Getting accountable, thoughts on how to proceed from where I am...

I find that some of the time it is in becoming accountable for the addictions or issues that I struggle with that helps me actually do something about them.  I finally opened up as is slightly evident in my last blog post that I was out of control with my eating.  To be honest it has been the biggest area of my life, that and spending money, that I have had complete reckless abandonment in since Madie died.  So I told a couple of friends how bad I was really doing in those areas, and in doing so I think it helped me to realized I had someone to be accountable to besides myself, because I have over and over just let myself down in both areas.  It has become a vicious cycle of "you can do this JoLynn, to ya well maybe later."  When I am faced with something to buy that I may or may not need, or something to eat that seems fun.  It is weird to have such a new life that I am trying to control, and often finding that the addictions are the things that gives me some kind of pleasure when days are stale.  I have tried to figure out where I can put some passion.  As many know I have found purpose in helping with costumes for MarShae's shows, but when the need to help is over I found myself very empty of purpose.  I realized that I didn't have a purpose in being at the school, and so it was time for me to fade until I was needed in some way again, or just found something else to do.  I have found at least at this point that anything that isn't involving one of my children and having a connection there has been hard for me to find much passion in.  I guess that would be because I have spent my adult life trying to support raising children that are developing their talents, and how to be good people that help society.  I also for whatever reason, and there are many but it would involve a very long story, I struggle greatly with connecting to my kids during junior high school.  It is because of issues I personally experienced, and  hard as I try it's difficult for me.  I seem to enjoy the early years and the high school years more.

Anyways accountability... I decided that more important then food being something that made me feel happy (even temporarily) that the effects were a two edged sword.  Loathing myself and my lack of self discipline. I also realize that it was only hurting myself, no one else would blame me or care too incredibly much if I did continue to gain weight.  I finally decided that enough was enough. ( here's hoping to have success and realizing it will take a lot of focused effort)  The problem is how to do this in a way that I won't feel like I have taken the last thing away from me that is constant and brings me happiness.  So weird, but it's the truth and I don't believe I am alone in this dilemma.
 No, my guess is there are others who are here, or have been here in their lives.   My feeling is that we live in a world of being very disconnected from each other, and in so doing often the addictions are the thing that is constant in our life.  Unfortunately we often isolate from others feeling that the addiction is the one thing we can count on.  Food, shopping, gaming, television, social media all play into a world of disconnected people.  Busyness has become the way of life for so many and the ones who aren't find addictions to fill the empty place in their heart.  Accepting this is my first step out.  I have to be proactive because the path of least resistance is spiraling out of control.
So my game plan is...

 I decided that I would start by limiting my desserts to only one a day, and being accountable to a friend on that.  We walk at times together and so I thought that is a start.  I don't want to take all the fun of food away, but I need to figure out a way to not gain 100 pounds because of losing Madie.  I can see that in 5 years it is what I could be facing,and that would be awful for me personally.  I already struggle but am accepting that I have used food since she died to give me some sort of comfort and enjoyment and it has been fun.  Now to face hunger again.  I am on day two of limited desserts and not being full most of the day from about noon on.  Before regardless of what I had eaten through out the day I would take a dish of ice cream to bed with me because I deserved the reward of getting through another day. The problem is the scales just don't lie, and facing the truth is difficult at best.Tanking off at nights with a dish of ice cream in bed.  Yes that is what has been happening,   I have to find it within myself to be willing to hurt inside, emotionally, with hunger, or at least not satisfaction that the food has brought.  It has felt good, but at the same time it has been very hard, because I haven't had the treat to give me the momentary endorphin release, or well that was nice and I deserve it, because Madie died.  How many times that has crossed my mind as I have been eating over the past 17 months.
That said as I was visiting with someone today she pointed out a very interesting thing that I had completely not been factoring in.  That of not loving myself, and asked me the very obvious question of where those feelings are coming from.  It was really good to realize that I have been allowing satan to add guilt and disgust to my heap of burdens that I already am carrying.  I had an ah ha moment as I realized that I had forgotten how much my Heavenly Father loves me and my Savior jesus Christ, and the way I have been talking to myself I wouldn't talk to anyone that way.  It was beneficial to say, "ok, so you want to get a handle on this.  that's a good idea so that you don't add health issues to your burdens. BUT, you need to love yourself regardless, try to envision the other side and how they are seeing you.  Also that I need to work to not let Madie dying, canker the rest of me.  So lots of good things.  I am again starting over, isn't it what we do all the time, and realizing that my Savior isn't saying, "Seriously JoLynn, when are you going to be as strong as you used to be?"  No he is seeing me with love and compassion and I need to do the same for myself.

