just kept flowing.  I asked for help from my Savior Jesus Christ through his atonement, to heal my broken heart again.  I felt comfort and asked that I would somehow know Madie was there today or at least that my Heavenly Father knew that I needed to have something from her to comfort me.  

During Dannee's talk I did pretty well, even though she brought up Madie and an experience with her death, she had asked prior to her speaking and I was happy she wanted to include something about Madie. 
 It doesn't bother me if people talk about her, even if I tear up. tears are a part of my life, but it is harder for me to think that she will be forgotten, a common fear of mothers who lose a child I have been told repeatedly by others.
 Dannee's talk was awesome.  She then performed with her brother and sister a special musical number, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". 
  That song has ties to me of a previous funeral when I directed a choir after a young man had passed away. Because of my experiences with that beautiful song and his funeral, the tears just started pouring out. The music was beautiful, but I also realized again the music that wouldn't ever be the same in our family, not in this life time anyways.  Even so, I do  love the Clay family and am so happy they share their talents!

After sacrament meeting, I had to hurry to primary to substitute again today singing with the children.  I had another great week with the kids. It was nice to feel the love that flows through music.

  After our meetings were over, I saw a guy who I hadn't seen in years.  His name is Clark Rumsey and he grew up in our area.  He is moving into our ward and so we were catching up.  He was in my son Ryan's first musical when Ryan was a freshman in High School and MarShae was a newborn.

  He had seen MarShae getting her certificate of graduation from seminary in Sacrament meeting  that day and asked if she was the baby from that year that I brought up to the High School all the time and was passed around the cast of the show. 

        (no wonder MarShae is such a natural on stage) 

Anyways MarShae soon joined us because church had been over for awhile.  She was blown away because she had watched videos from the show and remembered him.  He was in awe of what she looks like almost 17 years later. 

 As we were visiting, a lady came out of the primary room,  from another ward, who I don't know but MarShae said "Mom look at her shoes!"  I looked as she was walking to us and stopped her because I really wanted to ask her if I could have her shoes, (I know crazy thought) 
  I told her my daughter had a pair exactly like them we chatted briefly and she was on her way.  MarShae asked if I noticed her necklace, and to be honest I couldn't take my gaze off of her shoes.   There were Madie's shoes that somehow disappeared and never came home with her things from the Y.  MarShae and I had often commented on two pairs that we don't know what happened to, those being one of the pairs. ( Her Nike high tops also never made it back) 

 This pair of shoes had an interesting story behind them.  During the summer before Madie's senior year MarShae, Madie, Marielle and a few others were invited to April Mclane's for a movie night.  My husband and I drove them over to her house which was about 30 minutes away. We went to a movie, and then were passing time at  Target while they were there.  While at the Target store, we came across these shoes and they had been clearanced to 2 dollars.  I thought that Madie might think they were cute, but Larry  was sure I was wasting my money. I said to him, " for 2 bucks it's worth the chance".  Well I was right and she loved them.

  Now to the necklace the sister was wearing.  For Christmas this past year Taylor and Bailee had necklaces made from this company called origami owl.   They had one made for each of us  ( all of the girls that is)  Mine has a circle that says always, the back of the locket says family, and it has angel wings, Madie's birthstone, and a music note inside of it.   

We love our necklaces, and this lady had one on.  So there I am realizing that as she was getting ready sometime after my prayer was uttered about 3 hours earlier, she felt inspired to wear Madie's shoes and  her origami owl necklace. Also that we happened to be standing there at least a half hour after our meetings were over, as she walked out of the primary room on an errand.  I knew that my prayers were heard and in a way Madie walked past us that day.  I sense that Heaven is closer than we realize, and even though I haven't had dreams that I can remember about her,  felt her like I would like, or been able to have experiences like others have had, that she got through to me in a way that I would recognize.  I miss her, and love her so much. I wish I could tell her goodbye and give her a hug, but I daily hold to the promise that all my tears will be wiped away, and that someday I will see through the glass clearly, that is now so cloudy and obstructing my view.

 On a different note, we listened as a family to this conference talk last Saturday night in preparation for Sunday youth meetings.  It really was powerful to listen to and made me realize why Richard G. Scott is an apostle, He hasn't lived a life of ease, but has been strong in his commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ, even through great personal sacrifices. I love how he tenderly speaks of his own loss of two children just weeks apart from each other. He is inspiring to me as to how I want to live my life, in the face of adversity and sorrow. Enjoy watching as we did as a family, and felt a spirit of comfort come over our home. 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/temple-worship-the-source-of-strength-and-power-in-times-of-need?lang=eng#watch=video..

