MarShae Morris, "The Diva's Medley", One of my favorite performances of MarShae's!

Look who's 30...

I have contemplated for a long time about doing a blog post for Rachelle on her 30th Birthday.  The task seemed a bit daunting, because I felt like I wouldn't do her justice, but since  I love her and I am incredibly proud of her I decided I would start at the beginning....

On Feb 22, 1995 Larry and I went to see the newly released movie "Amadeus".  It was three hours long and we got home very late. A big storm was coming through much like this year, and my water broke about 2 hours later, (barometric pressure change)

I was soon induced, and by late afternoon Rachelle was born. 

I was beyond elated when I was told she was a girl.  I had longed for sisters, but was surrounded by brothers, and I was sure I finally had a girl that could fill that longed for relationship. 

 From the beginning I dressed her in frilly dresses,

 bows and pink as many pictures will attest. 

 But by the time she was about six I realized she had no desire to be a girly musician.

 I was a bit dense because I religiously curled her hair in sponge rollers every Saturday night for several years. 
 I remember finally having some light bulb moments.






One Sunday she came home from church, wet her hair (combing out all the curls) and put on a hat.

 Piano lessons with her were a disaster!  I finally realized, she was a very different girl then me, and I needed to give up my vision of making a "mini me", and let her emerge and discover who she was.
When Rachelle was five, I signed her up for swim team, and that was when I started understanding she was a girl who focused on goals, and didn't give up till she accomplished what she determined needed to happen. I watched her improve that year, and become an excellent swimmer.  She wanted to win, and win she did!

She talked me into playing soccer next, and the first game I went to, I was shocked to see her bulldoze her way down a field, determined to do all she could to help her team win.

This determination I have witnessed for over 20 years.  She's a leader who steps up and gets things accomplished.

We soon added softball to the mix, and I watched her practice pitching,fielding and batting for a few years. She was part of an all star team when she was 10 and loved playing with a talented group of athletes.
The next sport on her list to try was basketball. Volleyball was added right behind it, and these became her sports during Junior High School. She started on both teams, and loved them both, but had to make a choice as she started High School.  As a freshman she chose basketball, and started on the JV team that year, and the Varsity team  her sophomore year.

  She was amazing to watch!  She practiced shooting for hours and became brilliant at 3 pointers, and free throws.  I loved watching her play.  Shot's repeatedly swished and her energy was contagious to her teammates, she was a leader.

Rachelle also has an incredible work ethic.  She learned how to juggle work or practices with a demanding academic schedule.  She life guarded starting at 15, got a job at a research company doing phone surveys at 16, She learned the art of persuasion, and often was their top producer of the shift, even though she was their youngest employee.





Somehow she always squeezed in some time for fun!

Rachelle was determined to go to BYU, and when she realized she wouldn't be tall enough to play on their women's Basketball team, she quit basketball her senior year to take a promotion to night supervisor at her job, and added Academic Decathlon. 

She was awarded a full tuition Scholarship to BYU plus she received the Jesse Jones Scholarship which gave her s few thousand dollars each year for living expenses.  She mastered the art of setting goals, breaking them down and accomplishing her vision, while she still found time for fun, hanging with friends, playing intramural football, and basketball, on winning teams.

Upon graduating from BYU''s Business School she was offered a position at Godmann Sachs. I remember her telling me that during her interview they said, "You have a really impressive resume for someone just leaving college.  How did you do it?"
She started in the Salt Lake office, then took a new position in the Dallas office after a couple of years, and this past year took another promotion and came home to Houston, which has been a great blessing to our family.

With Rachelle being the second to the oldest, she had lot's of opportunities to learn about caring for children. 

 She is the cool big sister,

the glue in the family always planning trips, and outings with her siblings. 

 She is a mentor to her younger sister's inspiring them to work hard and achieve greatness.  When Madie' was 12 Rachelle took her on a little date, and told her that if she earned her Young Women medallion, got accepted into BYU and graduated in the top 10% of her class, she would take her on a trip to New York. Even though school was difficult for Madie she worked for 7 years, and reached these goals.
  The New York  trip was the first sister trip,

 because MarShae happened to win a National Scholastic competition, which included receiving her award at Carnegie Hall. 

They combined the trips and the three of them had a fabulous time.

Rachelle has always made a point to get to the important events her siblings are involved in,

regardless of what state it may be happening in.