So if anyone wants to join me on this journey of connecting to people rather then food,  let me know.  I do believe that it is in accountability to at least one other person that it gives a strength that is missing.  I have also pleaded in prayer to have help to rise above this.  It isn't the first time I have asked but maybe with a bit more resolve right now. 
  I realize that  Madie will always be a part of my life, I may never understand why I had to lose her, but somehow I have to go on.   The last question I've been pondering is will I choose to live with her memory as a spring of gratitude, or a fountain of bitterness?
I have found the battle to be real, and exhausting, because the pain isn't something that can be measured, or medicated, and I have to continue to get back on the path of gratitude, because the bitterness is all encompassing, and even though at times I feel I have the right, it isn't how I want to define the rest of my life. with bitterness I am losing sight of my Savior's outstretched arms, encouraging me and cheering me on. 

This picture helped me see that joy is available, through continuing to watch my children grow as their lives move on.

Last of all part of what helped me really look at myself and get real was watching this video.  I've listened to it 3 times in the past few days and it's amazing!

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/are-you-sleeping-through-the-restoration?lang=eng&media=video#watch=video

Easter and 17 months April 20, 2014

I awoke at 3 a.m. thinking.... wondering where the sanity is in death and being left behind.  Realizing the importance of today, Easter Sunday, and yet also realizing that it is the 17 month anniversary, and feeling lost.  I can't explain it, it just feels like being in a dream that continues day after day, wishing I could wake up, and yet knowing that death is the only thing that will release me from this dream, accepting that this is my new reality.

Yes enough time has passed that I no longer wake startled at the idea of Madie being gone.  No, there's a heaviness that I carry around with me in all consciousness. I pray regularly to help me just handle it.  It seems like so much work.
 I feel in many ways as I observe Larry and myself that we are in a pattern of self destruct.  Not like "let me see how quickly I can die", no let me see if I abandon being responsible and taking care of myself as a person should,  then will I eventually get released from this life?  I heard Larry leave our bedroom as I woke up at 3 a.m. thinking he probably has a  headache or at least body aches that he often has Sunday mornings.  Why?  Because he literally abuses himself doing as much as he can all week long, then pushing Saturdays to the limits.  He then collapses and can hardly move on Sundays, never complaining just recuperating.

As for me, I am just eating myself into I don't know what.  Every day I tell myself "okay today just eat when you are hungry."  That works for awhile because I don't eat until I am hungry but then boredom sets in as the day drags on and food has become my companion that never fails me.  It's pitiful to see me going down this path.  Again from my last post, an infant with no ability to turn off the pain, meaning I cry and food comforts me temporarily.

 Madie, you probably don't believe what has happened to me,

 it is so weird....

I used to talk to you about having an eating disorder when I was younger and how I had turned a weakness into a strength. It was the mother you knew.   So how all these years later is my lack of control in this area completely gone?
 I've discovered that grief has taken me to a lower place then I ever thought I could exist through, and then it takes me lower.  Do I understand what's happening?  Yes,  and yet the food has become my friend.  It is always there for me when I feel  alone.  This sounds like I don't have a friend in the world, and that isn't the case, but I respect that friends have lives that are busy and I am stuck in trying to figure out what to do with my life.

 Are people great? 

Yes! 

 Do they support me?

 Again yes. 
I have seen the best in people finding ways to reach out,

yet there is so much time that I spend just lost in my own world of nothing to motivate me. 

 I have been reading lately trying to see if I can get lost in books.  It is so weird, while reading I can see through all the lack of understanding that some author is trying to write about, it feels so fake. 