( Written text from video)  .Each member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is blessed to live in a time when the Lord has inspired His prophets to provide significantly increased accessibility to the holy temples. With careful planning and some sacrifice, the majority of the members of the Church can receive the ordinances of the temple for themselves and for their ancestors and be blessed by the covenants made therein.

Because I love you, I am going to speak to you heart to heart, without mincing words. I have seen that many times individuals have made great sacrifices to go to a distant temple. But when a temple is built close by, within a short time, many do not visit it regularly. I have a suggestion: When a temple is conveniently nearby, small things may interrupt your plans to go to the temple. Set specific goals, considering your circumstances, of when you can and will participate in temple ordinances. Then do not allow anything to interfere with that plan. This pattern will guarantee that those who live in the shadow of a temple will be as blessed as are those who plan far ahead and make a long trip to the temple.

Fourteen years ago I decided to attend the temple and complete an ordinance at least once a week. When I am traveling I make up the missed visits in order to achieve that objective. I have kept that resolve, and it has changed my life profoundly. I strive to participate in all the different ordinances available in the temple.

I encourage you to establish your own goal of how frequently you will avail yourself of the ordinances offered in our operating temples. What is there that is more important than attending and participating in the ordinances of the temple? What activity could have a greater impact and provide more joy and profound happiness for a couple than worshipping together in the temple?

Now I share some additional suggestions of how to gain more benefit from temple attendance.

• • 
   Understand the doctrine related to temple ordinances, especially the significance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. ¹
• • 
   While participating in temple ordinances, consider your relationship to Jesus Christ and His relationship to our Heavenly Father. This simple act will lead to greater understanding of the supernal nature of the temple ordinances.
• • 
   Always prayerfully express gratitude for the incomparable blessings that flow from temple ordinances. Live each day so as to give evidence to Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son of how very much those blessings mean to you.
• • 
   Schedule regular visits to the temple.
• • 
   Leave sufficient time to be unhurried within the temple walls.
• • 
   Rotate activities so that you can participate in all of the ordinances of the temple.
• • 
   Remove your watch when you enter a house of the Lord.
• • 
   Listen carefully to the presentation of each element of the ordinance with an open mind and heart.
• • 
   Be mindful of the individual for whom you are performing the vicarious ordinance. At times pray that he or she will recognize the vital importance of the ordinances and be worthy or prepare to be worthy to benefit from them.
• • 
   Recognize that much of the majesty of the sealing ordinance cannot be understood and remembered with one live experience. Substantial subsequent vicarious work permits one to understand much more of what is communicated in the live ordinances.
• • 
   Realize that a sealing ordinance is not enduring until after it is sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise. Both individuals must be worthy and want the sealing to be eternal.

If as a couple you have not yet been sealed in the temple, consider this scripture:

“In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees;

“And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage];

“And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.

“He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase” (D&C 131:1–4).

Sometimes when I hear a choir during a temple dedicatory service, I experience a feeling so sublime that it elevates my heart and mind. I close my eyes, and more than once, in my mind, I have seen an inverted cone of individuals beginning at the temple and rising upward. I have felt that they represent many spirits waiting for the vicarious work to be done for them in that sanctuary, rejoicing because finally there is a place that can free them from the chains that hold them back in their eternal progress. In order to achieve this end, you will need to do the vicarious work. You will need to identify your ancestors. The new FamilySearch™ program makes the effort easier than before. It is necessary to identify those ancestors, qualify them, and come to the house of the Lord to perform the ordinances they are longing to receive. What a joy it is to be able to participate in the work of a temple!

I would like to relate the experience of an ancestor of my wife, Jeanene. Her name is Sarah DeArmon Pea Rich. Her commentary shows the impact that the temple can have in our lives. When she was 31 years old, she received a calling from Brigham Young to work in the Nauvoo Temple, where all the ordinances possible were performed before the Saints had to abandon that temple. This is what she wrote:

“Many were the blessings we had received in the house of the Lord, which has caused us joy and comfort in the midst of all our sorrows and enabled us to have faith in God, knowing He would guide us and sustain us in the unknown journey that lay before us. For if it had not been for the faith and knowledge that was bestowed upon us in that temple by the influence and help of the Spirit of the Lord, our journey would have been like one taking a leap in the dark. To start out on such a journey in the winter as it were and in our state of poverty, it would seem like walking into the jaws of death. But we had faith in our Heavenly Father, and we put our trust in Him feeling that we were His chosen people and had embraced His gospel, and instead of sorrow, we felt to rejoice that the day of our deliverance had come.” ²

Now I would like to speak of the special meaning the temple has for me. Part of this message is going to be sensitive, so I will appreciate your prayers as I give it so that I do not become too emotional.

