"I Wish"

Jan 23,2013   Woke up this morning at 4:30 a.m. to be involved with MarShae's previews for "Into the Woods". A thought I had as I watched each preview was, "I haven't one regret for any time I ever spent with one of my children, regardless of the inconvenience it might have been at the time.."

A line that MarShae Morris opens and closes the show with is "I wish"... How often in life have I wished for something that I later discover is insignificant, or a distraction. 

My personal regrets are the important events that I wasn't present for, either physically or mentally. Life pushes onward and sometimes the busyness, worries, stress or fatigue leave us not really present... 

"I wish... More than anything..." that I could rewind the clock...

Things that seemed important before just seem like a waste of energy...

Connection to our families and friends....giving of our time... Even if it is with half of a heart, because life events weigh us down, knowing that we did our best in the circumstances...

"I wish... More than anything.." my life could be lived without regrets...

We truly don't know when someone we love and care about could prematurely leave our physical presence. The hole and emptiness that is left behind is just that... a large gaping hole.. I am grateful that I have very limited regrets especially in the last year of Madie's life. 

So thankful for my family and the lives my grown children are living... Also that I have a wonderful husband and two lovely daughters still living at home to give me things to be involved in on a daily basis...I don't know if I would get out of bed without these girls right now. My guess is I wouldn't... I am grateful for tender mercies as I attempt to live in whatever fog or haze that seems to envelope my present life..

Oh how "I wish..... more than anything....." that I could have 
"One more day, ONE. DAY. MORE..." with all my family together...
with Madeline Morris

Jan 21,2013  I believe that  everyone regardless of who they are struggles with vulnerability. It is part of our feeling that the world can see our imperfections. The truth is we need to really come to understand that "we are enough". We waste so much energy worried about how we might mess up and someone might think badly of us. As we come to understand our own worth and that each of God's children our amazing beyond description, we find that it is easier to overlook the irritations of living. When we love ourselves, and quit focusing on our imperfections, we are freed to look for ways to listen and build others around us by letting them know, they are important. 

I believe it is when we become powerful and find joy in life! When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, than we open the gate for the contrast which is security and happiness....

So with all of this, I will say that I have never felt so vulnerable in my life. There are moments when a wave of grief hits and the intensity is so deep that I wonder if I will ever find joy again.. At those times I just try to allow the grief to wash through me and hope that I will again pull through and find the rainbow in the sky. The promise of the sun coming out again after the rain...

Jan 5,2013   The last four days have been a blur... so much has been going on but I don't seem to get very much accomplished... I am OK with that but it is really weird to be so unproductive and unmotivated. I realize that the most important thing is to move through the grief, and not expect too much of myself. I must say that this is a lot more complicated to live through than I would have understood prior to the accident.

I am so thankful for the Holy Ghost and the comfort it brings, the guidance that comes, the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father, of our Savior Jesus Christ who suffered for all the sins, pains, heartache, grief, disappointment, that all of God's children will experience. It is mind boggling and sad for me to think that he felt this depth of pain and all the rest of mankind's combined. It is beyond what I have any inkling of a brain particle to imagine. 

I still find it so hard to imagine life without Madeline Morris being a part of it. I see a picture or have a flash of a memory and think, surely this can't be so, and yet my logical side knows that it is. I know she would want me to be happy and involved in the lives of others, really present. I have pep talks on a regular basis with myself to try and stay in the present.

I have also been re reading a near death experience book that I read several years ago, and a concept that jumped out at me is that when people die it is viewed as a new birth. It is celebrated! Too bad we don't have that perspective! Also that time for them doesn't really exist, so what seems like it will be forever to me to be with her again, doesn't feel that way to her. It gave me some comfort pondering on these ideas. 

I am grateful for Eternal families, I'm also grateful for my family and friends, that bring complexities, joy, kindness, challenges, and love! It keeps life interesting, and gives my brain other things to think about....and that's a good thing ♥