 I know probably not the right books, but I keep looking for something that is going to help me find some passion, that isn't dependant on one of my kids or someone else. I want to be emotionally healthy and not just trading one coping skill for another. I sometimes wonder where I will be in 5 years, or 10. 

 I can't even imagine if I don't figure out a way off of this path.

To offset the mind game and inability to go back to sleep, I spent time pondering this morning on Easter, watched a beautiful video on Christ, and shed some more tears.  I am so grateful for his life and death. Grateful seems inadequate to express what it means to me personally that he broke the bands of death.  Yet, it doesn't take away the pain of just living without Madie.  The sting of death is such an oxymoron. 

 I always believed that Christ took away the pain of death, that because of him, it would be manageable.  Well that has proved to be a fallacy, either that or I am failing miserably.  Christ took away the absolute horror and hopelessness of never being with Madie again, and yet I hurt in ways that continue on and on and seems to have no end.  The sting of death is still very real for me.  She is gone for the rest of my time here on earth.  This feels like a horrible way to exist, and yet it is my responsibility to find my way through this, nobody can really do this for me.  So much of the time my life feels empty.  There have been some great moments but much of my time is spent contemplating life and what it now is, and that comes up with more unanswered questions then answered ones.  It feels very devoid of contentment, just existing...  

Last of all as I have spent much of this writing complaining, I want to end with gratitude.  It has always been my ticket to some kind of peace.  That and trying to enjoy whatever comes along that breaks up the monotony.  I find at times I am like a prickly cactus.  I am hurt, and tired of working so hard, and I don't always respond in kind ways.  Sometimes I just feel like everyone is busy and yet want to make time for me, but I find so much alone time, and that gets, challenging at best.  So here's to remembering!  I am grateful for all that is amazing in my life.  It's imperative that I remember because it helps balance the pain of the loss.  Yes I have some really great kids, that bring happy moments.  I have adorable grandkids, and that is such a gift, and I also have wonderful friends, who continue to find time in their hectic lives to spend time with me.  It is hard for me to reach out to others, cause to be honest I don't think many people have as much time to do nothing as I do, and because of that I tend to not want to bother people.  It is part of the challenge I face.   The whole social life is just messed up.  I wouldn't have understood why without going through this.  Anyways, enough of a pity party!
 I am grateful for my Savior and that he loves me, and that I know that I can talk to him and ask for help regardless of the time of day or night.  I don't always feel immediate relief, but I find in time usually within the day, that I start to feel better. This picture I took early this morning spoke to me.  I feel like I am the dead tree and Christ is the light.  I am still standing, but needing the light to heal me.

I spent a couple of hours here today, pondering on how to move ahead in a positive way...

Easter fun at the end of the day with my kids and grandkids...

Major breakthrough, some much needed insights....

I have struggled over and over lately, and really over the past year with how hard it is for me to be the person I used to be.  I have repeatedly stated that I died the day Madie died, but really I didn't, and really I remember who I was before. 
 So why do I struggle so much with simple things that I did without thinking before?  
I have analyzed this over and over and have come up with reasons for many things, but not really something that helped me give myself an emotional break and not be so hard on my lack of productivity.
 Hard to admit, but even not wanting to take care of myself, basically wishing with all my heart that I had a mother that could sweep in and help me till I feel like I am on top of my life again.  And yet I don't and won't. That is one of the hardest things for me, my mother dying the year before Madie.

 I have really been asking myself the hard questions, about rejection that are deeply rooted in my past.  About why I isolate, about why I don't reach out for help.  I know pride is part of the reason, wanting to be self sufficient, not wanting to burden others, wanting relationships to be genuine not out of guilt or pity. 

 I feel I have made good progress over the past few days and gotten myself in a shower that was long overdue, admitted to some people that I was deeply struggling, but the lightbulb moment came last Friday morning as I was walking and telling a friend about where I have really been lately.  Not the glossed over kind of transparent that I have shared publicly.  No, I mean the deep agonizing place of loathing myself for how lazy I am and how disconnected from a purpose I feel.  I have realized some of it is a life change that has been coming on since before Madie died. 
 I will be an empty nester in a  few years.  I have spent the past 32 years being a mother with children with needs and most of those children need me very rarely now.