Fourteen years ago the Lord took my wife beyond the veil. I love her with all my heart, but I have never complained because I know it was His will. I have never asked why but rather what is it that He wants me to learn from this experience. I believe that is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties.

We had the blessing of having children. A daughter, the first child, continues to be an enormous blessing in our lives. A couple of years later a son we named Richard was born. A few years later a daughter was born. She died after living only a few minutes.

Our son, Richard, was born with a heart defect. We were told that unless that could be cured, there was little probability that he would live more than two or three years. This was so long ago that techniques now used to repair such defects were unknown. We had the blessing of having a place where doctors agreed to attempt to perform the needed surgery. The surgery had to be done while his little heart was beating.

The surgery was performed just six weeks after the birth and death of our baby daughter. When the operation finished, the principal surgeon came in and said it was a success. And we thought, “How wonderful! Our son will have a strong body, be able to run and walk and grow!” We expressed deep gratitude to the Lord. Then about 10 minutes later, the same doctor came in with an ashen face and told us, “Your son has died.” Apparently the shock of the operation was more than his little body could endure.

Later, during the night, I embraced my wife and said to her, “We do not need to worry, because our children were born in the covenant. We have the assurance that we will have them with us in the future. Now we have a reason to live extremely well. We have a son and a daughter who have qualified to go to the celestial kingdom because they died before the age of eight.” That knowledge has given us great comfort. We rejoice in the knowledge that all seven of our children are sealed to us for time and all eternity.

That trial has not been a problem for either of us because, when we live righteously and have received the ordinances of the temple, everything else is in the hands of the Lord. We can do the best we can, but the final outcome is up to Him. We should never complain, when we are living worthily, about what happens in our lives.

Fourteen years ago the Lord decided it was not necessary for my wife to live any longer on the earth, and He took her to the other side of the veil. I confess that there are times when it is difficult not to be able to turn and talk to her, but I do not complain. The Lord has allowed me, at important moments in my life, to feel her influence through the veil.

What I am trying to teach is that when we keep the temple covenants we have made and when we live righteously in order to maintain the blessings promised by those ordinances, then come what may, we have no reason to worry or to feel despondent.

I know that I will have the privilege of being with that beautiful wife, whom I love with all my heart, and with those children who are with her on the other side of the veil because of the ordinances that are performed in the temple. What a blessing to have once again on the earth the sealing authority, not only for this mortal life but for the eternities. I am grateful that the Lord has restored His gospel in its fulness, including the ordinances that are required for us to be happy in the world and to live everlastingly happy lives in the hereafter.

This is the work of the Lord. Jesus Christ lives. This is His Church. I am a witness of Him and of His Atonement, which is the foundation that makes effective and lasting every ordinance performed in the temples. I so testify with every capacity I possess, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Taylor Memories... Happy Birthday

Twenty four years ago right about now I was welcoming a new baby boy into our family, Taylor Adam Morris.  I should have known from the events around his birth that he was a boy with a strong will yet a gentle quietness about him.  He wasn't too thrilled with his arrival and wanted to stay a bit longer inside but because of some issues I was having he was induced 2 weeks early.  He had hair that stood straight up regardless of how many times his sister Rachelle would wet it and comb it down.  It was also very dark, but faded to blond as it grew longer. 
 He was a boy ready for adventure

 and did things that always surprised me like riding a 2 wheeler bicycle without training wheels at the age of three.
 Yes he was determined to do anything Sterling could do so he took to the bike very easily, always following in his big brother's footsteps...
I love this picture Sterling put together of the two of them

 Taylor showed his artistic abilities at a very young age, but I will leave those details out of this post. 
 He also was a natural gymnast and showed us how incredibly strong he was despite the fact that there wasn't an ounce of fat on his body.

 He was my baby for almost 5 years and had a very sweet caring side.