When Madie passed away, Rachelle stepped into the role of leading the family through that most difficult of times, as we spent over a week in the hospital with Taylor, planning a funeral. She was a rock.  The funeral, much because of her vision, was beautiful, and I learned she is rock solid under extreme pressure.
She has done incredible things to help our family rebuild after losing Madie.  She started Rose Runners, and then #sharekindness this past year on the two year anniversary.
I couldn't be prouder of this incredible girl that I was privileged to give birth to 30 years ago.  I can't wait to see where the next 30 years takes you!
Love, Mom

The power of Gratitude

Gratitude post day 15: The power of gratitude.

When I started this exercise 15 days ago, it was because my thoughts had become consumed with anger, bitterness, rejection and loneliness. I was also still recovering from a 3 week bout with flu that turned into pneumonia and a sinus infection (with some cracked ribs) , so I was physically spent as well.

Some history...

 My cat died unexpectedly right before the two year anniversary of Madie's death, and I was also trying to accept that MarShae would soon be gone to BYU.  I found myself questioning God's love for me.

 Didn't he know I had all I could handle? 

More loss felt cruel, and that didn't fit the loving image I had for my Heavenly Father.  Still I fought back by immersing myself in my girls lives, which involved most of their free time at Les Miserables rehearsals. It is such a beautiful story but it also carried heavy burdens for me surrounding Madie's death. I pushed down those feelings and focused on helping with the production. At times I would come home and cry myself to sleep. For a couple of months I hid the grief this show carried for me. But as it got closer to opening and the hours of sewing got longer (several 10-12 hour days), the grief turned to sickness, really sick. 

Opening weekend, I attended the shows, loving moments that were so tender.

  I had also planned for six months to fly to Utah between the two weekends both shows were running, to see Taylor in his performance of The Count of Monte Cristo, 

which was running the same two weekends. He had a Tuesday  and Wednesday show I had tickets for. 

As the flight approached, I realized I was too sick to go. This drove the heartache deeper, because I was so disappointed to miss his last show at BYU.  I eventually found peace after a priesthood blessing about staying home.

Even so, during the second weekend of Les Miserables there were some really sweet moments that happened.

 One night as I watched MarShae playing Fantine, at the end of the show, looking angelic, she is gazing down on Val Jean and Cosette lovingly.  

I felt this overwhelming presence that Madie and my mom are often times looking down on me, very aware of my human struggles. The tears flowed freely as I felt loved.

Also we had family that came into town and I experienced treasured moments as we watched this incredible production together.

 I was so proud of MarShae and Marielle, for their commitment to giving their very best to their characters.

I was in awe of the production that so many people had spent countless hours working on. It was a beautiful work of art. This was a blessing to see the fruits of so much work and talent. 

There was also a tragic event that happened during the second weekend.  A  girl who loved and adored Maddie passed away suddenly from an illness.  Her funeral was the day after the show ended. It was cold and rainy, and I got soaked at the cemetery. I was freezing but her sweet mother was so broken, stirring memories of the rawness of the beginning.  At the cemetery I left roses on Madie's grave, and this sweet mother asked me to go back to the church where there would be a meal after the burial. I felt so much compassion for her heartache.  It's such a shocking, devastating place to be. By the time I got home late that afternoon I was physically and emotionally drained. Instead of getting better I seem to take a step backwards for several days. 

Throughout my life I have used "creating" to pull me out of difficult or grieving situations. I also knew my time working on shows with MarShae was over. I felt lost and without purpose. 

It was at this point, in desperate prayer I sought guidance to pull myself out of this hole I had slowly fallen into.  In my anguish the thought came "you were writing gratitude posts when Madie died and continued sharing them for some time after she died. This saved you emotionally during that time period. You need to do this again, and you need to share it publicly, because that is what works best for you." As I have thought about this I realize for me I  spend more time pondering on what I'm grateful for when I share it publicly. 

 I decided to do it and committed in my heart to at least 30 days. Surprisingly within a week I found that my thoughts were focused  more on looking for what I was grateful for so I would have something meaningful to write about the next day. A few days later I was struggling to decide what I should share because I had several to choose between. I realized the bitterness, loneliness and feelings of despair had diminished immensely, replaced with peace and happy moments. I am still in awe of the shift, because it's been so profound for me personally.  
 I found this quote yesterday, which inspired my writing about gratitude today.

"It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding."

Gratitude post day 13: Mentors, the power of influence

As I was cleaning up from our  family Valentine's Day, I was pondering on what I would write about.  Mopping the floor with remnants from my grandchildren's cookie making,  cleaning smudges from glass doors and  toys needing reorganization, I felt this incredible gratitude for the mentors in my life. 
 I thought of my first mentor my mother, (maybe it was the cleaning) whose influence has blessed me in ways I continue to discover.  She had this neverending ability to believe in me and tell me I was amazing.

