Anniversaries with peace at 27 months...

I have always had a thing for numbers.  I love doing Sudoku and math always came easy for me. I also remember dates like the day we closed on our house April 23rd, only to purchase our first new car a few years later on the same date.  I also discovered twice on April 27th, that two babies I was carrying had died during my second trimester.
Because of this I have thought that the 20's in a calender month hold special significance to me.  Larry and I were married 34 years ago today on March 21st.

 I had my first child on May 24, only to have each of my other children born on a day in the 20's except for Marielle. After a full day of labor at 11:30 p.m. on Oct.19th my doctor said, "you have been pushing for 2 hours,which seems like a long time for your 7th child."  I told him I thought she was waiting to be born on the 20th. He determined I had pushed long enough and out came forceps, a first for me. He carefully pulled her out during my next contraction just before midnight. I have often thought she was supposed to be born on the 20th, maybe so that I would know that there was some kind of order in the heavens.
 Now some could say that is just how my cycle runs but I have had children born two weeks late, two weeks early, and right on time.  Madie was born on May 20th, sharing Sterling's half birthday November 20th. The accident happened on November 20th, which seemed wrong but significant at the same time.
 Maybe all of my fascination with numbers was a way for me to later recognize that God was in charge. 
In the beginning it seemed so weird and awful to me that it happened on such an important date, but over time I saw the wisdom in the "coincidence" of it.  With an accident that kills a child and almost another child, with the circumstances around the accident, it could be easy to think, "how is this possible?"  
Did God have his back turned or did the angels just forget their assignments? 
Was the Holy Ghost's promptings completely unavailable or maybe it was precisely what was supposed to happen. Possibly Heavenly Father knew that I would see the dates line up in such a way as to give another witness to the order that is in Heaven. As I have searched for answers I felt like pieces of the puzzle have continued to fall into place.

 I am also grateful that even though November 20th is a complicated day, celebrating Sterling's birthday provides distractions to help shift the focus of the day, and the memories of losing Madie.

Yesterday was another anniversary 27 months. For the first time the anniversary felt completely peaceful. I was busy engaged in other things. I saw his hand in answering specific prayers in my morning scripture study. I was asked by the sister missionaries to come to a missionary discussion, which meant rescheduling my evening plans. I almost turned down the invitation but then I felt I should rearrange things and so told the sister missionaries I would come.
 I wasn't expecting to have a mini reunion with Sister Nelson who was on splits, which means she is assigned to another area but was working with Sister Peterson who is serving in our ward, while both of their companions were also working together. 

A picture we took last summer at on of the baptisms.

 Sister Nelson taught three of Madie's friends that were baptized last summer. We were both ecstatic to see each other again.  She shared with me that over and over she has felt Madie's presence in her experiences as a missionary. Just the day before she had thought about me and wished she could see me again.  She even decided she would write me a letter the following Monday on her preparation day. Imagine both of our surprise when I arrived, and she realized that we were going to have another missionary discussion together. With all of the excitement I forgot that it was the 20th.  We visited afterwards and shared some sacred experiences and feelings.

 
This morning I realized that over and over I have been able to witness rewarding experiences of Sister Nelson's mission. I'm sure her mother would love to experience these important events with her daughter but can't because of mission rules.  I saw the similarities because I can't experience Madie's mission and the work she is doing.  At times I get clues and insights into some of what she might be involved with, it's just not as clear as a weekly email would be. 

Perspective often helps when things in life don't seem fair according to what we thought would happen. Often understanding comes in retrospect, or through insights like these.
I am grateful to have a wonderful beginning of the 20's for March. Our anniversary has been nice going to lunch at Peli Peli and also assisting Larry while he installed a new kitchen faucet.

 If you were to ask Larry about our anniversary, he'd say lunch was great, but any plumbing repair he ever does brings many frustrating moments.  Funny how one simple job often brings light to other needed repairs and additional trips to the hardware store.
 Isn't that the way life is?  Fun and exciting events mixed with everyday struggles and frustrations, interspersed with joyous and tragic events.  The trick is to learn how to experience the journey while allowing the changes that will mold us into who we need to become.

Blessings come from waiting on the Lord Gratitude post 35

I listened to this song today and realized how many blessings have come because of not feeling like he was blessing me. In the process of the struggle, going into the valley of bitterness and sorrow, my greatest blessings have come.
I have experienced the blessings of struggling to get up one more time. I am grateful to have had the 1,000 sleepless nights, the healing that has come through more tears then I ever thought were possible for a body to create. This greatest trial of my life, is becoming his mercies in disguise, and for this I am grateful. To have come to recognize how many things I was prideful in and needed humbling and a greater understanding of charity. 

One of the attributes of charity is long suffering. 

 What if the the sweet experiences I have recently had,

 came early after Madie died?  

Would I have understood the beauty of the healing blood of Christ if it had come without the length of the struggle, during the fog of the first two years?  I believe that through the extension of time,  the enduring lessons seem more poignant. 

 I'm grateful to have written about this journey, because I can go back and see that time and time again, he showed me his love.  Even so it was extremely difficult to hold onto the peace he gave. 

The pain was so raw;

 so deep.

As the pain of grieving came back over and over, and the drops of healing came little by little,

 the pain was much bigger then the drops. 

The anguish seemed to always win. 

As  life moved along and other challenges were heaped upon the already existing pain, this was where my greatest trials and eventually healing came. It was here, that showing any amount of faith became exhausting, and grueling. 

 In these moments I gave into the anguish and wondered If he heard my pleas, and if I would ever feel alive again. 

I can say that in the struggle, and the depths of the pain, that I have had the sweetest life changing experiences. I have felt engulfed in a love that defies all description.

 I know who I am; 

a precious daughter of a loving Father in Heaven.

 I have been succored by my Savior Jesus Christ.

 I've been repeatedly humbled, and hope to never take up the banner of pride that I carried so proudly.
 I hope to be his hands, and find others to lift. That is the prayer of my heart. I am grateful for the blessings he has showered upon me, and for his light illuminating my life.