This has been difficult to have at the same time I am grieving and feeling so unproductive still 16  months out. Then the lightbulb came on...

To understand I must share an experience from when Madie was an infant. 

 I was working with the 14 and 15 year old girls at church and had a swimming activity with them.  I brought Madie because she was just a few months old.  Because it was hot I had her in the pool with me in a tube that she slipped into a swim suit to be in.  I used her as an object lesson with these teenage girls concerning boys, and their natural desires to be attracted to them.  I was trying to make a point as to why it is good to wait to date until they are at least 16.  I likened their stage of life to the same stage that Madie was in.  She loved the water, she wanted to splash and play in it.  But she was an infant with no understanding of the dangers that the water could present if she wasn't closely watched. 

Camping with Madie as an infant,
 she loved the water from the beginning of her life!

 I then asked the girls how long they had  existed.  
We discussed that we don't really know, but we do know we were spirit children before we came to earth.  Our Heavenly Father not only created us but taught us and prepared us to come to earth and learn with a mortal body.  I then asked "how long have you had feelings of attraction to guys?"  Maybe a couple of years, but not a really long time and for some of them it was very new and recent.  So with that I asked "Can you see that you are really "infants" then in the whole boy/ girl attraction thing?"  It was a powerful moment. 

Still being safe, but in new territory (infancy) on a date...

What I realized Friday morning, is Heavenly Father sees my life right now in the same way.  I might be in my 50's with lots of life experiences, but I haven't ever in my lifetime had to experience the emotions, devastation and feelings that accompany losing a child, and also losing the needed place in mothering that I have had for all of my adult life.

 No wonder I feel like an infant,

 I seriously am!  

No wonder I feel like I need someone to take care of me...

 I do!  

No wonder on top of missing Madeline, 

 I miss my mother so incredibly much!  

My mom was the one who always helped me when I didn't know how to manage the infancy experiences of life. 

This insight finally gave me the green light....

 "It's okay if you don't clean your house, cook healthy meals,  take regular showers, or take care of all that you used to do without thinking, you are an infant!  

God isn't rejecting my efforts!

He isn't thinking,

 "oh you pathetic girl, why can't you get your act together!"   Instead he understands, and loves me in spit of how much I am not doing that I have always found the ability to do by now when I am struggling with a loss or issue of being overwhelmed.  He is teaching me about what happens to people when they don't look like an infant but truly are.

 It gave me permission to let myself learn to crawl, walk, then run... To quit being so hard on myself, an understanding that only the spirit can bring, and for this I am grateful!

(I wrote this on April 4th, then enjoyed General Conference April 5th and 6th.) 
Conference brought needed insights and encouragement. 

 Some favorite quotes:

"There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings...we are eternal beings.  There are no true endings, only everlasting beginnings."
"How much of life do we miss by waiting for the rainbow before thanking God that there is Rain?"-Dieter F. Uchtdorf 

Is the load I am carrying providing the spiritual traction that will enable me to press forward with faith in Christ.... and avoid getting stuck?  Sometimes we mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of a load [of care]" -David Bednar

"This life is our 4-minute olympic event" -Gary E. Stevenson 

Once any of us conclude-
 'That's just the way I am, we give up our ability to change.  We might as well raise the white flag, put down our weapons, concede the battle and just surrender- any prospect of winning is lost... 
WHO WE ARE IS NOT WHO WE CAN BECOME!" - Donald Hallstrom

Referring to the Savior,
 "Realize how close he is willing to come, and how far he is willing to go." -Thomas S. Monson 


Last of all I wanted to share a video  about my 4th great grandfather John Tanner.  After watching this I thought "I can't let him down, he had faith that way surpassed mine."
I like to think that he and other ancestors are pulling for me, trying to help me make it through this dark period of my life.

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2010-07-139-treasure-in-heaven-the-john-tanner-story?lang=eng