 On one occasion we were driving home from someplace and I looked at him in the backseat and told him I needed to cut his hair.  I was pregnant with Madie and was really tired when I got home so took a nap.  Taylor wanting to help decided to cut his own hair.  When his father asked him why he did it before I had even seen it he responded, " Mommy was tired and I wanted to help her so I cut it myself".  It wasn't the end to Taylor and his personal haircuts and styles.  One day he decided he wanted to bleach his hair when he was 11 or 12 and got in my hair products and did it himself.  It was a big surprise when we saw his new hair color.  He has always felt that he could figure out or learn how to do whatever he wanted to, a trait he comes by fairly naturally I guess.
  As he got older he enjoyed singing and participated in Choir from 6th grade through his freshman year of college..  He also was in the musicals at Klein and was  thrilled to play Curly in Oklahoma his Senior year.
  He served a mission to Montana and Wyoming learning many things, but also realizing how cold some places can be. 
 He has followed his passion for singing into his college experiences and has loved his experiences with Young Ambassadors.

All of these memories plus countless others have brought many smiles and joy to my heart.  I am grateful to be called mom by him and wish him a better year this year, as he embarks on his life with Bailee. 

 Even though there were many great highlights last year,

 it was also one of great personal challenges.

  I love you Taylor,
Mom

Why?

  I guess I wouldn't be human if I didn't ask the question, so I will just say that I have, more than once. In fact there are times when it is the plea of my heart.. WHY????

 Why Madie?

            Why our family?

                                 Why me?

Why this particular challenge, trial or opportunity?
  Over time some answers have come, whether they are correct or complete, is doubtful, but they have given me some understanding.
First-  Why Madie? 
 As I have poured over her journals, and had things brought  to my memory that she shared with me, I believe she was ready and had passed a personal Abrahamic test just weeks before her death.  She was willing to sacrifice whatever the Lord desired to do his will, and through this righteous submission, she was needed.  I personally believe the Lord is preparing the world for the Second Coming of Jesus Christ and because of this needs an army of help on both sides of the veil, meaning here in mortality and also in the next realm preparing others who haven't learned about Christ so that they too can be saved through Christ.

Why our family?  
This is harder for me to answer, but I guess it is better to just say why not?

Why me?  
That is an area that I have spent a great deal of time pondering on and looking for answers.  I believe that some of it is because of pride.  I was reading some scriptures today and pondering on them and understanding came of things I needed to work on. 
2 Corinthians 7-10
7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a ^bthorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

 8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

 9 And he said unto me, My ^agrace is sufficient for thee: for my^bstrength is made perfect in ^cweakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may ^drest upon me.

 10 Therefore I take pleasure in ^ainfirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in ^bpersecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am ^cweak, then am I ^dstrong. 

And also
Helaman 12 2-3 (From the Book of Mormon)

 2 Yea, and we may see at the very ^atime when he doth ^bprosper his people, yea, in the increase of their fields, their flocks and their herds, and in gold, and in silver, and in all manner of^cprecious things of every kind and art; sparing their lives, and delivering them out of the hands of their enemies; softening the hearts of their enemies that they should not declare wars against them; yea, and in fine, doing all things for the welfare and happiness of his people; yea, then is the time that they do ^dharden their hearts, and do ^eforget the Lord their God, and do ^ftrample under their feet the Holy One—yea, and this because of their ease, and their exceedingly great prosperity.

 3 And thus we see that except the Lord doth ^achasten his people with many afflictions, yea, except he doth visit them with ^bdeath and with terror, and with famine and with all manner of pestilence, they will not ^cremember him.

 I feel I needed this opportunity to grow and become more compassionate, and childlike, being submissive to my loving Heavenly Father's will.  I have come to know that Heavenly Father doesn't give us anything in our lives that isn't necessary for our eternal progression back to the presence of God the Father through the grace and atonement of his son, Jesus Christ.  Nothing... Everything is necessary.  This has been witnessed to me through sacred experiences.  
 I find myself asking again, what would you have me learn?  How can I become the daughter of God that I have always been but can't remember? 
The words from a simple song come to mind, a song that was the lullaby that I sang to my children. " I am a Child of God, and so my needs are great help me to understand his will before it grows to late. Lead me guide me walk beside me, help me find the way... teach me all that I must do, to live with him someday." 