Looking back, I realize that a four year old isn't very amazing at anything, but she convinced me that I was an artist, a clothing designer and that music had come with me from heaven. She told me stories of me joyfully singing as I pretended to wash dishes before I could talk.  (I'm sure I made a complete mess)

Music and a little dance...
As I grew she budgeted for many years of private instruction

(about 7 years old)

(Singing "Anything you can do I can do better" with my brother Jeff)

Dance Recital around 10

These provided ongoing opportunities to perform. We never had a lot of money, but she taught me to work hard, and never give up. 

Competing...
She would listen to me practice for hours, offering encouraging words when I was discouraged. For twelve years I competed annually in AFNA (Accordion Federation of North America) finally winning top categories including "Queen" which was open to girls 15-20 years old. There were usually around 50 girls entered, and each was required to play the same selection.    

At my first competition, for whatever reason, my 8 year old little girl decided someday I would win this.  I was now 20, in college and wanted to give up.  I had come very close the previous two years, too much work, and afraid of never reaching the goal.  My mother encouraged me to let go of my pride and try again.  I have drawn on this experience over and over in my adult life.  

Painting...
My mother also encouraged me as an artist and purchased different types of paints for me to experiment with including the classic paint by number.  I was fortunate to have a 2nd & 3rd grade teacher that mentored my painting skills.  For whatever reason, my mother allowed me to paint in my room, which resulted in me spilling paints and ruining things. Regardless she helped me clean it up and continued to let me paint.

Sewing...
I remember her giving me fabric, and letting me design an outfit when I was about 5 without a pattern.  I wish I had a picture of what I made.  I remember wearing it proudly, but thinking back it must have looked ridiculous although I was oblivious.  She eventually taught me to sew correctly something I personally hated. Even so she found ways to work sewing into life. At the time I despised everything about it.  She was a seamstress; I wanted to create. In my mind most of my time I spent unpicking and upset that we couldn't just buy me a new dress.  "That's what other families do, by the way". (Yes, I got snotty with her) ugh. 
 I was difficult, or obnoxious whenever we were sewing together. Even with the struggles, she was relentless, and I eventually became a proficient seamstress.

 I recall us brainstorming on the design of this dress for my upcoming competition, but the fabric was so cheap my mom bought enough for us to make dresses for the three of us.
   (yes this happened)  

 I sewed for my older children occasionally while they were young, but later found I enjoyed making matching dresses for the little girls.  Yes my mother was rubbing off on me, and I was enjoying it at times.

Christmas gifts, and sewing fun

 Over the years, the place I have used these skills the most would be costume construction for musicals and theater my children have been a part of. As I helped with Les Miserables, I resolved some of my love/hate sewing issues as I shared and taught a few students and adults basic sewing skills. It made me happy to see others excited to learn.  I also realized sewing is like life.  Often times there is unpicking and starting over because of careless mistakes, poor planning, or lack of knowledge.  Just like life, correcting mistakes is frustrating, takes time and patience, but there's a sense of accomplishment for not giving up.  I occasionally felt like my mother was working through me, still mentoring me on how to be more patient with the teaching process then she was with me.

Self Reliance...
Another thing my mother taught me was the joy of a clean and organized home.  I didn't like how she accomplished it, but none the less I learned that I was happier in order and cleanliness. She taught me through years of patience to cook everything from scratch.  We ground whole grains into flour and made bread. pancakes, cookies etc.  With four brothers, and a tight budget she knew how to feed a hungry crew cheaply.  We grew a garden, harvested, canned and preserved it.  My father hunted elk and moose that we ate many years.   I learned how to be self reliant, which became a way of life, during many lean years of our early marriage.

 Was she a perfect mom? 

No, she made mistakes; lots of them. 

But, 

as I pondered over this past weekend, the wonderful family moments,the sounds of beautiful music, and happy grandchildren who learned they could do new skills,

(cookie making first for Peter). 

 I thought how differently my life would be without my mother's influence and belief in me. 

 So much joy fills my life because of her tenacity to not give up on me, to believe in me and to not let me give up on myself.  Quitting was never an option, and that has helped me pick myself up time and time again, and start over.  

Thanks Mom,you were right, I hope you are aware of how your influence is impacting future generations.

 How I would love to have a chat with you!

                                 I miss you...