I also find great comfort in many who reach out with inspired words, thoughts or music, often at a most poinent  time.  The video below was recently shared while I was writing this entry, and gave me great comfort.  It doesn't hurt that the song being performed was composed by Rob Gardner. His music has been my most listened to since the accident.  He spent several days in Las Vegas with us after the accident to support his dear friends Bailee and her sister Linsey.  I will be forever grateful for him following a prompting to come to Las Vegas, because through meeting him and getting to know him I felt that my Heavenly Father was aware of music that I would need as I healed from losing my sweet daughter Madeline Rose. 
 I have listened to the video several times since last night, and felt great comfort, as I have pondered on the repeated message, "My Kindness Shall not depart from thee." 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwzMNKAT0p4&feature=youtu.be

Eight months...

  I was talking with Larry last evening and he mentioned he was grateful we have pictures of Madie because he sometimes forgets what she looks like.

I showed him a video in Madie's phone and we cried together as we saw it full of Madie innuendos.   He was also realizing that her pictures would always stop as a BYU freshman.

 This concept came to him as he was scrolling through pictures of some of her friends and their lives as time moves along. 
 I was pondering this morning about this time in our lives as a couple, and individually, realizing it probably is the hardest period of our lives regardless of what else may come.  Partially because even though I may experience additional shocks or tragic losses, because I have lived through this one, I now understand that I can and would survive my worst nightmare. I used to think there was no way I could do this, and yet I have found that somehow I have, whether I want to or not.
 For me, daily the options are,  how will I face today?   There is something in going through this that removes fear of the unexpected.  Not to say I think that unwise choices should occur or that we can live life with reckless abandon, it's just that I know what a great personal loss feels like, and have a different understanding.  Experience being an invaluable teacher.

I haven't written lately because I've needed to focus my efforts on preparing for Taylor's upcoming wedding.  Even so I have missed the healing that writing brings to me as I contemplate and resolve the present conflicts that invariably seem to arise in day to day living, and coming to terms with the shift that my life and the life of others around me are experiencing.

Some have asked if it gets easier?  That would depend on how I am doing when I am asked.  Overall, I would say yes. I have longer windows of time when I have removed myself from the pain, but then at times no because the reality becomes more poignantly stark, cutting like a knife through my heart.  As I have visited with other mothers who have lost a child, I find varying experiences and yet so much that is common to the process of dealing with the loss of a child.  One aspect for mothers I have repeatedly heard is that the first year is kind of surreal.  Reality staring me in the face every waking moment, and yet at times I find myself removed from the pain, like I just put it away and talk about it as though it happened to someone else.  It is so weird.
 I have been told that the second and third year the lose becomes more realistic as you  comprehend  the absence more completely, and for some it is harder as they go through those years. Even though I believe we do make up much of our life's experience through our thoughts it helps me to mentally be prepared for whatever it might look like to me. I know that it is a personal journey taking into account variables that each situation brings to it.

The first couple of weeks of July were the best I have had since Madie died.  I was feeling confident that maybe the hardest moments were behind only to feel the rug pulled out from under me during this past week.  It is always hard to return to a depressive state, but I am learning to embrace the grief and ride the wave knowing it will eventually come back up.  I have pushed it many times this week not wanting to be down, and as the week has worn on I have found myself tired, uptight and snippy.  As I have reflected today it has made me realize that as much as I dislike the lows I can't rush the process, or positive talk it away.  I have tried all the tricks and yet I still cycle back around to very sad.  

I haven't known what to write because it is hard to publicly state that I am struggling again, when I want to pretend otherwise. Fake it till you make it!  
While I think there is merit in this I find that my body responds in not a good way when I put that pressure on myself. I have also found that sleep has been readjusting and I have slept a lot more at times, and then not well at all.  I figure that my body is working to find a new normal and I need to exhibit patience. 

 Even so when I stop and think about Madie being gone I again feel an emptiness that hurts in ways that can't be explained. 

 I even find that happy things aren't as happy because she isn't a part of them.  I still want to optimistically believe that with time the pain will dim and it will be less obtrusive to life's occurrences..   I am not saying what I am doing is right, but I am trying to honor myself and not pressure myself too much on being better, or happier. My experience repeatedly has shown me that doing so makes the day to day more stressful.

I have also faced this month several of Madie's friends leaving on missions or preparing to go soon.  This has been challenging as I can't help but reflect that she would be leaving around this time herself if this hadn't happened.  I understand it doesn't help to ask why me,  so I turn it around when those thoughts creep in and say why not me?  It happens to people, so what good can you gain from this?  What blessings have you received because of this? 
 When I focus in this avenue it at least gives me a window of time that I feel some lifting of the gloom, and even though I can't see them I pray often for angels to support me and my family.  More than I ever have in my life I utter those words.  help me, lift me, succor me. I am grateful for this quote that was shared with me today.  It gave me a visual that brought me comfort as to what might be happening that I cannot see.

I trust that the help is there, and I'm grateful for the return of the light again and again, to heal another part of my broken heart. 

 To Madeline Rose...
                                 I love you,
 I miss you more and more with the passage of time! 
                         I'm trying my best,

                                   Till we meet again, ...

A new twist on an old concept..

July has been a month that has brought renewed hope into my life.  I am working on new strategies, well really old ones that I am reapplying.  Restoring a sense of order to our home in June has opened up July to explore living with gratitude and functioning abilities.  Larry took a weeks vacation and we tackled some of the neglected tasks; cleaning the garage, weeding and reworking our landscaping, painting and repairing some long overdue projects.
 We also spent time with family and friends over the 4th enjoying visits from Rachelle & John, Sterling & Kathy, and of course Ryan & Klara plus my adorable grand kids.. 

Good Times!

 MarShae returned to Dallas with Rachelle & John and experienced a great weekend including a trip to the Arts District, 
and an unforgettable evening at the Beyonce Concert.

    This goes back to dance parties that Rachelle started with Madie and MarShae to Destiny's Child when she would visit from BYU since her freshman year in 2003.

MarShae is now in Utah until the 25th participating in two weeks of Young Ambassador's camp (YASE) with Taylor and Bailee. She is ending her stay running her first 5K ever with Taylor, while Rachelle and Bailee will run a half Marathon.    

 Marielle wanting her own adventure, captured an opportunity and was soon on her way to College Station for a visit with Sterling and Kathy. 

Friday night their adventure continues seeing "Despicable Me 2" with froyo at Spoons.

Saturday Marielle, Sterling and Kathy hit the water slides...

Not to be out done by Rachelle and MarShae's adventures Sterling and Kathy exposed Marielle to the Hibachi Grill, and she caught the prize! (Shrimp is her personal favorite food)

Did I mention they were having fun?

                           Let the games begin..

Seinfield Monopoly another first for Marielle..How has she never played monopoly?

Sister moments at Jamba juice, another first for Marielle

Back in Houston, Larry and I had a little 3 day weekend spending time together and get some wedding details organized. 

Centerpieces in progress

Two days of shopping- Larry was awesome!  We finally found my dresses for Taylor and Bailee's upcoming wedding, plus these materials to create centerpieces.

As I awoke this morning,I reflected on a sense of accomplishment entering my life again, I decided to take the high of this past week and focus again on gratitude.  It was where my attention was centered when our lives turned upside down in November.  I know our thoughts are incredibly powerful and we do become what we focus our thinking on.  Even with this knowledge I have found it difficult over the past several months to control them as I have grieved losing Madie, and worried about Taylor's injuries and healing. 

This morning, I felt hopeful to try an experiment, mainly because I don't feel as overwhelmed in my life.
I recalled over 30 years ago when I lost and maintained a considerable amount of weight through affirmations and lifestyle changes.  My weight had yo-yoed up and down throughout my teenage years. I felt empowered as I became aware of the potential of our thoughts.  
I taught these concepts to my children. I have observed them set goals, struggle and work to accomplish them. I have watched as they have learned they can do hard things, even move forward through the difficulties each has encountered this year, different to each child as they have experienced the fallout of our family's tragedy. 

 Madie fully grasped this concept and always had goals written on her large bedroom mirror that she would repeat to herself over and over.

  She accomplished some very lofty achievements even with her personal limitations. A few days before her accident she had written several new affirmations and posted them around her apartment. I have watched her friends and siblings take on new goals since she died doing difficult things for them personally.
And yet this seems different...
What if my goals are more intangible like being at peace, feeling gratitude, feeling joyful?  This isn't how I have used positive self talk previously to accomplish short term as well as long term goals. Things like getting in shape, eating healthier, learning a new skill, juggling the addition of a new child, or the exit of a grown one, remodeling a home etc.... 
So here's to the unknown, the experiment is on. 

 As I ran this morning I said these words over and over for two miles...
 Life is great, I feel happy, I am grateful.

So if you see me mumbling to myself, hopefully these are the words being spoken,
 Life is great, 
             I feel happy, 
                         I am grateful...